Anyone whos husband/wife/friend whos denial causes you to question if you heared the dr right?

Weired question i know, but as some are aware because i have put on here about my husband that he was diagnosed with decompensated liver last week,and he is saying his liver isnt too bad and saying the dr didnt say he had it , he just explained about what the difference was between compensated and decompensated liver. So now im doubting if the dr said he did have it or was just explaining it,,I remember the dr at the end just saying to my husband all i can give you is water tablets to take the swelling down and im like a broken record and you know what you have to do but we need you to stop the drinking and eat more,He hasnt stopped his drinking, he is still drinking almost a ltr of vodka a day with one or two beers. His legs/feet are swollen and he is in alot of pain with his feet when walking/standing and when he is in bed they ache. He is vomiiting most days and will eat twice a week if im lucky, usually a quarter of tin of tomatoe soup or egg on toast. and then he is sick a few hours later,His he has lost alot of weight and he has no arm or leg muscles but his face looks round.His chest is weezing (he doesnt have asthma) and has a terrible cough now and sometimes he is coughing so much he cant catch his breath, this starts from the time he gets up and lasts for about 3 hours.I want to start organising for our 1st wedding annivesary in june 2017 but my daughter said mum i dont think thats a good idea i cant see him even lasting to christmas this year. Everyone is saying they arent buying him anything for christmas until 24th dec because they dont think he ill be here.He does seem to have gone down hill in the last three four weeks but im thinking its all in my imagination...Anyone have this experience of doubt or family and loved ones commenting about either you or your loved one lasting past 4 months ? Thankyou for reading this.:)...

18 Replies

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  • YOU POOR THING. He sounds like he's in denial. I think you should ask to see the Dr again. Was this just a normal GP or a liver specialist ? If a GP then ask for a refferal.

    Good Luck.xx

  • Hi h0b0 for your reply,,Yes he is indenial....It was his gp ,He wont go back to his gp and i dont think they will refer him until he says is going to give up the booze, he has been seeing them for 25 yrs because of his drinking so i guess they know him..Thanyou once again.:)

  • In our thoughts.xx

  • ty,,:)

  • Hubby lied about how bad his liver was for years before he was admitted with a urine infection and everything was shutting down. Addicts are excellent manipulators and can't be trusted when it comes to the power of the booze. The only way an addicted will stop drinking is if he wants to. Alcoholism is an awful disease

    From what you said previously his liver is definitely decompensated. This sounds harsh but he will die and it's not a pleasant way to go either. I've seen it happen to other people on wards and it's horrific. I would hate for anyone else to see it.

    It must be heartbreaking to see him like that however you need to think of yourself. Be there for him but don't let him control your life.

    The only thing you can do is call an ambulance if he is very ill but they will probably stabilise him and send him home.

    My heart breaks for you. It truly does and you've done the best you can.

    I count myself as lucky I have my husband back and he's been sober for a year. It's too late for his liver though.

    Please take care off yourself and spend time with good supportive people.

    Xx

  • Hi poppy thankyou for your reply , it is sad to see a loved one on self distruction . I guess I know he is going to die I guess it's a matter of how long . He doesn't want to stop other wise I think he would have started when his legs started to get painful . It's been a few weeks now him being in pain everyday and he keeps saying when it gets better I'll do so and so I have tried telling him they won't get better but he says how do you know you aren't my doctor so I keep hush now . He won't go to the hospital anymore and if he did it would be a waist he's in there for a few hours feels better then leaves . Thankyou you and everyone here is so supportive and I truly an greatful as it's a lonely place at the moment . I can't even tell his parents how I'll he is because they are of bad health and it will make things worse for them so don't want that worry on them. They know he is ill but don't know how I'll. when we go out with his dad it's sad to se that it looks the other way around . People think he is the dad and his dad is his son . Love and hugs to everyone going through one thing or another on this forum xx

  • Typical addict response 'I will stop when I feel better'. Sounds like the illness has a firm grip on him.

    Liver disease is very unpredictable and that's what makes it so horrible to live with.

    I know you may feel bad about his parents and telling them bit i think you should get together as a family and tell them. You don't need to carry this alone. You are NOT responsible for him, his actions and other people's reactions to it.

    Take it from me I did hide the truth from friends and family. The only person that hurt was me in the long run. Try and take a break for a night away from him and everything. Look after yourself. Remember his relationship is with alcohol now.

