Irrational fears

[Elliecabg2023]

Going through my diagnosis and subsequent 3 x Cabg last July, I find myself struggling with the way my body has let me down. I struggle with fears which are holding me back from making decisions to do nice things, I procrastinate, and in the end don't do them. I'm trying to book a holiday, but I can't do it, I'm worried about leaving home. I'm physically fit, clearly more than I was before the op., so it's illogical. Does anyone else feel like this, or has gone through it and come out the other end?

[Anginalady]

Hello, so sorry to hear that you're struggling with these fears so much that they stop you moving forward with your life. It's not something I've been through so I can't offer any life experiences for you, but it sounds as though you need to speak to your GP to get some support to help you through this.

As you say, physically you are fitter than you were before the op, are your fears that you may relapse in some way, is this why you can't face going away?

Maybe taking a holiday is too big a step for you right now. Are you managing smaller steps, like days out? Do you have a partner or a friend to talk to about how you're feeling? Sometimes talking through what's worrying you and listening to friends and loved ones advice, helps you to see things a little more clearly

Maybe you've tried these things and they've not helped, in which case you're GP is probably the next step.

As always, everyone here is here to listen when you need us, so please talk to us if you need to.

Let us know how you get on moving forward.

[Elliecabg2023 in reply to Anginalady]

Thank you for responding. I do get out, go to work etc., it's thankfully not crippling to that extent. It's hard to put into words really. I've talked to family, but they don't really understand what it's like to have the diagnosis and surgery that I've had. I think I was in shock and autopilot for so long, and I'm only now dealing with it.

[Anginalady in reply to Elliecabg2023]

I'm sure you'll get responses from others who've been through the same thing and will understand how you're feeling.

I think you've just explained it, you've been in shock and on autopilot and now you're dealing with it.

I won't say you need to think about the positives, as I'm sure you're aware of those, but contact you're GP and see someone who will understand what you're going through. Don't struggle through this alone.

[BeKind28-]

Hello

I also had a triple Bypass 3 years ago now and even though we can say we still have irrational fears they do not feel irrational they feel very real and very hard to deal with

We have gone through such a big life changing event that for some of us we can feel a lot more fitter physically but mentally it has affected us and that is something that is not always as easy to fix

Maybe while you are doing things in your comfort zone where you are near home etc your mind feels secure if anything was to go wrong because sometimes even after this op because of what we have been through again for some of us we can still fear the "what if's" they can linger in our minds stopping us from doing things we would enjoy this can then result in all different emotions so hard to explain unless you are or have been there

I will be honest I am still trying to work it all out how to move on

You say you want to go on Holiday and maybe other things you would like to do but you just cannot bring yourself to do it I think sometimes our confidence gets shattered and we slowly have to try and build it up so maybe rather than a holiday abroad or for a week setting little goals staying in the UK and just going somewhere and staying overnight and building on these smaller goals as you feel able

I also think after a year and still struggling some Counselling would really benefit you and I know the waiting lists can be long but I would also say talk with your Doctor and see what they can suggest and maybe make some referrals

As I said I am still struggling but wanted to let you know you are not on your own and I hope you will get the help you need and soon be able to move forward

Let us know how you get on x

[Elliecabg2023 in reply to BeKind28-]

Thank you, in itself it's good to know I'm not alone, and you've hit the nail on the head using the term comfort zone. When I got my diagnosis I was floored, it was not delivered in a caring way, leaving me in shock. The knowing your body is failing you, and the waiting for an op., date, does not help. Some time after when I realised I wasn't coping, I asked for counselling, and got something from some new 'talking heads' iniative, unfortunately it was someone young with little life experience. They kept saying they would give me coping strategies, which consisted of writing my fears in two columns, ones i could do something about and the ones i could not, it was not helpful, I still had a column of fears. I persevered, but as soon as I got a date for the op., I cancelled the sessions. I'd need something better than this if I go back, but I'll think about talking to my doctor. Meanwhile, I'll try writing down all my thoughts and see if I can get to the bottom of what is holding me back, that sometimes helps. Thanks again and I hope you find some relief too.

