I have just taken my husband to the hospital to see the dietician and she was concerned at the amount of weight he had put on and said we should contact his GP asap. I called in at the surgery to request his dr call him and was assured it would be almost immediately. Anyway we get home and wait in the end I called surgery to find his dr had said he is to come in tomorrow but the reception forgot to call. I managed to sort more time off work and then my husband gets really mad saying he didn’t want to see the dr as it isn’t with his dr and nobody told him it would be tomorrow and I wasn’t to use him to take time off work???!!!!!!???? I lost my temper all my annual leave has been to ferry him to appointments I am doing everything and working full time I am so upset by his attitude he said I had made the arrangement behind his back and dr that the appointment is with is useless. I could cry, all the times I begged him to stop drinking, all the times when he was drinking and got nasty, coming out of hospital to find him so ill that I organised getting him to dr and then to hospital himself and I feel it is all thrown back in my face.
Sorry but I needed to vent.
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Bs1524
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Bs1524, You've had a heck of a trying time with your husband's illness, your own health, your fitting in everything around doing your regular work, and dealing with The System of health care which isn't great on detail at all times. I hope that you manage to escape from thinking about any of these pains for a while, and take time to think about yourself until you feel comfortable again. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel a bit better. All I can think of is that this won't last forever, but please know I am thinking of you and sending you love xx
Hi, hope you don't get too stress out. If he is not listening, know that you have done your best to try to help. Hope you manage to calm down and get some rest. It will be a better day tomorrow. Jx
I have just cooked him a meal that he has barely touched telling me I make him sick as I should have asked him about the appointment tomorrow as he would have said he wanted to wait for the usual doctor. I pointed out that the one he has seen the most obviously wasn’t available and felt it important enough for him to go in ASAP. He knew I was calling them to see why no call back. He keeps saying the doctor he is down to see is useless, he used to see her last year and thought she was good but now feels she missed all the signs of liver disease. I am not sure if he realises how important it is to be checked out or how serious his condition is. He said what am I going to tell her I said the point is to be examined and possible have his meds tweaked or it may be we go back to hospital.
What should I do not have any interest in his health?
Oh Pam, it's relentless. Like l said before, you are doing all the right things for him, he is still refusing your help and that of the doctors and potentially now a dietician. The more you try to persuade him, the more he will dig his heals in and protest, which then becomes much more heated. Don't whatever you do put yourself in a position where he could become violent, just stay calm, dont argue, just say ok, your choice. You really do need to look after your own health mentally and physically 1st now. I know its hard when you love him and want to help him save himself, but his argumentative attitude is torturing you... so don't enter into any more arguments with him, just let him get on with it.
Use any leave you have for you, have a spa day with some friends ... pamper yourself. God knows you damn well deserve it darling.
Because you care. You're a diamond and he knows it, he feels he's not worthy of your love and devotion and all he can do is lash out at you.
He's ill, you're not well yourself, he's angry at the world and is unable to say what he's really feeling and thinking. I cant help thinking some kind of mediation might help you both but l fear he wouldnt agree to that either. Women in the main tend to find it much easier to get things off their chest than men do, who do themselves and their loved ones no favours by keeping their fears and problems bottled up inside. I know you have tried to get him to open up Pam but what a struggle. I just don't know what else to suggest.
There is nothing really is there, only he can do something about it. At least he has enough oomph to argue, which is something. How I did answer back when he said I was making him sick I so wanted to say no you did that. Naughty of me but....
There is one friend but I don’t want to embarrass him by getting her to speak to him. Right now I am so cross with him I feel like saying you deal with it then don’t leave it to me to make phone calls etc. He seemed to feel I was using him as an excuse to not go to work ! Right because by letting work down that will really help my position and it is such fun taking him to the doctors and hospital appointments.
I can’t add more than that already fed back to you except to add as well that it’s a terrible situation you are in - that HE himself has put you in. ☹️👎🏻. I truly hope he comes to his senses soon 🙏.
He took hims of off to bed without even saying goodnight. I don’t expect him to be grateful but I do wish he could see everything I do is out of concern for him.
Pam, I think you are showing incredible restraint. I know that my wife would have given me what’s what in no uncertain terms if I behaved like that. But of course I can’t say to be like that because what works in one relationship may well not work in another. And it doesn’t need me to tell you that!
It’s just that I both admire you and sympathise with you at the same time. He will get to the point where he will have absolutely no alternative but to be looked after unfortunately - probably in Hospital - unless he shakes himself out of this state.
Good luck and do try and get some sleep for your own well-being.
You I truly believe he has no idea how serious this is and everybody trots out how marvellous the liver is it regenerates. He thinks it is going to take some time but he will be well again.
Hi Pam. I'm sure that he does know it really. He's angry with himself and angry with the illness and taking it out on you because he knows that you love him and will put up with it. The old song 'You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all' is I think very true in this case. It's very unfair and hurtful for you and I hope that your friend can get through to him just how mean he is being to you. Maybe when it's spelt out to him by someone else he will see how nasty he has been and hopefully start to be more pleasant to you and be more grateful and reasonable over your help with his illness. Very much hope the situation improves for you both. Very best wishes. Alf
In my experience, even during a calm discussion about my husband's drinking, illness and behaviour, trying to point out the error of his ways, he had the ability to listen without hearing and his response was always "yes but....." There are no buts .... this is what you've done, this is the effect your actions are having on me and your kids, shape up or get out. I Put up with the crap for much longer than l should have because l loved him and felt l owed it to him but eventually l was so crushed by it all, l had to get him out of the house. It was the best thing l ever did for him. Because that was when he realised exactly what he was going to lose. Cruel to be kind if you will. Looking back maybe l should have kicked him out sooner, he would have seen the light sooner, got councelling sooner and maybe that would have saved his life. Think hard about a split Pam it could work for him and you. It may be the way to get back the man you fell in love with if that's what you want, before its too late for him too.
