This argument has to stop! - Fertility Network UK

Fertility Network UK

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This argument has to stop!

I'm sorry guys but come on... I totally understand both sides to this argument and as women going through the same journey, so should you! Here's the hard facts.

Yes it's incredibly hard to see a scan photo when you've had so much heartache.

Yes you should be able to feel happy, excited and proud of your scan photo after you've had so much heartache.

We have all been in the same boat. We have all experienced pain and loss.

You can't judge someone for not being happy for you and not wanting to see your scan photo plastered all over the infertility forum when before you got pregnant you hated pregnant people too...

You can't expect to just see negative posts on here all the time. People need a bit of hope, people need to know that the years and years of needles, drugs, pain and heartache actually results in something for some people.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE AT SOME POINT. We have all felt the anger, the frustration, the hate. We have all wanted to punch someone in the face for saying "ugh this pregnancy is taking it out of me" or for sharing gorgeous photos of their newborn babies. But we have all felt the joy of impending pregnancy. We all know what it's like and how when you think there's even a glimmer of hope, a 1% chance it might have worked you want to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!! So guys, come on. As you can see from my long, ranting post... there really is no 'side' to take. Because we have all been on both sides at some point in this journey...

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BabyD

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11 Replies

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Aleelilook8 years ago

Totally agree this is complete madness!!!!

NMP10268 years ago

Absolutely spot on. Well said. Hugs to you xx

8 years ago

Well said, I agree! I wrote this earlier but was unable to post as the discussion has been deleted.

'Oh gosh, I find this really sad as this group is so supportive usually 😔

Jess had every right to feel this way and to be fair her original post simply expressed how hard it was for her to look at all these pics. Maybe a message to admin would have been a better way to deal with her pain but when you're upset it's easy to jump first without thinking things through. Jess has been remarkably supportive to loads of people on here and I don't think she deserved some of the comments posted, I think maybe by the end of the discussion feelings were high on both sides and things were written that, at another more reasonable time, would not have been said.

On the other hand a fertility group will happily have good outcomes, those getting their bfp, after often years of treatments and heartache, are obviously worried that something will snatch that happiness away. Every small positive thing is then celebrated for very good reason.

For some on here the sharing of a positive scan photo or a photo of a newborn can be a sign of hope, that there is light at the end of a tunnel, others feel it as a kick in the teeth that they haven't yet got to that light. Every single one of us sees things differently, that is one of the wonders of being human. No way is the right way.

I'm wondering if another group can be started, a sort of sub group, where these positive stories, scan pics etc can be shared without risk of hurting others not able to cope? Admins??

Since coming on here I've had some amazing support from Jess, Tw1986 and so many others, I went from knowing nothing about our daughters imminent journey...the first time I saw 9dp5dET I thought wth?? Thank goodness for the acronym sticky!!...to understanding a fair amount about it all, and this was down to you amazingly wonderful people, I really don't want anyone to leave the group, please! 🌹 xxx'

BabyD• in reply to8 years ago

Well said ❤️

Tw1986• in reply to8 years ago

I totally understand everyone's posts and I'm such a fair thinking person! But jess went about some of her replies wrong, she described putting scan pictures on that so many people requested from me to do as I've posted the rest of my private life on for people to follow so people want to see an update on the good not just the bad, but jess described the scan pictures and people shoving them on here that's bad that's MY scan of my baby she's saying that about I wouldn't shove it anywhere, and also for her to say I hope you don't need to go through this, so the fact that I have didn't mean anything to her and what if something happened from now to my baby would she prefer to see that? All that's going to do is mane people worry this forum is not just for bad news it's a support forum. Now I totally understand of a random person who no one knew nothing about just came on a posted a scan pic but that's not the case we all have supported each other for months/ years and now bacause we have a happy ended ( at the moment) we have to leave? If I had to join another forum I would not bother now this forum these ladies deserve my time, support and love no one else! xx

BabyD• in reply toTw19868 years ago

I totally understand that but I just think we all need to calm down, take a step back and respect each other's feelings. And that's not aimed at you needing to respect her grief, but she needs to respect your joy too. It's incredibly hard to do so as we all know and I just think that as we have all been in that devastating position it's easier to put yourself in her shoes than it is for her to put herself in your shoes. She can't experience that happiness and excitement for you because she's in a difficult, dark place and we all know what that feels like. You say things you don't mean, lash out at the people closest to you... it's not a nice place to be x

Daxi16• in reply toTw19868 years ago

What on earth happened last night? Seems like I missed something big. Hope your ok? I've never seen anything negative on this forum so surprised to hear it ☹️. Xx

Goodthingscome8 years ago

Reading lots about an argument last night, but I didn't see it and it does seem to of been deleted now.

I can get the gist of it and can see both sides, think Babyd has said it brilliantly. Come on girls we are all in this together and this is usually such a supportive site which has really helped me. xxx

Fredaflintstone8 years ago

Please let's all draw a line under it and as Oakey said continue as usual in line with the sites rules which allow scans.

The majority of posts have said that they want scans to stay - so that we can celebrate success as well as support each other through hard times. It gives us hope.

If individuals sadly feel that they cannot cope with this site following a miscarriage then there are alternative forums that would perhaps be more suitable until the person feels ready to return and we'll all be there waiting to celebrate their scan in future, we hope.

Perhaps we can all think twice before posting anything that criticises the actions of others (for posting scans in this instance) and instead voice our concerns to admin privately for them to consider. I hate seeing us all falling out. I've tried to mediate a bit but failed miserably so aside from this I will keep quiet I think in future (not easy).

Quite a few people agree that perhaps admin could do something so that scans are only shown when you click on the person's post - which is what happens on my phone anyway. But the consensus seems to be that scans should stay.

I hope we can all try to de-stress and keep calm and get back to being the loving supportive forum that we were.

BabyD• in reply toFredaflintstone8 years ago

I think scan photos should be allowed but I also think those who are uncomfortable with them should be entitled to seek support on this forum. There's a simple solution to this problem. If you don't Iike the scan photos, avoid them and feel free to express your pain. If you don't like seeing negative posts about scan photos, avoid them! You've posted your scan photo, you've shared your excitement and joy. Let them share their grief. X

Katybetter8 years ago

I agree with you. I just wish there was a way to hide scan photos so I didn't have to see them on my bad days but could still feel the support of the group but at the same time it's important for women to share their excitement & it's not fair for them to have to hide it.