Well Ralph arrived home at 6.30 Mon night. Our front room looks a bit like a hospital room with a suction machine and a nebuliser machine and all the paraphernalia that goes with them. A HUGE bag of meds as well. Monday evening was just chilling and spent sorting out what meds were needed and crushing or dissolving depends which they were all mixed with water to be administered through his RIG.
Nebuliser before bed and trachy tube cleaned and ready for bed.
I'd bought a wedge pillow and only needed one other pillow with it and he slept well. Me, not so much as couldn't stretch out much but it's got better over the week, I've got used to basically being in one position.
Tuesday was a nightmare, we were up at 5.30 and I didn't really sit down until 7pm.
Just a round of nebuliser, meds, making pureed meals, loads of washing up. Phone never stopped ringing with different departments checking up and making appointments to visit him.
Only walking he did was up and down stairs to bathroom which was fine for his first day back.
Wednesday we stayed in bed until 7 then Ralph cleaned his tube and had a nebuliser, he has one in the morning and one an hour or so before bed.
Touch wood and fingers crossed he hasn't needed suction yet.
I had a talk with him on Wednesday that if he expected me to go at the pace I was going on Tuesday, I'd probably be dead in a month. He didn't want to walk or do anything at all. I said if you want a cuppa you make it and I'll carry it in.
Finally got him to do some steps on the path under our front window, he's only doing a quarter of the distance he was doing in hospital. I said if you're just happy you're home and got your TV and Xbox and not interested in working to get more mobile, carry on, but I'm not going to stay in forever because you can't get to the pavement for a taxi, or eventually to the bus stop. He says he wants to be more mobile and will do it, but this morning he refused to walk again.
Trachy nurse visited on Thursday and says we're doing great, she gave him an HME with a speaking valve attached so he doesn't have to change them.
RIG nurse came on Friday and watched him change the balloon water himself and says that's fine.
GP has authorised his prescriptions and we have an appointment there on Friday afternoon next week, taxi booked to take us.
I feel helpless and at the moment just hate myself because all I can hear is me nagging him that he has to make some effort and I can't do it for him. Lovely as it is to have him home, now he is home, it's as if his goal was to get home and he's done it so give up and live like this now.
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Fantastic to see Ralph home, albeit there are more things to do at home now to ensure he is receiving the correct care and can be kept out of hospital. Have you considered arranging for home help at some point? I wonder if having carers come in a couple of times a week would help take the stress and load off you a little bit.
Will be no need for home help or anything, I'm managing now I've got a routine, I'm just so frustrated that he's happy to be home and doesn't seem interested in doing more
It sounds like he will need some time to settle back in after spending so much time at the hospital. He probably also has some anxiety trying to return back to normal life and perhaps not knowing what he can, and can’t do safely yet.
I’ll be rooting for you both and will look out for any future updates.
I have been reading your posts and so pleased your husband has made it home. What a great photo. I agree with the post above that maybe getting a bit of home help will help you rest sometimes and make him realise what an epic job you are doing. You are so efficient he probably doesn't feel he has to make an effort 🙂 I think he is just enjoying being at home but I'm sure he will be making you both tea soon !
I can relate to this. Took Dad a while to have a new aim. He’d met his goal and until he adjusted to a new goal it was tricky. My mum used to leave for one hour per week to get a taxi to shop and he was literally timing her absence. It did get better and will for you. You both have a form of PTSD following the strain over the last few months. Dad did eventually acknowledge that he had fought a battle and it had to offer more than sitting in a chair.
Keep sharing and take yourself off for breaks when you can (even if just a bath or a sit on the bed).
It’s a great picture but tell him we’re all waiting to see him gardening!
Great to hear from you and can I please send a hug to you and a kick up the backside to Ralph. I wonder if he's actually a bit unsure and unsettled about walking, perhaps wondering about the 'what ifs ' without the back up of the hospital around him. Can you talk to a physio? Will he have ongoing physio visits at home? Do you have an occupational therapist involved? Perhaps the GP can arrange for a community based team to visit us hospital is unable to provide.
My guess is that it's all to do with confidence and as we know men aren't great at admitting that they've lost confidence and then it becomes easier to say no than try. He's probably finding the change quite tiring? Maybe set a deadline of the 1st July to get going again. Xx
I've told him to relax over the weekend and then aim for some steps morning and afternoon, only up and down the path a couple of times. If it's raining he can do from front door to back door through hall and kitchen a total of 22 steps from door to door
so lovely to see Ralph at home in his own chair and familiar surroundings , hopefully he will start to do a little more once he is confident. Its easier to try doing things like walking when your in hospital and have many people around to help you. Early days yet but your right you cant do it all. Thankyou for the update
Thank you for the lovely photograph of Ralph. It was good to see him at home after all this time and what he has been through. He made it, bless him. It is a big transition for him, and yourself at the moment, and l expect he needs time to get his bearings and into a routine with you. It must be nerve wrecking for you with the huge responsibility, but l am sure it will get easier as time goes on. I think he will need a bit of time to get his strength back, so get all the help you can, and which you are entitled too. It’s time, that you both need, to get sorted out, and for Ralph to get strong again. It’s very early days. God bless to you both.
