Am I autistic??

[attihram]

Hello everyone. I've just joined and am looking for help and advice. I think I am autistic but I am unsure and don't know whether to pursue a diagnosis or not. I have a lot of traits and really struggle with a lot of things. I feel like I am broken and have huge self esteem issues and depression and have done for a long time. If I was to find out I had autism I feel it would alleviate a lot of my self hate, just knowing that there is a reason why I am the way I am and that nothing is wrong with me. On the other hand I am scared that if it isn't autism I might end up feeling worse. I have been doing a lot of research on autism and so much of it resonates with me, but then I'll read something else which makes me think the complete opposite and I just don't know. I have listed some reasons I think I might be autistic. I am not sure if they are all traits but just things I find difficult

Hate social situations

Hate small talk

Can't keep a conversation going

If I'm in a room where there are lots of conversations happening I can't switch off listening to all of them at once and end up not really listening to the person that is talking to me

I feel exhausted after any kind of social situation

sometimes when people are talking to me what they are saying becomes a blur and I can only pick out a few words

if i am given too much info on a task or too many things to do I can't remember it all and get confused/stressed

if my plans change I feel anxious and upset

I prefer doing things on my own

I find eye contact hard

I get really obsessed with certain things

I love coloured lights

I am good at a lot of different things (multipotentialite?) my friends often moan that I am just good at everything

Especially good at music and art

I am a sound engineer which means I am good at hearing small sounds that some people wouldn't notice

am often mute in groups as I don't know how or when or what to say

when I feel overwhelmed I totally shut down and retreat into myself

I can sometimes fall into a really low mood for seemingly no reason. I sometimes won't know until someone else works it out and explains to me why I might feel that way

I find it really hard to talk about emotions and how I am feeling

multitasking is stressful

when I get really stressed and I hit myself in the head. Sometimes to the point of bruising and black eyes

When I am driving I don't know which way to go even though I have lived in the same city my whole live and have been to the place loads of times before...I just can't picture or think of how to get there and almost need to ask if i need to go left or right at every turn to the person I am with

I often laugh at jokes later than everyone else

When for example watching a film I often don't understand the characters motives without it being explained to me

I'm often told that I don't look or sound happy when I actually feel fine. I feel like I need to exaggerate my happiness for people to see it which is tiring

Sometimes I take sarcasm literally. I will reply to something someone has said seriously and then they will say '...I was joking...'

I feel I am quite monotone and expressionless

But then there are certain traits that I don't have:

I don't think I have any sensory problems like bright lights or loud noises causing pain or discomfort

I believe I can tell how people are feeling from the way they look and act

I enjoyed imaginative play as a child

I don't really have any routines

i'm not ever told I am being blunt or rude (but then I don't really say anything most of the time)

I understand terms like 'break a leg' are not literal

I'm not overly clumsy and don't often bump into things

I know you don't need to have every single trait to be diagnosed with autism but I am just so unsure and looking for any kind of thoughts/help/guidance. Could it just be other things like anxiety?

I have done the AQ and EQ online tests and both indicate I am in the range of potential autism but only just

Thankyou to anyone reading I am sorry it's so long

[Scentedflower59]

Hi Attihram

I’m 61 and was diagnosed with autism 2 years ago , I too thought like you with the struggles I have had all my life and had Hardly any confidence in myself Or my abilities. It wasn’t until my granddaughter was diagnosed as a toddler., she’s now 15 that we as a family learned what autism was etc , that my family said that I was Very much like my granddaughter , joking all the time saying that they thought she inherited from me . I eventually went to my GP and after two other GPS saying they wouldn’t refer me as I can’t have autism as I don’t look like I have it ! Then when I eventually got referred the team was surprised at the ignorance of some GP,s saying I didn’t look autistic . I’m lucky I got a GP to refer me as apparently this is common thinking by many . It took a year from my first contact to getting the diagnosis. It has allowed me to understand why I am the way I am and my confidence has grown , I no longer care what some people have said , unkind comments and thinking I’m slow or stupid as I don’t get jokes , though slapstick comedy has me in stitches 😂.

