friends

[dolphins528]

hi i am autistic and have no friends what’s the best way to ask people if you want to meet outside or work/college etc without being awkward

[NotJim]

Hi dolphins528,

I think it can always feel a bit awkward when we meet new people because we feel nervous and want to make a good impression, so it makes us feel more self conscious. But people we meet don’t think the same thoughts as us, and it’s very likely they don’t notice the things we think make us awkward, if that makes sense?

I’m also on the spectrum, and have a very small social circle. I’ve found that friends can find us as we go. They might not come all at once, but that’s natural.

The cheesy thing to say is to be yourself, but it is true. People can appreciate authenticity. For example owning up that you’re a bit shy can help other people feel at ease, because they might actually be feeling shy too!

Perhaps you could think of a simple activity that you know you could feel comfortable with, (so it’s not something that when it comes to it feels really stressful. For example for me, a trip to get some hot chocolate or a walk might be calmer than going to a busy shopping arcade)

When it comes to asking, maybe you could approach it through a message if you’re nervous about speaking? For example, suggesting “Heya, as it’s getting near Christmas, does anyone fancy heading to get a hot chocolate at some point soon?” or “I was thinking of heading to … this weekend. I wondered if you’d like to head along too?”

If you feel you can ask in person, i think it will be nerve wracking and feel a bit awkward when it comes to it, whatever you do, but that is really normal. Sometimes we have to take a deep breath and take the plunge! If they say no, don’t worry. It’s not because of you, sometimes people are busy and that can’t be helped. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to. If they can’t do it on one day, it could be they can do it on another But it’s still a really good thing that you tried and that is worth encouraging yourself about. It takes courage just to try these things! And if they say yes, yay! Either way make sure you give yourself a pat on the back for the courage. Even if you feel you can’t manage it at the time, that’s ok. You can do it in your own time. Practice makes perfect.

Sorry it’s a bit of a long reply. I hope this can help a bit.

Wishing you all the best

[dolphins528 in reply to NotJim]

thank you so much for your help but sometimes it’s awkward for me to just ask someone for their number as they might find it weird or something like that would you have to talk first in person or text first and then meet up? if that makes sense

[NotJim in reply to dolphins528]

You're very welcome!

I think either can work; as in either texting and then meeting, or talking in person. There isn't a set rule. If you see them lots in person it might make sense to ask in person, but if you talk more online, for example, then you could just send a message

[Lizzo30]

Hi dolphin 583 I think having no friends is a problem these days even for young people who don't have autism My daughter has autism and has just spent a very lonely anxious summer in her flat

This has motivated me to start an Autism social group a charity where young people with autism can meet up

Is there anything like this where you live ?

[dolphins528 in reply to Lizzo30]

no unfortunately not as i live in a rural area there isn’t any social groups at all for where i live for young people

[Lizzo30 in reply to dolphins528]

Have you thought about starting a group for people like yourself and maybe even any young people - there may be grants available - you could choose one night a month meet up in a community hall then plan activities meals out cinema theatre trips ? Just a thought ? You would need a name first

[dolphins528 in reply to Lizzo30]

that would be a good idea but how would you get the idea out there you know?

[Lizzo30 in reply to dolphins528]

Well first think of a possible name then look to your nearest big town for any autism support group and ask for advice ? Talk to your family about it - look for advice on funding - ie grants - the gov want to support community projects

[Lizzo30 in reply to dolphins528]

There are loads of grants available - I just looked on you tube

[TheLongDream]

Maybe just straight forward .U go ,say hello, than ask "do U wanna go for a drink and a döner, I know a great place. Are U in?" If they refuse, it's okej, it's not because U have/haven't done/said something; Just face the convo, most people feel shy and awkward in different stages, when making friends from the scratch. It's not awkward to be a lil awkward, U know what I mean? Everyone's more or less weird and it's normal to be different. Go,say hello, introduce yourself,and let it be.

[LilacPanther]

Hi, ever, since, a very late diagnosis and years of masking, I now find some of my longest standing friends, don't want the unmasked or diagnosed me, they don't want the changing me...as I'm not as ready to fit into their narratives anymore and have been really insulted with insincere questioning, doubting and suspicion of my diagnoses, but ASD and ADHD....because I've masked so well, for so long and they don't think I should "want to label" myself at the late stage I find myself in, middle-age. So I find, myself, now warming more to other ND's and I'd rather have to start from scratch, even at me age, if what I considered good friends, aren't willing to accept other parts of me, which I understand, but, I now also realise, that finding people, who really get you....and, more importantly accept you, are highly likely going to be other ND's. So, I'm looking at groups of interest to join, not necessarily to meet people, but to also, pursue things I love, and I do go out to things alone, if I really don't want to miss something and no one is free. I've think finding other ND's and people who also understand mental health, be it anxiety, OCDS, depression etc, and ultimately, finding people who make you feel psychologically safe, to 100% be who you are....no judgement. I think loving ourselves and our quirks is also a positive step to meeting like minds...

[dolphins528 in reply to LilacPanther]

thank you but i can’t find anywhere that i can meet friends as people at work are too old for me and i want to find people more around my age you know?