HiI'm after ...an impartial opinion I guess. My partner had a heart attack 3 months ago, and 2 stents fitted.
He's been told by cardio rehab that he's absolutely fine, heart working perfectly, no need to worry. But I think he's overweight, and doesn't exercise, and needs to change his lifestyle.
But I'm the one worrying, as I'm concerned that nothing has changed, and I feel he's still at risk. He can't see it, and keeps telling me not to worry. So I'm now at the stage where I feel if he loved me he'd want to address his health, so as not to risk leaving me if/ when something else happens.
He's happy with his life the way it is, and seems to believe what others tell him, but not me, even though I've been through similar before.
He hasn't researched about the risks, and the chances of reoccurrence, says he doesn't do reading. I'm at my wits end.
Guess I just want someone who isn't involved to put some perspective on it.
Thanks x
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Sadly there are posts like yours that occasionally crop up on here. Relationships are complex and so we have no real idea of the one you have with your husband, and can only judge the situation in which you both find yourselves from what you tell us, without hearing the other side of the discussion. Nor do we know all the facts about your husbands medical and health situation in full. So what you will hear from members is a range of views saying leave him alone he is coming to terms with his situation or similar, to tell him he needs to sort himself out. My advice is to subtly encourage him to adopt life style changes to reduce his heart health risk, including weight management which you can influence through diet, and support his recovery. But if he chooses to ignore your efforts over time you need to get the support of your family on board to help. However if all else fails you need to tell him he is being selfish and if he values your wellbeing as well as his own and that of your relationship, he needs to change his ways.
Hello..and thank you. Yes, I realise that my post is a bit sketchy. I have already done all that you've suggested, to no avail. He has tried to cut down the amount that he eats, but I think without exercise as well, he isn't getting results. I guess it's last resort now, time will tell. Thank you. X
it does sound as if it’s the exercise that’s the problem (other than the very helpful advice given by Lowerfield). I’m wondering if he can revive an old exercise he used to do? Maybe not rugby or hang-gliding but something a little less strenuous. My husband carried on with his golf.
Walking is wonderful exercise especially in a park/garden/woods/countryside.
Hi...yes, I think the issue is partly that he's never been active, whereas I'm the opposite, which doesn't help. We have a dog, and I've stressed that walking is the best and easiest exercise to start with, but he doesn't like it....however, after our latest discussion he's said he's going to make the effort to go for a walk, and also to join the online exercise programme that the cardio rehab have given him. So all I can do is hope. Thank you.
I think we came to the conclusion in a previous thread, that walking the dog is no sort of proper exercise but more of an amble as the dog stops so frequently.
You can both up the exercise rate if you get some hiking poles and up your speed a bit, choosing a pleasant walk, ideally with some hills, or perhaps a destination-A garden centre a mile away where you can reward yourself with a hot drink.
Get a pedometer and aim initially for 6000 steps a day, with around a third of that at a good pace.
Hi....yes, I appreciate that, but as I live with Ulcerative Colitis, osteo and inflammatory arthritis, and other immune related issues, I feel that he's adding to my stress also....he jyst doesn't seem to see it. However, we've had a discussion, and he says he's going to try, so guess it's fingers crossed! Thank you.
Hello, Being told to change is good advice, but it comes with a down side as well. Sometimes being told to change can be stressful. One thing you didn't say was the age of your husband,
I know on some days I think what the hell and have a Hollands potatoe pie with mushy peas, I know I shouldn't but I am not worrying about being a little overweight when I arrive at the crem nor do I want to be the fittest dead person at my service !!
I do believe there is a balance to be made and that is difficult Your husband may be thinking about Quality of life over Quantity. I do have a beer when watching sport on TV like tonight I will have a couple of cans whilst watching the England cricket team., and on Sunday I will have a bucket full after England win the football.
Please try to relax I am sure your Husband will come to terms with His and your Life and it will work out OK.
Hi..yes, sorry, he's 66. He has cut down on the amount he eats, and no cake or biscuits in the house, but he still likes a drink, which puts up the calories. I'm not trying to stop everything he likes, just trying for moderation, and feel that the missing ingredient is the exercise. I do understand that for someone who hasn't been active this is a huge step, but really hoped that he'd realise it would be worth it. As for quality of life. I feel that my life is important too, and that if he cares about me he'd want to stick around! So we can only see I guess. Thank you.
Maybe just back off for a month - yes a month - don't mention his eating, his exercise or weight. You will both benefit. Concentrate on your own health and mindfulness to calm you and let him come to terms with his.
