Dead end !

Hello, I've just joined this forum today as I feel at my wits end . My husband has been a very heavy drinker for as long as I've known him - cleverly hidden for the longest time - but probably thirty years or so . He drinks a bottle of wine and at least half a bottle of scotch every night and I can see the change in his health now , he actually looks drunk most nights , he's increasingly sick after meals , he has an alcohol related heart condition and has been warned for at least ten years to stop drinking ! The thing is , he won't talk about it - at all - it's a no go area , we have no social life anymore and honestly I've had it - anybody else coping with this - what did you do ??

Thank you so much x

19 Replies

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  • Sorry to hear this

    Unfortunately only you can make a decision on this.

    Everybody reacts differently.

    I personally got to the end of my tether and knew I had to make a decision on what I wanted for the rest of my life.

    You can expect support from this group on whatever you decide to do about your future.

    But unfortunately as I said only you can decide.

    Perhaps you should talk over your options with a counsillor.

    Good luck

  • Yes you're right , my doctor has been marvellous and put me onto antidepressants last summer as I had a bit of a low time ( thinking about my future ) . I just wondered if anyone had similar stories and if anything worked for them .

  • Yes I had your experience, my father, my husband, myself. At 65 my father was so ill he was put in the hospital. He was swollen, his skin color was blue, his ankles were huge, he could barely walk. He was signed into detox by a family member so he dried out and never drank again. At 80 he died of liver cancer. He was a great man, a highly successful man, gave his time to others in terms of community work, he was admired and respected. By 65 he lost all of it but in his last sober years got his good name back. My husband was much respected in academia but I had to leave my town, my house, my dog, my car, everything! I had to walk out, he would not listen to me telling him that alcoholics who do not quit boozing before age 50 lose everything and I mean everything. I moved found out I had hep c, did a treatment for a year which required my giving up drinking. It was was hard for a year on injections of interferon and ribavarin that I never wanted to drink again. That was early 50's. At age 65 I am dying of liver cancer and its now masticated into my lungs. But I have known soberity for over a decade and love it. I went from being an alcoholic, very successful one as I was a professional photographer to being a sober cyclist and fighting to stay alive.

    Take your life seriously. Men do not admit to being weak boozers with a major health issue, they do what your husband is doing. I had to start over again at age 50 something. Find yourself a social life. If you must and can leave him out of it. What you are going thru is normal, you do not need to hide it or feel shame. Some people will choose to walk out and save themself and others will stay till the bitter in and be crippled by what they lived thru.

    Thats long but a small bit of my story but I hope it helps. I do not want to come off sounding like a know it all or pushy. But I read your story and felt it was my responsibility to share my experience. I hope it helps. I hope you can be happy again.

    Catfishjumpin

  • Its not easy but I am adjusting to all my new limitations. I am quite unhappy not to be on the highway on my road bike nor in the woods on my mountain bike but I still believe I will find a way to rise up and do it again. Right now my mind is heavily burdened knowing I have two major organ cancer, same cancer, liver but in two organs. I guess it could hit another organ as liver cancer can move next into the brain and it often gets into our bones. This is all a ride I won't escape making! One day at a time. Thank you for checking in on me. Hope you are doing well. Aloha

  • Hi, good to hear from you and I really hope you manage to get out on your bike soon , I'm sure you will find a way , much love ✨✨✨✨✨

  • 👍💕

  • Crumbs , that is quite a story . My father was an alcoholic ( and a bully into the bargain ) , he died at age 52 , my husband had also been quite abusive over the years . Oddly enough he seems to be quietening down but I think he feels quite unwell . I'm also in my fifties and I'm thinking about how my life is going to end up , it probably sounds selfish but I don't want to end up living no life with a drunk . We rarely go out as he just wants to stay in and drink, I have a nice job ( don't earn much though ) with lovely people and curiously I look forward to going to work more than coming home . I'm in a pickle I know , I think there are some difficult times ahead and to speak to other people in similar situations will help hopefully . Thank you xx

  • Are you in the UK Samosaqueen? Sadly we get lots of ladies and gents coming on here who's partner is on a path to self-destruct through alcohol. Only a couple of weeks ago we had a lady called Lyn (although she's deleted her account her story is still about), she too was struggling with a drinking husband who was either unable to / or unwilling to see where his drinking was taking. Sadly she hadn't found a support mechanism and her own life seemed very sad.

