The one without kids

[VMJ007]

Hi Everyone. I found myself staring at a photo of a cute baby on a box of nappies at the supermarket the other week. It made me cry. 39 years old and been trying for a couple of years. I had stage 4 endo and it’s all been an uphill battle. Tubes are blocked. Adhesions. Polip. Bowel endo. I am off to meet the IVF doctor for the first time this Thursday. Hardest part in all this is everyone in my world has kids. My 4 sisters have loads and naturally. My friends are all on their second. They are beautiful and blessed, so no resentment. Just sadness in my heart. I drink a lot to mask the pain. I’ve been drinking heavily for two weeks. Ever since I found out about the tubes. I sometimes want to crawl into bed, close the curtains, and wake up weeks later when things are better. This is me at my darkest. At my strongest I work hard, and smile. I focus on positive energy and play scenes in my head where this will all be worth it. This is a hard time in the world. And a hard time for many of us TTC. I’d love to know how you all cope?

[treezuk]

It’s hard and it’s complete s**t bit for me I found having a plan of how to tackle it helped , I had a child (boy) after 5 years trying and taking clomid we wanted a sibling I stupidly thought it would be easier it wasn’t several miscarriages and an ectopic I was then diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and was told I wouldn’t get pregnant with my own eggs , it took us a year to get over the shock and grieve but then we decided to do donor eggs in Greece best decision we ever made we now have twin boys - where there is a will there is a way with the right support / clinic / people you will get there.

Big hugs

Xxx

[feminist]

Hi, I can completely sympathise, I have felt the same as you so many times. I have been trying for a couple of years also and it’s been so hard. None of my friends have had to struggle to get pregnant and are all on their second or third child now. Of course there’s no resentment but it is so painful. I find myself randomly staring at pregnant women or toddlers I see in shops and cafes. It is always on my mind. Remember that you don’t need tubes to conceive through IVF, all you need is one or two eggs and hopefully your clinic will help you to find the best treatment to suit your needs. Take one step at a time, focus on planning nice things for yourself throughout the journey. I hope the appointment with the Dr goes well and you can draw some hope and positivity from it. Sending lots of positive energy! Take care of yourself xxxxxx

[Hidden]

Oh Hun, I just want to hug you! I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago, apart from the drinking. I have Stage 4 Endometriosis & Adhesions... I managed to concieve naturally twice aged 38 & then 40,only to lose both babies in early miscarriages. The road to parenthood is sometimes such a shitty one! Some of my friends were even being blessed with Grandchildren before I was even a mother! My take on it was I either gave up or put up the fight of my life with the view that if I was never blessed with a baby I'd have tried my hardest to make it happen. I know it's not easy for us older women but I got as fit & healthy as possible a few months before we started IVF & was fortunate to have my son from our first cycle a month before my 42nd birthday. I know I had luck on my side but it can happen so please don't give up! Donor eggs wasn't something I would have considered but a good friend of mine had her donor egg daughter at 45 & loves her little girl just as much as I do my child. You have options so please try to muster up the will to fight. Wishing you all the best. xx

[VMJ007 in reply to Hidden]

I love this post. You must feel especially blessed with your son. Thankyou for sharing.

[LisaHarada]

Aw my lovely, your post really touches my heart. Yes, I've been there. In my case, the doctors don't even know what is wrong with me, might be my age or a convenient category of unexplained infertility. I shed a lot of tears after my failed IVFs, lashed out at my husband and constantly blamed myself for not being able to conceive. It is painful and hard trying to put up a brave face everytime someone announces a pregnancy. The pain will always be there but hopefully by talking about it and getting support from this network will ease it a bit. Sending you lots of love...

[ZessB]

My heart ache when I read your message and it echoes with what I went through. TTC can be so trying and some days it feels like everyone around you is having a baby, except for yourself. I remember feeling so lonely and isolated when meeting with my husband’s family as all the other couples had one or two children. All they were talking about was babies and I felt invisible, as if no one could see me or at least, acknowledge that I was there, that I mattered.