HI Ralph - that's fantastic! What a shirt. What jazzy hands. What a handsome face! God bless you sir. There'll be more from me later but I could not help but throw this comment in before I nip out to my brothers for a BBQ with nephews and nieces and grandchildren. I will certainly celebrate your arrival home with a drink. Your picture is MAGIC!
Hi Sue, it's so lovely to see Ralph home and smiling after all these months being in hospital. When I got discharged after my transplant I was scared that if I done too much something would happen ( I lived alone) and I wouldn't be able to get help whereas in hospital I felt safe with my team around me and I had my lovely physios to take me for walks every day. I was scared of the stairs taking a shower and going out. Eventually I did give myself a shake because after all the care I had in hospital I wasn't helping myself to basically my life back and it was then I got my stick and walked a wee bit every day till my confidence started to come back. I am sure Ralph, once he settles back home will will be very determined to start walking again and with every step he will want to do more, with yourself to help and encourage him I am sure he will want to try and do as much as he can by himself. Take care char x
Thanks for the update Sue, and the photo. It is early days for you both to get used to Ralph being at home and finding what works well and what doesn't. It will get easier as time goes by and confidence grows. All the Best to you Both, look forward to the next update. Jan xx
I'm glad to hear he's home and from the pho to, delighted to be there but I suspect he's feeling lost without all he physio input and scared to try things in case he gets taken back in. If after a week he's still not doing enough , ring the hospital for advice. Maybe he needs some physio at home just to get him moving and improve his confidence. It's a massive change for both of you. Make certain you get enough sleep and try to stop worrying. You are not his nurse or doctor - call on the professionals for help. Once he's come round a bit I'm sure he will realise it's down to him now. Can your gP not prescribe liquidised meals for a while to take one of the jobs away for now?
What fabulous news to have Ralph home again. Take care of yourself. He needs you. It will take a while to get used to be back too his own surroundingsHe bound to be very nervous without all the hospital support
hi Sue, thank you for the update and the photo - Ralph looks really happy. It’s wonderful news that he is home.
I completely understand your current focus. My husband had open heart surgery last year followed by complications afterwards. When he got home, I found any messages I needed to get through (like walking around) were only acted upon if I could get a medical professional to relay them. We did have a cardiac nurse allocated for a while and she was excellent. So it’s great that you are getting good support.
I agree with everyone else - take time out for you. Get outside in the garden even if it’s to sit in the shade with a good book.
Really glad to hear from you and to see Ralph home ! He's probably just getting used to being at home, but tell him if he sits down too much he'll get a sore bum ! Also tell him we did not all route for him while he was in hospital just for him to sit down all day at home I'd try and get a routine going of regular walks - same as he was doing in hospital ( and maybe leave his book/drink/paper a bit further away so he has to move to get them , but that's the old physio speaking!)
So glad to hear Ralph is home, you must both be over the moon..
Being a carer is incredibly hard work, it's scary, it's a 24/7 job without help or any real medical knowledge if a problem crops up.
Please reach out/accept any help/support family/friends/neighbours are able to give or want to give, this will help you help Ralph more without wearing yourself down. But most of all, be kind to yourself, you're an amazing person x
Awe, don’t be hard on him just yet, he has been through such a huge ordeal and coming home is going to take a lot of getting used to. He will also start processing what has happened to him these past months and it will be hard to come to terms with and move on from it. Being in a coma and losing chunks out of your memory must be so hard to deal deal with. Anyways that’s enough of my lecturing, it’s great news that he is back home and he looks so much better than I expected. One day at a time your over the worst part Ralph its now up to you to get yourself as fit as possible and Sue get yourself half an hour or so in the garden for some fresh air cause you need to keep yourself healthy as well. Wishing yourselves all the very best xx
NO YOU ARE NOT. You've been a complete rock while he's been in hospital and now you're scared and you're worn out. You've had a massive responsibility thrown at you and you are worried sick about the future and whether you're doing things right and frustrated that he's not apparently making an effort. He's scared too although he won't admit it. He will probably benefit from a kick up the bum from a physio because if he's anything like my husband he won't listen to you. I remember how scared I was after my heart attack- nothing compared to what you two have been through. I was petrified of even walking down the drive on my own. I needed someone with me all the time - just in case! It will take time for him to get his confidence back without all the medical support around him. Please talk to your GP about yourself as well as him.
