How do I cope

[Timmytots206]

I’m really struggling to cope with my husband sometimes. He becomes really obsessed with things (currently it’s taking his blood pressure) and is hyper focused on whatever is the latest thing. He won’t accept responsibility for anything, if something happens it’s always other people’s faults (usually me) and can’t accept that he might be wrong about anything. Now he’s started to become super dependent on me. We’re in the house together all the time but I can’t even go to the shops without him wanting to come with me and if I do get a break he’s always saying how much he hates being away from me, even for a hour or so. It’s just wearing me down at the moment and I don’t know how to deal with the constant irritation I feel. I want to do my best for him but don’t feel like I can at the moment. Any advice would be gratefully received.

[NotJim]

Hi Timmytots206,

I'm sorry to hear how you're having troubles with your husband, that must be really difficult.

Are there any opportunities you might have to talk to any close relatives who you trust who you can share this with?

Talking about these things, rather than bottling the frustration, can be helpful even if a straightforward answer doesn't present itself right away. Letting stuff off your chest about this can help take some of the strain off.

Is it all possible to open up a dialogue with your husband? Exploring on the one side, peraps why he wants to stick so close at the moment. Is there something worrying him, for example, or if it's something that he can't fully articulate yet. And then on the other side, explaining how this makes you feel.

They key thing would be to try and listen through each other's view points fully. When my fiancée and I have had differing points of opinion or have an argument, we try and talk it through all the way so we understand what we're both thinking even if we don't fully agree with it.

I also have found it helpful to word things carefully. When confronting someone about something, phrases that start "You do this..." or "You make me feel that..." that start with "you" can make a person go defensive, because it can feel like an attack on them. Whereas a sentence that starts with "I", for example "I find it difficult when this..." or "Sometimes it makes me feel like this..." invites the other person to empathise with you.

In this dialogue, could you explain what you ideally feel you need, and also see what he feels he needs, and see if then between the pair of you you can find a positive middle ground.

If he feels upset because you've been away for a just an hour, it could help to put things in perspective for him and logically explain that for example "It was just to the shops, I wasn't far away," or "I was having coffee with my friend, I'd agreed I would meet them for a catch up and it was really nice."

These are a couple of suggestions. I hope this helps a little and hope things feel better soon

Best wishes.

[Timmytots206 in reply to NotJim]

Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve always struggled to talk to my husband about things like this because he always takes it as a personal attack, but I may have been approaching things wrong without realising. I know that a lot of his behaviour patterns are out of his control so I don’t usually say anything because he can’t change them and asking him to causes him a lot of stress, but maybe the reliance can be handled. You give some excellent advice, thank you.

[Amiwrong]

I don’t have any specific suggestions but I do know you have to find a way to have your own space and autonomy. With my ex I became so resentful, I started to hate him (and I don’t hate anyone!). It just built up for so long and I felt smothered and annoyed all the time. Your own space, but also perhaps a different mindset so you don’t always take in his behaviours with annoyance or irritation. For the sake of your relationship please I hope you can figure this out. It’s hard, I know.

[QuietButBold]

Thinking of the "super dependent on me" aspect:

I have a relative who has gradually been exhibiting this tendency more in recent years (having known them for decades; I had not prior envisaged that scenario becoming an issue at all).

I think I understand what you describe. Sometimes I think that I will just pop into a supermarket (by car due to our location) and my "shadow" helpfully suggests accompanying me - despite my (none too subtle) discouragement.

Sometimes they would even "helpfully" get the car ready ...and than pace around the front door until I have put on my coat! Relaxing start to a grocery trip? No. Supermarkets are not my naturally happy environment - I certainly do not appreciate an audience to that anxiety too.

At first, I thought they were just unnerved by not being aware of my routine. This was the point when I made a huge error - I gave them an overview of my upcoming calendar - too much detail as I later realised - and that fuelled the problem towards borderline coercive control (with them insisting on trying to come along for the journey to all manner of appointments too! They seemed less stressed but that was not my experience. Time for a swift rethink.

I next tried blocking out aspects of my calendar overview as "solo time". Nope, not a winner.

So, now I have dialled the overview frequency and content back further; to just now listing a day & date with: "Out AM" or "Out AM & PM" etc. ...but (the important point) providing no destination details / no journey reason nor travel style details. This seems to have struck the happier compromise.

My relative is now much less likely to be stressed by the change in routine (by my announcing that I will be back later followed by them clamouring to tag along - uninvited).

I now have been able to reclaim some agency, autonomy, brain space and privacy. (Which is an improvement as, one particular year, I was beginning to think that I wouldn't even be able to complete some Christmas gift shopping "unassisted l"!

Good luck with your creative problem solving.