My best advice to you would be to show some self-love. Drinking is destructive and counterproductive when trying to conceive so try your best to steer clear of that if you can. Try to find something that makes you happy to focus on. Get away for a bit if you have to but whatever you do, you need to make sure you stay healthy and happy. I saw a counsellor and that helped me stay afloat when I was hitting rock bottom and really struggling. I also turned into a bookworm and took up hiking. I prayed a lot every day and did some meditation. This is how I managed to keep on hoping and keep sane.

Your IVF appointment sounds like a great next step. Don’t feel that you are doomed. Imagine yourself holding your bundle and give yourself the best chances by doing everything that’s in your power to make it happen. I really hope you get there but in the meantime please, be kind to yourself. Big hugs xxx

[VMJ007 in reply to ZessB]

This is so helpful. That crushing feeling of everyone talking around you about babies, and feeling invisible, it’s real. I will take some of your great advice. Alcohol is not my friend in this new chapter. It was for many years, but in this case it’s holding me back. x

[Hidden]

Totally hear you - I regularly want to walk out of the house and run away from my life, and I set off probably every other week but end up coming home again, I don't know where I want to go to I just know I want to be away from my current life, years TTC, miscarriages, 4 IVFs under my belt and another one approaching.. babies and children everywhere, daily photos from family members of their children.. its all too much and I am 43 as well so probably have a few months trying left

You just do cope.. you have to keep going. Somehow when you start IVF someone else takes control of things and it feels less like its your fault. Don't get me wrong its painful if it doesnt work but at least someone is doing something proactive - so you may well feel better once you are in the system. Sending you hugs xx

[VMJ007 in reply to Hidden]

“somehow when you start IVF someone else takes control of things and it feels less like your fault”.

That is beautifully put. I do feel that having the experts to help is a resort I finally need. Thankyou.

[Lily4yrttc]

Hi VMJ

I am 39 too and have been trying a few years. Just had result that my 3rd embryo transfer has failed. Like you, my sisters have many kids and I feel like the one without children.

I’m about to get a puppy and I know people will say it’s sad she needs a puppy cos she can’t have children. I just need a total distraction from the heartache.

I used to drink a lot But then when drunk I’d get so emotional and spill how I really feel so I’ve cut it out almost completely now.

You are not alone. I have to fight to get out of bed some days. It’s ok to withdraw for a bit if it will help.

Enjoy the good days and be kind to yourself on the bad ones.

Sending love. Xxx

[VMJ007 in reply to Lily4yrttc]

Thankyou for sharing. The puppy is a great idea. I bought a cocker spaniel 6 years ago and he’s absorbed many cuddles and been a loving set of eyes during many tearful episodes of late.

[Hidden]

I am 9th year of my marriage,had one miscarriage in 2012,and then nothing happen

.we tried everything ,1one field ivf,3falid iui.a lot of doctors,lot of injection but nothing happen .and now trying naturally.i accepted this infertility .I think baby is not the only thing I want tofor a live happy life .I want to live for my family,my husband.as a Muslim girl I have complete faith in allah.life is a test and everything happens for our good.lots of love for you.

[Donita33]

Good morning hun, your not a lone in these journey I have been there and still there with positivity now than before I remember everything time I go home my family town all my nephews and nieces with there children and coincidentally every year I go there must be a new baby born in the compound sometimes I feel like mi don’t get more attention as I only visit ones after few years from a broad

I totally understand how feel and so sorry,actually the worst part is when people or some family members put in your face like when are you getting pregnant 🤰 it’s very painful question when you get such questions without much consideration.

I do keep myself busy and participate in church activities a lot and believing that God will do it at his own time and that’s exactly how I have been answering some people .

The best you can do is to be positive keep yourself busy and stay healthy . Do what you love doing.

After 6years of trying and IVF first one become ectopic second one fail has the tubes were blocked third one now by God grace I manage to be pregnant and today is my first scan praying all shall be well.

Much hugs and love 💕