So it’s that time of year again where I feel that mix of emotions - my youngest child is turning 2!
I find her birthday brings happiness, seeing her grow and thrive; but also I feel tremendous guilt because she was born 8 weeks prematurely because of me. I carry it with me, this responsibility for her being so small and doll-like (she’s only recently gone into 12-18 months clothing)!
I know it was for a genuine reason (I lost nearly 10% of my heart function in a week) and I know that we both could’ve had a far worse outcome if I had made a different choice.
I know it’s irrational to worry about all the what ifs but I just can’t help it.
Within 24 hours after she was born she nearly died when her lung collapsed - I had felt uneasy before I went to bed that night, I woke to the phone ringing at the nurses desk and before they entered my room, I knew that the call was for me. At that point, they couldn’t even tell me whether my daughter was still alive and by the time I got to her I had completely lost all the feeling in my legs!
I spent weeks tending to her during her stay in NICU, I was there early in the morning until late at night.
Overall, she was strong and after our initial bumpy start she went from strength to strength; she really is my little miracle and I’m so so grateful that she didn’t end up with any lasting impact from her early arrival.
Are there any other hearties who have experienced a similar situation and how did you cope with it?
Thank you for reading.
Best wishes
Soap 🧼
Written by
MummaSoap
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Bless you, of course it wasn't your fault that she was born early. Fate made that decision, just as it did with giving you a heart that wasn't quite perfect and we have no control over fate. Nevertheless it must have all been really traumatic for you.
I hope others, who may have experienced something similar, will answer your post.
I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I don’t have children of my own however, please don’t blame yourself. You were placed in a very difficult position in having to deliver her early but you shouldn’t feel guilty. I know that’s easier said than done. I really admire your courage and I hope it sees you through on both yours, and your daughters journey!
Congrats in reaching another milestone with your daughter.
Sending you all of my best wishes and also wishing your daughter an early Happy Birthday too 🥳🎈
Haha, the cake has been baked (and shortly to be decorated) by me - I’ll take a photo of the final product and let you decide for yourself if you still want a slice 😂
It’s one of those situations where neither outlook was really appealing to me but the early birth was the more satisfactory of the 2 options.
The alternative was to try and wait it out for another week with a far greater likelihood of delivering under general anaesthetic and therefore my partner not being in the room at the moment she was born and me being unconscious. My fear of something happening to her and being “alone” (in terms of parental comfort) was just completely unacceptable to me.
I thought at the time that I had made peace with my choice but it keeps coming back to haunt me, even though if asked today my choice would be exactly the same - I frustrate myself with the silliness of it, especially when I know the reality is it was really out of my control.
It certainly wasn't your fault. As Mum would say (and I hate that I'm quoting her) it was god's plan, he knows what he is doing, you might not understand why but that's okay he does. (You might not be religious I'm not just don't tell Mum, but I like to believe that everything I've been through is planned out and I'll get through it)
My godson was born 10 weeks early, my best friend Bec had her baby at home in the bathroom when they got to the hospital my godson was straight into the NICU, for 8 weeks. He is now 1 and a bit (15 months I think) he is in 9/12 mths clothes and isn't walking but he is loved and happy.
Happy birthday to your Daughter (August baby's are the best 😁)
We’ll keep it our secret; mum’s the word 🤣 It’s a very good point though.
Oh bless him, he sounds very well loved and as you say, happy. My daughter is the same, she has taken everything in her stride and I honestly couldn’t be more proud of her!!
Well I have a daughter and my mum with August birthdays so I’m inclined to agree 😁
I agree entirely, it is mother’s guilt. I’m terribly hard on myself when it comes to my children.
I think that’s part of my problem; I never feel like I’m good enough and not just as a mum so it becomes this internal dialogue that goes on and it’s exhausting.
That’s wonderful that your children speak openly with you about their troubles, I really hope that I can create that kind of openness with my children, especially once they get older.
What a wonderful positive to take from your horrible ordeal; I need to try and do this and find my positives.
