My journey

[Cd313]

It has officially been one year and five months since I was diagnosed with CLL. It has been mentally the most challenging year and I have had to endure family tragedy I lost my 38 year old brother in Oct of 16 from a work accident. I left my husband lost my house financially I am struggling because my ex refuses to help pay for the mortgage or any of the household expenses that were incurred. I also had to have my anti depressant medication increased and changed to lexapro at 20 miligrams but I still deal with severe depression. I was able to get a specialist finally so every 6 months I go to Duke. Every 3 months to my oncologist. My WBC is slowly going up right now it is over 45,000. Hemoglobin is at 9. I also found out that I am 13q and I forgot the other part about my genetic stuff but basically my body will have the best outcome for treatment and long term periods of remission if you can say that. I haven't been on here for a long time. But I do have the following symptoms sometimes, fevers, night sweats and I am just constantly tired. When I was initially diagnosed I was working out and eating right but since October I don't care. I lost over 20 pounds and I have a mental health doctor I see a psychiatrist as well. The physical aspects seem trivial but the mental component is still hard for me even today. I try to be positive and I try not to think about it but it is always there I can tell my body is changing. So many people look at me and think she isn't sick or she seems fine to me but I am not ok and I am tired of explaining myself to people that are clueless. I guess I just needed to vent and get stuff out there. When I was at Duke in June my specialist advised me against having children. But after my brothers accident in Oct I found out I was pregnant and I had to take pills and not have the baby. It was the first time I was ever pregnant and was the last. Being my age and still in the Navy and wanting a family of my own and knowing I shouldn't was the hardest pill to swallow. I grieve the loss of my child every day and coupling that with the loss of my brother sometimes is too much to bear. My parents although not with me in VA are my support and give me strength when I don't feel I have any left. Well that is my rant. I hope and pray the they find a cure for our disease