Great to see Ralph back at home. It must be quite an upheaval for him being out of the routine of the hospital after all this time. He'll take a while to find his feet (and get out from underneath yours 🤣). It is also a new type of worry, schedule and responsibility for you both.
Look at what you both have overcome already to get this far and you will continue to achieve yet more.
So nice to see a smiling Ralph home with you 😊 I found it hard when I came out of hospital and felt ill with infections, its very easy to sit in a chair or bed and feel sorry for yourself when there's no physio nagging you to get moving. It probably took me 5-6 days to realise its only me that can get me stronger. My husband wants to fetch everything for me and I've had to explain I need to do more for myself. I've slowly been do extra rounds in the garden to build my strength up and am getting stronger every day but it is hard to get yourself in the right frame of mind. So don't feel guilty about giving him little (or big ) pushes to be more independent sometimes it take a little while to realise we can do it .
Hopefully as he gets more settled at home he becomes more positive you have both been though so much xxx
Well, what a lovely photo of your dear and heroic Ralph, and endless congratulations to him that he's made it home.
Tied for top place, is you. Equal congratulations to you too, with your untiring love that's brought him back.
You are not literally helpless, you're the key to Ralph being home. A thousand per cent help-FULL. I do think though, that expecting a spouse, at the age we are (I'm the same age as you) as the sole alternative to nursing home care, is completely unrealistic. Of course you can hear yourself expressing what you see and what you can cope with, but that's as ok, as it is for Ralph to feel a bit rooted to the spot while this huge transition takes place. He may even be afraid he falls over and ends up back in hospital, and so is demonstrating a wobbly resistance to start with.
Neither of you is wrong. They should have thought of this, done an assessment and put some transitional care plan in place to cover both of you. Some carer help with Ralph and home help for you, including meals on wheels for you, and cleaning help. You can't and mustn't do it all.
It must be beyond amazing having Ralph back beside you 24/7 but would a new double bed with single mattress space each enable you to stretch out and relax at night too, because it's all vitally important. You've been through the mill as well and until Ralph's had time to reacclimatise, you need assistance as well. It's key to being able to build on where you are and maintain it.
Never ever feel bad for observing yourself. You have only said what should have been intuited by the pros before you left, but "feelings" don't come into it in hospitals. Just body parts. You stand your ground my heroic, inspirational friend. You're Worth It!! XX
He certainly looks well in the picture maybe he even looks better than you do at the moment with all the running about you are doing
I must say what you are telling him he needs to do is the right thing and you are strong in making sure to the best of your ability you are pushing him to do it so well done and keep going you are not nagging you are doing what you need to do to make sure he has the best recovery he can have
I hope soon he will be making you a cup of tea while you have a rest and if you keep doing what you are I think he will be x
Hi Sue, there's a lot of change for both of you to get used to after so many months essenially both living a different version of a 'hospital life'. It's going to take awhile to settle into a 'home routine' again together.After any significant period in hospital or a rehab hospital, people become 'Institutionalised'. They become more dependent, less independent and it's natural for them to expect everything to come to them & be done for them, just like it has every day in hospital. I think it's partly subconscious really. The nurses do checks & bring meds, the kitchen staff cook, puree & bring meals, the cleaners clean and make the beds, the physios come to run through exercises. But it's important to recognise that each staff member is doing their own one job, yet at home, you're probably now doing ALL those jobs yourself. Not to mention sorting out mail, phone calls, bills and hopefully looking after and feeding yourself too! And all you really want is to be able to sit and relax and enjoy the company of your husband, potter in the garden or catch up with a friend.
It's normal to feel overwhelmed, frustrated or cranky with the situation, but it's important to be kind to yourself. Yes Ralph is home which is wonderful! But at the same time, you're overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted. I understand, my mum was in and out of hospital with long stays frequently and each time she came home it took several weeks to reset back to a normal home routine where she felt able to do things for herself again. She even wanted all her meals at the hospital meal times!
If you can get help for cleaning/laundry etc that could help a bit. Also any home delivered, premade or frozen meals for yourself to save you cooking. I know Ralph needs puree, so did my mum sometimes. I used to make a big batch of things to puree, which would last a few days. Mashed potato was the easiest veggie, often I did carrot with it too. Frozen peas cooked for 30secs in a bit of water in the microwave are also then quick to mash with a fork. I'd also buy the supermarket baby food fruit puree, it's tasty actually! (But I never found a tasty veggie or meat one) Mince was ok for mum, that was the easiest meat for her. Yoghurt was good too because you can just buy it, but it depends if he's allowed yoghurt or if it's too thin.
