I know others are suffering from worse things at the moment but there's something that has made me a bit fed up.
When I was diagnosed with COPD, Asthma and Bronchiectasis I was told in no uncertain terms to avoid people with colds and this I have done since 2015. All our friends know very well that I have been hospitalised with pneumonia a number of times and everyone, except for one, lets me know if they're unwell so that I can make my own decision whether or not to meet with them.
So imagine how I felt when we joined said friends at our shared holiday cottage a couple of weeks ago to find that she had the worst cough imaginable and was coughing and spluttering over everything. Cough into arm? No! She just coughed into the air. What's worse was that they didn't let me know until we got there.
Due to lengthy holdups on the M25 and other places, it had taken us 9 hours to do the 4hr journey and my husband was exhausted so we had to stay the night, after which there seemed no point in moving. Horse already bolted and all that. If they had let us know, we could have made alternative arrangements and met up with them daily in the open air, COVID style.
So now I am in bed, having been mildly unwell since coming home but now having the cough from hell which sounds exactly like the one we listened to for a whole week.
We had a great week away, but I'm not too pleased with my holiday souvenir!
No need to reply - I just needed to get this off my chest! So to speak! 🤣
Xx Moy
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MoyB
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She's not entirely thoughtless. Later in the week she donned a mask to visit her friend as she didn't want to pass anything on!The thing is, she has been a friend for many years and I have been biting my tongue for so many of them that I now find it quite difficult to challenge her - it leads to a bad atmosphere that would spoil things for everyone.
I needed to have a rant, I'm afraid, as had been up half the night thinking about it. We'll have a contingency plan in place for the next time we stay with them.
Even after all this time a tactful word would be better than suffering. Perhaps the fact that she wore a mask to visit someone else is a good opportunity to say how easily you pick things up. I can understand how difficult it would be after so long.
I agree. It would have made sense to address it right away, but there was no way my husband was up to finding somewhere else to go and my friend already knows that I pick things up easily.I will let her know that I think I have got her cough and take it from there. My friend is a bit of a 'one off' and is inclined to either fly off the handle or get upset. Either way, it will be all about her and I doubt she will truly recognise the reason for me being upset.
She does have many good points that balance all this up. It's just a bit trying at times.
I try to make sure everybody knows they can’t come or meet me if infected.
I was shielded for 2:10yrs but just before Christmas my home help came having been exposed to Covid and the person eventually died. But she didn’t tell me for a month!
She came over to help me saying nothing. I asked if she was Covid negative before letting her in. She says she was.
However 4 days later I felt unwell and tested positive and couldn’t get any antivirals over Cmas and my own GP was away.
Because she didn’t feel ill herself she assumed I couldn’t catch it!!
You have to be so careful and even when you double check it can still go wrong.
I’m really sorry you have been so ill with the coughing, I hope you can find something to ease it.
It must have been really awful to get COVID in that way. I'm glad you recovered but you shouldn't have had to go through it. If only your home help had been up front and told you!
I'm glad we're both still here to tell the tale! Xx Moy
thank you, Moy, but altho I’m still here to tell the tale, I still don’t feel well. I’m sleeping all the time, have no energy and the pain in my back and rib cage is very disabling.
I can’t work out if this is long Covid or whether it’s set off an MECFS episode.
The carbocisteine helps but I’m allergic to the yellow dyes, the ones without contain too much iron oxides for my gut.
The home help never said sorry and only when the old man died, did it really hit her as to how serious this could be. Like you I can’t have vaccines.
You could always say jokingly when she next asks you to go somewhere . I would say only if you haven’t got any colds coughs or illness because I was really ill last time I caught your cough.
If she’s so unfeeling is she worth your friendship. It’s a bit selfish to come near you with a cough. You can always stay friends but not let her close to you. I presume the family and the rest of your friends are more careful. It’s not fair on you to give you illness knowing you already have lots to put up with.
Take care of yourself and I hope you are feeling better now. Xxx
I was feeling very cross and fed up when I first wrote about this and every word was true. However, I haven't ended up with pneumonia (yet!) and am feeling better than I was, and so am less upset about it now.
