How do I feel right now? Angry...

How do I feel right now? Angry with the world but mostly just a sadness that won’t ever seem to go away. After my sister gave birth for the 3rd time recently I thought ‘that’s it for a while, you’ve been strong and got through yet another friends or family pregnancy’ only for my cousin to announce she’s due number 3. I swear I have no tears left. I’ve probably cried more in the last few weeks than I have in my life. Round 3 was another epic fail without even a transfer. My husband is devastated, I’m devastated and I just wanna punch some people in the face xxx I honestly feel that I’m never gonna be my happy self again. I’m sooo fed up of the slapped on smile xxx when does it get better xxx

[Faith27]

Hi Boo7. I can't help but feel for you, I know that your post is just the tip of the iceberg and cannot imagine how you must be feeling. It's understandable that you're feeling angry and upset and do give yourself time to feel these emotions - you are allowed!! You don't have to always have the slapped on smile present and it's no good in the long run (think of it like a pressure cooker). Whilst I've not come close to experiencing the heartbreak that you have, I guess I just want to say that you aren't alone and please continue to share how you're feeling however which way you feel comfortable (whether that be with your husband, close family or friend, or us on here) I've literally just joined 5 minutes ago so Im probably talking a load of rubbish but please give yourself time and the permission to feel however you are feeling - it's ok, be kind.

P.s if you feel like punching something, genuinely a pillow is the best place to take aim. Perhaps you and your husband could have a go holding pillows for each other. Sorry if this isn't helping, take care xxx

[Hidden in reply to Faith27]

Thank you sooo much. Good days and bad. Yesterday obviously wasn’t the best 🤣🤣. A pillow is a fab idea I’m all up for that xxx

[Hidden in reply to Faith27]

I hope your doing ok whatever stage you are at xxx

[Faith27 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Boo. It's a roller coaster of emotions isn't it but always good to get things off your chest! We're all in it together and here to support each other. I'm glad to read that perhaps is a better day for you than yesterday - that's positive and takes a lot to turn around (I know myself and haven't been half as far down this path as you have). Take care lovely xx

[Hidden]

Hi Boo7 - I can completely understand how you are feeling- it's difficult TTC and while our efforts seem so focussed, when it seems to happen so easily for those around us, we can't help but feel angry- and ask why me?!

I'm not sure if this will help or not- I can only really speak for my own experiences. I think that allowing yourself to feel these things is important at the time so you get them out, but it's not good for you long term as you get in a vicious cycle of anger and grief, and ultimately you have to make a choice about what kind of life you want to lead. Unfortunately, this whole IVF process has taught me that life is unfair and that just because you try to be a good person, it doesn't mean things will always work out in the way you want them to. What helped me was to realise that although this horrible situation was beyond our control, the way I react to it is completely within my control. Once my husband and I sat down and really discussed what we wanted (to be parents!), we could kind of compartmentalise it.

We thought about all the different ways to be parents, not related to mine or my husbands biology that we could explore- like IVF, but then if that gamble didn't work (we would only get one shot, as we live in an area where we have to self fund), we would adopt (not what we had in mind initially, but still gets you to the ultimate goal). This took the pressure off our IVF round, and genuinely I started to feel happy for other people again (we have a big family and pregnancies are announced what feels like monthly, so it wasn't going to go away haha). I can appreciate that this might not be for everyone, but it really helped us get our life back.

I wish you all the luck and love from the bottom of my heart as I know how it feels when you think you have no more tears left to cry- but also take comfort that you are stronger than you know- and if you can get through this, you can do anything! There is a light at the end, just sometimes we go in a different direction to what we think. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. This is such a lovely message. Really made me smile. I’m soo happy you’ve found your route and feel in control. It’s bloomin hard 😂 I seem to have good days and bad but I know one day I’ll look back and giggle. At one point I honestly thought I was going crazy but I know now that it’s just part of the process. One day we will hold our baby in our arms biological or not. And it will be amazing xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I wish u all the luck in the world and super big bozies xxx