    Sending lots of hugs and thinking of you.

    Xx

  • Thankyou poppy,,,His dad was nagging yesterday for over 2 hours about him eating and drinking, commenting on his skinny he looks and how his legs used to be thicker than they are, and about how he is walking, and all he kept saying was i am eating, i have cut down but he still nagged him, when we got home he said my dad doesnt know what he is talking about ,i said he does and we rowed and he accused me of taking his parents side, accusing me of not loving him and why did i marry him if i hated him so much,He refuses to see or speak to his dad anymore , he did say he would order a pizza later but never did. Hes so weak, i dont know how he is still going. It makes it harder i guess because my mum was an alcoholic and even though she stopped drinking 10 years before she died the damage was already done and we didnt know until she has passed away that she had had liver cancer. My nephew died when he was 18 months old of liver failure, so its hard watching my husband going down the same path. I would spend the night away from him but he gets paranoid and already thinks im seeing someone else. Its does help alot me coming on here and being able to talk to you guys. I do it when he is sleeping and i put the headphones on listen to music and spend time on here,its my way of escaping...

  • I am sorry to hear how hard things are. Compensated patients are still strong. Call your doctor and ask them to look at his chart. I think it will say decompensated. Denial is the hardest thing you and your children are facing. Few things are stronger than the denial of an alcoholic. I think the hardest thing I hear in your post for help from us here is that you have to live with him and watch him drink then look and feel like death. His being ill from the drinking sounds so painful. Maybe the family will sit with him and tell him how they feel. Their anger and quitting on him is understandable. Can all of you seek family counseling? Can you tell the doctor the bind he has all of you in and that you need emotional support. I am so sorry.

  • awe ty catfish for such kind words...He is in alot of pain with it,mostly his legs.I am going to make an appointment with his gp and ask them to explain a few things to me without him being there( i know they cant tell me everything but they know i know most things about him anyway), His children arent mine, we both have children from previous marriages. My children wont get involved because they dont understand why he just cant give up, and he has two children , he has told them both that he is ill , the one just said well dad we are here if you need us and the other one asked when was he going to die?(she has mental problems and cant comprehend anything, she is a drinker like her dad,like his grandfather like his great grandfather. he said i dont know and no more was said...My nurse is sorting out someone for me to meet and talk to about it all...I love coming on here and getting the support from you guys as i know you all know what you are talking about, so id like to thankyou from the bottom of my heart...

  • You are being a great caretaker. He is lucky. Best wishes. I hope your talk with the doctor is very helpful.

  • ty catfish

  • I really feel for you,my ex husband is an alcoholic and I am still trying to help him,but am on the verge of giving up. He has lost his job and his home and now lives in a caravan. He says he wants to die and hopes he goes before his beloved dog,his one and only friend.

    I tried for years to help him quit his addiction but I think he will drink himself to death,he is only 36 and is drunk more or less constantly.

    I know your situation is different and it must be so hard for you to live with this every day. Have you got any support from friends or family ? I hope that your husband can see what he is doing to you,but in my experience the addiction is so strong that they can think of nothing but their next drink.I really hope you or someone can give him the wake up call he needs,if it's not too late. Keep in touch

