My mum had a full hip replacement just over 2 weeks ago and I am after a bit of advice.
Before she went in, she was using a zimmer and wasn’t leaving the house, plus was being very demanding and verbally abusive.
She has been home for just 2 weeks now, but is still using her zimmer and even though I tell her she must start bending her knee when walking, she is very stiff legged.
Whenever I try and be positive about progress and that her Original hip pain will have gone, she keeps saying that she’s got to take things slowly and is still in a lot of pain.
She also reels off all the other ailments she has.
She had become very illness orientated before her operation and in some ways it feels likes she wants to have things wrong with her as it gets her attention from me.
She is also playing games and when she was still in hospital she told me that I didn’t understand just how much pain she was in and that the hospital were disgusted that I wasn’t going to stay with her for 3 nights after she was discharged.
When I spoke to the ward sister she smiled and said that was rubbish - her pain levels had actually been really low and she had passed all their tests with flying colours. She also said that they knew she lived on her own and that they actually prefer family to not be there too much as the person needs to get up and about and do things for themselves.
It’s very frustrating and saddens me that she behaves this way with me, but isthe picture of loveliness with everyone else.
I am worried that she should have made more progress by now but i’m not medically trained, so not sure.
Thanks for reading
Vikki
Written by
Scrappy1943
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It's absolutely true that sometimes the elderly can and will manipulate their medical conditions to try to attract attention and/or care from carers and relatives But I'm inclined to think that you should be allowing your mum more time for her pain to settle and not push her on too fast.
Although it's a routine op to replace a joint, it's still a major surgical procedure and can cause pain/and or discomfort for some time afterwards.
I can feel your frustration at her not listening to you, but again this is a facet of most of us, and just because we become elderly doesn't mean we want to capitulate and hand over control of ourselves, or even listen to the person who cares for us. I don't need a carer, but I am elderly, and, do I listen to my children's advice? Not a chance! Most of us will want to be in charge of ourselves up to the point that it's not even sensible to do so.
So, all you can do is to encourage, and to suggest. And you can also ask any of her professional health providers to endorse what you say. But after that, it really is up to her.
And it can also be very true that she will save her best behaviour for others, but that's because she is the person who raised you, so feels she has no need to put on a 'sweet face' around you. For many years she was in charge of you. She feels she can be relaxed and real around you and expects that you, as her daughter, will be on her side, no matter what, and will always see you as the 'junior partner' in the relationship. (I do understand that's not entirely true when you have the role of carer and she's being so awkward with you, but if you can manage to step back just a little bit and leave her be a little more, she will be easier to cope with).
It's a strange dynamic when the cared for steps into the role of carer inside the very intense relationship that exists between parents and children.
Thank you for your honest reply - it’s been a very challenging 2 years and the verbal abuse can be very draining. I am an only child and not other close relatives so the buck stops with me.
I am slowly starting to accept that I will never be able to do enough or get it right and it’s so sad that in effect I lost my mum 2 years ago but she’s still very much alive.
Yes. I feel for you. It is that loss of a living person who is still with us in all but their erstwhile spirit that is so heartbreaking. And that the overwhelming amount of caring needed almost always seems to fall unfairly on one person, and especially an only child. And not only is it heartbreaking but sheer hard labour. It's so easy to get completely lost through being overwhelmed and exhausted. So do remember yourself in all of this and whenever you can get to take any kind of break from it, do so, and actively look for ways in which to do it.
Very best wishes.
Ask at the hospital where she had the op if they do a post-operation physio course. Most of them do where she will have about 6 weeks of exercises to help her get mobile. She is much more likely to do them for the physios than she will for you.
Maybe you need to let her know that if she keeps treating you so badly you will leave each time she does it. There is no reason why you should accept this behaviour, It is not fair on you and, unless you make her see that it is unacceptable, she will continue to do it. It is very easy to take frustration out on those nearest to us, but it doesn't make it right! If you don't let her know that she cannot act like this, she will not change. Maybe write her a letter explaining that you cannot let her do this any more.
A hip operation in an elderly person IS a major procedure but many, many of my friends have had hips and knees replaced and, providing they do the exercises they have been given and use the joint properly, it is a very successful procedure.
I can only sympathise , I'm 83 this month, my wife has advanced Parkinsons. She had 1/2 hip replacement after fall. She has used a zimmer frame for 2 or 3 years. Her behaviour is a mirror image of your husband. I prepare allher meals. She falls regularly , nearest neighbour I/2 mile away. I had a heart attack 6 weeks ago , not recovering well in circumstances.
The comments are all the response I would give. My husband had hip replacement 3years ago. Vascular dementia and Alzheimer's made life really difficult. He will do ANYTHING for other people with a smile and a joke. As soon as they leave he's forgotten what he needs to do. He says I don't know what I'm talking about if I try to prompt him to do the exercises. He too is convinced that there is something serious wrong with him. Reluctantly he is now in a care home because of his aggression towards me. The man I love is still in there somewhere and I hate being without him. I cherish the time we have when he's"normal" and loving. But then break my heart when I leave him. I'm sorry to have offloaded this but I can't tell my family how distressed I am.
What a heartfelt reply Barbnken. It's such a hateful condition which robs us of our once cherished loved ones, and leaves in their place aggressive ungrateful shells of people who are virtual strangers, and can't engage with us properly. I always liken it to the movie 'The invasion of the body snatchers'. And there's no happy ending. No comfort to be had. Just an endless routine of caring and having to fight for assistance, financial and practical. And it so often comes at the wrong end of life when you are tired yourself with fighting your own health and financial battles.
There's not much in the way of comfort for you, but I can say that I do feel deeply for you. I hope you manage to stay strong, but I know it's not easy. Very best wishes.
Thank you so much for your lovely supportive kind words. You'll never know what a comfort your words are. Thank you for taking the time to write. Bless you xx
Tough love I'm afraid but in sections, be there for her regularly but not so much she doesn't try. Be positive and tell her how brave she's being and your proud of her and talk of lovely things you can do together once she's better, otherwise let her see there is good things to do once fix. Remember nurses are there to process and do not deal with the mental trauma and mental health, she's just scared ok.
Hi, my mum doesn't seem to like it when her situation is improved!! Something changes and we move on to another condition. My sisters and I all qualified as nurses. If someone at a bus stop advised here on some action she would treat this as the messiah helping her. Us 3, we know nothing. I have the dubious pleasure of sharing my home with my parent. I listen, smile or nod and then carry on.
It may be a compliment that she knows if she insults me I'll still be here??
Hi Scrappy1943. I'm glad you seem to accept this with such equanimity. I think sometimes it just saves a lot of stress and unnecessary ill will to accept the status quo, because you can't effectively change the situation. Very best wishes.
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