I personally feel the more you continue to say something the more he will ignore it or counter it, the worse it gets.
The less treats in the house, the more we crave for them. Ask him what treats he might like and get them in just, not hoards but just enough to make having them a treat now and then.
My first husband was absolutely obsessed with fitness and weight and it drove me bonkers. My second husband is very fit but never talks about it - I find that more inspiring to get fitter myself.
Exercise is great for fitness/strength but it is diet that rules the roost as far as weight loss is concerned. Begging people who are not and never have been keen on exercise is floggin g a dead horse because only they can make that effort, you can't do it for them. Diet however is a bit different. If you are in control of what he eats, as in you are the cook in the house, then you CAN make a big difference. Find some heart healthy recipes and gradually change what you are both eating. Check how many calories he should be eating as a sedentary man and then keep him in a slight calorie deficit. This can be done with main meals without him even realising by finding substitutes for some of the more calorific foods and if the food is tasty enough. Snacks can be changed as well. But, and it is a big but, it has to be a gradual lifestyle change. As the old saying goes. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" Also try not to let his sedentary lifestyle stress YOU out. You have enough going on with your own health issues. I understand you wanting him to be the fittest and healthiest he can be so he will be around for the long term, however maybe wanting him to be the happiest he can be is a more important thing just at the moment for you and your relationship. I hope you can come to a compromise between you both that reduces both health risks and stress.
I don't believe the Staff at rehab said that, frankly. Your partner has a progressive disease, he will be "fine" for a time, no one can tell how long, but if he doesn't make changes to his lifestyle then he may well have further problems. They will have made it clear to him that he needs to eat sensibly, lose any excess weight and exercise regularly - it's up to him really, I feel sorry for you, I have had massive support from my wife and would not dream of repaying her by not trying to do all I can to slow the progress of the disease he and I share, apart from the benefit for myself.
Sadly some people don't seem to be able to grasp the reality of what has happened to them, let's just hope he comes to his senses in time, I feel for you. Has he ever exercised? Most people have anxiety or at least have something within them to make them want to make sure they don't have a repeat HA, but it sounds sadly as if he's not bothered, in which case I have no idea what you can do really.
Hi..and thank you. Someone who feels as I do, guess I just needed validation that I wasn't being neurotic. I've lived through it before, so I found it hard to believe that he wouldn't be given information and advice. We've had a discussion, so the ball's in his court now. And thank you.
"So I'm now at the stage where I feel if he loved me he'd want to address his health, so as not to risk leaving me if/ when something else happens." This is such a tricky journey for partnerships. To turn things on their head, it is unlikely that the reason for not addressing his health is because he doesn't love you. More likely is, as you suggest, he is too frightened / blinkered to face it or does not really believe it is happening to him. My husband finds it really hard to absorb the reality of his situation and swings between seeming to have got to grips with it and then being unbelieving or overwhelmed by emotion. When he has had a 'big cry', as I call it, he seems to move a little closer to understanding what is happening and that it is an ongoing situation. Slowly over many months as the full extent of his problems have revealed themselves he has begun to look after himself a little better although inconsistently. And yes, someone else saying something that I have said often has more of an impact! This has all made me think hard about how to be as prepared as I can be if / when something else happens. A cardiac nurse said candidly that there is little certainty in cardiac medicine so even if your partner did everything you asked or wished he would, he might still leave you or have something else happen to him. She said "plan for the worst and hope for the future." I thought it was extremely good advice and took off some of the pressure off me to push him to do this or do that. Our relationship benefited!
This is a hard one and I have been in a similar situation. I have tried to find ways of getting my husband active. He is definitely not a walker but he will walk round a golf course looking for golf balls in the evening, he will walk to the pub for a drink, etc. We don't know if your husband works or what he does but its important to remember that formal exercise is not always necessary as long as he is moving about enough. I also know that the more I encourage my husband, the more he can resist so I just try and be subtle. At the end of the day though, if he chooses not to make changes, there isn't much you can do about it. It doesn't mean he loves you less, it means he is stuck in his ways and maybe can't change or is unable to change (at the moment).
Lol, grubbing around a golf course looking for balls, walking to the pub and "moving about" is not exercise! Exercise is something that raises your heart rate sufficiently for a given amount of time, 150 mins recommended as a minimum.