Yes, I’ll certainly look forward to telling her just how strong and brave she was and is; and how proud I am of her as I am of all of them 🥰
Wow, you were part of a miracle.Mixed feelings are not irrational, and because we are parents if we feel that anything happened to our children our brains seem to instinctively tend to feelings of guilt , even if we have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
It can be worse as a Mother especially if something happened that was outside your control in childbirth.
There are so many children whom are born prematurely for various reasons and just as you wouldn't blame those Mothers you shouldn't blame yourself.
What is good is that you recognise those feelings happen to you each year and that you find a way to control the feelings and bring yourself back to positive feelings. And there is so much to be positive and proud of yourself for.
The point is you carried your daughter to a point that she was born and has had chance to live and thrive.
You are both alive and your daughter was strong and able to fight from her early start because you looked after yourself well during your pregnancy and she was developing well, that means that miracle was down to you.
Your devotion and the contact she had with you in NICU will have also given her the connection and love she needed to win her fight.
You did all of that despite also coping with recovering from a serious heart problem yourself , which means you are an absolute hero!
Thank you for your lovely words, I really appreciate it.
I have to be honest and say that I’m not sure I have found a way to control them; I think I just manage to push it all to the back of my mind for most of the year and then in the weeks leading up to here birthday, it’s become unmanageable.
That time spent with her in NICU really did feel like I was making a difference and helped with the guilt and difficulty of leaving her each night - no one prepares you for that!!
That’s very kind of you to say, I don’t feel like a hero but I really appreciate your sentiment, thank you very much 🥰
Happy Birthday to your little miracle, Soap. I don't have children but I don't know one single wonderful Mother who doesn't feel guilt for some reason or another, I think it's just part of being a Mum. You made an incredibly difficult decision under incredibly difficult circumstances and it was the right decision. You really should be proud of yourself and your darling little daughter. She's growing up and going from strength to strength and she wasn't born early 'because of you', she was born early because this was the best decision you could make. Again, many congratulations to you both. (Looking forward to seeing that cake!) 😀😍
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes for my little miracle. Unfortunately she’s not very well and has a temperature that just doesn’t want to shift but she’s been able to open a few presents today; we’re going to try again tomorrow.
Your kind words really are so appreciated, thank you!
The cake was a bit of a debacle 😂🤦🏻♀️ I’m going to try again to decorate it tonight so we’ll see how it goes but we made do with a bought cake for today.
Awww, poor wee soul - hopefully she'll be feeling better soon and gets to enjoy her birthday properly. When my nephews & nieces were very young I made few of their cakes for them now and again. I made a Ninja Turtle, a Barbie bed (made the cakes for those ones and used roll-out icing which I bought and coloured) and a really big caterpillar (bought the big swiss roll cake for that one). They looked ridiculous, but the kids loved them. 😂😅😍
I remember how much I loved the cakes my mum made me growing up- one year she made me a pink princess castle cake and it’s definitely my all time favourite cake!
😂 You're so right, Soap, my now 32-yr old niece still talks about her 5th birthday Barbie Bed cake! Although how they managed to eat it is beyond me, I'm a hopeless baker! 😂🤣
Hi,I didn't know I had heart trouble when I had my son,I was 29yrs I am now 77yrs and have heart trouble but that's another story, my son was born 8 weeks prem and and his lungs weren't developed and everyone said he wouldn't make it,he was baptised and we were waiting for him to die,I had him by cesarean and was ill myself so couldn't see him,anyway after he was baptised he suddenly took to the breathing machine and fought for his life ,he did survive but was always tiny and frail looking,he is now 45 and 6ft tall very strong and has no side effects of his birth,so please stop worrying your daughter will be fine,don't blame yourself just enjoy her while she's young, all the best x
Gosh, what an emotive story; it must’ve been incredibly difficult for you!! I imagine you’re both incredibly strong as a result of the journey you went on together and I’m SO pleased to hear that it ended happily 😁
My pregnancy with my son is believed to be what triggered my dilated cardiomyopathy and I then went on to have my eldest daughter without knowing about it then either but circumstances meant that she was delivered via C-section and I’ve been told several times that if I’d had a natural birth at the local midwife run maternity unit a second time, it’s likely that the outcome would have been disastrous for me. So I often count myself lucky with how things turned out!
