encouraging someone to be active and enjoy live

[Gardengirl81]

hello, after a little advice as to how to help encourage my mum to be more active and to get out there and enjoy things. She can be quite sensitive so I have to tread carefully not to upset her but I’m feeling so frustrated with her. I under stand I’m not in her shoes and don’t know how it feels so thought here would be a good place to ask.

Some background, she’s in her early 70s and had a triple bypass about 12 years ago, did her cardiac rehab but never really committed to daily exercise. She eats healthy and is not overweight and doesn’t drink so sometimes I think she thinks that is enough. She has had a stent fitted a couple of years ago. She’s on a cocktail of drugs that help her - blood thinners, beta blockers etc. she had been more breathless over the last 12 months but had an angio and they found so blockages.

Her default answer to doing things seems to have become no or I don’t know if I’m up to it. Even my dad has started to answer that for her. I don’t know if they realise they are even dojng it. Her cardiologist has said he will see her again in 6 months to check again. I feel like this is now time to get back to regular walking and trying to make some improvements. Am I overstepping the mark though? She seems to not understand that for exercise to even be doing anything you have to get a little tired out from it.

I just want them to enjoy this part of their lives and their grand children and have fun together. But how do I encourage without crossing the line? I know the less she does the less she will be able to do!

what would you do?

thank you for reading I appreciate it.

[Steambunny]

My mum who is 82 joined U3A and it has given her a whole new lease of life. It’s sociable and supportive with the aim of helping elderly people stay active. Sometimes they go for a walk or a “pensioners special” lunch or they do something like skittles - so the degree of activity can be minimal or more as she gets out more? Would your mum do something like this? Maybe a local group could contact her?

[Deeb1764]

the issue you have is they probably don’t like to be told. Is there a way you can take them to say a garden centre and let them potter around and then maybe the next time take them where they might need to do a bit more of a walk. I call it stealth tactics! After my Mum had Cancer she was worried all The time but I found her some local coffee Places and craft sessions and she is now hooked. She is off and running around now at 84 and even gets on the local bus to get her into town for a small shop moment.

It’s finding things they like even cinema to get them rolling!

What you want is maybe not what they want and you have to allow them to live their lives the way they want even it’s frustrating but no doubt we will be like them when we hit that age!!🤣

[Dessert]

Maybe you could go for a walk with her ? And get one of the grandchildren to go with too. Also you could arrange a lunch with grandchildren etc at your parent’s house . Don’t forget that your mum knows her own body . Just because the Cardiologist has said there’s nothing wrong doesn’t mean there isn’t . Not to worry you, Just being practical. Also some people like to stay at home and enjoy being at home

You could do simple exercises at home with your mum and dad .

And sometimes when you’re not well you don’t want to go out ! I used to go ‘out and about ‘ before I fell ill. Now I prefer to be at home .

[Hidden in reply to Dessert]

All good suggestions👍.

Perhaps Gardengirl81 could persuade her Dad to get her Mum out and about with some walking (if he is able). Unless you live in an inner city and/or don't have a car most places are usually a reasonable distance away from somewhere where you can stretch your legs and enjoy the change of environment. And if no car as senior citizens they should have access to bus passes to get them places.

[Hidden]

Hello

I wonder if back to when she had her Bypasses 12 years ago if something registered in her mind she would be safer staying in and she has formed a habit of been mostly indoors and now fears what will happen if she starts going out a lot or walking we just never know what is going through someone's mind

They seem to be happy with the set up of been indoors and at their age I imagine not appreciating someone trying to make changes to their routine even though I totally understand where you are coming from

Have you ever sat down and spoke to them about how you worry that they are not getting enough exercise and how upset it makes you not seeing them enjoying life ?

It might be an idea rather than starting with let's go for a walk maybe let's go and visit someone , let's go for a ride out let's go to that nice quite pub and have a drink or a meal even so hopefully they can see what they might be missing and the more you get them out that way and your Mum realises she is up to going out then you can slowly as the weather gets better suggesting you go for a ride out and park up somewhere and say shall we just have a 5 minute walk but take things really slowly

Tell your Mum you would love her to come you miss her company and she would be doing you a favour , like reverse phycology kind of thing

If none of the suggestions work in your replies I think as frustrating and upsetting as it is you may have to accept this is what they want and there is nothing more you can do but you will always know you tried and that is the main thing

Good Luck and keep us updated especially if you make any progress x

[Gardengirl81]

thank you for all the suggestions some really good ideas. mum does go out for day to day things like the shopping, going to church, to see friends, have a coffee etc. I suppose it’s more the actively purposefully exercising she seems to be avoiding. I asked her and my dad to come for a walk on the beach with us over christmas, at first she said no she didn’t think she was up to it. But she did change her mind and came, she was perfectly fine, not breathless, not struggling and said She was glad she did, so i just wish she would do this more often. We see them regularly a couple of times of week and have tea together which she cooks for us all at the weekends. I think I will definitely suggest some more outdoor activities though. I think I need to get my dad to suggest more walks together too. I wonder sometimes if a healthcare professional could say it’s ok and normal to get out of breath while trying to exercise the penny might drop! And in fact if you aren’t getting a bit tired out and increasing your heart rate you aren’t really doing anything.

I really do take on board the points also about sometimes people want to stay home too. So thank you for that reminder everyone 😊

[devonian186 in reply to Gardengirl81]

It seems to me that your mum is already pretty active according to the list of things you mention. You seem to be concerned about her having a deliberate planned daily exercise regime. Why would your mum want that if she is already getting out and about and no doubt has little excursions you know nothing of?

[Harefieldfan]

I’d suggest joining the local U3A. It’s great. Lots of activities from discussion groups to music and arts to walking and sports. Website: U3A.org.uk to find a u3a nearby. It’s been my lifeline! Good luck!

[Flimflab]

I think BeKind comments reflected my mothers attitude after her heart attack 20 years ago which was not followed by cardio rehabilitation classes. Even walking she was worried she was wearing out her heart.

My mother and mother-in-law (MIL) also had stents and would also not be seen doing exercise (i.e. planned, structured, and repetitive activity). However my MIL does enough physical activity walking to friends, gardening etc to be physically fit and I do not have concerns that she does not doe structured exercise. Probably my benchmark for her is is she doing around 8-9,000 steps a day.

The movement on line to meet friends or for U3A has caused the greatest reduction in walking for my MIL

My concern for them would be more strength rather than aerobic exercise as I can see them both loosing muscle strength as the years go by. I am not sure if aerobic exercise that gets them breathless would be a significant benefit in their late eighties.

I agree with the recommendations you have hade, and if you can find something they enjoy, and can build into their everyday routine that would be great.

I look forward to hearing how you get on.