If my results had been different , I said that at least I knew and would get more advice from GP , have more talking therapy’s and learn to live my value as a human being .

Some people go about their lives no knowing they are on the spectrum as everyone is affected in different ways and some don’t want an actual diagnosis as they are happy with their lives and have no reason to ask for a referral .

All I would say to you is speak to your GP and see what they suggest , telling them why you are thinking your autistic and why a diagnosis would or would not be helpful to you . I’m pleased I was able to be diagnosed, as I know why I have struggled all my life trying to fit in and thinking I’m useless and different etc .

Good luck with whatever you decide , don’t be hard on your self , you deserve happiness and reaching out to this group was a positive , even chatting on here with someone is a start 👌

[attihram in reply to Scentedflower59]

Thanks so much for your reply. It already feels a little easier and less lonely just from voicing my thoughts on here and getting something back. I think I will try and talk to my GP and go from there

[Scentedflower59 in reply to attihram]

Wishing you all the best for the future 😀

[Advicereq]

Hi,

I got diagnoised this June aged 44. There is a firm of medics called clinical partners who have a useful diagnostic tool online, but this is only indicative. A year earlier it got highlighted in my dyslexia diagnosis that it was highly likely i was autistic. At the start I tried to jusy accept this but it started to cause me anxitey as I needed to know one way or another, people who have asd do not deal well with ASD. If you are in the UK the NHS are getting better with adult assessment but waiting times are increasing. I used the money saved during lockdown to get my diagnosis done privately and getting it was like a large weight being lifted off my shoulders.

[Clare24]

Hi Attihram, Your story sounds so familiar. My son, who lives at home with us now, is 35 and has recently been saying he thinks he is autistic. He has quite a few traits in common with you and cannot work at present because of the anxiety that goes with them. He has OCD and takes about 20 minutes to leave the house if he is alone. He is very anxious in company and often worries about saying or doing the "wrong thing". Looking back, I don't know how we or any health professionals missed the signs. To us it was just the way he was and people just kept saying "You never get two the same". Can you tell me what online tests you took? He's claiming Universal Credit at the moment as he cannot hold down a job and I think they might be less hard on him if they knew, aside from putting his mind at rest.

[attihram]

Hi Clare. I just searched ‘autism test’ Online and there are lots of different ones. Some probably better than others but they are only indicative. I’ve done lots of different ones though and get the same result every time. I think someone earlier mentioned ‘Clinical Partners’ which have a useful one. Your son is a similar age to me. I feel a big part for me would be just putting my mind to rest. All the best

[lukas01]

Hello attihram I feel like we are on the same page I recently started working full time as I’m 19 just finished college struggling with anxiety and what you have listed is literally what I am going through, I’m waiting on a adhd assessment to see if they can diagnose me or refer me to other place to give me the right diagnosis. Don’t stop trying mate, ring your gp make an appointment and be open about how you feel and why you feel you might be autistic and your gp should understand. Good luck

[blissfullystupid]

thank you for mentioning the aq and eq tests. i had never heard of them before. i would list my symptoms, but it would be an almost word for word copy of your post. i just took the aq and eq tests and like you my scores seem to indicate possible autism. i started down the research path as an ex gf whose adult son is autistic and is majoring in mental health believes very strongly im on the spectrum. im 42, what are the possible benefits to getting diagnosed officially? i don't have much need for financial support, i work in the tech world and muddle through mostly. my issues are primarily interpersonal. i don't have any family and very few friends. i find making new friends and relationships very challenging and very much want it to be less so. as much as i want to know and desperately want to be a real boy. im a little bit terrified knowing, and others knowing will causing trying to make interpersonal relationships far more difficult than it already is.