When I got Parkinsons, I knew that there'd be a few years before I became housebound (and I'm not there yet). When that point was actually reached, I comforted myself with the knowledge that I had many friends, some of whome have admittedly moved away either to far flung place in the UK, or abroad. 'Now that we've got the internet' distance won't be a problem'. I imagined that I'd be sat in a chair dishing out all sorts of wisdom, articles, odd thoughts, Youtube clips to my gang of mates and that thre'd be lots of response to these and ensuing discussion. But one thing I KNOW about this strange species the human race: you can never predict how they'll respond.
So my 'gang' (maybe that's my first mistake: Maybe they don't agree or have any awareness that they're part of my 'gang'? Maybe I'm deluded?) get the YT clips, the interesting thoughts and observations, articles. They then click on what Ive sent, read it (two blue ticks on WhatsApp indicates this) and thats as far as it goes. There's rarely any feedback or discussion. Most of them can't even seem to summon up the courtesy of a smiley face or similar to acknowledge receipt. And what are the chances of actually receiving something from them 'original' i.e not a response to me but a greeting, enquiry on my PD? Not great seemingly.
A couple of months ago I texted this to those who I considered to be good friends:
''Yesterday I spent more time than I'm usually wiling to own up to, talking to my dog. I had a bit of interaction on WhatsApp at 9 a.m but then nothing until 7pm which is when my wife gets back from work and the gym. I tried to do a few things to divert my attention (played some guitar, wrote some more on my essay, bit of housework) but couldn't settle. After chatting a bit more to the pooch, I reaslised that I was lonely. I also know that there's some heavy *hit attached to this. According to one well repected neurologist, 'the negative impact of loneliness on symptom severoty for a person with Parkinsons is as large as the positive effect from exercise'. Blimey! So here's a plea: don't forget me. Send me occasional texts which share your thoughts, events in your families life, news. Please don't assume that I'm as active socially as I used to be. I'm in my 9th year with Parkinson's now. 40 years ago most people were dead by their 10th year which says something about how the operation as well as my determination to survive. But I can't do it without you.''
I wrote that in early December. There was a somewhat immediate and energetic response by some. Others didn't respond at all (at the time I presumed they were planning how to do this, but after several months I suspect nothing is forthcoming). I've now reverted to the childish 'well if they're not going to contact me, I'm not going to contact them' stance. Everyone's a loser now I suppose. But trying to observe this objectively, I'm amazed that they can't look in occasionallly on a guy who's still got something to say, who they ran marathons with, took to the stage in bands, built houses and travelled the world in former times.
Yours, marinated in oodles of self pity. Jeeves.
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Hello jeeves, I'm sorry to hear that not all your friends are as responsive in communication with you as you would like. But I can't suggest to you to do what I would have done in your position because in another thread weeks ago, I mentioned that I'm an introvert, so I don't even want too many people contacting me anyway. So much so that i have disabled my WhatsApp double bluethick and online visibility status.. I don't want to have the burden of having to respond to everyone texts, voice notes etc. Thats a burden to me. I love people, but I just prefer as minimal communication as possible... maybe even none. So I ignore people. But never bcos of any hard feelings
Maybe herein also lay the solution that would ease your mind. Maybe your friends are simply different personalities or have become different personalities, ie not or no longer extroverts. Or it could be other reasons, like being too busy
But never see it as a snub. I guess you see it as a snub otherwise you would have satisfied your need to interact with people if even only just 30% responded and did a back and forth texting with you, rather than worrying about the 70% who didn't respond
You also have us here on HU to interact with. You've got Marc's weekly zoom thing... I think the Internet and social media has spoilt and there no logical reason for you extroverts to feel lonely 😁
Dissociation is very common and normal. Everybody has their own way. It is what it is. You do what you do because it is natural for you to do it, not because it is transactional to extract something from another.
A very old trainer who was ending about the time I was starting put it this way (I was lucky enough to have been trained by one of his students): "I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I; If by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped."
Jeeves, some people mean to respond then a week will go by and haven't responded so they just don't. My own brother doesn't respond to my texts. I give him 2 days then ask if he got my text to which he responds simply "yes." As a touchy feeling type of person, this behavior drives me nuts. I feel he could at least ask how I'm doing, how my hubby with PD is doing, but alas no. If I were to call him on this he would just think I'm nuts.
