CRT lead implant soon

[Dan33ynwa]

Any advice or experiences after CRT lead implant, very anxious and negative patient here go gentle

[Hidden]

Hello

I have not had this done but a triple Bypass

I imagine though the anxious feelings and thoughts are still the same and I know I was petrified

But now looking back I wish I had not been as once you are there you have wonderful nurses taking care of you , surgeons that know exactly what they are doing and before you know it you will be home recovering with a better working heart

Hope someone that has the same op will come along and share with you more but just wanted to let you know it is normal to feel anxious but you will be ok and I look forward to reading about your recovery once you have had it done x

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Hidden]

Yeah unfortunately for me I never see the positive all I can think about is it not working and going wrong no matter how much I try I just can't see a positive I have 2 young children n I'm literally carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders 80% of it to do with health issues n I just feel I'm literally at breaking point

[Hidden in reply to Dan33ynwa]

Hello

I am just the same in my way of thinking always the negative wins even though I know there are positives and I envy people that are so positive and wished I could be to

I know at the moment how you are feeling even though a different op but the feelings and thoughts I imagine all the same and I to walk around feeling I have the weight of everything on my shoulders but you wait and see you will be posting soon and have had the op and you will be fine and then I hope you feel a lot lighter with this weight on your shoulders than you do now x

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Hidden]

I very much doubt it and sorry for the late reply but il never stop feeling guilty and to blame because its been made very clear that my cardiac arrest has caused mental health issues to my children etc so for something I wasn't planning or wanting to happen I'm somehow now at fault for issues it has caused so I don't think il ever get past this tbh I just feel a hopeless case in all honesty

[Hidden in reply to Dan33ynwa]

Hello

Who on earth has said that your cardiac issues have caused your Children to have Mental Health issues I am quite shocked to hear this has been said

As parents we cannot always cover up how things are affecting us , how we feel how anxious we feel and if something goes physically wrong with us and it causes us to not be able to cope very well as much as we don't want it to affect our Children it is not our fault if it does

You have enough to deal with without someone playing the guilt game on you

Get yourself well and you can help with other issues once you are back fit and healthy x

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Hidden]

Tbh I've just all about given up

[Hidden in reply to Dan33ynwa]

No giving up on this Community

You know I have had mental health as far back as I can remember , consists of health anxiety ( so having all this with my heart has really messed me up ) chronic ocd , agoraphobia severe anxiety to name a few

I had 3 adult children and the two eldest I somehow brought up been this way as well as my Son

Yes I no doubt was a different Mum to maybe most because of my battles but I did the best I could and if I say so myself they have turned out alright

I have wanted to give in so many times , I am going through a rough time at the moment , I cry a lot , I worry a lot , I feel misunderstood most of the time the list goes on again but I will keep going and so must you

You say someone has said your Children have Mental Health because of your Cardiac issues which is not true and now you feel guilty but if you gave up how would that affect them ?

They would have serious issues dealing with that so you keep going for them

Children are very resilient and when they see their Dad fit and healthy again a few years down the line this will be in the past while you are enjoying the future with them

Have you spoken to your Doctor about how low you feel ?

I think it could be a good idea if you did , you need support as well and deserve it x

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Hidden]

I have had them as far back as I can remember I had a dad that used me as a punch bag turned my family against me, to the point where they deny any of what happened I have felt worthless and useless all my life I have never felt apart of anything or a part of a family I just felt that I was there to be used when they wanted someone to blame and take things out on, and that has followed me all my life I have always been the blame for everything even if I wasn't there or it was something out of my control, I have spoke to gp all they want to do is fill me with pills and send me on my way I can't have pills because they bring on palpatations which set my anxiety off worse I have been having counselling but it hasn't even scratched the surface as you only get 8 sessions via the NHS I've tried YouTube videos for breathing everything but still I am told what I'm doing isn't enough and that I'm not trying it's just like I am here for people to use and abuse when they see fit and when I try to fight back I'm then selfish im horrible I'm this I'm that I'm to blame I just can't stand it anymore I don't feel like I can move on past this I don't feel like a role model for my kids I just feel weak and pathetic I can't go anywhere without coming over with complete anxiety attacks etc I don't have any friends I don't go anywhere I just feel completely surrounded by people but so completely lost and alone I'm just no good for my kids or anyone clearly and I just can't see any positives at all I can't seem to move on in my life it's almost like I was just revived and brought back to suffer more

[Hidden in reply to Dan33ynwa]