We do walk up hill on the golf course which gets his heart rate up. I am happy that he got moving as I exercise regularly and do far more than the recommended levels of exercise
Yes but your statement that "formal exercise" is not always necessary is not what is required or recommended, is it? It might well be that some stubborn people are stuck in their ways but that is no advert for anyone else on here.
I am not sure why you are attacking me but what I mean is that it is not necessary to go to a gym or run to get a heart rate up. If someone works hard in their garden and gets enjoyment from that they can get their heart rate up just as much if not more. I am trying to be helpful mot hi see anyone.
Its not as if this was a minor heart problem cured by taking some medication. It needed the radical intervention of stents, plus no doubt, medication.
He has had a warning that what he was doing before with his lifestyle has caused big problems. Unless he changes his ways another incident will occur which is likely to be far worse in its consequences.
Perhaps he feels he is still young and therefore immortal, if not in real age years, then in his mind?
Is he overweight? Does he exercise? Does he eat the wrong Foods? If so and this was lifestyle rather than genetics related, then he needs to heed the warning and do something about it.
I know, and I can see this but he doesn't seem to! He is overweight, and he's never exercised, which is a big issue, but he has agreed to try, so we'll see. Foodwise he just eats too much, so we're working on that too. Thanks
Hi Seniormadam, I’m saddened to hear your situation. I had Nstemi heart attack and quadruple bypass last July , fit and strong and couldn’t have been more motivated to do anything in my gift to rehab and enjoy my rebirth as I call it. I love a social drink , nowhere near as much as I used to drink , I made a couple of lifestyle changes , make my own breads (less salt and no sugar /preservatives) , cut out ultra processed foods (no bacon, ham , chorizo etc , lean Turkey mine , chicken most of the time , 60% fat cheddar etc) ,cut booze right down but still enjoy myself on occasions, physically active ( a lifetime of sport and training ) . It seems your husband is a different creature . It’s just not him. I couldn’t think of putting my family through that again , I already feel that I let the side down , it brought me to tears in hospital. I’m not sure that your husband will change , I don’t think you’ll change him. His hobby sounds like golf and drinking ? I’m sure he loves you , he really needs to love himself a bit more . Did he do the cardiac rehab classes ?
Sadly , he’s another bloke that reminds me of this photo .
Hi.....to be fair he is trying, he's been to 2 cardio rehab classes..First one just to check in, second that had him on some kind of stepper? He's now decided that he will walk every day, so we'll see. Thanks
My husband does use a pedometer which I think I bought him and he writes down his steps each day alongside the daily record he keeps of blood pressure and weight. The pedometer gives the number of steps but also the number of "active" steps - i.e. ones that get the heart pumping. At the moment very few of those are recorded. Like Suebedoo says it is a matter of guile and subtleness not direct attack! However despite saying this I have times when all my pent-up emotion will burst forth and spill out uncontrollably when I might well be saying things like I don't feel you love me when you don't look after yourself. We both get upset when we fall out like this but it is like bursting a boil and with some pressure relieved. It is life changing for partners as well as the person themselves and lots of our expectations, dreams and hopes have to be let go of and new realities have to be faced which includes the recognition of their and our mortality. Our lives are now different and I think we, partners who have not had a heart attack etc., are often the first ones to realise this, partly because it isn't happening to us right now.
An aside gripe is that I don't think friends always help because many do not understand that recovery with heart problems does usually mean many changes in life style and so they behave with and towards our partners and us as if things have returned to how they were and so reinforce the no change behaviours..
I'm regularly reminded by friends and neighbours that nobody is guaranteed tomorrow.
I'm in my 70s, and recently out of hospital following a TAVI procedure to install an artificial Aortic Valve. I'm seriously overweight and certainly don't get as much exercise as I should. I live alone and have been retired for 14 years. I've enjoyed those years very much. I'm never bored and have a wide range of interests, almost all of which don't involve any exercise whatsoever. If I exercise for, say, 1 hour a day, I have to give up something I enjoy doing even more.
When I was in the cardiac ward the patients had a wide range of ages from children to men in their 80s. Some of those who had arrived as a result of heart attacks were walkers, runners or cyclists. One man, some 20 years younger than me, said that if he hadn't been so fit the heart attack would have killed him. I wondered if the, to me, excessive amount of running he did every day had been part of the cause as it certainly hadn't prevented the attack. Another, 40 years younger than me, was quite fit, walked a lot, wasn't overweight and didn't drink excessively but he was a smoker. I didn't have a heart attack and had felt fine until a week before my hospital admission when I started having palpitations.
