Friday Funnies... : It's been a tough... - British Heart Fou...

British Heart Foundation

31,232 members20,303 posts

Friday Funnies...

MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJHHeart Star

It's been a tough week so please post a joke to lighten the mood...

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.🤣

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. 😂

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.😂

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water, 😁

31 Replies

Very funny. I like your viewpoint, sometimes it helps to smile. Thank you. Take care. Moni

MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJHHeart Star

I was told clocks go back at the end of the month. Now where did I buy mine from?

Hi Michael, I tried to post a funny picture but it won't copy to here! I'm afraid all my jokes come from my childhood and would have been heard by many already.

Love your jokes though.

Jean

😂😂😂Cheering us all up that’s what we need 👏

MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJHHeart Star

I just lost my job as a psychic. I did not see that coming.

I love being a maze designer. I get completely lost in my work.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I wanted to be a tree surgeon but I faint at the sight of sap.

I got fired from the unemployment office, and still had to show up the next day.

I became an archaeologist. Before long, my career was in ruins.

I considered telemarketing, but it wasn’t my calling.

I didn’t like my job as a waiter. But at least I was putting food on the table.

I focused on being a photographer, but nothing ever developed.

.A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

I would tell one but sadly had an accident. A friend was swinging his camera around and it hit me right on the head. I am still having flashbacks. 😜

Brilliant Dad jokes here. !!!

A guy walks into his dr's office with a duck on his head. Dr: "Good morning what can I do for you?"

Duck: " Get this guy off my arse"🦆

I just quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

The hospital mortuary staff are on strike, but they are providing a skeleton service.

Very good Michael. Hope your doing ok. Here is a joke from my school days.There was this woman called shutup. She had two sons, one called trouble the other called manners. One day while she was out for a walk, she lost trouble. So she went to the police station and said I've lost my son. Name, asked the policeman. Shutup. Are you looking for trouble. Why yes. Where's your manners. Outside sitting on the doorstep.

Don't think I have heard that joke from my school days.

Regards Dee.

Hi Michael, thanks for starting this made me smile this morning. Needed this as had a bad day yesterday culminated in backing into the drive, clipping the brick pillar in neighbours garden which promptly fell down, felt a complete idiot, fortunately neighbours laughed, insurance will repair. So your jokes have cheered me up.

Nicola Sturgeon.

Janma123 profile image
Janma123 in reply to gilreid1

She’s a bad joke, but wouldn’t even make me smile!

MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJHHeart Star in reply to Janma123

We should not get political here. Mind you BoJo the clown would make me laugh in a comedy club so I will cry instead! 😭

gilreid1 profile image
gilreid1 in reply to MichaelJH

I agree with not getting political that’s why I mentioned the dwarf

I just could not work out how my seat belt worked. And then it clicked!

A man went into his GP and said “Doctor I’m confused, sometimes I think I’m a Teepee and others I think I’m a Wigman.” The Doctor replies “you’re obviously two tents.”

How do you tell the sex of an ant? Put it in water, if it sinks …girl ant,

if it floats….

gladliz profile image
gladliz in reply to Joliv61

Grooan!😀😀😀

Good to see your jokes are back Michael, need a chuckle !

So good to see the jokes are back, missed the morning chuckle 😂

I'm exhausted.. Just got back from delivering a roll of bubble wrap..

.

When I asked where to put it.. The woman said to pop it in the corner...

.

5hrs it took me....

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"Do you smell carrots?"

/

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar...

....they each got 6 months

/

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

/

My father once told me: " When one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker

/

What did the Black Death say to Coronavirus?

Well plagued!

/

I gave my wife $10,000 to get plastic surgery.

Last week, she took the money, got the surgery, and then ran away!

So, not only am I down 10 grand, I don't know who to look for.....

Only one I can ever remember. Two old men were sitting in the garden outside the nursing home when suddenly an old lady ran past, absolutely stark naked. "What on earth was that?" asked one man. "No idea " replied the other "but it didn't half need ironing".

Oooooh, is it CrackerJokes time again, then? 2021 has Zoomed by (pun intended)!

Great giggles, thank-you all:)

Cardiologist: We've done all we can, you only have a week left to live.

Patient: I want a second opinion.

Cardiologist: OK, you're ugly as well.

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!""Pull yourself together, man."

Sorry

Yul Brynner

My mother once said “ the way to a mans heart is through his stomach”

Wonderful mother terrible surgeon.

Two old boys sitting in deckchairs by the beach and one says “It’s nice out isn’t it”

The other replied “ Yes it is, I think I’ll get mine out as well.”