Thank you for sharing your experience and for your lovely words, I really appreciate it.
Oh bless you. Far from it bring your fault, your wisdom and care during your pregnancy and beyond has given your daughter the best of starts.I don't have your experience. But, my niece was born 3 lb 12. In special care unit for what felt like forever. So, so tiny and fragile. And so hard for her parents. She is now 16. And 5 foot 9. She is beautiful and robust physically, mentally, emotionally and gives her parents as much grief as the next teenager. 😆
Ahhh bless you♥️. One of my daughters was born early, 6 weeks, and during my whole pregnancy and after I was healthy. She’s tall and I’m short and she turned 40 on Sunday.
Many babies come early for all reasons. It’s not your fault at all. She made it through and although she’s tiny she’s a fighter and a blessing, and it’s all because of you. Continue to cherish and love her. Happy 2nd birthday little one🎂
You are a good loving mother who wants the best for her child. Stop listening to that negative voice in your head that says you could have done or do better! Does that voice ever tell you when you've done well? No? I thought not. Celebrate your little ones birthday and the challenges you have both been through and made it. Bet the cake will be lovely. ❤️❤️
You’re quite right, that little voice never has anything nice to say!
Thank you for your kind words; the cake was a bit of a debacle but I remained positive overall and just opted for a shop bought. I’m hoping to try again with decorating the cake for tomorrow 🤞🏼❤️
Someone gave me that advice many years ago. It really resonated as most of us women are trying to keep all our plates spinning! That critical voice does us no favours and is never constructive or helpful. Enjoy your little ones birthday and be glad you can celebrate together. ❤️❤️
My daughter (now nearly 13) was born 7 weeks premature, it was a total rollercoaster! The reason for her early arrival was never discovered, but it had a huge effect on me. My emotions were all over the place and I was desperately worried about her and her future development. When we brought her home from
Hospital people would say ‘oh she’s so tiny’ which really freaked me out and I practically had a panic attack every time the health visitor came to weigh her, as she was always on the 0.2 centile! Every Xmas we would take on Xmas presents to the SCBU who looked after her and I could not get through that visit without crying as it brought back so many emotions. So I totally understand how you feel! We always blame ourselves as mothers - but this was out of your control and it sounds like your daughter is thriving and happy and you are a wonderful mum. My daughter is nearly 13 and is a happy, moody, normal pre teen who just spent a week away at scout camp loving every minute! We still take Xmas gifts to scbu but I can now do it without crying!! Took me about 9 years 🤣 you are doing a great job x
Yes I completely empathise with the rollercoaster feeling - nothing prepares you for that or the turmoil when you have to leave them at night once you’ve been discharged!
Due to restrictions at the time, I nearly wasn’t allowed to accompany her when she was transferred from one hospital to another.
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experience! I think you’re amazing for donating presents every Xmas - I haven’t been able to face going back yet, hopefully 1 day when I feel stronger 🙂
I’m so happy to hear that your daughter is happy and well - I was an explorer scout and thoroughly enjoyed my experiences within Scouting!
Hey Soap - remember small things in small packages…..your daughter I’m sure will be a little cutie pie and it’s clear she couldn’t wait another 8 weeks without bursting into your life to meet her mummy! You both sound like tough cookies and your experience in both giving birth prematurely and your heart probs give you a vast amount of life experience to share with others going through similar events. You have given me some encouraging advice since I joined here last year. Unfortunately I wasn’t blessed with children so adopted dogs instead 🤣! But the bond you will have with your little one will be a forever bond. Guilt is a waste of time and energy. Instead think how lucky you are to have her and she’s lucky to have a brave mummy like you too. Treasure your time with your kids - as you know time flies and they will all be growing up fast before you know it. Have fun with your little doll - you’re lucky to have each other ❤️🧚🏼♀️
I don’t feel very strong at the moment but she is definitely a source of strength for me.
I’m really pleased to hear that you’ve found my replies helpful previously and I love that you have chosen to adopt dogs, they really do become a part of the family (in my opinion)!
