Why quick changes

[Foxman555]

I felt fantastic this morning, then I found my partner smoking, we both agreed to stop our addictions, but she's just carried on, I really feel like saying stuff it, and go out drinking.

[Hidden]

Hi Jeff, one of the things about dealing with an addiction, is that in order to quit, YOU need to really want to. It's no good say, "I'll give up smoking, if you give up drinking". You have to do it because you want to. It has to be their choice and their decision.

I can understand how you must feel though, you must feel totally let down.

Please don't give up. I'd like to think your stronger then this. Over the past few weeks you've joined in and listened to a lot of advice from people on here and hopefully have now learn't a lot about the liver and the affects of alcohol on it. Please don't go and turn your back on this. Remember, it's not going to be the 6th, 7th or 8th drink that's going to do the damage. It's going to be the first one. As for your partner, we'll she's got her own set of problems and hopefully you both can sort though this together. I guess your partner has been there for you and helping you with your battle with booze.

Just put this cigarette down to being a setback and try to be supportive. Please don't throw in the towel over a cigarette.

Hang on in there Jeff.

[Foxman555 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Richard it was wrong for me to say that I was going to drink as a tit for tat reason, it's not really simple, my partner had cancer she also had a stem cell transplant, this has left her with damage around her body, but mainly in her lungs, she has copd, so likewise every time I drink and she smokes is another nail in the coffin, I am strong enough not to drink, but I cannot believe the pure hypocrisy of her actions, I hope that makes a little sense.

Best wishes Jeff

[Fastkat]

Richards right

Remember it can only be you who decides to stay sober.

You may need counselling to get all the reasons you need to stay sober clearly in your head but ultimately it’s just you and that first drink.

Are you on any of the alcohol related forums as the majority on here are not alcoholics and so their advice will be limited

As I’ve said before good luck with the struggle and all I can promise you is it gets easier

Andy

[Hidden]

Don't you dare ..... you have done so well been so positive and upbeat don't let anything stand in the way of you continuing your sobriety. I'm so proud of you and your posts please hang on in there. You are strong enough to beat this even if your partner isn't ( yet)

YOU DO NOT NEED A DRINK..... Go for a walk instead x

[Foxman555]

Hi Laura, haven't had a drink, but it's a cold atmosphere, why try to hide an addiction when all I used to do was exactly the same, you can't kid a kidder, I've been told mine is worse hmm it ain't a competition.

Jeff

[Smyally]

Jeff. You must have felt really let down this morning, but I’m really glad you didn’t give in to that urge to have a drink because you are better than that. If it was just one ciggie don’t be too hard on her. Everyone makes mistakes. Carry on setting a good example and feel proud of yourself.

[Foxman555 in reply to Smyally]

Hi, it's just I'm making all the effort, I really wanted to drink a couple of bottles of wine, but just tried to see it through those tempting minutes/hours, she won't even admit she is doing anything wrong, it's like a game to her, but not me, how are you today

[Hidden]

Jeff, try and look at this in a positive light and tell yourself that everything that happened when you were drinking is now all in the past. That was then, and this is now. You've drawn a line in the sand and have moved on. I hope your partner can take a leaf out of your book. It would be so good if she could say to herself, "Well if Jeff can kick a habit, then so can I".

Have a quiet talk, and maybe a cuddle. I think you both need some reassurance as it sounds like you both really do need each other. Oh, and never go to bed on a argument or a sour note.

Good Luck.

[Foxman555 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Richard, seems like any reassurance is melting away, she isn't talking, doesn't want me to cook her anything, why does it seem when I'm lapsing everything is like a world war, but when I confront her about the most ridiculous thing she can do, she puts barriers up, changes the subject onto my out of control drinking, which by the way is into it's first month (small steps), there is no reasoning with her, normally I would just go and drink for a few days, but this isn't going to happen, there seems very little support for me, not that I need it, people on here are so amazing and helpful, even though I won't ever meet any of you, your support over the short time I've been here is overwhelming, thanks Richard and to all of you

Best wishes Jeff

[Hidden]

All I can say is ditto to all the advice above. It does sound like she's playing mind games with you. Urgh do you need it? It's a struggle enough without throwing that into the mix. But yes we are all here to support you. You will beat this stay strong💪😆

[Foxman555 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Laura, I'm determined not to give in, if I do it will possibly kill me, and I think I'm better than that, a few months ago I would be waking up with a hangover, but I'm clear headed, nothing will stop me on the road to sobriety, thanks again your a rock, hope you're ok.

