Advice please for wife of bypass patient

[Finmum]

Hi I’m not sure what advice I am looking for really but are there any wives or partners that have been through bypass surgery with their husbands or going through it now and can tell me what to expect, good or bad please? My husband is 54 and having bypass surgery on Saturday. He is terrified and we are both really struggling; I am trying hard to be positive for him

[Heather1957]

Hopefully you will get some replies as I know there are several partners of people going through heart problems.

I have read several posts from partners who need as much support as those of us who are going through or have gone through heart procedures

[Finmum in reply to Heather1957]

Thankyou for your reply it helps to hear from others as we don’t know anyone who has gone through this personally

[Carlg]

i asked my partner and recorded his response here for you.

He said I was a pushy patient before the surgery and he understood that he needed to let me have my moment. He was thankful for his support network and said time away was important. Even an hour here or there to process and speak with a friend or visit his family.

The day of the surgery itself is tough. Make sure you don't do that alone. He went round familyand waited with them whilst I was in the operating room. They could help occupy the time, made sure he had a meal and took him for a walk when there was still no news.

remember bypass is almost seen as routine now.

he also said to be a little pushy for updates. Ask the questions you feel need. Make sure you know visiting times etc.

after the operation, he felt like a carer to begin with. He said when I was in hospital routine was key. He still had work so would work, visit me after and then head off at the end of visiting. He still kept up his hobbies as much as he could.

When I was released he was definitely a care giver. He reminded me about medication and did all the things I couldn't. Again he said to have time to himself was good. We used friends to begin with as a compromise when he didn't want to leave me onmyown.

We both found it difficult and still do at times to figure out was I can and can't do. We make.sure we have time to communicate and I tell him rough plans each day and what I can do my self what, what I might need help with and what he need to do for me.

thia has helped as bypass recovery rtjings can change quickly.

his main point was make sure you have some to support you and realise you are not on your own.

i hope some of this helps.

[Finmum in reply to Carlg]

hi Thankyou so much for taking the trouble to reply so fully, can I ask how long ago your bypass surgery was? We have a lot of support thankfully but it still seems quite isolating if that makes sense

[Carlg in reply to Finmum]

i am just under 3 months from the operation.

It can feel quite isolating. You will have a lot of support but unless they have someone whose been through it they may not know fully how you are feeling or what you are experiencing.

As the patient I found it difficult. I remember being in hospital the night before the operation getting 'everything in order' just in case. Luckily none of that was needed.

do take each day as it comes. Some will feel more difficult than others for both of you. However over time you will see the progress

[Hidden]

Hello

I was 57 when I had my triple Bypass and it was my Husband that was by my side every step of the way and I saw what he went through the worry and so on at the same time him staying strong for me it is not easy on either but you will both get through this

You Husband is young and in other ways fit to have this operation or they would not even consider doing it

The Surgeons are so experienced in what they do he could not be in safer hands

Of course he will be anxious and so will you we would not be human if not but the moment he goes into Hospital the Nurses will put him straight at ease there will be other patients either that have already had the op or waiting to have it and he will not feel so alone

After the op he will be in intensive care and he will no doubt feel ok as they give you plenty of pain relief I thought I was in a space ship and have to keep asking my Husband about that part as I hardly remember much at all

He will have a few wires and machines bleeping but do not let that cause you any fear when you see that as they are just there monitoring everything

After a few days he will be taken back on the ward where his recovery starts

He will feel sore etc but again they will control any pain he might have and within a couple of days they will have him walking about and getting him moving

I could go on but I think taking each step at a time and when he starts recovery you can post and we will try and help with questions you may have

But I think you need to make sure you have someone to talk to family and friends where you can express how you are feeling and keep reminding your Husband that this is going to give him a new lease of life , once he recovers the chances are he will feel so much better than he has in a long time and how lucky to be given this second chance

My Dad years ago had a quadruple Bypass about your Husbands age he is now and they were not as experienced as they are now he lived to be 77 it was not his heart that took him but regretfully something else but his heart was as strong as anyone else's , he would walk every day , go golfing he lived life and his Bypasses served him well just like your Husbands will to

Let us know how you both are and if you need anything just ask x

[Finmum in reply to Hidden]

thanks your reply has really helped and I will surely come back and ask questions afterwards. It helps a lot to read others stories and experiences who have been through the same situation. I have wonderful family, a very rewarding job and some very good friends; these will keep me sane while we go through this but I also think this forum will help a lot. My husband isn’t one to talk and share his feelings but has opened up to the cardiac care nurses who have been calling(Bupa) and says it has helped so I think the rehab will be a great help afterwards, did you find this?

