Im sorry if this is a little long! I’d love your advice so please bear with me…. I’m 41 and on my second marriage after having prioritised a successful relationship over getting pregnant younger. I’ve been married 4 years and have been trying to get pregnant for most of that time. Last year the NHS discovered issues with my fallopian tubes, it meant extremely high chance of ectopic pregnancy so it was decided my best chance of getting pregnant was through ivf, but I would have to have my tubes removed as the issue would most likely cause ivf to fail.
mice now had both tubes removed and ivf is my only option. Due to my age the NHS would only support us through one fresh cycle of ivf and I was very lucky that we also managed to get 2 frozen cycles on NHS as well. Unfortunately all have resulted in negative pregnancy tests.
My husband and I are now having to have very difficult conversations around the cost of continuing. My clinic offers a package through a third party which will basically cost us £10k for 2 fresh cycles.
During the pandemic my husband lost his job and was out of work for a year. He now has a job which pays well, but he has to work away for weeks at a time. We generally see each other every 3 weeks for a long weekend. His priority has been to earn as much as he can, over pay on our mortgage, and get us as financially stable as we can be. Trying to cover what we list in the pandemic and future proof is for an expected interest hike when our mortgage fixed rate ends next year.
Ivf and is basically barely seeing each other over the last year has put a huge strain on our relationship. We have agreed to invest in a proper holiday this summer and get some much needed time together. But this also means we are struggling to figure out where the money will come from for ivf.
My husband is working so hard, trying to get enough money out away that he doesn’t have to keep working so far away. And now we need 10k for ivf he feels like all the pressure is on him to provide. I should add I earn good money myself, but I can’t earn the kind of money he does by being away.
Obviously at my age time is the most important factor in getting pregnant. But we just don’t have the money, and understandably my husband does not want to be working so hard, just got us to get into dept for ivf.
I should hard he also has a beautiful 10yr old daughter who I love dearly, but she doesn’t live with us, and I’m not her mum. If it wasn’t for my desire to be a mum, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. My husband does not share the same burning desire I have. So his view is often coming from the money side of things.
How do I know if pushing forward with ivf is right ? It may come at the detriment of my marriage, as my husband will be forced to work away even more. I don’t want him to resent me. Equally how can I give up on being a mum over money.
Right now we have agreed to give it a few months, have a family holiday in the summer and see how we feel. Even waiting till then is killing me but I feel like I owe it to my husband to give us some time. When will I be too old to keep this up? Feeling a little lost and would love some advice x