Jeff

[Smyally in reply to Foxman555]

That’s really good to hear x

[Hidden]

Ah that's so good to hear well done you're a star!! Yes I'm fine. All is well in my world thankyou

[vickyvickykk]

I had the same with my mom, 29 years back, we had a deal, I will lose the 40kg I was overweight and she will stop smoking. I lost all the weight, my mom only stopped smoking a year before her death from Lung cancer. That's the thing with addiction, if you do it for any other reason than yourself you will not quit. Look how great your day is with not drinking, focus on that, and the fact that you owe yourself a chance to stay on this earth as long as you can. We make choices every day, choose yourself and not the drink. Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

[Foxman555 in reply to vickyvickykk]

Thanks Vicky, I just find it so hypocritical that I stop, but she continues, it's not right for a relationship, I don't want it to continue, that means moving on, haven't got a clue where to, but I'll see it as an adventure.

[Hidden]

You have done so well, you should be really proud of yourself. Keep going in the right direction and you will get there. Lynne

[Hidden]

I have heard that if a couple are both fighting their own addictions it will only work if they are apart. Maybe it's just a temporary break you need until you are both free of them. But again I would say don't be rushing into something else and putting yourself under more pressure. Relax look at the whole picture and then decide what's best for you that way you will make the right decision not a hasty escape and possible big mistake. Whatever you decide I wish you well as always.

[Foxman555 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Laura, it seems the only way, I'm just being dragged down, and if it continues I'll probably just fall into a trap, and a massive setback

[Hidden]

I understand totally. How old are uou by the way ?

[Foxman555]

I'm 56, but at this moment being treated as a child, she accepts no responsibility for her smoking, has been told by her consultant she will die, and yet I've been alcohol free for 4 weeks now (small steps) it would make you laugh or cry, but I have to concentrate on me for once.

[Cat-B]

Alcohol is very hard to control, Ihave endstage ALD and I still crave a drink after 10 month dry! Yesterday it was because the sun was shining and I wanted to sit outside with a glass of wine! But it can be raining or a bath or just because my brain says 1 won’t hurt! My liver consultant told me 1 drink could kill me but the gremlin on my shoulder is always saying 1will be fine! So it’s not easy and it’s a hourly/daily battle! Good luck just keep slogging away x

[Foxman555 in reply to Cat-B]

Please you carry on your good work, you are an amazing person, because it ain't easy, but you are trying, and yes every single day I think well today is great a couple won't hurt me, it's not the first as you know.

Best wishes Jeff x

[fluffylottie]

Hi Foxman555, i just wanted to say a huge well done to you for managing to be alcohol free for almost a month. That's fantastic in itself, as is being honest and turning to this forum when you feel the need to drink. It obviously helps as a distraction, a reminder that you will only let youself down.

I was hospitalised in October with decompensated liver & cirrhosis due to drink (i turned 40 in hospital). I suppose i was a functioning alcoholic going through a couple of bottles of wine a day). Being told i would likely die 'in that hospital bed' was a shocker. On Monday it will be 6 months alcohol free and it really has been, as you say, small steps. Each day there's something - boredom, stress, sunshine(!), or just fancy a few wines to relax- it has yet to be far off my mind but it does get easier.

Her smoking is her issue and you can't control that, but you're doing brilliant. A few weeks might not seem much for some people but it is a triumph for us. I suppose, poetically speaking, we need to lose the crutch to learn to walk again.

