Helpful advice on how to deal with younger brother

[NaviBlu]

Hi everyone,

I'm reaching out for some advice and support regarding my younger brother, who has autism. We're currently facing several challenges, and I'm hoping to hear from others who might have similar experiences or suggestions on how to handle the situation better.

Here are some of the main issues we're dealing with:

Refusal to Go Outside: My brother doesn't like to go outside and prefers to stay in his room all day on his PC.

Poor Eating Habits: He doesn't eat well, and it's a struggle to get him to have balanced meals.

Anger Issues: He gets very angry if we try to encourage him to go outside or engage in other activities. His anger sometimes leads to destructive behavior, where he destroys things around him.

Lack of Motivation: Even when we tell him he can pick an activity, he doesn't want to do anything.

Parental Inaction: Our parents don't seem to do much to address these behaviors. They often encourage his current lifestyle and tell us he can do whatever he wants. They don't seem to understand the severity of the situation and don't care about changing anything.

It's become increasingly difficult to manage the situation, and I'm feeling quite lost. I want to support my brother in a way that's helpful and understanding of his needs, but I'm not sure where to start.

Have any of you faced similar challenges? How did you manage to help your loved one without causing further distress? Any tips on how to encourage healthier habits, manage anger, and get support from parents who may not see the issues the same way?

Thanks in advance for any advice or experiences you can share.

[Aspen797]

Hi NaviBlu and welcome. Do you mind sharing your brother’s age and what country you reside in? That may help in offering more accurate information/ideas.

[NaviBlu in reply to Aspen797]

Hello! Apologies for not specifying. He's 17 going into 18 in a few months time. Currently in the UK.

[Aspen797]

The situation you describe sounds difficult! I hope others here with more familiarity with the supports and resources available in the UK will chime in.

It sounds as though your brother needs a plan for his future (employment, sheltered workshop, group care home, etc.). It also sounds as though he has some anxiety and/or sensory issues that are preventing him from moving out of his comfort zone and doing more with his life . When anger and violence are effective in preserving what feels comfortable or safe, that pattern of behavior is strengthened. Perhaps your parents have tried to move him from his comfort zone and been unsuccessful (met with anger and violence) and have run out of ideas on what else to do. It sounds as though your family needs support in the following—vocational/employment assessment and training or transition to independent living planning; CBT or occupational therapy to help with anxiety or sensory issues (including food sensitivities); behavioral therapy to help your parents and brother devise a new way of acting and reacting. Unfortunately, being in the US, I am not familiar with the services available in the UK so I am not sure how realistic or accessible these types of services are. I am hoping others will offer more suggestions on who to contact and what steps to take to access services—I wish I could be of more help!

[NotJim]

Hi NaviBlu,

I'm from the UK! Dropping in a suggestion for potential services, there is the Autism Services Directory, on the National Autistic Society website - autism.org.uk/autism-servic... They also have a community page. Autism Central also has a "Find Help" section for various parts of the UK - autismcentral.org.uk/

Ambitious about Autism might also have some resources as well as an online community as well - ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/

It's great that you care for your brother, and are seeking out advice. The most important thing will be that whatever adjustments may happen, your brother will need to be on-side, in agreement and willing to go through with them. Speaking from an ASD perspective myself, if change happens, it's got to feel safe, clear and manageable. He will need to be able to set his terms. If he's willing to take a step, then do encourage, but don't admonish or force if he takes a step back. I imagine he will need to feel safe, supported and in control.

I would think about key questions like "Is he happy right now?" "What is negatively impacting him?" "Are there negative impacts that he's not aware of?" "What is my (yours) biggest concern, and what do I want for him?" "What does he want for himself?" "What would be the benefits of all the changes? (and are they guaranteed?)" These are all important things to take into consideration, and could help start a dialogue.

Us Autistic folks tend to run in a rhythm, with a set routine. If he prefers to be on his PC, that for him might be his whole world. It will be important to acknowledge what all these things mean for him before trying to ask him to step away from them. He's got to be able to understand and accept the benefits of the change.

You mention he lacks motivation as he doesn't pick an activity, but in another light it might be that he doesn't know what to choose or want to make a decision, and might not be able to fully articulate these feelings.

In terms of your parents inaction, have you had a chat with them about your concerns? It's important that all parties potentially involved are clear with what's going on and the adjustments that might need to be made.

I of course don't know the full picture with your brother like you will. If these habits are causing concern for welfare and wellbeing of himself, and those around you (for example, if his eating habits were endangering his health, or the fits of anger were putting himself or others at risk) then it could be worth consulting services that could offer advice on how to best manage the situation. As he's nearly 18, it's likely he would be more eligible for adult / young adult support rather than those for children. I'm no export but would imagine talking to your GP could be a good start, as they may be able to suggest localised support groups for example. (also see links above).

On the other hand, it could be about opening up a dialogue, and negotiating with a bit of give and take on both sides. There might be someone out there who can offer advice on how to encourage your brother to join this dialogue, but for now if it's you on your own it's always good to be patient, calm and open. And if you feel it's getting too much for you or you find you're getting upset, you can remove yourself from the conversation by stepping away, taking some breaths and then maybe coming back to it another day.

At the end of the day, (speaking as someone who is also an older sibling) while we can have the best intentions for our younger siblings, and wish we could make them see this, the change has to come from the inside, i.e., he's got to want to change, but we can help nurture it from the outside by giving time, patience, and lots of love. It can be tiring, and it's important to recognise how it's impacting you and to make sure you're also taking care of yourself too.

I hope this can help a bit.

Best wishes!