Everyone is different. Most people will not meet our expectations. People move on to their new friends who they might see every day at work, church, bar, bowling, whatever.
May be time to meet some new people. And, as Grump77 said - you have the folks at HI, zoom meetings, spouse and probably more.
Thanks Linda. They drive me nuts too. I think that it’s a problem of men more so than for women. To that end i wish that I had more women in my circle of friends. They always come across as more capable socially and emotionally?
I have the opposite problem. Plenty of people -friends and relatives want to come to my home and meet up with me and I avoid them like the plague because of my speech impediments.
Hi Jeeves, I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely and disappointed in the lack of response from your friends. It must be difficult to navigate PD for so many years and not have the support you were hoping for.
Courageous to share this with us. Everyone will experience it differently, we are all unique, just like our PD. But for me, there is definitely some recognition. I can only speak for myself because I don't know you, your situation, your friends, or your family life. Maybe you can find something useful in what I have to say.
The first thing that comes to mind is how much you have accepted your PD. Personally, I believe that I have fully accepted it. Especially in this stage, the delayed honeymoon, I enjoy life more than before the diagnosis! But is that really the case? According to my wife, there is something lacking in that acceptance, and I immediately bounce back, with some PD delay, that it is actually her who lacks acceptance. And voilà, then we argue and this PD man starts crying...
What I'm trying to say is that we think we are still the same, but we don't react in exactly the same way anymore. Four years ago, I was just that confident strong man that everyone could rely on, but now things have changed.
Perhaps we should first look at ourselves and consider how this change affects others. My wife thinks twice before bringing up a sensitive issue for me. And then that guy of hers gets upset again. I prefer to withdraw and live like a hermit in the French countryside. It makes me feel comfortable. No one makes comments when I do something clumsy, when I'm slow, or when I don't want to go to a dinner party again. It's total stress relief for me. But how is it for my partner? She envisioned our retired life differently...
And my friends? They do the same as I did last week at a farewell party for a friend of mine who has an incurable brain tumor. You look at her with that inquisitive look, wondering how long she has left, if she will make it through the day, while it should be a warm and comforting atmosphere for her. I see that same look from friends and acquaintances towards me. They search for changes that I believe are not there yet, they talk over me more often, and communicate with my partner or children, even though there is nothing wrong with my voice or thinking ability. Or maybe they do notice that slight delayed reaction, the problems with background noise in a large group, or the quietness later in the evening? You can't ignore that, you have to address it. Acceptance is key.
While it's disheartening that your friends haven't been as responsive or engaged as you'd like, it's possible that they may not realize the extent of your feelings or the importance of their presence in your life. Instead of resorting to a "tit-for-tat" approach, where you withhold contact based on their lack of response, consider reaching out to them again. Express how much their friendship means to you and the impact their engagement would have on your well-being. Open communication can often help bridge gaps and foster understanding.
Reminds me of the movie Sneakers, where Ben Kingsley is holding his friend Robert Redford at gunpoint, and says to Redford: "I can not kill my friend." Then he hands his gun to his subordinate and says "Kill my friend."
You get an A+ on your essay😇🤗. Isn't it ironic that we're discussing this topic on the day when Princess Kate of the UK has announced that she has cancer. She is still in her 40's., Cancer or Parkinson's? Cancer evokes an immediate response of horror and fear. Parkinson's evokes a reaction of disbelief and confusion and lack of seriousness.
Gives a new meaning to the term "What is your poison '?
My mother passed away from cancer at age 41, orphaning her minor children. It was a very slow, very obvious process. My daughter passed away from cancer age 37, similarly extended process, also orphaning her minor children who got to watch and participate for several years. Like millions though. No one is entitled to tomorrow, but you do have today, and that is considerably more than many people (including approximately a million people today who won't have tomorrow...just pick up a newspaper or watch a broadcast once in a while). I have found though, that whenever I feel like s*** for one reason or another, that doing something for somebody else makes me feel considerably better.
