My partner died today having collapsed in the early hours of this morning and was an emergency admission to hospital at 3.30 this morning. When I left him at 8 am he was looking a lot better and they were trying to find him a bed. He had a chest infection for which I had been to the GP earlier this week and got some antibiotics for. At lunch time I had a phone call to say he had deteriorated. I got to the hospital with 40 minutes of the call and he had died 5 minutes before I arrived. I never got the chance to say goodbye.
I am now full of "if only". If only I hadn't left him to go to work. If only the hospital had phone me sooner. If only I had got a taxi, if only I had drven direct to the hospital and not bothered about a parking place. If only I hadn't said what I had said the night before, if only I could have said goodbye. We only had 6 months from diagnosis to today. I was hoping to make the best of the summer knowing it would probably be the last he would be able to do anything.
I just don't know how to stop crying and can't forgive my self for what I said yesterday. Yesterday he said something on the phone to a friend and later talking to that person I said to her "I could kill him for that". Now he's dead. I didn't mean it but I can't take back what I said and I was unjustifiably angry with him for what he had said and I walked out the house for 30 minutes. That was 30 minutes less with him when I could have been saying or doing nice things for him.
How do you live with the "if only" and the things you never said and the things you would not have said if you had know he would be dead in less than 24 hours.