I'm not in control!

[FatOldMan]

I have not been on here for six days because we are now on the holiday island of Lanzarote. From the time of our arrival, I have limited my drinking to one or two with or after a meal, so I was feeling in control until Wednesday evening, and then I proved that alcohol is the one in charge. A bottle of wine and so much vodka that I don't remember leaving the bar or coming home. I spent all day yesterday remembering that this is why I have to get my drinking under control. Another day of my life wasted due to alcohol because of an evening supposedly enjoying myself and I can't even remember most of it. So for the remaining time here, instead of Sun, Sea and Sangria it needs to be Sun, Sea and Sober.

[Callison]

If at first you don’t succeed, then try, try, try again.

You’ve learnt from that experience. Today’s another day, learn from your past but move forward. Next time you want to hit the vodka, remember what how it has ended up in the past. As they say ‘ one day at a time’.

[FatOldMan in reply to Callison]

I have learnt that lesson hundreds of times over and over again. As you say " One day at a time " and hopefully I'll win in the end. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Callison in reply to FatOldMan]

Back to day 1 again. How many of us have been there? You’re not alone.

[fauxartist in reply to Callison]

I was told in program to remember my worst day drinking when I thought about drinking. Unfortunately...after a week or so when I was still drinking and said I'd stop or cut back, I soon forgot about being sick and blacking out, and when right back out there...half measures availed me nothing.....I'm an alcoholic....one drink is too many.

[WilliamG]

As F Scott Fitzgerald once said, “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

[FatOldMan in reply to WilliamG]

So true

[Mb86]

I have notice that we are all beating ourselves up. That is because of people that judge us for the alcoholism but we are still human as them. FatOldMan your on holiday where it is bound to happen but my darling please don't beat yourself up, the beauty about it all is that you are open & honest and this where this does not only help you but you speaking it out loud helps others. We can't avoid alcohol as it is in everything & everywhere in our faces. You enjoy your holiday sweetheart and don't give up, we've got your back. X

[FatOldMan in reply to Mb86]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

[fauxartist in reply to Mb86]

I know that I do not judge anyone struggling, been there and done that....it's a personal choice whether to drink or not. And it's none of my business. I think most who share about slipping while trying to moderate their drinking are trying to work it all out and come to terms with why they drink, and if they can or cannot control their drinking. I agree no one should feel guilty or beat themselves up for it. If they come to a rock bottom moment and decide then and there to get sober exclusively....then the very best of wishes to them....it's a hard road being sober, there is no pot of gold at the bottom of the sober rainbow, just the ability to then start doing the hard work to stay sober and come to terms with it.

[LilyAnnepuppy Ambassador in reply to Mb86]

I had no choice but to beat myself up. I thought I was a moral defective for continuing to drink even though I didn’t want to. So every drink I took, when I didn’t want to, made me feel ashamed and remorseful.

I needed to take every drink I took to get to the point I was willing to surrender. Once I did, I learned I had a disease and beating up on myself was useless.

But the amount of misery I suffered was incredible. And I don’t want to go back there. Life on life’s terms is difficult to handle. But that’s the point I needed to get to.

[LilyAnnepuppy Ambassador]

Keep coming. Keep trying to fight it until you have to give up and admit powerlessness. If you can continue to moderate and control your alcohol consumption, my hat is off to you. I can’t. Abstinence is my only option if I want a life of sobriety and peace. Thank you for sharing your journey.

[FatOldMan in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I would really like to be a moderate social drinker, but I am not sure if that will ever happen. I succeed at that for a short while then just when I think that I'm in control I revert to drunken----.

[LilyAnnepuppy Ambassador in reply to FatOldMan]

I’ve been there. Done that. That’s the cunning, baffling and powerful nature of my disease. Without treatment, I drink without my permission. My thoughts are with you.

[SoberDrunk1 in reply to FatOldMan]

To be an alcoholic, its not about drinking lot of alcohol after we succumb to the desire, its about inability to stay stopped. Look back over your drinking history. How many times you wanted stay stopped? Always we ended up picking up. The big book uses the term peculiar mental twist. The reason they call it peculiar because it is. It makes sense only to the alcoholic. And then the craving kicks in and we end up drunk like what happened to you on this trip. This will happen over and over if we dont take action. First step is realizing that we are an alcoholic.

[Isinatra]

I wasn’t in control as long as I kept drinking. The only time I had control was when I stopped and did something I hadn’t done before because what I had been doing for decades wasn’t working. Doing the same thing with the same results. I asked for help and was taught how to live without alcohol. I didn’t drink “one day at a time”. (With help)

[fauxartist in reply to Isinatra]

Yep....That's the insanity for me anyway.....doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....thinking I could control my drinking.....alcoholics cannot....they may fool themselves into stopping drinking a half bottle of wine, 2 or 3 shots of whiskey a night just to relax...just a 3-4 beers....after all beer it's whiskey, the reality is that it affects you all the same....it's all the denial and lying to ourselves that keep us actively drinking. I'm a sober drunk.... my mind set only begins to change when I stay sober and do the work.

[Isinatra in reply to fauxartist]

Your story sounds typical of an alcoholic. The path of the disease is predictable. The timeline can vary because of differences of circumstances, but the outcome if an alcoholic doesn’t stop drinking is pretty much the same. Nothing good. I’m a recovering alcoholic because there’s no cure. I’m in reprieve as long as I don’t drink. I was taught that a sober drunk was an alcoholic who may not be drinking, but hasn’t changed and still thinks and acts like an active alcoholic doomed to pick up again.

[fauxartist in reply to Isinatra]

Once sober....then it's daily maintenance of an alcoholic mindset. I believe I was born this way, as well as having depression...I'm 'dual diagnosed'. As well as having mental injury CPTSD, etc. It's a mixed bag, and a balancing act at best...but life finds a way.

[Isinatra in reply to fauxartist]

I see what your saying….