It’s a tough one. Many of the people im referring to live in places such as Australia, Hong Kong, Canada. We don’t meet often much now but I grew up with these boys and as teenagers we always had each other’s backs in sometimes dangerous situations. I suppose I always felt it’d be this way despite the miles.
It’s not much to ask is it: just communicate occasionally. It’s meant to be a pleasure, not something onerous to be fitted into a schedule. Hell some of them can’t even manage a simple yes or no when I suggest a future call. I guess I’ll have to learn to accept that people are mercurial and capricious. That’s not meant as a swipe at then. The Buddha always warned us that change is continually altering situations and institutions which we imagined were steadfast and immovable. Bummer. 🫤
There may be an important difference in our situations, namely our age. Your group of friends is probably also around sixty, so they are still fully immersed in "life." You are confronting them with mortality and the relative insignificance of those last struggles to prove themselves. They don't like that.
At my age of 67, you enter a stage of life where people retire, have more time for their friends, and often return to their roots. Moreover those friends also increasingly experience health issues, which becomes a common topic of conversation.
Perhaps you just need to be patient a little longer... 😅
I also like your response as I think that is exactly what happens. We are in the same boat, people don't keep in touch with my husband, and yet all our friends keep in touch with me, not because I am a fast answerer or a better friend than my husband, but because at present I am easy to get hold of, and talk to. My husband is slower on the keyboard and finds it harder to respond and basically friends or not, they seem to shy away from anything that has a health issue attached. Just life really!
I don’t. Just because I acknowledge an element of self pity, it still amazes and disappoints me how people I was extremely close to in my life act as if I’ve got a cold or something. I feel certain that if one of them contracted a degenerative brain disease that I’d make sure I involved them in my life, especially if they’d pointed out explicitly how detrimental isolation can be to the condition. In asserting this, i know that I’m setting myself up for a fall but ‘right’ behaviour should always be expected as a standard I feel.
The thing with expectation mate, is that often you will be disappointed. I don't see how you need to change either though. People will come out of the woodwork when they want, or not. You can't force them. I also agree with you that if someone you knew came down with a 'disease', PD or not, you would hear from them.
This actually happened to my husband.... his best friend has been very absent over the years in support or just catchups (many miles away also), but he admitted he finds it difficult dealing with my husband having PD. And yet, when he was diagnosed with a serious condition a few years back, the first person he called was my husband. He was scared and they chatted the longest time ever. NOW - thank God - he was diagnosed incorrectly and isn't ill at all, so things have gone back to how they were before. Not great for my husband obviously..... so everyone is different ! I don't think you can hold people to a standard. Everyone's standards are different for different reasons I feel.
Wife of a Parkie here, but I am also one of those well-intentioned people who mean to contact folks in my life who are lonely and waiting to hear from a caring person. I guess this is just to give perspective from the other side. I know I can do better, whether it's just a quick text, email or phone chat. Personally, I avoid phone calls because they usually lead to an hour of having been on the phone. My solution to the phone chat dilemma is to do it when I can multi-task, like talk and cook, or talk and knit, etc., but I feel like I am not fully present in the conversation when I do this. Maybe a shorter 10 minute conversation when I can be fully engaged is better? I usually wait for the "right" time, but that often means a week or more has passed. In any case, I am sorry you feel your friends have abandoned you despite your best efforts. Your post has jogged me into the realization that I need to do better, so thank you for that...
No need to repent for being an introvert. It is by no means a character flaw, it’s just where you are most comfortable. I am an introvert, so I am very much at peace doing things by myself, seeking companionship only when I get tired of my own. I definitely enjoy the company of other people, but it drains my battery if I socialize for too long. A good bout of me-time and I’m recharged. 😆
Yes, indeed… I have an extrovert friend; we can go to the same party and enjoy it very much. The difference is she will walk away feeling exhilarated and I walk away mentally exhausted from having to be social for longer than I’d like; for her, it just comes naturally.