I have let her know now that I've been unwell since coming home. I sandwiched it between some other news and updates, but it was very clearly stated, nonetheless. I'll see what kind of response I get.
In many ways she is a very good friend. She and her husband will go out of their way to be helpful when they can and when we meet up we always have a good laugh. She's a bit like the sister I never had and so, as many people find with with family members, I can love her and hate her all at the same time! Lol! We know her faults (and she knows ours!) but were astonished at the lack of thought this time. As I said to someone else, I think I'm looking and feeling better now than I have in the past few years and so she thinks I'm 'cured'. I will have to remind her that my lungs will always remain vulnerable to attack and that I have to be careful.
I'm cross with myself now for not doing more to keep a distance while we were together. I took the view that the horse had already bolted after our first night there and so we carried on as normal. I could have been more proactive, but didn't want to spoil the holiday. Also I really did feel sorry for her as she was clearly unwell but was determined to soldier on! At some point, I'll drop into the conversation how important it still is to cover your mouth when you cough!
I am feeling much better now, I'm pleased to say, but still have the cough and some congestion. My PF is back to normal and my O2 is too. Also, my temp is normal. So I think I just need a bit more recovery time and then I should be fine.
I’m so glad you are feeling better but she should know better than to come on holiday when even you could see she was quite poorly. It could have been so serious for you. You take care of yourself. Xxx
I have let her know now. The way is open for further discussion.I am getting there, but my chest is not properly clear yet. All vital signs are fine, though, so probably need a couple more days!
Thanks for your support. It has meant a lot. Xx Moy
That's really bad luck. People should cough into a hanky at the very least. Shame you are ill with others germs. In November I was scheduled to have a serious operation later in the month, and I came into contact with a person with COVID. I had to cancel, I got COVID and was ill for about 16 days, and then went clear. Lucky they found a spot withing 3 weeks for me..
With a cocktail of " COPD, Asthma and Bronchiectasis" the last thing you need are second hand germs,
I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and I was concerned for her too as it was a really dreadful cough she had, and not normal for her. She is the healthiest person I know. In fact she complains that as she's never ill, she's not had a blood test for years so wouldn't know if there was anything wrong or not! She's almost jealous of those of us who are always having tests for one thing or another. I have told her to ask for a well woman check but she won't!
Anyway, I take your point and don't want to fall out with her after so many years. Really, I just wish we had been told before we arrived and then we could have changed our arrangements.
If we book somewhere else with them I will make a point of asking her to do so. Xx Moy
I would be very cross too MoyB... but me having very little filter would have to let her know one way or the other because It would be on my mind until I said something.. It's vital for us Bronchs to be so vigilant at all times and we were almost hermits ..
We didn't see our families because it was too risky so I think your friend was being very thoughtless.. she could have at least given you full knowledge and the option of whether you wanted to take the risk or otherwise.
I kept myself free from Covid all the way through because I wore a mask IF I HAD to go out... and its hard wearing a mask when you have breathing problems especially with addition of specs and a hearing aid .. BUT it was worth it ..
Yes it’s difficult wearing mask with specs and hearing aid, and trying to breath. realised this week that there’s lot of covid about, just not reported. Hope we can all keep clear and enjoy summer. Jean x x
COVID Test was negative. I must admit, two COVID infections in the past year were both better than this one. Of course, I have had no vaccinations against whatever this.
I'm feeling a lot better this afternoon. Spent some of yesterday in bed, but not today except for a while mid morning when I just couldn't get warm. Had a bit of a funny turn this morning but much better now. Xx Moy
Yes ... wearing a mask definitely is a pain and you find you have to remove your glasses or steam up 😫 but it's definitely worth it ... I've gone and made the silly mistake of not going carioca with my new ones .. just got 2 separate pairs ...omg .... never again ,.. keep changing them is a pain .. definitely when you're walking around the house with your readers on ... bumping into things and wondering why you can't see ... and the distance ones wondering why you can't read the flaming labels on the shelves cos it's all blurry ... I don't think Covid is around here .. maybe because people are being programmed to just ignore it now.. I think kids can still attend school with it now 🤔 scary thought isn't it ...
