Pregnant and suffering from Anxiety and Depression

[DepressedMom2]

Well I ain’t sure where to start other than with saying I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression since I was small, and I’m also a suicidal survivor. I ain’t very social which makes it harder for me to find helpful resources that may be easy for some. People tell me to get out there make friends, get some sun and find a hobby. But I find that very hard to do. I much rather be in my house where I’m comfortable. I have good days where I’ll hang out with a friend. Or I’ll go do a little shopping by myself. But it’s not as often as I’d like it to be and I feel I don’t have any control over that. I am a mom to a toddler entering Elementary school already and I’m currently pregnant. It took years for me to get pregnant again, I did and unfortunately had a miscarriage. I went to a dark place I couldn’t socialize with anyone not my child or boyfriend. People try reaching out but to me they wasn’t saying the right things, they didn’t understand me so I lost communication for a bit. A little over a month later I was pregnant again. So far so good I am almost there. But it has been a roller coaster for me fighting my inner enemy. I’m more moody of course and all I want to do is lay in bed. My boyfriend is gone most of the month for work so it’s just me and my toddler hours away from any family and friends. When my boyfriend is here we try to get out and enjoy family time. I’m ok but when he leaves I go into this depressed state and I feel really horrible saying it but my toddler is the one who sees my moody side, I try I really do with the little self control I have I try with her. I now know and understand her acting out and behavior is because of me. And because her dad is gone most of the time. She gives me a hard time when her dad leaves, she talks back and raises her voice at me. She will throw tantrums and then when she calms down she wants to love on me. And this will sound horrible but I don’t like it when she wants to love on me. I want to push her away, I’m frustrated with her for the way she behaves. I get really anxious taking her to the store with me and she wants to act out all I want to do is run out of the store. But at the end of the night when I’m happy to finally be going to bed, I cry because I know I’m not a good enough mom. I’m lacking at my only job and I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to just be compassionate towards my child, to keep calm and discipline her without raising my voice or expecting her to know things or do things for herself that she can already do. I have admitted to myself that I have issues and need help. I grew up talking to a therapist but now a days with the insurance problems and the fear that I’ll seem so unfit to people they will want to take my kids away. I feel the need to keep it quiet. Till I found this online support group, and I hope to find better ways to deal with my situation.

[Pamela2876]

I have a resource I think might be helpful to you here bit.ly/2Q6a2mb. I am sorry you are facing this! It sounds like you are dealing with post partum/ depression and very few people can deal with it alone. I hope this resource is helpful to you. You are in my thoughts!