I completely identify with being mentally exhausted due to meeting people. I also think that for me, its made much worse bcos I lack the creativity of coming up with new things to talk about after a while. Coming up things to continuously talk about is exhausting. I just lack the creativity (made worse by PD). And looking at each other while remaining silent for long or repeating yourselves would sound very awkward
Jeeves, I wonder how you spend long time with friends without hitting awkward moments. I'm able to use this forum well because I type when there's a good topic to talk about. Unlike when people are continuously in your face but with nothing more to talk about
Interesting this conversation on introvert/extrovert. I've always considered myself an extrovert/people person and yet over the past year or so I have become more happy with leaving the party so to speak. I really want to go and socialise and then by the time it's half way through I crave my own company at home with a good book.... Crazy isn't it.
I dont think I need it, but fact is I've become comfortable with my own company KNOWING that friends are there who care. I don't know Adam if I need the interaction, but I know with my husbands PD, I need the support when I feel the need and that friends will be there for me....not sure that makes sense
Dave, I know you mean well, but your "one size fits all" isn't helpful.
Adam has 8 empty hours to fill, 5 days a week, and is a confident engaging individual. But he is working age, and I suspect his mates, for the most part, are working age too. Adam has retired early, and his mates, including his wife, havent. He's bored and lonely, and his friends have busy full lives. I think a good hobby, like golf, or Tass glove building, would be more helpful. Or move down here to the South of France, where everyone, apart from Mrs WTP , is retired and has time on their hands. We have the opposite problem.
Marcs chat, while very pleasant, is not going to fill 40 empty mid-week hours.
Adam, your friends are just busy in the real world mate. What were you like before you retired?
Yeah I think that's a great analogy of how things are also from what Winnie says. Time on hands is the thing and retired early. I retired early so we could travel before my husband cannot travel anymore and I feel it was a mistake (for me). I can't wait to get home again soon (as we are returning to our homeland) and start work again and be back in a supportive community around friends that want to help and love us, and in turn it will help me help my husband more.
I feel for you. They sound very lucky to have you as a friend : alas, I’m dealing with something similar. And I found that being honest about the situation evokes a ho-hum response.
I wonder if this situation would change if they became seriously ill and knew how it felt. (I swear, this is not a revenge fantasy. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. ) Perhaps this person was always this way, but a friend of mine became very sick, so I tried to make a point of checking on him and his wife, and just keeping in touch and listening. not out of nobility probably ,but I have a lot of time on my hands lol. He’s cautiously better but they have remain so good about staying in touch and checking on me now. And of course it goes both ways — I fuss over both now. Checking on their health and all that. It definitely warms the heart.
I wish I knew the answer. I try to shrug and just tell myself that the other friends are busy, frightened, or don’t realize. Perhaps they didn’t read the text? But it is difficult to be Zen about it. Maybe we’re all different people now, and those close friendships existed in another time . I have asked myself if I am trying to gather beads from a bracelet that was cherished but now is broken. I don’t have time or energy now to scurry around thefloor looking for scattered pieces. I am Forgive my tortured metaphor.
But I am trying to not worry as much and just not look back, but instead to move ahead. There are a lot of people on the planet to potentially get to know and be friends with. That’s what I tell myself anyway :-).
I don’t know. Except I do know that I can’t force old bracelet into its former shape. That’s kind of what it’s become: trying to get the response I want, but the efforts don’t succeed. If I talk honestly and directly to someone and they don’t respond, for me, the only thing left is to just move on. Of course I’ll still be friends with the person but I try not to be attached to the outcome. Which is darned difficult !
good morning 😊. My husband has the same problem. He has cancer, sarcoidosis and other quite serious gastrointestinal issues. He is very social and tries hard have an outlet for that. He has commented numerous times about how it is always him reaching out to others and he never receives this the other way.
One thing that I have noticed, that I hope may help you a little, is that men tend to do things with their friends more than just sit and chat like women will. So several of the men who I’m talking about will go to the gym or bike ride together. My husband can’t do those things anymore and his friends know that so he doesn’t get invited. I’m certainly not excusing this behavior but I really don’t think it’s intentional. In fact I would say that if they need to be more intentional and invite him to some he can do with them ( brunch, go to a game..)
So I’m saying….try not to take it personal. They are the ones who are missing out on continuing your relationship. Keep reaching out and don’t give up. I’m putting you on my prayer list.
I hear you from the heart jeeves; and I understand because I’m experiencing the pain of losing friends and family in much the same way as you‘ve described.
