Ashamed to be drifferent

Hi, I'm 39 years of age and i suffer with learning issues... As the only black child in school " 80's " i wasn't clever as the other kids and was picked on and beat up alot and called names by the teachers " not going to say what they said but use you're imagination" I always knew i was " Drifferent " as i could not read,write,spell,maths,speech issues and the list goes on.. most of the day i was left alone and call stupid and much worse !!! as i got older the issues got worse... i never got any grades and my parents "dad being African " was very brutal and lets say I've seen and felt the whip more times than django & Christ himself !

So not only was i getting punished by the teachers i was getting a double dose from school and Family.... this went on till i was about 12 then i was put in the low set school where by they didn't do any tests to see if you had ADHD or Dyslexia as i don't think it was around then? now the teachers where very nice to me but i did not learn anything so i left school with no grades ... during this torment my mom and dad got a divorce and at one stage i witness my mom running after my father with a knife to stab him but thankfully my older brother stopped mom..

So when all of this was going on i thought i was the issue of the break up and i seem like i was the black sheep of the family....

I tried to go to college but yet again my " Issues " was the Brick wall that oneself could not break down.. So i went from subject to subject and not gaining any qualifications ... So i deceied to join the Army as this was the only thing left i could do... I was in for 5 years and did 4 tours but left after seeing so much haterid and death that i did not want to be part of ....

After this i went to University and did motor sport Eng... this was an HND access course to go on to BCS but i had to leave because the maths was to hard and i could not keep up with the class and was told university wasn't the place for me..

So i went and worked here and there for 2 years and i went back to uni and did HND computer networks that would lead onto BSc.

I manage to pass my HND but failed the 2nd year of my BSc and i did not want to carry on.. I did however get some help from the student support BUT i did not think this was working and that i needed to speak to someone about my issues " To this day i haven't man up and done it "

I'm so ashamed of my self that when pepole ask me did i do a BS Honours i say yes and i passed as i feel ashamed that i did not complete my course.

Since then i have worked in IT but had to leave one job due to making mistakes .....

I seen this as an pattern & till this date it upsets me that i am drifferent from everone else ... all of my Brothers done Extremely well & get all of the parses from mom " Farther no longer walking on this Earth "

I would like to speak to someone but Affraid what the outcome will be and if it will go on my health recored or something ?

It's sad to say that the only thing i was good at was being part of a killing machine...

i don't have PTSD but i do feel very " ANGRY " but lucky enough i don't have a short temper and when i do get upset i just run and run and run ...

I love to read books even tho i have to read the same book twice to understand what's gone on and takes notes... I would love to write a book but again with everthing thats gone on and with my learing conditions i run away like the Spanish Flu is coming ...

Sorry for the long post just looking for someone who understands thats all !

Take care & have a great day

James

12 Replies

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  • I think you should go and ask for help. I can tell that life must have been realy hard for you growing up and that you struggle even to this day because of your undiagnosed dyslexia. There are many examples of people with dyslexia that have made a name for them selves and Don t worry about how a diagnosis will affect your ability to get a job as employers cannot discriminate against you. It's illegal!!I know that with just a little bit of support you will be able to access your potential much more easily. It all starts with making that one brave step!!!

    Good luck❤❤

  • Thank you very much for taking your time to read my post means alot to me. & i shall do my best to improve .

    Best Reagrds

    James

  • Don't be afraid to write. There are a lot of dyslexic writers. Agatha Christie outsold everyone in her day and she was severely dyslexic. Her father called her stupid and beat her too.

    Believe it or not, you are clever. You would have to be to survive this long. If you want to write don't be afraid to do it. You just have to do it in a way that works for you. Some dyslexics use and love speech to text programs like Dragon. I work much better with a keyboard than a pen and that's pretty common for dyslexics. A first draft doesn't need to be and should not be perfect. You just write like you did this post. You fix everything later or get someone to help you proofread. That isn't cheating. It's what all professional writers do.

    Reading this post really moved me. You are a very powerful writer and your story needs to be told.

    And by the way, I have two books published and am working on my third and fourth book. And yes, I'm a dyslexic who got poor grades in spelling and can't wrap her head around what a stupid dangling participle is. However I do have a dyslexic imagination which counts for a lot more.

  • Thank you very much ! i will do my best to get things sorted .

    Hope you have a nice day

    Best regards

    James

  • I think you have an amazing story to tell and what you have said has moved me deeply. You actually write and express yourself really well.

    You definitely need to get properly tested. Someone who is qualified to make a diagnosis of dyslexia and more. An educational psychologist can do all that. Don't be scared because dyslexia is not an illness, it's a way of being - it's illegal for anyone to discriminate against you in any way because of it. In fact if you have a diagnosis by a professional it puts you in a stronger position because without it they can discriminate against you but with it they can't.

    Look up: dyslexiaaction.org.uk/ The test isn't cheap. But if you want to study again you can then take your test results with you and insist on getting the help you need to get you through the course to the end. The results will also be useful because they show you exactly who you are and how you learn. If you can say as a fact - 'I am not stupid, I am dyslexic' you will then feel empowered and more confident in your abilities to gain full qualifications.

    This site will help you to see the more positive things about being dyslexic dyslexicadvantage.org/

    To write your book - just start writing. Your post is a synopsis of a very very interesting and meaningful book. If you're not sure what to write, then speak into your computer and record on speech to text works really well.

    Good luck - keep in touch - this is your first step to your new life.

  • Thanks for your reply ... i will do my best to seek help

    Best Regards

    James

  • Thank you everyone for you're support it really means alot.. It's just hard sometimes when you see others doing so well and you just wish for one moment what it would be like to live that moment for just a nano second or even a day. I will seek help & thanks for the links i will use them to my best. i just hate lying to people about my grades .... Sometimes i feel like I'm living a double life .. "James the Dyslexic" and James that has to lie about things in order to fit in with everyone.. I will work hard and use my disavantages to an advantage . Once again i thank all of you from the deepist part of my heart for taking a moment of out of your life to read my post. and Thank you to anyone else to reads it.

    Kind and best Regards

    James Taylor

  • Everyone is different so what some people learn at a slower rate than others I am dyslexic and I had to repeat some grades/classes and this day I have attained and been more successful that a lot of people. I am 39 years old I work as a CNA ( and I am going to start nursing school soon).

  • I am dyslexic also and to be as good as everyone else means to me i have to work 4 times as hard as everyone else does, I have to study longer, use my academic accommodations spending 3-4 hours a night studying hard, hold down 2 jobs to take care of my family.

  • Thanks for the reply .. sometimes I think just accept it and give up then other part of me says keep going ... it’s a struggle I’d admit that ! Just need to stay positive and dig deep

  • James ...... your story had me filling up. Can't imagine what your early years must of been like for you with little or no support. But look how far you have come. It's never too late to be tested or diagnosed. My son is 13 and severely dyslexic but like you he thinks outside the box and is totally unique. Remember you are an individual and most of all a nice pleasant caring young man and that's counts for more than any grade or qualification. Good luck for the future.

  • Morning.. thanks for the reply ... yeah my past experience in nursery, school , college & university wasn’t pleasant that I can say !! Like you said I need to think outside the box more !! Just hard at times especially when I have to fill in forms ...

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