Keep your chin up

Charlotte x

[Foxman555 in reply to fluffylottie]

Thanks Charlotte, it's people like you who give me the determination, and I have a decompensated liver.

Thanks and best wishes

Jeff x

[Nyork10]

I think the same as Charlottes post above - you have done amazingly well to be alcohol free for a month, its difficult when we are thrown huge challenges when the usual way to cope was to have something to drink - when you don't reach for alcohol and deal with everything thats thrown at you with sobriety it feels fantastic and you will be so proud of yourself. I think its clear your partner is in complete denial and she isn't anywhere near to where you are now - she's trying to turn it around to your issues with alcohol but you're the one thats tackling them admirably.

Your partners addiction is clearly very severe - most people would stop anything immediately if they were told one more was likely to kill them. Keep up the extremely good work and whilst be as supportive as you can to your partner focus on you getting better - you've already made the biggest step.

[Foxman555 in reply to Nyork10]

Thank you so much, this is really my truly first determined effort to stop, before it would stop for a month and then off we go again, the ever spiralling downwards to abusing alcohol, collapsing all the time, walking out of hospital and continuing to drink, it's just hell, my partner will never stop, she loves her grandchildren to bits, but even me saying you won't grow up to see them does nothing !!! She just changes the subject to me and my problem, but it's not working because I'm doing it and she ain't, so I reckon time apart would be best.

Regards Jeff x

[Nyork10 in reply to Foxman555]

You would think the thought of not seeing your grandchildren grow up and knowing that you have an opportunity to stop that would be enough for her. Clearly she is severely addicted/dependant on cigarettes and needs professional clinical help instead of trying to make this about you. I hope that she gets the help she so clearly needs and you continue to get stronger and healthier every day. I notice you said your liver was decompensated - I was admitted to hospital just before my 36th birthday, I was drinking way more than I should to cope with stress I knew it was wrong but didn't think I'd end up with cirrhosis - I was admitted to hospital with a decompensated liver and portal vein thrombosis- my parents were told to expect the worst scenario that night. 18 months down the line I haven't touched alcohol and my liver is now compensated (which my consultant and myself were over the moon with). Life is completely different but in a good way and I've learnt not to allow anything to get me to that level of stress again. In hospital I saw 2 people die from alcohol abuse and I was beside two women who were sneaking vodka in - one had been in ICU the previous week close to death and she was almost bragging about it. They both looked horrendous and way beyond their years - if in my lifetime I am ever tempted to even think of having alcohol I have the images of those 2 women in my head - there were 2 clear paths in hospital and I'm proud of the path I chose - its not easy but you sound determined and believe in yourself you can do it - you've got the rest of your life to live and most importantly enjoy x

[Hidden in reply to Foxman555]

Jeff has she not switched to e- cigarettes? It's just a quick question only requiring a yes/no answer as I don't want you to get bogged down with her addiction too. You concentrate on you!

[Beauport]

Hi Foxman - I do so understand how you feel. I was married for many years to a gambling addict, who was in absolute denial. I used to tell him just because my alcohol addiction shows and your gambling addiction doesn't, that doesn't mean you don't need to do something about it. But of course it fell on deaf ears.

I too was a heavy smoker (40 plus a day). Often smoking and drinking go hand in hand. I have to say that for me giving up smoking was MUCH harder than giving up the booze. I've heard it said that it's harder to come off cigarettes than it is heroin! But as others have said previously in this post the addict has to want to stop - no amount of pressure from you will help.

One last thing, do guard against her continuing habit becoming an "excuse" for you to drink again. It's very early days for you and triggers will pop up all over the place.

You're doing great - keep going my friend. Life is good and I so want you to experience much, much more of it. xx

[Foxman555 in reply to Beauport]

Thanks sweet, every time I get a reply which is positive means what I'm doing right, good luck and yes my grandchildren are such a motivation, hope you are good Jeff xx

[Foxman555 in reply to Foxman555]

Tobacco is the most addictive thing that your body can't take, you go lady, hope your future is as bright as your message x

[Beauport in reply to Foxman555]

👍👍