Help my brother please!!

[cammeag]

Hi all I mainly post on liver disease. But...my brother, who is 63, has emphysema. He has trouble getting out of bed or breathing...and wait for the whammy...smokes 20-40 a day, refuses to eat and has gone from 10 stone healthy to 5 stone(resembles concentration camp victim) in about 5 years.

He lived 500 mile from me.

I visited for a week in beginning of December. Got him down to 7 cigs a day and two good healthy meals.

He has now returned to normal ways. Because I told him the cold facts of where he’s heading he’s not talking to me at the moment🤷‍♂️🥲.

Any suggestions?

[Hidden]

I’m sorry but it is impossible to help someone who has set themselves on a self destructive path and refuses to help themselves. You are the one who needs help and support. You have done everything you can and yet have to stand by helplessly whilst your brother carries on the downward spiral. I really feel for you.

[cammeag in reply to Hidden]

Thanks littlepom. We do not question loyalty to family. Charity does truly start at home. If we cannot be loving toward our siblings, then who? Thank you for your kind words x

[sassy59]

Hi cammeag, what a sad situation you find yourself in but what can you do? It seems as if your brother needs you by his side all the time but that can’t happen as he lives 500 miles away. It’s a desperate situation.

Is there anyone who can help him who lives closer?

There’s not really much else you can do sadly. Please look after yourself and be safe. Xxx

[cammeag in reply to sassy59]

Thank you for your supportive words sassy. He lives with his wife, daughter(38) and two grandchildren. His wife attempted Suicide in November and daughter has bi polar. It really is a ridiculous situation. If it weren’t for my loved ones here(Sussex) I’d be back in a heartbeat, at least until he improved or died, but that’s not an option.

Wouldn’t it be great if there were a drug I could slip him and it made him obedient for a couple of months😁

Anyway, I dream. Thanks for reply, take care

[sassy59 in reply to cammeag]

Wishing you all the best in such a difficult situation. Take care xxxx

[Hidden]

Sadly the situation is in your brother's own hands not even his doctor can force him to eat or stop smoking, it is his own choice. He is responsible for his own choices, you are not responsible for his life.

It's sad he is not talking to you but again this is his choice not yours. The best you can do is just let him know you care and will be happy to chat anytime. Text, write a letter of email.

Make sure you look after you, focus on your wellbeing first.

Other peoples choices, voices, actions we can do nothing about, we can only offer suggestions but ultimately the choice is theirs alone.

[hypercat54]

Hi what a horrible situation for you and I am sorry. I have to agree with the others though that he has the right to make his own choices. It sounds like he has given up which is understandable but very tough on those who love him,

One tip - rather than nagging him to give up smoking try building him up and telling him you believe he can do it. I am sure he knows as well as you how bad it is for him and making him feel bad about it only reinforces his inadequate feelings.

I have moderate copd caused by smoking and it wasn't until I joined a quit smoking site where I got encouragement and support that I was able to give up. My mother nagged me for 40 years about it which never worked.

However after 17 months where I felt much worse I did go back to it and made a conscious decision to choose quality of life rather than quantity though I know it will kill me in the end.

[peege]

I agree with what others say, can't add more except I do feel for you but even more so his poor close family. Would speaking to the person who buys the cigs help? They could get him nicotine patches from GP plus a bit of support from the surgery?

[Izb1]

You really cant force someone to stop smoking even though you know it will kill them. Its so sad because it is an addiction. The only thing you can do is be there for him and let him know you how much you care. Feel for you x