Accommodation

[libertyvictory]

Hello, just joined. My daughter was in supported housing in a shared house for about 6 months, but the police were called today to remove her as she was throwing things in a rage. Previously she was in a flat by herself with support workers which was working fine. She is now back with me. I am assured by her social worker that she is seeking emergency accommodation and that she would get back to me today which she hasn't. I am concerned that this may not happen for some time and somewhat regret agreeing to take my daughter back. I am utterly disillusioned by the whole mental health service in my area.

[sassy59]

Welcome to you libertyvictory, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. It’s not right that she’s not being properly supported and neither are you. We don’t do mental health at all well in this country.

I would contact her social worker first thing and ask what’s going on. In the meantime, I hope your daughter can be stable whilst with you.

Please feel free to post anytime, we are here for you. Xxxx

[libertyvictory in reply to sassy59]

Thank you so much.

[Hidden]

Hi libertyvictory,

Welcome to our Care community, and so sorry to hear that you have this challenging issue to deal with.

I think that lots of people end up in this situation with family members. We love our children despite their life challenges and when we aren't helping them, we feel guilt, and society helps that guilt by being judgmental and pouring more on top of you.

Sometimes it's not the best solution to have the person with mental issues living with you. You aren't as well equipped to deal with her problems as a social or mental health worker who will have expert strategies for dealing with challenging behaviour.

I think you have to be firmer about her being found alternate accommodation. It's all too easy in these constrained times for field workers to claim that 'they are doing their best', when, at times, that amounts to not much more than being on a list as requiring accommodation with not much happening to make it happen.

You have to let everyone know that you can't cope and you won't cope. And to learn to do that without guilt. It's not your fault that your daughter's behaviour is so challenging that you don't know how to deal with it any more. So don't sit back and wait. Explain that her living any longer with you is intolerable, and, short of that making her end up on the street, stand your ground.

Incidentally, welcome as you are here in the Care Community and please come back as often as you like, there are others in the Healthunlocked family which deal with mental health issues. If you haven't tried those, you can find what's available by clicking on <myhub>, then <browse communities> and then you can refine that by typing <mental health> in the search box at the top of that page.

Very best wishes. I know this is far from easy and I hope you find a solution you can both live with soon.

[libertyvictory in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your support. You have really hit the nail on the head.

It's true, if I told anyone that I know I had taken her back they would all say I shouldn't have which is why I feel I can't talk to anyone. It's true as well though that my daughter should not live with me which is why she was in supported housing in the first place. I am so disappointed to say the least, that the support workers at the house seem to be no better equipped than I am in dealing with mental health issues. I thought they were trained, professional people. One of them was actually removed from the house for verbal abuse towards my daughter.

I called the out of hours number last night when I didn't hear back from the social worker. I was put through to the Mental Health Assessment team in the local hospital. Of course the person I spoke to there didn't have a clue and when I explained he actually told me that I should be responsible anyway as the parent! How is he able to say that to me?!

Anyway the social worker is saying it's a process but she should have confirmation by tomorrow. I have called her twice today. I will keep on her case for no more than a couple more days.

The other issue making things tricky is that I didn't want my daughter to be sectioned which is what I'm thinking would happen if I didn't take her in. That would somehow make the supported housing place look like they were not entirely at fault but I believe they helped provoke the bad behaviour. I intend to complain about them eventually. So far my daughter is calm but I know it is not a good idea for her to remain as I already tried many times and finally had to admit she needed to live somewhere with professional help. She has been in hospital three times already and each time I took her back to my home except the last time. However, here we are back at square one.

It's a shame the system is a game to be played rather than a straightforward assessment and provision of the appropriate care that is needed. This whole thing has been very draining and I've had to not go into work.

I appreciate the support I'm getting here.

[Hidden in reply to libertyvictory]

Hi libertyvictory.

I'm glad you feel that we are being of some help to you here. At least if all else fails you can 'offload' among friends and even have a good rant if you need to.

Don't even consider those people who might disapprove your decision to try once again with your daughter. It would indeed be a wonderful thing to have to walk that proverbial mile in the other man's shoes before making judgments.

So please talk about this to others, even if they give you the opposing view. No-one but no-one should, or can criticize you for being a loving, concerned parent and you should always say so.

But yes, stay determined to get this resolved. Because everything in life is so stretched now, that if you don't fight, you will be put on the back burner.

[Shirleyjill in reply to libertyvictory]

I feel sorry for you. My friend is going through the same thing as you. She's 74 years old and her daughter is 54 years old. Daughter had a little council flat to start with . She'd lived there for 16 years but wasn't copping , said she was hearing voices and hated the neighbours. I think the neighbours took advantage of her really. They all decided that she would be better if she moved and had a fresh start. So was moved into a bungalow. This is when she really started to go a bit hay wire. She would go shopping but only buy water nothing to eat but tones of water. She wasn't taken her medication and just sat in the chair always long ordering thousands of pounds worth of goods off the shopping channels she couldn't afford. In the end she was sectioned for her own good. My friend stood by her daughter and visited every day for 6 months before she was aloud back home again. She has stood by her daughter all her life and helped her out now I believe it my friends time she's 74 and needs a rest. She fells guilty she hasn't offered her a home but it would never have worked. I feel proud of my friend for what she's been though with her daughter for absolute years. I don't know how she's copped with it all. She's a marvellous lady. I certainly don't condem her for not having her to live with her. Others wouldn't condem you either but admire you for your devotion !!

[libertyvictory in reply to Shirleyjill]

Well done to your friend. It's not easy watching your child go through mental illness and feeling helpless. It's also difficult when you feel that child is eternally dependent on you well into adulthood. Thankfully there has been no major incident since my daughter has been back with me but we are still waiting for a confirmation date for her to move. All the best to you.

[Vonnieruth]

Hi have you phoned your daughter's social worker to see where she is upto There is usually a Emergancy out of hours number once the office is closed maybe try that You could also maybe ring out of hours gp request a visit he maybe able to give something to help calm her or worse sinario arrange admission to a ward

[libertyvictory in reply to Vonnieruth]

The out of hours man was useless. He told me it was my responsibility as the parent, even though she's 26. I am still chasing. Thanks.

[Vonnieruth in reply to libertyvictory]

What was his profession They all have a duty of care

[libertyvictory]

You would think so. Apparently he was in the Assessment team in the Mental Health Unit. I had problems with that team previously when my daughter was admitted to the hospital last year after she had severely deteriorated over a period of six months. Of course it was the social worker and psychiatrist who referred her then. Two days later I got a call from the team saying they wanted to send her home as there was nothing wrong! I seriously could not believe my ears. I eventually wrote a letter of complaint to the hospital and got a long apology. However, obviously nothing has changed. At present I am told my daughter is due an assessment which is being chased - as usual. Thanks.