When I was much younger it was common to believe that 70 was a good age for a man. Many died younger as a result of their working and/or living conditions but even then some lived into their 90s. It may not be what anyone wants to hear but life is, to some extent, a lottery. Some will live longer than others. Some will live happier lives than others. Some will be hale and hearty until their dying day and others will suffer from one illness or another for some of their lives.
Try to think positively and not worry so much. Being happy and content is much better than being unhappy and constantly wishing life were different. The latter, in my experience, rarely brings any rewards. If you want more to occupy your time, try learning a new skill. I was 50 when I started to learn to play a pipe organ, 55 when I learned to paint (watercolours), nearly 60 when I started to learn a foreign language. At present I'm studying 20th century European history. There's a world of reward out there but you have to look for it.
You don't think then that being "seriously overweight" and apparently not bothered about it is not a bit of an insult to the NHS staff who have given you a second chance of life?
If more people took responsibility for their own health the waiting lists would probably be significantly less, I am sure a 30 mins brisk walk would not impact your life too much? Just because you have been lucky is not a reason to stick a finger up, so to speak, at those who have and are actually trying to help themselves.
Whatever rocks your boat. Some people enjoy food, booz, smoking,.. too much and are ok despite the consequences.
I dont think anyone owns the NHS anything. I have paid my taxes all my life (like many) , yet get a 2nd class service, should I ask for a compensation? I would rather pay and get a proper service and on time. The fact that you have to wait for months for routine scans and being in a limbo just makes no sense in a developed nation like UK. How many people have got worse off by waiting on the NHS waiting list?
Human beings are complex and trying to make sense or expect them all to conform a certain way is not going to happen.
Also, in the western world - people forget that one day it is all going to end. Getting that signal one way or the other - puts some in shock and many find this realisation a difficult one. So, do you want to be extremely healthy and miserable? Or do you draw a balance somewhere? Only one life and yours only.
Mmm suggesting smoking is not really that bad, honestly? It says in your Bio you are grateful for the diagnosis and treatment, make your mind up!
The service I have had from the NHS for other conditions has been absolutely excellent, which I believe it is for most people. Sure it's groaning under excess weight (literally), but it is still the envy of a hell of a lot of countries and their people.
For the record, diagnosis was private, still officially on the NHS waiting list to be seen by a cardiologist. Thank god for the private healthcare service - where mostly NHS consultants are doing overtime.
I dont rate the NHS system that highly I am sorry. I have lived, worked in Europe - different system and miles ahead of what we have from the NHS. In healthcare - prevention and diagnosis is key as is health outcomes. Dont think NHS gets that.
I agree with you regarding prevention, it doesn't bear thinking about what the situation will be like given the obesity epidemic that is sweeping the country.
A "brisk" walk is now very difficult due to arthritis, which started in my late 30s. At that time I'd worked outdoors for much of the previous 20 years, in all weathers, and had, otherwise, been quite fit. In my mid 50s I almost always used stairs at work instead of lifts and I ran a rambling club. All that exercise and fresh air may have helped but it didn't prevent other health issues from happening. In more recent times I became housebound due to being the sole carer for someone suffering from dementia. I had a sitter 3 times a week which enabled me to do shopping and get a little exercise but cooking and eating became a passtime. In those circumstances I think most people take their pleasures where they can.
Life happens to us all in different ways. Exercise and keeping slim still doesn't guarantee a long and healthy life, nor does it "save" the NHS. Hospitals and waiting lists are full of people who've taken care of themselves and the "fit" significantly outnumbered the single, overweight person in the ward I occupied. Most of the heart attack victims were athletes of one sort or another, walkers, runners and cyclists mostly, who assumed all that exercise was good for them.
As for the "second chance of life" remark, we only ever have one life. For some it's very short, for others it's long and painful through no fault of their own. Mine's been very lucky. If it ends tomorrow I have no regrets, complaints or feelings of guilt. I'm happy and content even though you seem to think I shouldn't be.
"Most of the heart attack victims were athletes of one sort or another, walkers, runners and cyclists mostly, who assumed all that exercise was good for them."
I wonder if your partner would benefit from Cardio rehab stage 4 exercise on referral. I go to two 1 hour classes each week and it is a lovely supportive atmosphere where the exercise routine is organised and lead by a trained heart specialist physical trainer in a local sports centre.
Afterwards many of us go to the in-house café and discuss life, including our ailments and treatments. It’s a fabulous way to ensure both the exercise and mental health needs that we have.
