A few months ago I had my very first panic attack - out of the blue.
To say the experience was 'terrifying' would be an understatement. Death was in my peripheral vision. I swallowed my embarrassment and told those close to me that I loved them - just in case.
I had two more panic attacks after that, the most recent being the worst. So far, paramedics have been called out three times and I've been sent to A&E twice.
I have become severely depressed, sleep deprived and permanently anxious ever since, as if an unseen entity has flipped a switch in my head. I wonder if my old self is gone forever.
I also have high blood pressure and arrhythmia, which I worry about. The worrying most likely raises my blood pressure, so I'm locked in a self-perpetuating cycle.
I believe one of the reasons I've become like this is because of the way the NHS works and the way conventional medicine works. Combined with the lockdown, all of these things have chipped away at my emotional resilience.
Being told by an NHS nurse that I might have a heart attack or stroke if I didn't take medication, planted the seed of this particular anxiety.
The impossibility of obtaining face-to-face doctor's appointments. The compulsory wearing of face masks, which feel suffocating. The arrows we have to follow on the floor. The warnings of imminent death that are printed in blood pressure medication patient leaflets as -'side effects'. The side effects themselves that cause one to feel worse than before.
The exhaustion from battling to speak to a doctor in order to get a medication changed for another. All of this is a rollercoaster of stress.
I won't use my home blood pressure monitor anymore because, should I have another high reading again, I know that I'll only get stressed, call 111 and risk another panic attack.
So for people like myself, who suddenly find themselves in the grip of an anxiety/panic disorder, I'd say a 24 hour blood pressure monitor is one of the WORST ideas in the world. To have one's arm squeezed tightly at regular intervals by a machine can only remind the wearer of their own fragile state of health.
It was never explained to me how these monitors worked when I went to have one fitted, but I instantly knew after seeing the self-inflating cuff being demonstrated to me, that an unexpected grip of my arm would only fuel my anxiety, raising my blood pressure in the process.
There must be a better way.