Yes we certainly all need to have a nice summer this year ... just remember to wear your masks and wash your hands ... that bit makes me laugh ... when you see the state if some of the paper masks that still get worn ... saved from last years hospital appointment 🙄 x
So disappointing that they didn't let you know and hoping you recover soon.I have the same 3 conditions and know what you mean but it's very difficult to wrap yourself in a bubble
Once we had spent the first night there we felt we just had to take the chance as it was likely the horse had bolted anyway! So I'm a bit cross with myself too, really. As you say, if only they had let us know. xx Moy
Unfortunately, things do get shared between husbands and wives and this can hardly be avoided. It's a rotten blooming virus! I hope you feel better soon. xx Moy
Thanks. I'm on the mend now, but my voice is not quite 100% yet. I need to talk less, but my husband keeps making needless conversation and expecting me to reply.
"Either way, it will be all about her and I doubt she will truly recognise the reason for me being upset."Hi MoyB - reading your post makes me very angry. The above quote says it all. Have a chat to your husband and agree your boundaries for seeing your friend in the future. Be ruthless. This time it is ALL ABOUT YOU. Your terms, your health, YOUR LIFE. I like your rant! It has got things off your chest.
I have recently put distance between myself and a friend. I have been too patient, putting up with his need too talk all the time, and all about him. Not Interested in any way about MY life.
Far more important to May is your health and the measures you take to protect it. Your friend has been selfish. Let her know you have altered your boundaries! And I hope and pray you feel much better in the near future. And well done, for having a good moan. ❤️
We will make sure that, if we holiday together in the future (something we have done many times in the past) we will remind them of the fragility of my chest and spell it out to them that if they are not well, they let us know.
My friend's take on it would, I'm sure, be, 'I'm being very stoic and not letting a cough spoil the holiday for us all. Aren't I good?' However, I was shocked when I saw her coughing over things and not covering her mouth as this was very unexpected. I know we can all get a sudden cough or sneeze that catches us out, but that was not the case when I saw her. I made a point of coughing into my hand, tissue or elbow and washing my hands frequently in front of her. I reminded her of the COVID advice and she did seem to be a bit better after that, but she shouldn't have needed reminding.
I doubt it will be an issue for another year so we will work it all into the conversation one way or another and get our point accross. If subtle doesn't work, I'll just be brutal!
I'm not going to put up with an infection like this again when it could have been avoided.
So sorry you are struggling now through an inconsiderate so called friend. I think she is being disrespectful to you by going to someone else's house and wearing a mask when she knows how vulnerable you are to picking things up. Hope you feel better soon. Brian
Well, do you know, that wound me up more than anything! But then I realised that I am currently 'better' than I have been for years and so she probably thinks I've been 'cured'.
I am better because my conditions have been better managed and I avoid people with obvious colds or viral infections like the plague. I need to have a talk with her about this.
Loads of sympathy. You don't want to spoil a friendship, but at the same time you must think of you. What a dilemma. I think you do need to get into her thick head how vulnerable you are. Hope you're soon better. xxx
She is a person who is never ill! That is to say that even when she IS ill, she denies it and doesn't get any treatment - just spreads it about!
With hindsight, I should have made more of it at the time, but that would have spoiled the holiday for all of us. I suppose I felt at the time that the horse had already bolted so I kept my fingers crossed that I wouldn't get it. But I did! Hence my rant. I'm as cross with myself as I am with her.
I really don’t like it when people just cough and sneeze into the air. Should have more manners and this includes my husband. Hope you’re feeling better soon x
I have bronchiectasis and rheumatoid arthritis and with both have been told to avoid coughs and colds especially with the meds thats reduce the immune system and my friends know this. I too have a friend that is so inconsiderate to go round to everybodys even when she has a cold. I have told her but it seems to fall on deaf ears. It seems like your friend is the same. I just dont understand why they dont seem to realise what a dangerous postition that puts you in. I really would have to have a word with her and let her know just how this affects you. Good luck and i hope you get better soon x
It really is difficult sometimes, isn't it? I think the problem with my friend (and possibly yours) is that she never considers that she is ill with anything and doesn't realise that a minor cold for her can be pneumonia for the likes of someone with bronchiectasis. In this case, though, she was coughing for England through the day and night but still wouldn't seek medical advice. She was proud of herself for managing without meds and continuing to walk miles despite feeling awful!