You will get through this new settling in phase and find routines that work for you. Remember to ask for help from family and friends and take it easy on yourself, you've been through so much.
Most importantly, make sure you do make time to sit and rest, have some quality time with Ralph, watch tv, go out in the garden or catch up with a friend.
Thanks for the update. Please make sure you get some rest too you have to keep your strength up too. Enjoy having Ralph home too. Hope you find a routine that works for both of you and enables you to enjoy each others company.Hugs and prayers.
Thanks for the update. Lovely to see a photo of Ralph. I hope that as you get into a routine things will settle down and get easier for you. I can’t imagine how exhausted you must be both mentally and physically. Start making time for you. I expect Ralph is nervous of walking at home without the back up of the hospital. Hopefully he will start to do more walking as his confidence grows. Take care x
Welcome Home, Ralph. I understand it will be hard going for a while until you both get into a routine. Hopefully he will be motivated to start living life again now he's had a week to acclimatise. Best wishes to you both - try to take some time just for you. 🌺
Oh dear .. great to see Ralph is home at last good to put a face to the name. Sounds like you have got things organised at home now Sue but I understand your frustration with Ralph not making the effort to walk more steps. Maybe he needs a talking to by the hospital physio perhaps that would help. Best wishes going forward xx
Good morning... fabulous to see Ralph home and looking so well after what he's been through and though it will be a relief that he's home but it will be so stressful for both of you in different ways. I think with Ralph he will be feeling very strange. The hospital has been his 'home' for some time and he has got so used to the routine there and what happens on a daily basis with doctors, nurses, physio, meal times etc . I think there is a big psychological thing when a person first comes home from hospital, especially after being so poorly and this happened with my self after my four weeks in hospital and with my partner after his massive cancer surgery followed by infection. When you first come home you feel very vulnerable not being in the safety of that environment incase something happens. It's a strange feeling and it took me a good couple of weeks to feel confident at home as it did with my partner. My medicines were a few tablets to be taken morning and evening...my partners medical things took over the whole of the utility room and lounge where he was based. After day one of him being home I was exhausted...from recovering myself plus looking after him and basically waiting on him hand and foot.... medicines taken at different times , food pureed, fed little and often throughout the day, washing him , helping him get dressed, making sure his stomach pipes were flushed ...the district nurses called daily to change his dressings and to check on him which gave me half an hour's relief at least to have a cuppa and sit down in peace. It was very difficult trying to motivate him to exercise or to do anything...he wouldn't listen to me so I had a quiet word with one of the nurses who sat and explained the importance of the exercising and trying to do things for himself...magic wand...I think because she was medically trained he saw that as a voice of authority and knowledge he started doing little things. I got into the new daily routine and so did he and though still a big worry, it got easier as the days went by. Then we had his after surgery chemo to deal with but we were ok with that as he'd had pre op chemo as well so we knew what to expect. Hang in there...it will get easier and less frustrating but the big thing with you is to make sure you take a couple of times out for yourself each day...it's a must do for your own sanity. Our ray of sunshine is that after 15 months my partner is doing so well now and is in a much better place than any of us thought he would be. It is all a massive struggle initially...stay as strong as you have been, look after Ralph in the areas that you need to look after him but insist that he needs to make his own efforts as well.....remember...this is a joint journey but your well being is as important as Ralph's. You are doing a marvellous job with him but make sure you do one on yourself too. All the best and please take care xxx
So pleased Ralph is home, I’ve followed your story from the start, it’s been scary, heartening and all sorts in between. What I’ve taken from it, is your love and determination to get Ralph out of hospital and back to some form of normality. You should be so proud of yourself and Ralph too of course.
Let’s get back to Ralph. Keep nagging him, it is all down to him at the end of the day, but a good nagging is what us men need to get motivated. I suggest that you also have a quiet word with the health professionals when they see him, to reinforce the self motivation thing. It’s like teachers and kids, they often listen more and follow a teacher’s instructions rather than the parents. I’ve been a follower of the great explorer/adventurer, Ranulph Feinnes, he says it is not his strength and physical training that achieves the goals, it’s the self motivation and determination
I wish you all the best and keep us up to date with progress; oh and more importantly get some time for yourself, you so deserve it
Just give him a few days yet. I know from experience that just getting home takes it out of you, and you struggle more than you did in hospital. Things you did in hospital seem impossible. It takes a bit to adjust. Can you get any help, eg having a District nurse come in a couple of times a day, or respite via social services? Otherwise you will go down and then you are both in real trouble. With best wishes
Great news so pleased for you. I can understand how frustrated you feel but it’s early days and he’s been through so much, you both have. Hopefully he’s just adjusting to being home and relaxing possibly processing it all. I should think it’s had an enormous effect on him mentally, of course you also and it takes time to adjust.