Thank you for talking about this “treatment” from individuals who were once close and trusted to being less than marginally connected to you. The sorrow you’re feeling is certainly an appropriate response to what is happening.
When people we love abandon our relationship with them we have every reason, and right, to grieve. Please don’t mistake the sadness that accompanies abandoned by our tribe, friends and family as self pity. I prefer to call it out by what it is; neglect, betrayal and shaming by gaslighting us into believing our grief is all our own fault.
Hello jeeves19. Cherise here in Washington State, US. It's 4 AM here. After waking up at 3:25 AM I checked my emails & text messages. I read a text message from a dear friend in Oregon, who, amazingly, volunteered to make a home for our 2 mustang horses on her 17 acre farm. Her name is Lindy and she texts us at least twice a day...every day, with updates on the latest goings-on of our Mustangs, Judy (who's 8 yrs old & Chief, a retired show horse, is 26 yrs. old. Lindy invariably includes words of encouragement in her daily missives, which she wraps up in ber charming humor.
My spouse, Marian, of 22 yrs; is 76and is my primary caregiver. I am 72 & was diagnosed 8 yrs ago wjth...(pensive drum roll please...wait for it...now hit it!) PD! Which is why Lindy offers us encouragement. Which reminds
me: My late father-in-law, Hans, well into his 90's, used to smile, as he was being loaded into one of many ambulances...and say in his heavy German/Yiddish accent, "Ah...zee golden years!
How I loved that man and miss him so...
Pressing on...Thank you for sharing your reflections of your "Ol' gang."Jeeves. BTW, I too played guitar but decided to give it up recently when my picking fingers kept uncontrollably plunging into my guitar's "O" hole. LOL! Ah the never-ending gifts of PD!
It's 5:26 AM and miracle of miracles...I'm getting sleepy...again!
Wishing you well Jeeves. Keep on fighting the good fight!
I can’t imagine being an extrovert and having this condition. How frustrating! Maybe you could do some phone volunteering. Like doing some friendly check in calls to some elderly shut ins?
I have experienced something similar to what you have described. When I was diagnosed, I reached out to my two best friends or mates as you may refer to them as. I wanted to arrange a regular 9 hole golf game or even a regular walk. I was hoping for once a week but twice or even once a month would have been nice. But this was not in the cards for these type A’s. The reason I say type A’s is because I realized that I had always said yes to their invites and now that I was inviting and my idea didn’t fit their schedule, golf wasn’t happening with these friends.
I learned something big about friendship. I turned to my neighbor and an old high school mate with whom I now walk once a week. I golf with my hubby once or twice a week which is a natural way of feeling like you’re socializing with the two strangers that are put with you.
I have to say the disappointment from those “best” friends that didn’t step up when I needed them too, still really stings. But it did make me grateful for the few people that make the time for me.
If I remember correctly, you live in London, which is a place full of people. Well! Go out and start saying hello to everyone you meet with great admiration, which is intense interest, and listen to them attentively. Get ready, they will tell you the whole story of their life and you will make many and many new friendships, like here on CPHU.
But I see you already know this!
Greetings with friendship from Brianza, Italy ( 2136 people per sq km 😊)
Vintage Italian motorbike
Motoguzzi Stornello 125cc , 110 kmh,
Year 1970
Most people are so busy with themselves I think. Plus scared bad luck might rub off on them.
One thing you could try is making the conversation about them or their kids. And asking their opinion on things. Maybe politics, sport, music, technology etc whatever they like taking about. Most people can’t resist talking about themselves and giving their opinions. After a while the converstion will get onto something you want to talk about.
And most people get bored talking about medical things. But wait until they are 80. When hubby goes to bridge the conversation is all about what meds people are on and medical complaints.
One of them is bound to also get Parkinson’s eventually. Then they will come to you for help.
Another thing is some people don’t like being sent videos and articles . They don’t enjoy them. I sometimes forward articles to hubby I think would interest him or be useful. He never looks at them.
I think you’ve made a good point about that people don’t like to be sent videos. I am guilty of this. 🫤. Thanks for your contribution. I hope all is well with you.