Wow I could have written that about myself it is just about identical to my story and the bit when you say you were brought back to suffer I have cried so many times since my op saying I feel exactly the same and it is not that I am not grateful for the second chance but the body may have been mended but the mind stays the same as well as having a life event like we have it affects the mind even more I totally understand the few sessions we get with the NHS and I have said so many times when they have ended that they never even touched the surface yet I know if it was for longer it could touch the surface and maybe even more and yes it leaves you feeling let down and maybe we are in this respect

But what we go through and you are saying you are weak for those that have not had this experience you do not realise just how strong you are there are many that could not keep facing what we do everyday yet we do it despite the pain we are in like we are been tortured

Same here anything goes wrong always my fault like you say I don't even have to be there at the time but the reason people do this is not because of us it is because they are weak so what easier thing can a weak person do blame someone that they know will not stand up for themselves in a way they are bullies

Over the years as I feel I may be older than you in my late 50's to be polite to myself I have learnt that I have to stand up for myself , I do not find it easy but I cannot go through what I have been through and let people treat me as they have , I have learnt to distance myself from those that do not show me respect , it hurts still but it is better than the other way round

You deserve a life don't let others win you are worth so much more and just get this op done you may find you see things so much differently when you have x

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Hidden]

I honestly don't know what a life is anymore, everything and everyone seems like they are flying around whilst I'm behind a glass window just watching on. All I keep being told is I deserve this after what you've put me through etc but what the f##k do I deserve then because I was the one that went through it all I died I had the life saving open heart surgery I have to walk around with the icd sticking out of my chest and the massive scar down my chest and constant pain and then there's what goes on in my head so if they deserve a break from everything what the actual f##k is it that I am supposed to deserve because all I feel is a burden and clearly to blame for everyone's issues.

I get up at stupid o'clock to go to work in construction pushing my already fragile body to its limits to make sure there is money for a roof and food and comforts and yet I'm still not appreciated I'm still blamed for everything, everyday I feel constant guilt for what I put everyone through I didn't want it to happen and I wouldn't wish it on anyone to have to deal with a dead body to try and revive I hate myself for it all what I have done to my kids it breaks my heart everyday I just feel broken beyond repair nothing seems to help nothing works just what even is the point of me being here why have I been brought back what for exactly because this is just a living hell

[Hidden in reply to Dan33ynwa]

I understand

We suffer and then we get these really dark patches that come along and we start to question everything and then the darkness gets darker

When I feel myself questioning everything I tell myself to stop !

You are not stupid at all and you know what has happened to you is not your fault , you do your best and if that is not good enough for the people that are in your life then I would ask them to leave myself

Your self worth has hit rock bottom , they have been chipping away at you bit by bit but now it is time to stop allowing that to happen

None of us know why some get it harder than others , why some have heart conditions and so on but look at all the other members on here with heart conditions been through what you have regarding your heart , do they deserve it , did they do it to themselves , do they deserve to be respected and loved YES and so do you ! x

[MDR1]

Hi Dan33ynwa. I can completely understand you anxiety. I was the same before having my ICD but am really glad I had it. I didn't have CA but was advised to have the ICD after being diagnosed with heart failure. It is your insurance against another cardiac arrest. Has your cardiologist given you the booklet on CRTD? It has a lot of useful information.It sounds daunting but the actual procedure is not too bad as long as you have a local anesthetic as well as sedation. You will need to be careful and not lift your left arm above shoulder level for a few weeks.

A few minor inconveniences are not driving for a month, and avoiding airport security scanners and induction hobs. Well worth it in my opinion.

[Letsallhope1]

Please don’t worry!I know it’s easier said than done but it is a very standard procedure which is done either on sedation or general anestesia.

I had my implant put in just over a year ago, a CRT-D and happy to say I feel better and safer.

Also, please also keep in mind that any procedure gets discussed by the medical team and they would not put you through that if they thought you were at high risk.

Just concentrate in looking after yourself when you get home.

You’ll be sore for a few weeks and make sure you don’t use much the arm where the implant is.

Take care x

[Wire57]

Hi as previous post have said look on the CRT-D as your own guardian angel. I had mine fitted after a cardiac arrest totally out of the blue, I thought I was super fit then bang my world suddenly stopped. Just over two years later I feel better than I have in the last twenty years, and look at every day as the chance to try something different.I know it’s easy to say stay positive, but look at everything you have to live for. When I first had my cardiac arrest, during the next week my family were sent for several times to say their goodbyes, but they weren’t getting rid of me that easily. After everything they went through I owe it to them to enjoy every day and make the most of my life.