[BeKind28- in reply to Elliecabg2023]

Hello

I am so sorry you were not told about your op in a caring way that will not have helped at all

I can relate to what you are saying and what you were told to do when you had your Counselling I also have had different counselling over the years as I was an anxious person to start with I have found psychology suites me best but I am also like you in the past when it is someone younger it just does not work as like you they have not had the same life experience sometimes they have noty even known what I have been talking about but now I ask for someone at least my age or round about my age and I am honest why it could mean waiting a little longer but it is worth it

I really do hope you get the support you need and will let us know how you get on x

[devonian186]

If you are trying to "book" a holiday it sounds like a formal package tour one with set times and set hotels and possibly flights.

Its been a year since your surgery so presumably its a mental rather than physical thing about not booking a holiday.

It doesn't need to be 2 weeks in the hot sun. My first one was a night away 30 miles away then I tried a few days away. Then I thought as we like to fly to Austria to visit the Christmas advent markets I had better see if I could fly.

So I booked a short flight to Guernsey from our nearest very low key airport-Exeter-where you can park within 200 yards of the terminal. No problems, so booked Salzburg and Arrived in a 2 hour window of a ferocious blizzard which closed nearby Munich.

Had a really lovely time.

So I would build up to it and book a couple of nights in a nice hotel close by in an area that will make you feel you are on holiday and work up from there.

[DWizza]

Hi Ellie, I had quadruple CABG lady July following Nstemi heart attack. I’m sure I had/have a touch of PTSD post event/surgery. I can empathise to an extent, I had fear of committing to certain things , a particular milestone was going to a 3 day music festival , camping out . It was really weighing on my mind, almost a year after my heart attack. I’m pleased to say that I did it, I had a great time, I did spend time on my own for a few hours a day rather than with the gang of friends o went with. I balled my eyes out at one gig as the music was so good and it made me so emotional, I was so glad to be alive and in the moment. All I can recommend is book the holiday , enjoy your rebirth and go through the process . It helped me a lot to get that festival under my belt, I’m a lot more relaxed about life. Even one of my consultants said to me that “ you should go and enjoy life now, just work to keep these new pipes clear, still enjoy a good steak every now and then and live life”

Wishing you well on your journey 👊🏻❤️

[meadfoot]

There is nothing irrational about your concerns, you have been through a big trauma maybe even a level of PTSD. Please dont be hard on yourself. What you are feeling is self preservation and not putting yourself through further trauma in a situation you feel unsure or comfortable with. Seems pretty normal to me.

So how do you proceed to get back to a good safe place in your head. Well its different for all of us I guess and some of us never get our confidence back fully or just regain it to some compromised level. Have you tried counselling. I was referred to a councillor specialising in health related trauma. Hypnotherapy with a highly qualified and medically recommended person may help if things dont improve.

I have been where you are with heart related anxiety and it has changed me drastically on the “safety front” ie wherever I go I feel unsafe in case my heart kicks off. Its not a recipe for a fulfilling free life so please get help to get back on track.

Step at a time, choose a place to go which gives you the least trauma, if you feel you need look where the local hospital is if that makes it feel safer. Try UK first and build your confidence. If you decide on abroad again look at medical facilities, top notch health travel insurance, ensure you have plenty of medicines with you if you take meds. Do whatever you need to feel safe and take no nonsense from anyone telling you buck up or stop worrying, its your concern and it needs dealing with, with kindness.

You will overcome it, give it time but do yourself a favour and get help or it may well imbed ongoing limitations and you are now free and healthy albeit still in shock. You can overcome this and live your life to the full. Go for it you can do this.

[T666]

I had my 3 CABG emotional rollercoaster fitted in August 2023.

I can fully empathise with you and your ‘journey’ (society really needs a new word)

I started by taking myself to the supermarket

Then the shopping centre

If I went to a cashpoint I would walk around the inside of the supermarket for exercise and then came back out to withdraw the cash (cash afterwards to stop me spending it in the supermarket).