Encourage ( nag him that’s what women have to do) take each day as it comes some days will be better than others be kind to yourselves, try to get him to sit in the garden with you and enjoy the sunshine🌞 being outside will improve his mental health as well as yours.
Give yourself breaks you need them so you can care for Ralph and to look after yourself, being a carer is hard work so don’t forget to take care of yourself also. Maybe keep a little diary of his progress and your thoughts, how you are feeling. Sometimes writing it down having a little vent helps us to process everything. Do remember it’s early days and you have both been through so much together, but he’s home and I’m sure will soon be strong enough to ponder in the garden and able to go out on little excursions with you. I wish you both well and look forward to your next update on this incredible journey 🤞🤞🙏 it will be you telling us of what you have both been up to, in the garden, having a coffee somewhere nice, shopping etc. Take care ❤️🤗😊🌞X
Morning Sue and Ralph so pleased for both of you and love the photo, Sue take time for you now and tell Ralph that you are happy to have him home but you are going to have to be a bit tough on him lol and if he wants to be out in his garden for the summer he has to do his walking, look forward to seeing a picture of both of you from the garden soon sending you big hugs 🤗
Please don’t hate yourself ❤️. You really are the engine room. You keep nagging , (I’d call it supporting) . Your resolve, strength and love to support Ralph is absolutely pivotal to his recovery. Thank you for sharing.
It is so wearing having to be the disciplinarian. Nagging is not fun and sours everyone’s mood.
However, you are spot on. You running round like a blue a*sed fly and him sitting in his chair(and he doesn’t like football so can’t use that excuse but might develop a keen interest in tennis?!) is going to end up with you having a breakdown or getting ill from stress and him having pressure sores on his bottom and losing most of the progress he made in the hospital.
A lot of people in the hospital put a great deal of effort into getting him literally back on his feet. He showed he was determined and courageous when he has professionals to encourage him. You’ve given him the weekend to get his head in gear ready for the next stage of his recovery-which is now much more down to him and his inner determination.
Sadly you may have to keep being strong and strict for a while until he has got himself used to actively participating in life as much as possible and being your partner in this rather than being your patient.
Pressure sores are no fun -my aged mother in law refuses to get out of her familiar chair often enough and ended up having her pressure sores treated. Undignified and uncomfortable!
He looks so well, amazing when you think about everything.You're right you can't be doing everything and then not getting a good night's sleep , but it's also understandable that he might need time to just get used to being at home.
Although it's his house and he will love being back the change in routine and all the daily upheaval of following orders in hospital , plus the disruption of discharge will have made him really fatigued now he's not living on adrenaline.
Keep him doing some activity each day but you might need to give him a few weeks settling in time to be working at the speed he was in the hospital.
Have they arranged Physiotherapy to continue?
It might be a number of months before he's really up to moderate activity and he's going to have to pace his daily activity pretty slowly at first .
It would be useful for you to consider getting Social Care to arrange someone to come in and help with cleaning or other jobs for a month. Not because you can't do it yourself but because it's just practical to get as much help as you can to keep your energy for looking after the patient and yourself.
And get the family or friends together and work out a schedule so that they can come and visit to keep an eye on Ralph so that you get a little time to rest on your own or even have a daily nap or a walk ( remember that's relaxation time not to catch up on cleaning) . Ask others to help with other things like picking things up , shopping , lifts . If you all split the jobs up each week it will be easier on you but won't be inconvenient for them because they'll only be doing their bit for a few hours each , and I'm sure they'd be happy to help you.
Baby steps but he will get there , you've both done so incredibly well , you are both an inspiration to us all. Big hugs , Bee
Lovely Ralph is home. But keep nagging and be blunt tell if he wants you to die first carry on as he is and be selfish. If he takes no notice refuse to make him do anything even making him a drink or give him any help. Make yourself one and drink it in front of him. He knows he can do more but won't.
He needs a wake up call he's lucky to be alive . I know of 2 carers who put their spouses first one refused to have an operation so he died first and his wife ended up in a home bedridden and lots of bed sores. Other had to to have his wife put into a home as he couldn't cope anymore but he was nearly 90 and struggled on his own for 6 years.
My own health suffered looking after others but I was 59 when my mom died after she lived with me for last 18 months. She had cancer and dementia.
Tough love is hard but you have to do it . I did it with my husband that was making him stop driving because he was going blind from the brain tumour. Plus stopping him working. You would have thought an atomic bomb went off.
While my mom still could do things I got her to do them even when the dementia made her forget what to do. So I showed her how to do things and she beamed when she did it. I exercised her limbs when she became bedridden which made her giggle. There where awful times the last 4 months where hell on earth as she became violent. But it wasn't my mom . And I couldn't put her in a home .