Thanks again I really appreciate your response x

[Hidden in reply to Finmum]

Hello

I am agoraphobic so regretfully I could not get to the Rehab classes but I had a great Rehab Nurse who contacted me every day and talked me through things

I do regret I could not get to the classes as I have read so many posts and replies and just how much they helped everyone so yes they will help your Husband I am sure they will

I am glad you have such good support around you to with family and friends x

[Finmum in reply to Hidden]

that must have been difficult for you but am glad you had the rehab nurse. How long has it been since your surgery?

[Hidden in reply to Finmum]

Hello

Yes it is difficult and makes things slightly more complicated but you find a way through

I had my Surgery August 2021 x

[Heyjude31 in reply to Finmum]

Hello Finmum, not a lot to add to all the great replies you have had from our forum hearties. The only thing I would add is that make sure your husband is offered cardiac rehab. It has made a massive difference to me, being with other people who have had similar experiences has been so helpful and the cardiac nurses on hand are brilliant. I am just over a year post bypass and I am part of a gym which supports people who have had heart surgery which I went onto after my rehab. Take good care all the best to you and your husband. The best advice I think is to take the recovery one day at a time, listen to the cardio team, take the meds, and stay positive. The surgeons do these procedures every day and although it is huge for the patients as one of the surgeons said to me for them it is routine. Judi

[Jako999]

The main thing is to support each other everyone is really scared it’s important to talk to each other and to anyone who will listen. My family were great but I didn’t tell them just how I’ll I was they new it was bad because everything had to be done asap and was a massive shock to everyone, I never told them if I had another HT before my bypass I wouldn’t make it but then I think they knew as I was already in intensive care.

The thing is the op was not as bad as you think, the recovery is hard but time soon goes, I’m now 19weeks post quadruple and yes I still have a long way to go but im surprised how well I am.

My mental state like so many others on here has been affected, it’s important to get help as soon as possible, the hospital give me a councillor with in a month of my op or speak to your gp don’t be proud you will need help nearly all on here did.

Also ask all the questions you want everyone knows what your going through.

Good luck but you don’t need it👍

[Finmum in reply to Jako999]

thanks you are a similar age and have obviously been through a lot! My husband had very few symptoms so was a massive shock to us after the angiogram showed he would need double or triple bypass(won’t know for sure until surgeon gets in there). I think he has already realised he will need to talk to someone afterwards or at least a support group as he has been very emotional. Thanks again for taking the trouble to reply and good luck with your continued recovery!

[CyclingTime]

i was 58 when I had mine in January this year, my wife and kids were very stressed about it as you would expect. All I can tell you is that the operation went very well, within a few days I was up and walkingand discharged home after 6 days.

i am now fitter than I have been since I was 30! He just needs to take care and especially with his chest be very careful he doesn't move it to much in the first 6 weeks while it heals. Then hopefully it should be all good, it was for

[devonian186]

I shall post a list of suggestions shortly

[devonian186]

Ok here are a list of suggestions previously posted to someone in a similar situation

Heart surgery of this type is now seen as 'routine' in as much it is carried out many thousands of times with excellent results. Your husband will be in good care in hospital and I think your time would be best spent in preparing for his stay (suitable clothes, snacks, entertainment) but more especially his return home. Typically, he will be in hospital for 4 days AFTER his surgery and likely to move ward 2 or 3 times as his dependency and risks reduce

At 54 his recovery should be quicker than mine at 70 but nevertheless, whilst routine, it is still a big operation. He will feel tired, emotional and his routine will need to change with someone preparing his meals, being present with him when he goes for a walk and generally providing support, practical and emotional. I used paracetamol for the first 4 weeks as there will be some pain around the chest area so have these handy. Do be prepared for bursts of tears and anger. That is the operation and the new realties talking and should pass as the pain eases.