From this beginning I booked an overnight away at a hotel I am familiar with

Then a weekend away

I have just booked two cruises over the next few months

I guess what I’m saying is… At your pace… gradual and progressive…. You have control

We have been given a wonderful opportunity for a ‘new’ life and need to embrace the new and try not to draw comparisons with the ‘former’ life

Hope this helps

[Hidden]

I went to holiday a few times with no issues. Holidays actually help with the emotional side of the op. I actually went into a full meltdown when i considered going back out on mu bicyle. I called the senior cardiac nurse at my hospital and she allayed my fears about crashing and bleeding out.

She said just consider the risks and way up the positives. On the risks side you can mitigate these by talking to a medical profesional

[Donny64]

I read this and had to reply, this was exactly me !!Had a triple heart bypass and recovered well and gave up smoking and drinking and started to feel alot fitter and leaner, physically I felt better than I had done for years. Same as you though I had lost the confidence to do the things I used to enjoy doing, going out, socialising, riding my scooter and attending football matches. I wanted to go on holidays but just couldn't pluck up the courage. I felt and my family felt I was in survival mode and just living for each day. Once I was told that my family wanted the old me back, I did something about it. That was the turning point. I went to see my GP who referred me to a guy , not sure what he was, but he set me on a course of talking therapy for about 8 weeks with an amazing lady. She really took hold of my life and set me tasks and encouraged me to start enjoying my life again. I can't thank her enough. It was a course of CBT.

She changed me totally, I'm now enjoying everything I used to enjoy, been on many holidays in the last 18 months, going to my football, I have a drink when I feel like one.

I can't tell you what to do but please look Into this, best thing I have ever done.

Good luck and let me know how you get on 👍

[Elliecabg2023 in reply to Donny64]

Thank you, that sounds very positive. I'll look into it.

[momander]

Hi Ellie,

I had a double cabg 19 months ago, and whilst I know it was the absolute right thing to do, I still feel I am always just slightly anxious!!?? Before I had my procedure I was a smoker and a drinker. I gave up both in 2021 and dont regret it for a second. I feel better than I have for a long time, but I still feel something is missing? its as if something was taken from me the day I had my operation and I will never get it back?? My confidence perhaps? and a bit of self belief?

My job is that of a counsellor, and I was really struggling badly with the emotional side of my recovery and so decided to seek out a counsellor!! It was a disaster!! I just wanted to be the client!! When they asked me if I worked , and I said what I did, it all changed and I was more or less told that as a counsellor I should know what to do???

I also was referred to counselling through the NHS and had one young lady who was "practicing" on people to get her through her PHD!!! I then had a psychologist who wanted to explore my childhood??? Quite an experience, and sadly, not helpful. I dont know how long it is going to take me to feel different??? This operation changes you for life and people who have not experienced this cant really understand how we feel. Its your heart!!!! I know all my anxieties and fears are completely irrational, but I am working as hard as I can to understand and believe that I have been "mended" and that I am ok.

We are all here for you any time you need to talk

I am happy to listen and help in any way I can

Take care ok. xxxx

[GarrBo]

Hello Ellie

Your experience reminds me of how I felt 30 years ago when my AF became symptomatic. I felt betrayed by my own body and could no longer feel that sense of trust that I had had in my own abilities, up to that point, all my life. Also there was a sense of loss, mourning almost for the life style I thought I had lost.

Firstly, you will adapt to it and your AF will not feel like such a big obstacle in your life. For me this did not happen immediately or even quickly but looking back I realise I was over cautious even though it felt the right thing to do at the time. I had to relearn that my body could be trusted over the months and years that followed.

Secondly, be prepared for a period of changing medications while the doctors sort out what works for you, not every medication works the same for every person. I was in A+E almost every week for a few months after my diagnosis, some time by ambulance. No one ever told me I was wasting time or being a nuisance although I felt like it some times, so if you feel worried call 111.

Thirdly, there was a big psychological impact. I felt that people didn't understand how I was feeling or how vulnerable I felt. At the same time I didn't want people constantly asking me how I felt, it was bad enough feeling ill without reminded of it all the time! I found myself continuously reasuring my partner that I was alright.

You will return to a 'normal' life. It might take some time but it will happen.

There are some positive aspect to AF, I now know what my limitations are (not many) and I have been able to cut out a lot of things that are not important from my life. I have become more determined to do the things and invest in the relationships that are important to me.

Take care, live well.

Garry