    Xx

  • Ty guinea pig,,,Im sorry about your ex and what he has said to you,its not nice, i dont think he wants to die ,he just wants to escape what has the hold on him..I wouldnt give up on him, as hard as it is i wouldnt give up on him, just be there for him. I mentioned about my mum, even though she had family around her (i wasnt there for years for her because she was very selfish and we hadnt spoken for many years before she died , my one regret was giving up on her and not seeing her for all those years before she died and i heared through a phone call so we never made up she died thinking i hated her.My situation is different only in the fact i am still with him but you were married to him, the love must stil be there or you wouldnt be there for him,:0.. No i dont have any support off family and freinds, if ever i meet them for coffee or they come here they only judge him and just give him dirty looks the whole time. I agree they do think of the next drink rather than how its affecting you, he was moaning about his legs yesterday and how he is sick all the time and i will never understand how that feels, and i said i may not know how it feels to have painful legs or sickness nearly every day but one thing i do know and thats what its like to have little sleep,what its like to watch someone i love hitting the self distruction button every day, watch someone who is only 48 walk like a man in his 90s and thats one thing you will never experience, then he had a go at me and accused me of not knowing what im talking about and if he is so bad then why dont i just leave.its not worth the heartache, the other thing is his freind died of the same thing two years ago and alot of thier freinds /his family slagged his wife off and gave her a hard time because she had left him , then got back with him and then left him and then got back and they blamed her for him drinking so much and causing him heartache, i dont want that because where i live its only a small town, one of those everyone knows everyone kinda thing. He did have a wake up call a few months ago where he had been sick for three weeks every day in the end he was bringing up blood,each time i said im ringing an ambulnace and he kept saying no i wont let them check me over, so i never did because i just thought the emergencies would be better off going to someone that would want the help,anyway he eventually said can you ring the ambulance, i think im going to die, so i rang them, all the way to the hospital he kept saying please tell my kids this ,my parents this, he really thought he was dieing, he spent 5 days in hospital and within a day he felt better and was nagging for them to let him home, nothings changed.Part of me thinks he is going to get better but deep down i know the reality of it is he is going to die an alcoholic and i have been looking for songs for his funeral, thinking how his funneral is going to be,setting up a place simular to this but where people can come and talk face to face with someone over a coffee and busicuit. I have all this going around in my head so i guess that helps.love and hugs..

  • You know I had the same thought about an informal face to face group thing. I know there are some based around the hospitals where they have the liver units but I was thinking something less formal, and not in a hospital setting. Only problem I think would be location, I have no idea if there would be enough people nearby who would be interested, and I expect travel would be very difficult for a lot of people. Social media is great for this but you do loose all the non verbal communication and misunderstandings are all too easy online as some posts on this forum have shown.

    I am in the South East so you never know I might give it a go one of these days if I get time, although I have no experience of doing anything like that. It does sound like a nice idea though. Let me know if you take it any further.

  • This is the worst thing a loved one can do to their family and themselves. And the end is by far the worst, filled with so many feelings and emotions, I'm having trouble processing it myself. As my dad is dying and I don't know what to do and I am so alone. There is no one to help. I work full time and am currently debating a leave of absence (FMLA) because I cannot simply do everything that needs to be done at work, with him, and with my own life. As I write this I am sick myself - no surprise because of how worn I am. I love my dad sooooo much but he is going to die, it's just a matter of when. Since his last drink June 1, it has been nothing but hospitals stays, doctors appointments, one complication after the next, and watching him die -literally. Deteriorate into nothing. It is such a slow death-how horrible it must be for him and I know it is for me. It's so slow. (I know this isn't always the case but with him it is). I wish I had some advice for you and I wish I could tell you to leave him - everyone told me to do that with my dad- but I never had and I won't. Keep us posted. And I will do the same.

  • sending you hugs, i know how exuasting it is for you no wander you arent well youself, ive been asked many a time how do you cope? how are you so strong? i tell them, i cope because i have to, im not strong , i may seem strong on the outside but im crumbling on the inside...but they always say oh i wouldnt be able to cope and you must be strong or you wouldnt stay.but they would..Im so sorry you have to watch your dad go through this,,,he hasnt had a drink since june ?and its been nothing but hell for him and you.

    I would never leave him, i love him too much, only been married 3 months, if anything apart from my wish being that he would get better is making it to christmas so we can celebrate our first christmas as Mr and Mrs...Im so glad you havent left your dad, He will appreciate you being there for him.I will keep you posted and yes please do the same.:).

    Its such a cruel illness and addiction..i used to drink alot when i spilt from my first husband after 28 yrs married and even after going out with my husband now but i gave up the drink a year ago when i started seeing what its done to my husband, i wasnt addicted thank goodness but it could have ended up that way. For those going through the sickness keep fighting, for those watching loved ones go through this terrible addiction and sickness stay strong and for those who have come through thank you for helping and encouraging those who need it...

  • Been up most of the night with hubby being sick most of the evening and through the night, his chest is bad very chesty sounding and bringing up loads of flemb and he refuses to go to the hospital, says he will see his doc in the morning.Makes me so mad when most men are so stuborn about going to the hospital,getting the help.Im sure he will end up in the hospital anyway so why not go now? Worst part about it if they do get him in he will stay for a few days feel better and then go home. ha ha im sure someone up there must really hate me..