I was very restless when I got home and found it much easier to sleep in a separate bed to my wife as I kept different hours and wanted to get up in the night, be restless, turn on the radio etc. Have lots of books ready, (physically light ones and some lightweight in content ones) plus whatever entertainment he likes, tablet, kindle, radio, tv etc. He will likely doze a lot at first but must try to avoid doing too much especially in the first week or two as that will set him back.

Have lots of cushions around, easy access to a toilet and provide a choice of comfortable chairs, as what will be comfortable one day may not be so later. It can get boring, so frequent small snacks, drinks, chance to have a chat are in order as will be leaving him alone when he wants quiet.

The chest area might ache ( I took paracetamol for 4 weeks) and I found a padded gilet to be very useful especially when in a car. Short trips out when he can manage it to say the garden centre or somewhere different to the home will be welcomed after a time, which gives the chance for short walks and a coffee.

Follow any exercise routines but don't let him do too much otherwise he will pay for it the next day.

Keep a health diary as you will both be able to see the improvements he makes week on week if not day on day

[Zbignieva]

I was terrified before my first surgery. Then I thought of my job, which seems insurmountable to people just starting out.

I work in the NHS and people have years of education and training as well as experience to do their jobs.

Surgery is hopefully a once in a lifetime situation for me and you, the surgical team might do the same surgery 5-12 times a week?

For you it is scary and unknown, for them it is routine.

This may not stop the feeling of fear, it’s normal and expected. Tell your surgical team, they will have dealt with terrified patients before.

[Handel]

Hello Finmum. I've been there and done that so all I can say is this isn't as bad as you're both imagining.

My hubby had a quad bypass 4 years ago and has never looked back. He had the op on the Monday and was back home (eating beans on toast!) on the Friday. It's all the build up to the op that might be getting to you and probably your husband.

The sad thing is that everyone always thinks about the patient and not much about the partners of patients and this is why I joined this forum in June 2018.

So much help, advice and comfort was given by the lovely people on this forum.

My hubby was in ICU for half a day and was moved to a high dependency ward (not as specialist as the ICU) and then he was moved to an ordinary ward.

Tubes and pipework might be a bit off putting when you first see your hubby but these are removed quite quickly.

He was up and about moving (slowly) on the second day after the op and went to the loo and showered by himself.

Our lovely surgeon told us that he could do a quad bypass blindfolded and with one hand tied behind his back!

It's such a routine op these days. You and your hubby will look back in a couple of weeks and wonder what you were worrying about.

There will be loads of questions you'll want to ask so just come on this forum and ask them. Above all, show your lovely hubby these positive posts!

Lots of love and hugs. Jan xxxx

[MarmiteB]

Hello Finmum,

I had a bypass in January, 10 months ago now. My husband had to sit back and watch...they still had COVID restrictions and so he could not come and visit. What I would say to you as the "on-looker" is that make sure that you look after yourself as well.

As other people have said the hardest day is the op itself. My husband chose to spend it alone and, as a chef, sharpened every knife we had in the house...lol!! I did observe afterwards maybe with my new regime of blood thinners it was a way to get my life insurance?! No, but serioulsy, you might choose to spend the day by yourself or with friends. My husband said that AS SOON as he was told I was OK from the op he cracked open a beer and relaxed. He got to speak to me later that night (I was seriously zoned out but I do remember speaking to him) and that also made him feel better.

Unfortunately as the carer you will get a bit shoved aside but you should defintly ask for support. We had a whole host of people come to stay with me while he had to go to work! My mum, my friends etc.

I would be more than happy to speak to your husband about going in. If you want to exchange numbers just private message me and I will happily have a chat. I didn't discover this group until after my op and I wish that there was someone I could have spoken to. There are two things that I absoluelty wish I had known (but probably wouldn't have listened to...)

1. Having open heart surgery isn't as bad as you think. I KNOW. IT SOUNDS INSANE. But really, it was OK! You take it step by step. Day 3/4 is pretty miserable... then when you come out of hospital is a bit scary/rubbish...then your husband will absolutely push himself to hard a couple of times and will know about it (all hearties do this) but he will get to a point when he will turn a corner, and then another one, and then another one. And then there will be a day when he doesn't think about his heart once, and then there will be a week...it just takes time.

