ED and Grief

[User_1977]

ok first time posting here, trying to keep this somewhat short. I’m 44, married to my wife 33 for 11 years, also I’m a veteran with PTSD. I’ve struggled with ED and libido issues most of our marriage, we have had some great periods though. About 8 years ago found I had very low testosterone, the AF treated it and it helped well; the VA has been a pain with giving the Rx and halved my dose (4 pumps to 2). I also have an Rx for Viagra. My wife has sexual trauma and abuse in her past.

My ED and libido issues has cause huge arguments and fights. I feel she often only sees her disappointment and not mine and my sadness about letting her down. I would get very nervous and anxious about performing. Sometimes I could control it better. Things starting to go well the past couple months. I would say 60/40, sad that I was ok with that.

My wife was recently diagnosed with a rare disease that causes calcium deposits to build up in the brain, is progressive and degenerative. There is no cure or treatment. To say that I am broken, scared and destroyed is an understatement. We don’t know how bad this will affect her in the years to come. There could be minimal motor control issues all the way up to brain function is so affected it leads to death. This could be a rapid decline over the next couple years or slow into her 60s-70s.

I have not lost my libido, i feel the desire to be intimate. But between my past ED, anxiety about letting her down, not wanting her to be mad at me and her diagnosis; I am having a very hard time being able to get a good erection. I want to have sex and please her but my body just won’t cooperate. She is pissed and hurt.

Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want to be as close to my wife and have wonder full intimate moments as long as she is able to. I don’t want my worry about her illness to make her even more sad and depressed. Thanks.

[User_1977]

More background on the testosterone Rx. When I retired in 2019 I was on 4x pumps daily; the VA made me go 16 weeks off then redo tests. Moved, got new PCM she wouldn’t give it to me. Changed PCM and been back on at 2x a day until about 5 months ago. Redid labs and dropped me to 1x daily for slightly high RBC. Finally convinced PCM to put me back at 2x pumps daily about 2 weeks ago.

[User_1977 in reply to User_1977]

I feel like each time I lack in performance or can’t performs that I get more anxious the next time. It feels like it almost gets exponentially worse each time.

Last night I tried hard to relax, focus on her and us. But I literally felt like I was going to have a panic attack, I froze and heart raced. Now I’m beyond worried.

Oh known this is a lot of info and I’m horribly ashamed and embarrassed to share this many details, but I can’t keep letting my wife down.

[Wolfnbear in reply to User_1977]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Sounds really stressful and that certainly isn't helping with the ED either. Having open honest discussion over how you feel may help reduce the stress and help her understand what is going on with your body. Sex is a two sided street and maybe a sexual counselor may help you as it did me. I learned that sometimes my body just doesn't respond as my mind wants and we have to change the stimulation or the focus off my body and on to my spouse. Using toys helped with that too. Helping them feel good even if it wasn't with my penis helped to smooth the play time and takes the stress off my body not responding and focusing the energy on them being pleasured. Sometimes we put so much expectation on penetration that it becomes stressful.

You might try Cialis instead of Viagra so that it stays in your body longer and may be more responsive. I found it worked better but my erection wasn't as hard. But it was more responsive. I did switch to the daily version which was a success for me for many years. Made it easier to keep track of taking it daily.

Having had low T and problems with RBC counts also has been a long issue for me. I donate blood on a regular basis to help control the blood count and it allows me to increase the T level. However there are risks involved with that according to the blood doctor. But the increase in T helps so much with libido and desire and performance and so much normal life stuff.

If the pills aren't working so well, and you've tried them all, you can talk to the doctor about a Bimix, Trimix, or Quadmix injection which is what people used before the pills came about. Sure it's squirmish to talk about a super fine needle injecting meds to your penis but it works well and erection lasts for plenty of time with proper stimulation. But there are auto injectors that help a lot and you barely feel the needle. There are spots that I don't feel the needle at all also. I use a 31g insulin needle for it. There are a lot of formulas that may take some trial and error to find what works best for you and learning to hit the right areas for the meds to go into. Sadly it's not covered by insurance generally, like the pills are, but once you find that sweet spot it's so worth it. I was happily on Cialis daily for many years until it stopped working so well. Now I'm on a trimix and happily back in the swing of things. Good luck buddy!

