Frustrated and powerless

hi all,just writing this message regarding a friend of mine,Amy is an alcoholic,whom I have been trying to help get her Detoxed ,serial relapser ,got a phone call from her friend telling me she is hospital jaundiced,went to see her ,jaundiced,ascites,bringing up blood from both ends,was there when doctors came round and they said she has alcohol hepatitis and probably cirrhosis and was told if drinks again she will die,the next day gets transferred to the liver unit at. St Marys Paddington,discharges herself,complaining about not enough Librium.rings Me and said I'm going home to drink,didn't make her flat last time I heard she was in Paddington police station,no more news phone dead,she has no family I'm down as next of kin at at alcohol centre but won't divulge any thing to me,worried sick but I've got my health issues and my emotional sobriety is not good,any ideas how to trace her,but apart if me wants to step away and let her get on with her journey,sorry its so long,keep strong all,all the best tony,,Ps Kimberley my heart goes out to you ,keep fighting girl,xx

[tillycindy]

Oh, you poor man. What a wonderful friend, you must be exhausted. Have you phoned the police station and explained you,re down as n.o.k ?. I,d try that first, then if you like get back to us and we,ll try to help from there. Hope she,s safe in either police station or poss back at the hospital depending what she,s been up to. Yours anne.

[Catfishjumpin]

Stop worrying. Find something nice to do for yourself. I was an alcoholic for decades. Then found out I had hep c. Had to quit for a year of treatment. Never drank again but the virus did not die. Another treatment in 2014 ten years later. Developed liver cancer on treatment. Now will die without a transplant soon. I cannot tell you all the maddness a woman alcoholic can get into. Anything could be happening. You know there is a chance she will come to her senses. But it will never be because you helped her. That's how it is with drinking alcoholics, all of us, no exceptions. Your wisest self reminded you your emotional sobriety feels in jeopardy. Listen to that voice. You must wait this out to see how it turns out. Best wishes.

[chynablue in reply to Catfishjumpin]

"You know there is a chance she will come to her senses. But it will never be because you helped her."

That's worth repeating!

Read it again.

[tillycindy in reply to chynablue]

Hi chynablue, Hope you are well. I must beg to differ with you on that one. Yours anne x

[Hidden in reply to chynablue]

thanks chynablue , i realise that ,many thanks.tony.

[sheri44]

I'm so sorry your friend has put you through hell. Your an amazing person but i think your doing all you can. Your going to be no good to anyone stressed and poorly. Try the police as your n.o.k other than that i have no recommendations for you. Sorry again, if i only had a friend like you that's all i can say. ( my best friend of 40yrs never contacted me after my liver transplant this year) good luck ...sheri xx

[briccolone]

Hi, sorry to hear this, quite a few of us on this site have similar experiences. The docs have told her clearly she will die if she doesn't stop drinking and she will. Catfish is probably right but I would take tillycindys approach.. Keep on doing what you can to assuage your own conscience but you have nothing to reproach yourself. In the end the only thing that will save her is herself. Some people do turn it round. Let's hope she does. All the very best and keep posting.

[Hidden in reply to briccolone]

im living proof that YES you can turn it around by yourself ,,,i have very bad liver disease and will need a new liver ,,the day i was diagnosed was the day i quit for good and im 193days sober Dont give up on her ,,not all of us had someone like you ok kimberly said it ,,,alcohol is an attention seeker ,,,,but she does need help ,,,,,i havent gone through the pain she did with losing blood etc and i dont intent on doing it either ,,,,stay strong keep us all informed and chat to me or anyone anytime ok matt

[briccolone in reply to Hidden]

good for you

[sheri44 in reply to Hidden]

nice one Matt 😀 keep going

[dckimberly]

Im so very sorry to hear this. Alcoholism effects everyone in the alcoholics circle, be it family or friends.

They will only give you so much info because of privacy laws.

This will be hard to hear..but, sobriety is not for those who need it. It's for those that want it.

She has to want if for herself.

The sad truth is that most of us die from this.

It's so hard to 'let go' but you must..for your own sanity's sake. Let Go & Let God..or Let the Universe.

Do good things for you. Worry about your own health. Alcoholics tend to be overly dramatic. They want attention. Again, sad by true.

I hope you finds her way back and gets the help she needs..but for now..lets worry about YOU and your health. You seem to be very caring and kind. She is lucky to have a friend like you!

Cheering you on!

XXX

kimberly

[Hidden]

Hi Tony

Having just read your post I felt compelled to reply to you as I've just been through exactly the same with a friend of mine, so I truly understand how you're feeling right now...totally powerless, frustrated and emotionally drained.

I have been trying to help a friend for 6 years now who, like your friend Amy, seems to just have her finger glued to the self-destruct button. I came back from holiday and her phone was dead, after 3 days I started to panic so drove to her flat but no answer at the door. She lives alone, no family around, recently diagnosed with alcohol related hep and cirrhosis, has ascites, blood from both ends and was told during her hospital admission just before I went away that if she continues to drink she has a year to live. Like you, she puts my name down as next of kin, and it just feels a huge responsibility. So I rang the hospital and the police and it turned out she had, once again, been admitted to hospital and was being detoxed yet again. I got her keys from her and what I faced when I entered her flat I never want to see again, blood & vomit everywhere.

I picked her up from hospital a couple of days later, took her back to her cleaned flat and as soon as I left her she was at the 24 hour garage next door buying her alcohol. I spent the next week taking her to all her appointments at the addiction centre and she was intoxicated at every one but swearing blind she hadn't drank since being discharged from hospital! I arrived to take her to AA meetings..she couldn't even walk and then there was the drunken messages in the middle of the night telling me she doesn't want to stop.

Like you, I was in despair but sadly the bottom line is you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Trust me...I tried everything but all my attempts failed. I am almost 10 years sober and a very grateful member of AA but my friend was sucking the life out of me and so, as hard as it is, I had to Let Go and walk away. I listened to my sponsor who spoke to me about boundaries...I'd allowed my friend to break those boundaries, I thought I was helping her but if I'm honest she was just manipulating me and my time and currently has no intention of stopping.

You have to take care of yourself and your own sobriety, we can only hold the hand of AA out to people and if they're willing to go to any lengths to get better that's great. But if they still think they've got more drinking to do, we are totally powerless over that and we have to accept that is their journey and just hope that they will, one day, want it for themselves.

You've done your best, now it's time to take care of yourself and your own sobriety, long may it continue ....One Day at a Time.

Take care, Jacqui

[angse]

This is such a shame, she is so lucky to have you helping her, but as she's drinking she does not realise this, really hope she stops with help her luck will run out. Annette