2. HE WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER FOR IT!! Before my op I didn't realise how ill I was. I am pretty unique because I am young to have had my op...but before it I couldn't walk without angina, I couldn't have a hot bath, I couldn't eat a big meal - it was massively impacting me but my pain had just become the norm! I have since felt 1 million times better and I am now running again. He will feel much better from it.

Good luck to you both and my thoughts are with you, please do get in touch if you would like to.

Rosie x

[Shar28]

Hello, my husband had his Aortic valve replaced via open heart surgery in January 2018. It’s a scary time for both of you, in different ways. We agreed that I could fuss and he could be grumpy as and when we each needed! He also has a tendency to do too much so I had to let him get on with it and just be around. The challenge is that you only know where the line between doing enough and not too much is after you’ve crossed it! It’s always dispiriting for all concerned when the patient has a set back but I think it’s entirely normal to overdo things then pay for it for 2/3 days afterwards.

It helped acknowledging before surgery that we’d have different ways of coping and reminding ourselves over the following weeks and months. I realise months sounds awful, but full recovery takes quite some time as the body heals and adjusts to its new normal.

As he “only” had valve replacement but no surgery on his blood vessels (ie a bypass) he didn’t qualify for our local rehab service, despite the surgeon requesting it. Instead, he relied on a booklet the hospital gave him.

At his 8 week check up they said he was doing really well, and he’s gone from strength to strength since.

Best wishes to you, your husband and your loved ones. Remember that this forum and the BHF nurses are available for all of you. Xx

[elizabeth63]

Hi my husband had a five way bypass 5 years ago now.

He was 59 at the time his coming up to his 65th Birthday.

My husband was absolutely terrified, but went through with it as he was adamant he wanted to see his grandchildren grow up we now have six grandchildren and are still waiting on a few more.

So all I can say is believe me it was worth it ,

Not sure if that’s any help but it’s the most positive reassuring thing I can tell you at this time.

Xxxx

[Finmum]

thanks so much to everyone who has taken the trouble to reply. Advice has all been so helpful and we are both very grateful. I will post how he is getting on next week and have suggested he ask questions himself Too xx

[Arthur2015]

Hi, I am in a similar position. My husband (53) is having his operation on 11th November. I am finding we are all (2 teenagers too) a bit up and down but we are muddling through having good and bad days. I did cry when the electrician came yesterday and suggested he might need to turn the power off for 45 minutes - a little irrational perhaps .

[Handel in reply to Arthur2015]

You'll get there and wonder why you were so worried. He'll be able to enjoy Christmas with the family and feel so much better. Try not to bottle your worries up though. The lovely people on this forum are here for you both. Love and hugs. Jan xxx

[SailingGill]

Hi, it is good to read partners’ comments. My partner (70) was due to have his op yesterday but it was cancelled. We were half way through a period of isolation prior to the op (COVID). We are now awaiting a call to isolate again in advance of the op. I won’t be allowed to visit as the ward is a locked one (COVID) again which is understandable but not great. He is obviously very frightened. We are taking days quietly and hope the op is soon. Has anyone else had to deal with COVID isolating? I am concerned that we might need to stay away from people for a while after the op too. It’s all pretty scary. Xx

[Finmum]

Hi lovely people, unfortunately hubbys op was cancelled at the last minute yesterday! He was all prepped, chest arms legs and groin shaved, pre meds done, actually feeling calm then surgeon walked into ward and said there was no icu bed available.. I collected him at 1 after meds had worn off. We are so disappointed as it should have been all over now and have no idea when he will be rescheduled., 😔

[Arthur2015]

oh no! I was thinking about you yesterday. Did they say when you might get a new date? Which hospital was this?

[Finmum in reply to Arthur2015]

no idea unfortunately but surgeon said he will look into it tomorrow and know he will do his best. Hospital is University Hospital Coventry and Warwickshire

[Arthur2015 in reply to Finmum]

Hopefully you will get a new date soon.