    Have you ever thought of contacting Al-Anon? They run support groups for families and loved ones of problem drinkers and they can advise on strategies for looking after yourself and supporting your partner. They have a website at:- al-anonuk.org.uk/

    I can't offer personal advise, my hubby's illness isn't alcohol related.

    All the best, Katie

  • Thank you Katie , yes , I'm in the U.K. , the new friends that I have made in my job are so supportive but people don't always want to hear my worries !! Generally I think that like minded people ( like yourselves ) don't get tired of helping and being supportive . Plus , you all know what's going on . My doctor has been so helpful and he has suggested a support group , I don't quite know why I'm shying away from that .

    I'm in a place now where I've pretty much given up trying to help - I'm now considering just getting out . Sad but true .

  • Only your hubby can make the changes and choices which will improve his life and if he is unwilling or unable to do that then you do have to look after yourself & if that's a clean break or a bit of tough love then there is only you who can make that choice too. Al-anon might help and feel free to vent on here, as you've seen we are a welcoming and supportive bunch. Great that you have the outlet of support at work too.

    Good luck to you.

    Katie x

  • Thank you Katie xx

  • Yeah. What Katie said. Wholeheartedly.

  • Hello and welcome , I think Katie has said it all , try Al- anon , look after yourself and keep in touch x

  • So sorry to hear you are going through this. I wish I had answers. What I really wish is that I could show people what my father went through the last 5 mos of his life (he passed this past oct) from ESLD/cirrhosis. It can be a very debilitating, emotional, sad, depressing, and painful decline. It was awful. I'm not telling you this to scare you, I know you prob have heard this before. I just wish your husband could know just how bad it can be/get. My sisters and I did everything and more to try to get him to get help over the many many years this went on (16-17 years) but NO ONE could make him help himself. I hope your husbands story ends better. For you and for him. My dad regretted a lot in the end, but unfortunately it was too late. He was warned sooooooooo many times what would happen.

  • I don't understand why people don't make the changes to their lives when their wellbeing is so compromised. I've given up smoking in the past but for me it was easy , I just really wanted to do it - I think that's the thing , I'm angry because he just doesn't have the inner strength that I want him to have . Every one is different but his quality of life ( and of course mine ) is deteriorating because he refuses to see the truth of his drinking habits .

    Sorry , feel a bit angry today , this is a difficult time of year as I know he's thinking of all the alcohol he can consume in the coming weeks .

    Every now and again he'll say - I'm giving it up on Monday , or I'm cutting out whisky - but it only ever lasts for a few days !

    Gawd - what a moan !!

  • I think the problem lies in the fact this is a very strong addiction that has hold of him, it's both a physical and mental force that means the bottle outweighs everything else in life. It might be that he is both unwilling or unable (unable is the most likely) to be able to break the cycle. Us non-addicts will never understand the pull that the drink or drugs have on an addict and no matter what we do we are powerless to intervene - some manage to admit their issues and then stop but as many have said on here previously, it is the staying stopped that is the daily battle.

    It must be hellish seeing someone you love on the path to self-destruct and no amount of your support, love, shouting, screaming or upset making one iota of difference but this is the power of the addiction and I really fell for anyone in your boat but what can you do? That's the million dollar question, Al-anon might give you some guidance BUT do look after yourself too.

    He might never get the insight into the slippery path he's on but around the forum you'll find others who have reached that point and had to do/are still doing the hard miles in tackling their habit & have turned around their lives.

    Love and strength to you, go ahead and rant away, it's good to type out your frustrations and at least you know there are folks listening if sadly unable to reach in there and sort things out for you.

    Katie xx

  • Thanks Katie , I sound like a right moaning Minnie even in my head . I've been thinking about leaving for so long that's it's just part of who I am now . For me , I'm aware that I'm getting older and I'm scared that this is my life !

    My husband's brothers are all alcoholics and so the pull of alcohol must be hard - in fact his brother actually gave up alcohol a few years ago but became addicted to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and went every night for about 4 months - he's drinking again now ..

    It might be easier if he hadn't been so controlling and difficult over the years as I would probably love him more and want to help him more rather than escape - my head is a big ball of contradictory nonsense - phew

  • Thanks guys , going to ask a new question rather than tag onto this one !

  • Hey.. im in the same position.. i use to talk to Lyn as mentioned by someone above but she has deleted her account.

    Please feel free to message me.x

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