She has never really been ill since she was a child, so how can I expect her to have the first inkling of what it feels like to be in hospital on oxygen?
I will certainly let her know how unwell I've been since coming back and I will tell her that I think I caught it from her. I'll tell her we will need to be more careful in future. I can guarantee she will agree but will take no notice when the time comes!
I know Moy , its so hard for these people to understand just what it means . I worked with people that would come in to work with streaming colds saying they hated to be at home and had so many times asked them not to come near me. I had a desk fan for hormonal reasons and would have this pointed at a person if they had a cold just to keep the germs away from me. I am so glad to be retired now and at least dont have that problem anymore x
The same used to happen where I once worked and one by one people would become unwell and take time off while the 'virtuous one' who came in half dead was congratulated for doing so, despite the fact she spent more time wiping her nose and spreading her germs than working!Yes, it is good not to be at work any more! At least we don't have that to worry about now! 😁Xx Moy
That situation annoys me so much ….you try so hard to keep away from anyone with the least signs of an infection and then a friend who knows fully your health situation lets you walk right into it 🤬 All it needed was a little warning and you would have put the breaks on your going……. Very poor show from you friend 😔
I would however let her know what risks she opened you up to , if only in the hope she doesn’t act so thoughtless again. 🤞xxx
oh no! What a shame.;it spoils the week you’ve had. Still at least you’ve got away for a few days. Does she know you are poorly now. She must feel really guilty.
Stay safe, keep warm and drink plenty. Hunt the little bugs out! 😹. Xx
They are away somewhere else at the moment so haven't spoken to them since we got back. She is unlikely to feel guilty! She never has about anything in all the years I've known her! She sounds awful, doesn't she? But there is another side to her which is why we've remained friends all these years. It's just that she has no understanding of illness whatsoever. xx Moy
to be honest I don’t think many people can comprehend what we go through because they haven’t got these things. I know my Sons tell me I should do this or that. Maybe if they had seven spinal fractures they would be like me. When I had Covid and Shingles together I only had me to do things for myself. My Sons are all busy with their own lives and don’t have time for me. I have got one that rings me every day and gets my shopping on line but that’s not like coming to see me every week. That’s how your friend is I’m afraid. You need to tell her when she comes home that she gave you that awful cough she had and you have been really poorly. Also say! Maybe if we are going anywhere another time you could tell me if you have any coughs and colds.
That's what I plan to do. We'll have the conversation soon, I'm sure.
I'm sorry to hear that your sons are not stepping up, but I understand because when we were young and had our families and fulltime work to contend with, our parents took a bit of a back seat, especially mine who were a long drive away. We did our best for our inlaws who lived closer, especially when they became ill, but I still feel guilty about my parents as we didn't see them often enough. Before the M4 motorway was completed it sometimes took 8 hours to get to them and, of course, phone calls were very expensive and no Facetime or anything to keep in touch with. We had one car which my husband used for work and no child care if I went by train and left them behind. I used to thank God that my brother was only 2 hours away from them and hoped he did his bit! I was 29 when Mum died and 33 when Dad died.
I do understand how difficult it is to put yourself in someone else's shoes and so if I sometimes think my familly might be a bit more understanding or offer a bit more help, I try to remember how it was for us when we were having to keep all the balls in the air at once. I must say that our son, who lives locally, will drop everything to help us in an emergency and his wife is very thoughtful. Our daughter lives an 8 hour (or more) drive away and when she visits, the kids have to come too. It's great to see them all but it can be exhausting being a group of 6 when it's usually just the two of us. She is a 'fixer' but if she can't get a gadget from Amazon to help, with whatever the problem is, she's at a loss. She will shoot around with the vacuum cleaner, which is helpful but doesn't think of making a drink for anyone other than herself and only thinks of feeding her own family unless we ask her to get something for us. She isn't selfish, she just doesn't think as she's not used to looking after other people. Her in-laws live near us and so she doesn't see them often either.
