Is this forum applicable to me?

[leonidas]

I suffer from depression (I have done for most of my life) and - sexually - have been in a complete "mess". I am in my sixties, married (we have three children), but there has been no sex for some years. I *think* my being impotent relates to a memory that surfaced in my mind awhile back, brought on by an occurrence of what my doctor has assured me was sexual abuse - though I don't think it was that bad - I always looked upon the event (with a woman my mother's age when I was five) as her playing a very stupid and inappropriate "game" with me when I slept over at this lady's house.

I feel totally at a loss about sex; even though I am impotent, I feel the pressure of constant thoughts about sex - mostly an inability to accept what everyone else seems to take for granted - that this world is made up of men and women, and that sex should be a perfectly normal interaction. To me, sex has suddenly become "dirty" and repulsive. Because I am impotent, I have no urges whatsoever, and yet I find myself looking at women with what feels like complete confusion and an inability to accept the thought of sex as being anything but Vile.

I shall stop here, because it has been hard to put into words what I have had to "hide" from the world for many years, and, like I said, I am not at all sure that this is the right "place" for me - but I really want to be able to talk about what is going on in my life which troubles me so much...

[joaparra]

What have you done about your depression? How old are you? You in a stable relationship now? How long ago did the act of sexual intercourse stop with you?

What have you done about your feelings and emotions as it related to suspected molestation?

There is a lot of information, that is needed to be able to sort your situation out.

Depression in and of itself will rob you of your desire to be intimate. When you take medications for it, this too can be a contributing factor, because some SSRI's cause erectile dysfunction. Now the impotence, what have you done so far? Have you visited with a urologist? Have you had any studies performed? Is your penis getting enough blood? Is the issue psychogenic? Do you have chronic illnesses that may be causing the problem, atherosclerotic disease? So there are many angles we need to address to be able to form a clear path.

I do believe you will be able to get some help on this site.

But you mention several issues:

Depression? How long? What has been done?

Impotence? You aluded that this may be psychogenic due to molestation that may have occured? Have you sought counseling for this?

Impotence Get checked out by Urologist, speak to andrologist, it is possible low testosterone is the culprit.

Impotence and negative psychological outcomes now experiencing. Sex is not vile, neither is the opposite sex. So please see a professional.

Relationship--who does your mate feel about, being in a sexless relationship.

It appears that although you are having all these issues, your sexual self is asking for expression. Take care of things and do not deny yourself this very important part of your humaness. peace

[leonidas in reply to joaparra]

"What have you done about your depression? How old are you? You in a stable relationship now? How long ago did the act of sexual intercourse stop with you?" answer– I have been on various meds most of my life; I have had cognitive behavioural thereby, dialectic behavioural therapy, counselling, therapy groups though I never mentioned the sex because I was frightened of what people's reactions would be like – I always addressed other problems than sex, because, to be frank I have always felt very scared of talking about sex. I am a mid-sixties man in a “stable relationship” – we have been married 35 odd years. I think we both wanted a partner for maybe the wrong reasons – My wife wanted to get out of her parental home because she was not allowed to have a life of her own; to me, marrying was something that I needed to do, because others married and had children – and it seemed to be expected of me. It was more a marriage of convenience for both of us, and we do fulfil each other’s needs (except for sex)- that has always been a bit strained. However, we have had three children. Again, I think that was because we thought that it was expected of us.

"What have you done about your feelings and emotions as it related to suspected molestation?" - answer -– Nothing except I did mention it to my doctor when a memory of it came back to me a few months ago. I had forgotten all about it, and I even try to convince myself that my parents’ friend (I slept over one night) meant nothing bad about it; when I told that to my doctor, he said that what had happened was wrong and that the woman should never have come near me.

"There is a lot of information, that is needed to be able to sort your situation out.

Depression in and of itself will rob you of your desire to be intimate. When you take medications for it, this too can be a contributing factor, because some SSRI's cause erectile dysfunction. Now the impotence, what have you done so far? Have you visited with a urologist? Have you had any studies performed? Is your penis getting enough blood? Is the issue psychogenic? Do you have chronic illnesses that may be causing the problem, atherosclerotic disease? So there are many angles we need to address to be able to form a clear path." answer - You’re right; I am not at all sure what is wrong with me; my doctor has “dumped” any reference to the impotence because I have medical problems that are far more urgent and crucial to deal with- I suddenly suffered from Kidney failure mid – last year, very high blood pressure, breathlessness – and all the other nasty side effects; my kidney function has only come back by a minimal amount, and though I am not on dialysis, I think it is a question of when rather than if.

" I do believe you will be able to get some help on this site" - answer-I hope so; I must admit it took a lot of pluck to write what I did – and my wife mustn’t know; she would always say that things such as this should not be talked about to other people. I am not sure just how much not having sex matters to her – it has been about three years, if I remember rightly. But there have been other sexual problems with me; I have (until about ten years ago) been tempted by cross dressing (not going out like that), but just as a means to sexual gratification which made me feel terribly guilty.

"But you mention several issues:

Depression? How long?" - answer - Since I was about fourteen, on and off. I have attempted suicide on three occasions and was unfortunate enough to be found while there was still time to save me. What has been done? Like I said, group therapy, counselling, cbt, dbt

"Impotence? You alluded that this may be psychogenic due to molestation that may have occurred? Have you sought counselling for this? " - no, because I am trying hard enough to cope with my physical problems, and I think I am trying to get out of doing something about this, because I just want to "bury the dirt".

"Impotence Get checked out by Urologist, speak to andrologist, it is possible low testosterone is the culprit." answer -– Actually, my testosterone levels were checked a short while ago – and they were normal – this was done as part of the kidney care plan.

"Impotence and negative psychological outcomes now experiencing. Sex is not vile, neither is the opposite sex. So please see a professional. " answer I wish I could, To me sex does seem vile – it feels like a dirty animal urge.. my parents were very prudish, and sex was something not talked about.

"Relationship--who does your mate feel about, being in a sexless relationship." -answer -We don’t talk about it; but I am sure she would prefer me to be a proper husband to her.

"It appears that although you are having all these issues, your sexual self is asking for expression. Take care of things and do not deny yourself this very important part of your humaness. Peace" - answer- Thank you for your kind words; I was not sure I would be taken seriously – for one. At least now someone else knows…This first step was a monster one - but maybe made easier, because I don't have to see who I am talking to...