But you are older than me and you need to look after yourself. Because believe me when I say it cost me healthwise. But I would do it all again . You can't change who you are .
So point out to Ralph if he doesn't walk he will end up back in hospital and or a home and you won't have him home again. You both know he can do things . He needs a 🚀. This sounds harsh but I am talking from experience. After mom's funeral I became ill . Just thought life had caught up with me and it made my disability worse. What I didn't realise and couldn't see I was yellow and had jaundice. Seriously ill for 5 months only when my gastrologist is me did he tell me people with my bilirubin levels normally died. It was my wake up call my life had to change.
I would hate anyone to have a wake up call like that. The worst thing once in my life I needed someone with me 24/7 and there was no one. I had never been frightened being on my own since my husband died until then and I was terrified.
Thankfully I changed my life and never been happier. Even the estrangement with my son hasn't damped that . As nothing hurts me more than my husband dieing 20 years ago.
So tough love is needed . And please take care of yourself.
Hi it’s nice to see Ralph at home. I don’t know if this is how it is to him but I’m great walking about indoors pottering about but once I’m outside it’s exhausting walking it’s like every step feels heavier and my breathing is ten times worse but I still try and get out. I don’t know if it’s the surface or what it is. Maybe it’s a struggle for him outside especially has he’s still recovering but you’re right he has to try and do it. Ask him if it feels different outside than walking in the hospital. I don’t know if they took him for walks outside.
You’re doing a brilliant job sorting his meds and making sure everything is in place and from what you’ve written he does have to do more to improve his life x
He looks well Sue 😮😊, but I get what you mean about his not doing much, that isn't good. Don't beat yourself up about nagging him. I'm sure you don't want to end up being his full time carer, and isn't fair of him to expect you to be. Stay strong x
Ralph must be scared witless at the moment though - terrified of moving in case anything breaks or blocks - many folk have said, and I totally agree, to ask any medic that arrives to point out that staying immobile is really not a good idea. I got my husband a set of pedals from Amazon that he could use whilst seated and I could lift them (3KG?) onto the table for him to exercise his arms. Get help for such ordinary things like cleaning, laundry, cooking - your friends will be pleased to be asked for help (do not be proud - you'd do it for them) and you can spread the load of chores around to ease the 'request' issue. Beyond a doubt you must have 10 minutes, but preferably 1/2 hour to yourself by yourself each and every day. Been there, done that and it makes such a difference. If medics can't persuade him by the middle of next week I think a rocket, screaming fit, is called for but he must be so frightened right now. As to your guilt trip? You've been and will continue to be an angel. Well done but also well done for blowing a fuse - better than bottling it up. End of lecture! Love and hugs.
Hi, you must be so exhausted and well done to the both of you for reaching this goal. I know you also wanted him home. It is a big shift for both of you and will need time to adjust. For you, working towards this for him, you have had a traumatic few months (how long is it?). For Ralph he has now to adjust to 'Oh boy, this is not how I used to be at home, I have lost so much...' - it is like reality hits home at home because you can see how different your life is now. Lots of emotions. In hospital you are not so face-to-face with this reality. Men don't share emotions readily either which makes it more tricky and more inclined to stuff them down and feel low or demotivated/ loss of energy. He can't even talk in his normal voice so vocalising how he feels is trickier I guess.... Just some thoughts. I do understand your frustration though 100%. In an ideal world as you are both traumatized by the whole experience, some kind of counselling would be helpful. Talking of which, there are places that offer free counselling for carers. Just my thoughts. And thank you for the lovely photo!
What an amazing picture! So lovely to see him home at last! Just pace yourselves, it will take time to adjust. As others have said, I expect he’s nervous about doing too much too soon, without the backup he had in hospital. Think of it as similar to bringing a new baby home from hospital- seems endless and daunting at first, but after a couple of weeks you get in a routine!
At the moment I would imagine Ralph is just grateful he has reached sanctuary after months of trauma. It is less than a week since he got back so let him enjoy the relief of being back in familiar surroundings then perhaps try to get into some sort of new routine next week.
Is he able to walk to specific locations close by? A coffee Shop? A general shop? Anything to give him something to aim for.
I totally agree with this! I've had 2 major operations in the last 2 years and both times, when I got back to my sister's for convalescence, I found it a bit overwhelming and felt a lot more tired than when I'd been in hospital - and I hadn't been through a tenth of what Ralph had to endure. My sister kindly tried to take me for walks round the block, increasing the distance every day, but couldn't understand why I walked so slowly and had to stop for frequent rests - honestly, I was exhausted!