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Wire57]

I just don't have much of a positive outlook on it tbh I'm just constantly worrying and panicking that it's no going to work then what then what is going to happen to my children when I'm not around I swore to them when they was born I'd never leave them and I'd do everything I can for them, but atm the only thing I am doing is letting them down like I've done for people all my life I literally don't see a positive outcome from any of this

[Wire57 in reply to Dan33ynwa]

When I came out of the coma it was the end of the world in my eyes, I had an ejection fraction e/f of 10% and my heart wouldn’t keep me alive without mechanical support. I now have an EF of 33% walk an average of 8.5 miles a day, volunteer for a disability charity and am one of the organisers of the worlds largest disability event as well as acting as deputy head steward at the main event attended by approx 30,000 people on one day. These are things I wouldn’t of dared to dream of two years ago. I understand where you are coming from but as the old saying goes just take baby steps and the rest will follow. My suggestion is make a list of all the things you have achieved in life starting with your children, put some serious effort into this and you will surprise yourself. Then make a list of what you want to achieve over the next 30 years starting with the easier ones, over the coming months tick off all goals you achieve. Whilst you may have a low opinion of your worth I’m sure the facts will prove you wrong.

Take care try to stay positive and remember we are all here for you.

[fantasyfanuk in reply to Dan33ynwa]

I’m sorry to read about your unhappiness and struggles. Please don’t feel that you would be letting your children down, you would not deliberately be ill or leave them and they can understand that. My dad died when I was 11 and my three brothers were younger, the littlest being 5. Although we were very upset when he was so ill, none of us ever felt that our dad had let us down or was at fault in any way. We were very sad without him but totally understood that his illness was the cause. We are now all normal stable successful human beings and have not been really damaged by our experience. That is not to say that your children don’t love and need you, I’m sure they do, but don’t feel you would be blamed if you could not be there for them. I have very positive memories of my dad and childhood. I really hope you can get some more professional input with your situation but the people on this forum can help you through with info and support any time you want to talk to someone.

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Wire57]

I'm sorry for the downbeat replies but I'm stuck somewhere and I feel like a little lost boy waiting for his mum to call for him or come find him but no one is coming and no one is calling I'm so sorry

[Wire57 in reply to Dan33ynwa]

Never feel like you have to apologise, we’ve all been there, hopefully by next year you are sat at your keyboard helping to support someone in the position you’re in at the moment.Take care

[Caravan-lover]

Hi, you haven’t said how old or how many children you have?

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Caravan-lover]

34 now 32 at time so sca and 2 children

[Caravan-lover in reply to Dan33ynwa]

Sorry just trying to get this straight!Are you 34 ?

How old are the children?

[Dan33ynwa]

I'm 34 n they are 5 n 3

[Caravan-lover in reply to Dan33ynwa]

Thanks for clarifying.If you are concerned about how the children are dealing with your health issues speak to school & nursery, they will be able to tell you if it is affecting their “mental health “, ( who was the idiot that told you that ?)

You can still be a dad …..take them for a walk, to the play park or just play with

them. You’ll be able to do more after the OP.

If your finding your construction job to much then speak to your employer & see if there is an alternative position or look for a job that is as physical/manual.

You should go back to your GP & discuss alternative medication for your depression, there are plenty on the list that could suit you better, it’s trial & error finding the right one for you.

Have you tried online help: my GP recommended HEADSPACE (she uses it herself!)

I may be wrong but Reading between the lines you sound as if your on path that leads to self destruction, your coming to a fork in the road, 1 is where you get help, start loving yourself & being the best dad you can be or 2 is being what everyone else tells you you are. You’ve been given a 2nd chance of a life don’t waste it please 🫂

[Dan33ynwa in reply to Caravan-lover]

I'm already at self destruction in all honesty I've just had enough and to be honest I'd rather my second chance went to someone who deserves it that may sound selfish and il probably get alot of backlash but it's how I'm feeling

[Wire57 in reply to Dan33ynwa]

You won’t get any back lash on here only support and a sympathetic ear. I’m no expert but it seems to me that you have been surrounded bullies and these are not the the people you should be listening to. You come across as a genuine, very caring person that once you have recovered from the CRT-D operation will be a fantastic roll model to two children, whom I’m sure will think the world of their dad.

[ChoochSiesta]

Phone these now:samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

[Caravan-lover]

Please please ring the Samaritan phone line…you owe it to your children 🙏🫂🫂

[Caravan-lover]

Hi Dan33How are you doing today?

🫂🫂🫂

[Caravan-lover]

Hi Dan would you please post so we know your ok 🥰

[Dan33ynwa]

Sorry all been struck down by the dreaded covid, operation has been pushed back anxiety has been kicked up another notched and now I'm first day back at work and felt a weird feeling over icd which has now turned anxiety up just one more notch surely there's no more notches to go I'm at breaking point