The mental side of heart problems is seriously underestimated. You both have been traumatised in different ways and are still coming to terms with the shock I feel.
Another possibility would be to take up a shared hobby such as dancing, golf, swimming etc.
This is also a time (as it is with everyone of our age regardless of health issues) to ensure that you are fully aware of and take an equal share in the organising and running of your household so that your possible fears of coping alone at some future point will be lessened.
Good luck and I hope it all works itself out for you both and that you have many happy years ahead of you.
You don't think HE has a responsibility to himself, his partner, AND the NHS then? And the solution is for her to get counselling? What a crazy world we are living in!
I didn’t say that he doesn’t have responsibilities. You can’t force someone, obviously. I simply said that she could have counselling to find a way to deal with a difficult situation. Calm down. 🙄
Hi I feel its a shame he isn't getting cardio rehab at a group as that would help more than an on line one as seeing a group of people going through the same as you and and knowing that the cardio nurses are monitoring you gives you more confidence. I know you said he has never excerised so I feel he now may be really scared to try but won't admit it to you I had a TAVI last year at age75 I had always walked miles but had never done a exercise class and was dreading it but I loved it and still go to the stage 4 one
I guess it depends from person to person. My late dad had a HA very early in his life and before 40. However, he didnt change his lifestyle and everything was the same as before except that he was on cocktail of medicine. He didnt suffer another HA again, but all his major arteries became blocked further down the line, requiring a bypass. Even after his bypass, he still had the same lifestyle with even more medicine. Fast forward, dad eventually died of heart failure at 67, having lived with heart condition for 30 years. He was fed up with the side effects of the medicines and stopped taking them, which eventually resulted in a very weak heart and eventually his death.
Point I am trying to make is that some people have a very different take on life and are not that bothered. That is one extreme, while at the other end you have people that completely transform their lifestyle, health and so on. It is not as we didnt we try to convince him, trust me we tried all the time, but if the person doesnt do it himself - it wont happen.
I guess we’re all different. After a heart attack no heath professional will tell you that no changes need to happen. No matter how small they are!
I had a heart attack aged 43 in December 2022. I also had 2 stents. I’m not overweight and I was generally healthy before. Everything came as a massive shock. It did to my family and friends too!
I’ve done my own reading and spoken to my friends. I exercise regularly and I’ve changed some of my eating habits after speaking to a dietitian. They were only small changes but I feel they make a difference to me and what could happen in the future.
I know none of us know what could happen but I guess we have to try.
I guess your other half might need time. Some changes need to happen to make a difference going forward but only he can do that. No matter what you do or say, he’ll make his own choice. I know I don’t want to go through that pain and time again in a hurry.
I fully understand your concerns. Getting the illness recognised is a major problem, I had this with my Mrs.who had diabetes as well. After a triple bypass she was relatively well until the arrival of Covid. Anyway's years down the line, she also developed kidney failure. Remember that at all stages she was adamantly positive about her health and had convinced herself that she would "soon" recover! She did not fully appreciate the seriousness of it all!
Has he been to cardio rehab? They would have taught him how to adjust his diet, how to exercise and how to reduce further risk to his heart. If he hasn't been sent to rehab you need to contact the hospital and chase it up.It sounds as if he's blocking out what's happened as a way of coping. I'm in the same position with my husband. He's diabetic. I cook healthily but he still goes out twice a week and brings back bags and bags of cakes, scones crumpets and biscuits and he shakes at least a tablespoon of salt on every meal. I've taken photos of his haul and sent them to the diabetes nurse at the GP's but absolutely nothing will stop him. I have to accept that it's his life and if he wants to kill himself then so be it.
Hi in answer to your questions, its not good that you are the worried as it should be your husband, as he's been told hes fine he probably believes that as it wont happen but he obviously had heart attack for a reason and hes still carrying on on the same path and lifestyle it will no doubt happen again.I haven't had a heart attack but do suffer with heart failure and atrial fibrillation which leaves me out of breath etc but i also had to make lifestyle changes or maybe suffer consequences of potential hear attacks or stroke.
Hi, I was similar to this. My wife bought me a really good smart watch. Once you can see what you can do to improve your health and see the results, it makes it real. Encourages and it's interesting in real time not something that might happen in time. Also an investment that might need effort to make it worth the money. I felt obliged to make it work. Just an idea?
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Heart attack still smoking and drinking 
Partner just diagnosed with heart failure at 40
How do I know it's "end of life?"
This is normal after a heart bypass, isn't it? 
Heart Failure at 47