Hi there sorry you’re having a tough time. My partner happened to use every one of her holidays visiting and looking after me when I had my transplant in Birmingham. Travelling from north wales with some compassionate leave from her employers. So because I was off work for so long and gone back and still got all my annual leave plus bank holidays to the annoyance of my partner. To whom I say that I could to with a week or two in the sun knowing she can’t get the time off. But joking of course. So hope everything improves for you. Paul
Well it was good I made the appointment the doctor confirmed the ascites and the swollen legs, she was concerned that he hadn’t had a blood test since August so ordered on and he must go back on Friday. He tried to say he has been feeling ok didn’t mention the desperate runs to the loo and said we knew it would take a long time. The doctor said well yes but you need to be checked and we can’t ignore changes like this. I think that shit him up.
Looks like I will be taking time off on Friday now, oh well
Hi, so sorry to hear what you are going through, it is very selfish of him to throw all his frustrations out on you! I do hope he comes to realise that you are doing the very best you possibly can for him and beyond! I myself have chirrosis (not sure what stage), from alcohol abuse, but i always get so angry with myself and frustrated that i put myself in this predicament! My partner is a diamond, but if he mentions any alcohol issues with me, i do tend to kick off a little, so don't take any notice of him (hard i know), just let it go over your head and go into another room (if poss)! Easier said than done i know, but you have to think of your own health, mental or otherwise!
Also, i tend to get very defensive when alcohol is mentioned, as i know that it is nobody's fault but my own and cannot believe that i was stupid enough to get myself in this state where it can no longer be reversed!😖! It seems that your husband is taking his own anger and frustrations out on you!!
Try to keep your chin up and tell yourself "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT"!!
Thank you for your supportive message. He was telling me in the car to the doctor that he needed a break from all this (I assume he meant anything medical) and I should understand that. He doesn’t want to see that for now it is all things medical x
Hi
I can't really add much to what has already been said but just wanted you to know you have got the patience of a St!! Hopefully now the Dr has told him he needed the blood tests, he maybe just maybe listen to you. Lots of love, hugs and prayers are being sent your way. Lynne xxxx
Aww thanks Lynne he actually turned round tonight and said that today had been productive I bit my tongue. I think what shocked him was when he brought up his knee replacement and the doctor said that a new knee is very low down the list of priorities. Hopefully he will listen in the futurpam x
Hi there, it's important to look after your self as well, I've done the same in the past, working then hospital visits and running around, it wore me out. Mentally and physically. Only so much 1 person can do.
I hope you get some time to your self to have down time it's really important.
I really do hope so. You can pm me whenever you need to vent or anything else. Love and hugs Lynne xxxx
My sympathies are with you bs1524...
is your husband incapable of making a phone call to sort out his own doctor appointments? Sometimes the more you do the less you are appreciated?
Why not try letting your husband do a little more for himself? Just a suggestion?
I know what you mean but on this occasion the dietician said we must contact his GP so we stopped on way back then spoke on the phone. Since his diagnosis he will not answer the phone unless it is his father or myself. I don’t think he would bother because I think he is hiding from his illness.
I am a tad confused. (Not difficult I know). Who wouldn’t answer his phone - His doctor? You were with your husband in the car coming back from the Hospital as I have tried to understand it.... Please help!!
Sorry typing on iPad I stopped at surgery to request the doctor call us to discuss management of the ascites and swelling in his legs. Since he became ill he never answers the phone dont know why. So if the doctor had called it would be me that answered it. As it was I had to call them to discover the receptionist had forgotten to call us to say he wanted him in the next day.
Bless you 🥰🤗🤗 I can totally see where your coming from - ‘patients’ or husbands/wives etc become so like ‘patients’ - I am a RN and hubby poorly and he is my patient - because his demands are not that of a husband - they are like a patient - does that make sense ???? We would previously call it ‘institutionalised’ because some become so reliant upon care they expect it and act selfish and stop saying thank you etc - are you in the uk ??? Have you thought or heard about carers leave ??? I have briefly looked at it before when I was working earlier this year and my grasp on it was ‘you were permitted as a carer to take time off to attend appointments etc with spouse/child etc’ without it being denied or affecting annual leave/Bradford score - I guess it was to stop carers being penalised for doing the ‘other’ job they do - I would guess that this is unpaid but not 100%
I know how hard it can be 🤗 I never took any of this advice and I am suffering for it now 😢 but take time out for you - have that coffee date with a friend - take up any offer of help - use all services available to you - it doesn’t mean your not ‘caring’ it means your being sensible and getting a balance - I thought I could do it all myself and my mental health has suffered and the drs question PTSD - as the traumas you can endure whilst looking after a loved one can be the worst thing you will ever deal with !!!! So take time to rant and look into everything around your area for carers and try them - even if it’s for an hour a week and also don’t work to hard - it’s too much working hard all day and coming home to work hard again 😢 I wish you all the best and send hugs 🤗 if ever you want to have a good rant (I allow swearing 🤣) then call on me - best wishes xxx
I am not sure if I should be concerned but his GP has called and left a message saying that if he feels unwell just come into the surgery today???? He has felt unwell since beginning of the year I think they have realised they haven’t been right by him. The last time he saw the GP he was not examined , weighed or had bloods done.
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