I do like my independence, though, so don't really want people fussing around me! My husband laughs sometimes when I rig up some gadget so that I can do something myself instead of asking him to do it. He always says, 'Why didn't you just ask me?' and my answer is always, 'I like to see if I can do it myself first so if ever I'm on my own, I'm not helpless.' He understands, but does find it amusing sometimes.
you sound so like me. I don’t like people fussing around. I’d sooner do things myself although I can be in agony doing it. My Son that does my shopping on line for me stayed with me all day when my T12 went in my back I couldn’t walk even to the loo. It took all day of ringing 111 before they cottoned on that I needed an ambulance. All my boys would be the same if I really need them.
When my Children were growing up my Mum was always there to help. My dad would bring her up. When they became very frail I started to take my Father shopping. I did that for a few years. When they were really frail my Sisters and I took it in turns to look after them. Then one dropped out and said she wasn’t going to do it any more and the other said she was only going to do it once a week. My Husband wouldn’t let me do it every day as we were getting older. So I had to arrange for carers. I still did the cleaning and went up every night to check on them. It was a hard few years but I wouldn’t change it. Now I’ve got cleaners as I can’t do it any more. I’ve had to adapt things. I had a small sack truck I bought in case I needed to carry any potting compost in. That was when I was still capable of doing it. I put a smallish round basket on the top I attached it to it. I can now bring in my shopping from the car. I can carry my washing to the ironing lady and I can take my rubbish to the bins. I bought some summer plants to put in pots. I carried them in on it. It’s the most useful thing I’ve got.
Where there's a will there's a way! Great idea!We needed slate chippings for something in the garden. We got someone at B&Q to put the bags in the back of the car but couldn't lift them out when we got home.
We also have a little trolley for taking compost through to the garden so we split the bags, filled small containers (liftable) and took a few at a time through. It took a while but we managed.
I think we should start a thread of helpful hacks, don't you?
I’m so sorry you had such bad holiday, hope you can do better next time. I’m of age when all my friends have either died or withdrawn socially, have to admit that I was youngest in group. Best wishes Jean xx
The holiday itself was mainly enjoyable. It was coming back with an unwanted souvenir that I didn't like. We had some days when we went out on our own as well as time together. We had a particularly nice day with my sister in law who we haven't seen for about 5 years.
Like you, I find that many of my friends are older than I am. They're all important to me and I don't want to lose anyone too soon! That's one reason I had a rant on here before tackling the issue with my friend. Good friends are hard to come by and we need to accept them warts and all, don't we?
I have been in that situation also. It's very annoying that someone I'll would gather with others regardless of lung issues or not. People that are ill need to protect others. And I know it's hard to say anything when all are good friends. Sending you healing vibes ... hope you feel better soon!
Thank you for understanding. I'm feeling a lot better now but still not right. I'm just hoping it doesn't turn into a chest infection. So far, so good! Xx Moy
You have my sympathy, it’s a difficult situation when the person who makes you ill is a friend. However, friends should have much more consideration than that. I’m afraid that I’m at the stage now where I would rather lose a friend than be ill for months & end up in hospital. If people don’t understand & can’t either keep away or, at the very least let you know in advance that they are poorly, then do you really want someone in your life who is so inconsiderate that they would make you ill? I ended up in hospital with pneumonia & a lung abscess due to a chest infection which I caught from someone at work. Needless to say. I work permanently from home now.
There will always be people who think they are wonderful because they turn up to things (work included) when they should be home in bed because they're ill. They take pride in their strength to carry on through thick and thin and think the rest of us are wimps. They don't notice how many of us then fall by the wayside as a result of their actions. In fact, if they notice at all, they give themselves a big pat on the back for not letting whatever bug it was keep THEM at home!
Of course, many of people say, 'It's only a cold.' and don't realise how devastating the consequences can be. It takes time to educate them all!
Some of my problem is that I'm now looking and feeling much better than I have for years. I believe my friends had almost forgotten about my lung issues.
I will let them know that I've been unwell since we got back and, if we plan to go away with them again, we'll make a contingency plan.
In so many ways, they are very good friends and I don't want to lose them. We have to weigh everything up, don't we?
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