Of course, Ralph must get back on his feet as soon as he can - he can't rely on you wearing yourself to a frazzle forever - but as devonian186 says, it hasn't been a week yet. I think your idea of having him walk up and down the garden next week, doing a few more steps every day, is great, as he'll be close to the security of the house if it gets too much, and if we get the sun back, perhaps sitting outside in the fresh air will help him feel a bit more 'normal' and reconnected to his former life after all those weeks in hospital.
Once I started feeling better, having a goal really helped me - walking down to the shop at the end of the road to buy a newspaper or having a gentle walk round the garden centre with a stop for coffee (having travelled there by car) made exercise a lot more enjoyable and meant that I had a distraction from worrying about how tired I was feeling, whether I might faint if I overdid it etc.
And of course, you must take care of yourself - you've been through a horrible mental and emotional ordeal too, and will also be going through a period of recovery. All best wishes to you both. xx
Good to see Ralph is home but a lot of work for you. I sympathise with you as I went through similar with my late husband. I got carers in just to give me a break and suggest you do the same even just once a day to sort his lunch out and give you chance to put your feet up. Find out if your area have a carers support group, the one in my area was great with support, advice and even got a half price massage once a month. Accept any help offered, you need it. I’m surprised you weren’t offered The Reablement service which I understood was offered to anyone coming out of hospital, they help with whatever is needed and to establish a routine, they will probably be more insistent on Ralph building up his walking as well.
Remember you need to look after YOU or you won’t be in a fit state to look after Ralph. Very best wishes
Ralph in hospital all this time, not aware of what's happening a lot of the time, and you just being so strong visiting him regularly and willing him back !! Now that long journey in the hospital is over, and he is home. All of a sudden a lot of the responsibility for Ralph's care and safety falls on you!! This is a huge transition for both of you.
Ralph is used to a hospital routine where a team of experts are constantly monitoring him and encouraging him to do certain things to aid his recovery. It's a lot easier in a hospital setting because it is safe!! If anything happens there are staff on hand to help.
Now that he is home, that support network is gone and it must feel quite daunting for him,if not a bit scary.
You, on the other hand, want the best for him, and are encouraging him to be a wee bit more independent, and do some light exercise.
Maybe he is scared incase something happens?
It just might take a wee while for him to build up his confidence.
You need to have sone time for you too!! If you have and good friends, family, or neighbours that would sit with Ralph for a while, it might help if you got out on your own for a bit?
Is there a team you can speak to at the hospital who would be able to listen and support you with your thoughts and concerns? Cardio rehab?
I'm sure you will get through this , it's just going to take time.
Talking together about your feelings will help ( if Ralph will do that) maybe I'd he tells you how he feels you can better understand his reluctance to exercise? Worth a try.
I wish you all the best
From one cabg patient to another, it's a long road but eventually you get there. Xx
Wow I think Ralph needs to read my reply which is as follows:- I know my condition is not as serious as yours Ralph but I had a HA in Oct’22 and stented etc.On release from hospital I adopted a lifestyle of being a lazy devil and allowed my wife of 54yrs to run after me like a blue arsed fly whilst I sat all day putting weight on to register as obese.My wife became exhausted and suffered extreme back trouble and ended up with a near breakdown.Hey ho after realising what an inconsiderate selfish man I had become I decided to make immediate changes and exercised daily,helped with housework when possible,took trips out with my wife and generally relieved my dear caring wife from being an unpaid skivvy ! Not only have I got back to a healthy weight my once high blood pressure is now normal and I am back to being an equal partner within the marital relationship.Your wife has been a tower of strength through this entire period of your illness and doesn’t deserve being run into the ground and then what would or could you do ?Its hard when a patient leaves a long hospital stay as insecurity can prevail and not having people around you doing everything for you comes as a shock.Its now time to kick start a new beginning and get well doing all you can do to help yourself. We on this forum have read with interest and admiration your lovely wife’s journey during these difficult times and I wish you both a long happy future xx
Good morning Sue. Amazing to see Ralph home. Huge step for both of you, but you must take care of yourself too. Take all the help you can get and definitely get outside too. Sending lots of love. Keep asking for help. Xxxx
Loving the shirt Ralph !! and it’s great to see you home xx BUT you now need a kick up the bum 🤦🏼♀️ xx
I am a retired ITU nurse and realise how hard it is for Sue. I have nursed my dad , MIL, mum & husband at home & it’s a totally different situation, however much you love & care for someone. As a nurse the shift, however bad, came to an end, there was always the back up of colleagues and I went home to my loving family - as a carer it’s 24 hrs, fitting in all the roles that other people do in hospital, while feeling very unsure at times whether I was doing right or doing my best. Not to mention the emotional strain & tiredness. I know I did all I could & would do it all again but it is not easy. Sue you are a trooper and have taken on a massive role and you realise you can’t fall into the trap of doing everything for Ralph. As others have said, get one of the professionals to talk to him about mobilising etc.