I am right there with you. Although I am introverted and do need time to myself, I also need and crave interaction with other people too. I am very lonely and since my voice has failed me…it is one of my worst symptoms… it is very difficult for me to communicate with other people at all. Companionship depends on being able to talk and express yourself. I have always been rather quiet, but now I can’t talk coherently, and people don’t have the patience to try to understand me, most of the time. My cognition, thank goodness, is still okay. Sometimes, I have a lot to say about a particular topic, but it is so hard for me to talk and be understood, that I have pretty much given up trying and have become very isolated. I belong to a women’s PD support group, which meets once a month, go to a boxing class and am part of Marcs online group, which helps, but I really miss having friends to hang out with and miss being able to contribute to a discussion.
I joined this forum as my late mother had Parkinsons. In the BHF forum I commented about disappearing friends. Here is what I said:-
Johnny Cash made hurt, originally recorded by Nine Inch Nails, his own! It is one of my favourite songs especially when I am feeling low. The verse that hits the most is:
What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
especially the last two lines. After my bypass a few people went off radar (others have commented on this previously) but since my amputation over half the people I knew have. One I had known for nearly forty years. Three are quite strange. One has been coming to see me for four years, another kept saying he was coming over in June 2022 but went quiet around October last year and another popped up after 20 years after hearing what happened, came to visit and disappeared again. Oh well it says more about them than me I think.
A fine song and one that I made a couple of my students learn this week (guitar). Thanks for contributing Michael . An interesting take on things from a non-Parkie.
When was the last time you sent folks each their own individual quick hello email inquiring how they are, "Bey Bill how are you doing? What's up?" each getting their own rather than as a collective group? Some people just don't get it and may not feel like they ought to respond to what sounds like a collective newsletter. Or maybe they need a prompt that gets them out of the reverie, like "Hey Bill, remember that time I left my socks under your wife's bed? You know I never did get them back."
I tend to maintain better contact with people in my circle(s) through phone calls as opposed to written correspondence. The whole dynamic of who sticks with you when they discover that you're down strikes me as fairly mysterious and I don't spend a lot of time worrying about it; these things seem to take care of themselves.
It all has to do with the inevitable circumstance of a shrinking universe due to getting older.
This may be a an opportunity to throw in a joke: A patient is sitting in the doctor's office and the doc says to him:"I see from your file you are 74 years old (or whatever the age might be). I'd like to get that number down a little."
It would seem folks that ‘friends’ aren’t always for life, especially when circumstances change. That’s their right to do as they see fit of course. But as Deat said, ‘when they get something serious themselves then they learn from this’. Being an introvert seems to help. Extrovertism seems to have its downsides.
Thanks to all who posted. A couple of sentences stick with me from some contributors:
‘The whole dynamic of who sticks with you when they discover that you're down strikes me as fairly mysterious and I don't spend a lot of time worrying about it; these things seem to take care of themselves’
‘After my bypass a few people went off radar (others have commented on this previously) but since my amputation over half the people I knew have. One I had known for nearly forty years. Three are quite strange. One has been coming to see me for four years, another kept saying he was coming over in June 2022 but went quiet around October last year and another popped up after 20 years after hearing what happened, came to visit and disappeared again’
‘Please don’t mistake the sadness that accompanies abandoned by our tribe, friends and family as self pity. I prefer to call it out by what it is; neglect, betrayal and shaming by gaslighting us into’
Thanks for this post. It helped me to realize I expect more from people than is realistic, and suffer as a result. Self-pity has me focused on my own problems, and I forget that everyone has challenges that seem huge to them, as well as busy lives.
So instead I'll reach out to find out how they are, and listen, without expectations...
I think culture plays a part. In Northern cultures, we've pretty much eliminated extended families and community -- not just "how are you--I'm fine" but community that comes together to support and hold when needed-- to our detriment.
A friend from El Salvador was shocked that my sister's and nieces and nephews, most of whom live nearby, don't visit me. Her mother in law is going through chemo, and the family has organized so that someone is with her every day.
I lived in Mexico and Central America for over a decade. This is what I miss deeply. People care. They don't even have to be long time friends.
So true Rebtar. How did we ever reach this state whereby relations who live locally don’t look in on you. We have $$ but the more you gain the more the ❤️ erodes?