Oh, no, no - of course it wasn't your fault! I doubt if you go through life blaming your mother or father - or grandparents - for the fact that your heart isn't A1 and there might just be some genetic cause for it, do you?
My first child was born 6 weeks prematurely because I developed pre-eclampsia, my liver function was problematic, and placenta had deteriorated badly. The birth itself was pretty traumatic all round. Two days later, they wheeled me along to the Special Nursery where this tiny wee skinned rabbit was lying in an incubator, wearing a paper nappy and with tubes going in and out everywhere. I collapsed in tears, a nurse hugged me and said, "These wee prem babies are tougher than they look, and once they get the hang of feeding, there's no stopping them. I know you won't believe me now, but just you wait and see." Well, she was right, although we did have one panic a few months later when he developed a temperature, then as we drove to hospital, many miles on rural roads, he suddenly went limp, very pale and I really thought he'd died. He is now 49 years old, has worked all over the world, is 6' 2" tall, and having to watch his weight! Please don't let a misplaced sense of guilt stop you enjoying your beautiful daughter and the love she has brought you ❤️
Thank you for your message and lovely words, I really appreciate it.
You’re right, I’ve never blamed my dad or grandad for the genes that I’ve inherited because, logically, I know that they never intentionally gave me those genes.
Thank you for sharing your traumatic experiences with your son, you sound incredibly strong to have come through that together!
Reading everyone’s messages have really helped me to gain perspective and make today more bearable - I came in knowing I was going to feel a bit rubbish but even when the homemade cake didn’t go to plan; I found it easier to accept a shop bought alternative. My daughter has been feeling poorly all day and I got a phone call to say that I didn’t get the promotion I went for at work but somehow it just felt easier to accept.
She’s now got antibiotics for a throat infection and I’m going to focus my energy on getting her better 💕
I’m sorry - it sounds like you’ve really had one of those days 🙄 nothing works out as you’d planned, and you can feel your BP mounting by the minute. Of course, you just need to take a step back, calm down and get things into perspective - so simple when you say it like that, isn’t it? 😂
You can see that you’ve got a lot of us on here who have some understanding of how you feel, so keep us updated, so don’t hesitate to ask for a bit of support when things get tough.
I hope that the antibiotics kick in very soon, and that both your daughter and yourself have a much less fraught day tomorrow. 😘😘
It’s definitely been one of those days 😂 but I’ve felt better equipped to deal with all the hurdles that today has brought than I have for some time and I truly believe it’s due to the kindness that everyone has shown me 🥰
Thank you and I really do appreciate all the support that’s been offered. I’m currently on a waiting list for counselling so I’m hoping I can continue to build more positives and better manage my mental health.
Thank you, I really hope they kick in soon too - temperatures sitting between 38.6 and 41.1 are not fun!
I really do appreciate each and every reply, thank you so much.
I’m also sorry I’ve been pretty off the radar recently, I hope that at least this may help to explain the reasoning behind my more sporadic input.
I still wish to help and support others on here too 🙂
My son was born at 31 weeks; not because of a heart condition but because I developed eclampsia. I had to have an emergency C section when he started to have problems. After the birth I was kept in an induced coma for a week to get my BP down. They only woke me just for a few seconds to see a grainy photo of him. We both almost died. He is now a strapping 35 year old ; way taller than me and his only problem has been dyspraxia and a lack of enamel on his teeth. He was so tiny he fit in my hand. With premmies you will find that although physical development can be slow, mental development is usually much faster - he was reading at 2 years old and always seemed mentally much older than he was. The breathing problems are common with underdeveloped lungs; I also had one scare with that yet even then I never worried because he was such a fighter except the one day I went into the high dependency unit and he wasn't there. He had constantly pulled the breathing tubes out of his nose so they'd moved him to the next unit and put him just in an oxygen head box. I could have guessed that I would get eclampsia because my mother had it twice; once with me so I was born very premature and then with another baby which she lost hours after the birth. Her sister died in childbirth of eclampsia. LIke long lost families I only found her baby when he was 50. ( Her husband had moved away and lost touch) Do I blame myself? Not a chance. My only other option would have been not to have got pregnant at all. These things happen; you can't change it so enjoy the rest of your life with your beautiful daughter. Premmies are so resilient.What happened was NOT your fault.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your lovely words; I can’t imagine what you went through but I empathise.