Ralph, if nagging my husband could bring him back I’d be expert at it - now walk outside and smell the roses 💕
I am so happy that Ralph is home now. I totally understand how you are feeling, because I am going through similar with my husband who has recently been discharged. We do have carers in and they are very good, however I still have to fill in during the night. Last night (early today) we had a 2.30 am delivery of a new oxygen machine because the other one gave up the ghost. There I was in my nightwear trying to get stuff organised. Please ask for help, there is a lot out there for you. Best wishes, and remember to look after yourself as well. Marianne. x
Hi Sue Our prayers have been answered and Ralph is at last home how great is that. I think it is not uncommon that interest is lost my hubby is the same after having a heart attack March 2023 and being in hospital waiting for triple by-pass he completely lost interest in everything and was quite happy just to sit reading his book all day!! It is only recently he has more interest in things our allotment for instance, I am sure Ralph will be the same, I didn't realize how it can affect a person mentally and still hubby has not really come to terms with what happened, before he always thought he was a relatively fit person. It is hard at first to leave them on there own it will get easier trust me!! God bless to you both
Hello so glad your husband is now at home dear friend. He sounds like he is doing great and you are doing an outstanding job looking after him. Please may I say, with the utmost respect , that you are important too, and that you deserve a little support and a little break occasionally, because what you are doing is very difficult. Please be kind to yourself too. I like many have followed your posts from the beginning. So proud of you both. Please take carexxx
Don’t forget you need to think of yourself and be kind to yourself first so you are able to help him. My friend was in a similar situation when her husband came home from hospital after having quintuple bypass surgery with a lot of complications afterwards.
After he came home he was so scared to do anything for himself so she with advise from physiotherapist and his doctor made a list for him things he was capable to do every day. He complained about being told so he made himself a list and eventually they extended it and his recovery ❤️🩹 took off and he is doing well. It took long time, but I love to see them doing so well.
It isn’t easy especially at the beginning, but you two can definitely be successful.
It's wonderful to see that photo and to know that you have both achieved that goal of home again. However, I can quite see how frustrating it will be for you see Ralph apparently giving up on the effort side of it, while expecting you to continue working at full tilt, even more so.
On Ralph's behalf, one thing I do remember from one particularly long spell in hospital (just under a year, when I was aged 15- 16) When I finally got home again, everything seemed so, so strange - the rooms in our house seemed so tiny in comparison to the big ward with its high ceilings, but when I went outside, I was overwhelmed by the open spaces, traffic noise, etc.. Takes a while to find your place in things once more, both literally and emotionally.
- but, having said that, you've also been through the trauma - in some ways, even more so - and have to feel that it was all worthwhile. Would it be possible for one of the specialist nurses to sit down with the two of you, and help you set out some basic, achievable goals for each week or so? The nurse could perhaps help Ralph see that, so far, he's really only done half the job he needs to do, and still has to continue his fight, in order to make it all properly worthwhile. Nurse might also be able to arrange for a "sitter" to come and keep him company while you get some 'you' time once or twice a week. Of course, family or friends could do this - but make sure that they don't just come to visit and sit there, while you run around producing tea, coffee, etc.!
Good luck, please don't allow yourself to become even more stressed- it would do no good for either of you. 😉
Glad Ralph is home but understand the worry and pressure this puts on you. Make sure you get the support you need to - perhaps through a carers support group or charity. Are you able to access an NHS physio who can visit Ralph at home to encourage movement and exercise.
Wonderful news that Ralph is home now! However you are going to have to prioritise YOU sometimes, having him home needs a strong healthy wife! I do hope you can get some help to support you but the medical side of things seems to be working well. And don’t go fretting about being conscious of your nagging him - I bet it’s music to his ears. 🥰 love Sue 🙏
The home care that people suggested is not a bad idea and not a failure on your part. Perhaps, he is afraid to walk? Falling is a genuine concern. If they can send someone to help him get out there and move it would give you some time to yourself and likely make him stronger/aid his recovery. There is so much to do for someone who has gone through a health crisis. You need to take care of you too. It's not selfish. It's kind. Ralph needs you.
Happy that you have him back. All the best to you both.
I just saw this post & picture (it’s a while since the post as now November 2024) great photo & to put a face to a name - hoping everything is still going great for you both x
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I'd try and get a routine going of regular walks - same as he was doing in hospital ( and maybe leave his book/drink/paper a bit further away so he has to move to get them , but that's the old physio speaking!)
Next day update 