[Vitruviusman]

I am a psychotherapist. There's way too many issues that are going here that these little advice is that people give aren't going to really help you. Both your wife and you need to find a psychotherapist that you could work with them feel safe with and go for ongoing couples counseling. I'm sure the VA must have some mental health services available. If not you need to seek one out. In addition, I think you need a second psychotherapist that deals with sexuality. A regular psychotherapist can deal with your mental health issues but a sexual therapist will help you with the sexual issues. Let me know how you do with this

[CHPA]

That's a lot to unpack and sorry you are going through all of that. Have you both seen any kind of therapist to discuss the variety of issues in your story? And I will add that there are good therapists and okay therapists and sometimes you have to speak with a couple of them to find one who can help. But a good one can help.

[Handdrummer777]

Sorry to hear of your ED struggles.

Brief recommendations:

1) check out TheElator.com. This is a non-intrusive, external penile support device that ensures penetration -- with or without an erection! Cost is around $300. I'm not affiliated with them; just passing on the info.

2) Allow me to email you (as have dozens of others in these groups) instructions for quickly and easily making your own ED device called the Loop. Using this device saved my erections throughout my radiation treatment and 18 months of ADT. It puts pressure on the dorsal vein and the perineum without constriction -- it creates what I call "pull-pressure." The Loop produces and greatly helps keep up a really good erection.

I'm happy to send my Loop instructions free to your email address, which shall remain confidential. No gimmicks, no strings, no money.

[Bionicpenis]

That is a tough row to hoe. The mental aspect you described is very similar to my own issue although not quite to the extent you described. I'm fortunate that my partner and I have been able to openly communicate when this happens and she makes a conscious effort to focus on us instead of just her disappointment. I can't agree more about finding a therapist or two to help you both. My partner was also sexually assaulted in the past and is still triggered by some things now. We make the best of it and don't pressure each other when things come up (or don't come up). It could very easily be much worse for us. If it did get worse then I'd be pushing for therapy too.

One option we've recently explored for me is to try some of her mild MMJ vape pens to help me relax and get out of my head. I've never done drugs and rarely drink alcohol so I can't tell yet if, or how much, it helps but I don't think it will hurt.

That's not a long term solution by any means. Just a way experiment and see if it helps. It also doesn't address the deeper issues you mentioned. Just something to consider

Best of luck to you both. I'm sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis.

[JJINTX]

As a fellow veteran and sufferer of PTS and ED, I feel for you. It is a horribly difficult struggle, but there are means by which to deal with it. I wish it were as easy as one pill that solves all the problems. PTS is something that takes a lot of work to deal with. Having a therapist you trust will help immensely. Therapists are not one size fits all. You sometimes have to go through a lot of searching to find 'the one'. When you do it can be life changing. You have to be in it though. You can't half ass your way through therapy and expect it to work. Do the work and you will see results.

As for the testosterone.....I am assuming you are using androgel? If you have the chance to change to injections, I greatly recommend it. If your levels are still below normal for your age range, you need to seek different therapy. If the VA will not prescribe injections, seek them elsewhere. Test Cypionate has gotten really cheap in the last few years. Self injection is not difficult. It will cost you some out of pocket, but if it makes a significant impact on your quality of life, it is money well spent.

I took viagra for years and it was hit or miss for me. It became more miss than hit as time went on. Part of my issue was mental and part was physical. The mental issue sucks. Self doubt regarding sexual performance becomes a self perpetuating cycle. Being able to get out of my head and be truly intimate makes such a remarkable difference. Unfortunately, that is not always easy to do. It may be an unpopular suggestion, or one that is not feasible for you, but if I use MMJ to relax and get out of my head, I can actually perform with the assistance of viagra. The viagra is still needed as there is a physical component to my ED as well. It still isn't 100% reliable though. I have in the last several years started using Tri-mix and that is truly a game changer. Tri-mix removes all stress about physical response and allows me to just be focused on her and not whether or not my dick is going to work. The idea of injecting your penis might sound scary, but I promise you it is not. If it is the difference between having a happy, healthy, and rewarding love life then that is a very small price to pay.

It is an unfortunate reality that the VA does not provide good care when it comes to addressing issues like this. I would really encourage you to seek care outside of the VA system. Find a therapist and a good urologist. You owe it to yourself and to your wife to seek out the best care you can. You get one go around in this life. Don't spend it being miserable when you absolutely don't have to.