The part of your story about finding he had been moved happened to me too. They moved her from ICU to HDU without telling me and I arrived to find an empty space where her incubator had been and I genuinely thought I was going to collapse; I can remember my heart feeling like it was going to fall out of my mouth as I burst into tears!
I’m so sorry for your mum’s losses, that must’ve been awful and I’m sorry for your losses.
What a lovely reunification story too, that must’ve been wonderful for you!
The not getting pregnant route is what I’ve now adopted because I don’t think I could go on that journey a second time, even if it was planned and with all the wonderful care that we both received.
But there's the thing. I didn't go through anything because I knew he was going to be prem and I knew he'd pull through. I honestly didn't have any worries.Don't ask how, I just knew. The big worry was for my mother watching me go through what she'd gone through and watched her sister die from. My son was absolutely fine apart from that moment in ICU when they'd moved him; obviously thinking they'd give me a big delightful surprise. Stupid idea. You didn't cause your baby to be prem. It just happened like it just happened to me. There's no way my son blames me; except maybe when he needs dental treatment LOL.
It was not your fault! My daughter in law is fully healthy, but had a very small baby and Neve was in prep clothing for 9 months and was small until she was about 8. She is now 24, 5ft 6 and was awarded a 1st in her 4 year Master of Science in Computing and AI! Just because your daughter is small, don't fret, she will grow!
She’s unfortunately developed an infection of her tonsils so ended with a trip to hospital bless her but hopefully the antibiotics will do the trick 🤞🏼
We’ll try celebrating again tomorrow or maybe next week if need be.
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story, I really appreciate it.
That must’ve been such a distressing time for you, I can’t begin to imagine what you went through!
I’m so pleased to hear that your daughter is now well and sounds very happy as well as bringing much joy 😍
I didn’t find out I was pregnant with bundle number 3 until I was 20 weeks pregnant (after getting my diagnosis and being told I couldn’t have anymore children for safety reasons). From there on in I was having appointments every 2 weeks and definitely a very different experience to my other 2 pregnancies.
I have no doubt that she will grow up to be very courageous and I will certainly encourage her to make a life that makes her happy 🥰
Today is my oldest daughter's 32nd birthday. I totally hear you.
I wasn't diagnosed specifically with heart issue until seven years ago (arrhythmias) but I ended up in hospital on total bed rest because of preeclampsia at 33 weeks and she was delivered at 35 weeks and the placenta was almost totally broken down so she wouldn't have lasted any longer. After the delivery, I had a hypertensive crisis and couldn't be moved from the delivery suite until the following day because of the stroke risk. For the next 3 or 4 days I could only visit my baby who was in a humicrib in the nursery if I was in a wheelchair. She has had some health challenges over the years but we've had a great life together.
I also ended up with preeclampsia with my second pregnancy and that daughter was delivered just before 37 weeks. She is now 30 and is pregnant with her first child. Because of my history, she is under close observation with a top specialist as being a baby of a preeclamptic pregnancy, and being a female baby born after a preeclamptic pregnancy (not to mention that her father was born from a preeclamptic pregnancy as well) she is at an increased risk. So my guilt continues (even though I know it wasn't my fault). Thankfully she is doing well so far and fingers crossed, won't have the issues I had.
Doctors now know that pregnancy complications such as preeclampsia can cause heart and kidney issues in the mother later in life.
Keep looking after yourself and being an awesome, loving mumma x
Thank you so much for sharing your experience; I can’t imagine what you went through or are currently experiencing. I’m sure your daughter is in very safe hands but I guess it just reaffirms that the maternal instinct to protect them never lessens as they age!
Happy 32nd Birthday to your eldest daughter too, I hope she enjoyed her day!
Sending strength and best wishes to your family too.
I went into premature Labour on CCU at 31 weeks with my third daughter due to Ventricular Tachycardia. I had an emergency caesarean and then spent weeks on CCU. I didn’t go anywhere near the Maternity ward and it was the best best experience I’ve had and I’ve had 4 children. X
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