Money's part of it. But it goes much deeper. It's modern culture as a whole. The culture that values things and property over human beings, over all living beings. This culture is literally killing us, by filling our environment and our bodies with toxins. Yet we (this is the general western culture "we") can't see the forest for the trees. It's our habits of accumulation, our disconnection from ourselves, from each other, our communities, and perhaps most profoundly, from the earth itself.
I'm reading a book I'd recommend if this interests you. "Neither Wolf Nor Dog". A contrast of our modern culture with the cuture of the original peoples who lived here (USA) before the Europeans brought their culture of private property, accumulation and domination.
If you like the book, let me know. A friend has just published a book that addresses this.
I feel empathy for the process you are going through. I, too, have pondered similarly on circumstances that cause distance and the missing of cherished friends, wondering about them and if they ever think about us: me, my husband, our fam.
I do not feel this is self-pity at all. Puzzling to understand the seasons of friendship in the context of remembering those we've been close to is not easy. It is simply growth. We realize that just as we are growing, changing, and navigating life's curves, so are they, and for unintentional reasons (no one intentionally asks for PD to shuffle into their life!), we divert, separate, and end up losing touch.
Why is it that to honor the experiences and feelings we have had with a friend, do we feel we must keep the relationship active or expect a friend to expend heightened attention on us? The resentment from feeling a friend doesn't care, or the guilt from feeling we haven't done enough to preserve a friendship, goes entirely against what true friendship is!
For me, the answer is to try and hold our friends in my heart, actively, joyfully, honoring them for our special history together while simultaneously realizing that the season of our tangible friendship's time has passed, and be OK with that. No judgment. Grateful for what was and open without expectation should the ebb and flow of our lives bring us back in proximity for a precious moment of catch-up, love, laughter, and reminiscence.
Do we miss ole' friends? Of course! Reminding ourselves to hold them in positive affective memory rather than bound in emotional longing is a constant.
You're describing typical adulthood. Very few people past the age of about 40 are in constant or even meaningful occasional contact with those outside their immediate families - maybe in some cases they maintain a friend or two. Beyond that they mostly interact with the people that life is putting on their path - colleagues, their kids' friends' parents, neighbours etc.
Also consider that many people have shit going on that you don't know about. Your PD is front and centre for you, but it's likely barely a blip for some of your 'gang', who could be privately dealing with cancer, a sick kid, a sick grandkid, a sick spouse, financial issues, business issues, family disputes, big life decisions, divorce, and so on.
Hi Jeeves, Sounds like you had a good social life before parkinson's. I guess that only makes it harder. How's about doing something different and meeting new people. I have this past couple of years taken up two new hobbies. Metal Detecting (probably due to the brilliant TV series 'The Detectorists') and more recently Astro Photography. Both good because you can join a local group, or go it alone sometimes depending how you feel.I am a bit concerned whether DBS might mean I have to stop detectoring.
hola Jeeves19, te entiendo lo que vives, lo que pasa es que la vida va cambiando tanto, que nuestros amigos se van enrolando en su vida cotidiana, y no es que no quieran estar con uno, sino que hay veces que rehuyen a enfrentar las enfermedades de los amigos, y como no han padecido de algo en la vida son indiferentes a la manera de pensar de los que padecemos de algo, nosotros le damos un valor agregado a la lucha diaria y eso es gratificante para todos, tenemos que ser felices por nosotros mismos, no esperar que los demás nos hagan felices, tu continua mandándoles mensajes, algún día lo entenderán y nunca dejes que tu animo se decaiga, siempre trátale de sonreírle a la vida, hay un dicho aquí en México que dice, si la vida te da limones entonces has limonada y por supuesto la mejor, saludos
Hello Jeeves19, I understand what you are experiencing, what happens is that life changes so much, that our friends become involved in their daily lives, and it is not that they do not want to be with one, but that there are times that they shy away from facing the friends' illnesses, and since they have not suffered from something in life they are indifferent to the way of thinking of those of us who suffer from something, we give added value to the daily struggle and that is gratifying for everyone, we have to be happy for ourselves, not expecting others to make us happy, you continue sending them messages, one day they will understand and never let your spirits fail, always try to smile at life, there is a saying here in Mexico that says, if Life gives you lemons so you have lemonade and of course the best, greetings
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