Anyone else feeling let down by their partner?

[GrouchyBear]

Hello everyone. This is probably an unusual post, but feeling upset by my partner's attitude every time I become ill. We've been together almost ten years, and she loves and cares for me in many ways; but every time I am in hospital (or even a trip to A&E) she is conspicuous by her absence. Just curious if anyone else experiences this, or indeed if I am expecting too much...

[sassy59]

Hello GrouchyBear, I suppose everyone is different. I tend to go everywhere with Pete as he likes to have me with him. Mind you, things are very different these days because of covid but I still tend to tag along.

Have you tried talking to your partner about her reasons for being absent when you’re very poorly? Maybe she’s scared, but I’d try and talk about things. Good luck. Xx

[Hidden]

I had 22 years of it. Then when I decided to get rid of him he told the court that although I claimed to have a lung condition he had never seen a sign of it!

[2greys]

Heads or tails, 2 sides of the same coin. It has taken a few years to stop my partner from wanting to go with me to my appointments. She is a worrier and that can rub off on me, making me anxious, not for myself but for her. It is a strange old world and none more strange than folk, perhaps your partner has a phobia of hospitals, one she will not admit to.

[Suzie42 in reply to 2greys]

My husband is a worrier and turns me into a nervous wreck. Last February when i had to go in for consultant appt to see if i had IPR my husband couldnt come as he had knee replacement a few weeks before, so my daughter came. Oh what a difference. We were calm and relaxed, she asked really useful questions and i came away thinking i wish it was like that everytime. So going forward i go on my own and 10 times better. Not everyone can cope with illnesses and my husband is a prime example.

[corriena]

Maybe she is having trouble dealing with the seriousness of your illness. If she dosent see you being treated she can deny to her self how bad you are. Maybe when you are well you could have a chat about it ?

[judes]

I will fully confess to not being an expert on relationships had three divorces. I’m now just a mad cat lady. However, will concur with 2greys is she frightened of hosp or doesn’t want to admit you are ill. Make time to try and talk.

There’s always hope I’ve been quite poorly this year and tho I haven’t seen my former partner he’s been very good with our son who’s 25, taking things to the tip etc.

Never give up hope

J

[helen1946]

it does sound like either a fear of hospital or maybe she thinks if she pretends it isn't happening it wont.ask her about it but in a non confronted way.it does sound generally she is a loving person . but many people are like this ie.if they don't think about it won't happen.be wellx

[Badbessie]

My wife is excellent at most things however she definitely falls short when it comes to illness. She as her own phobias when it comes to hospitals, needles etc and to be honest I feel calmer without her being there as she tends to fear the worst and mildly panic. She does care but is not the nursing sort and does not know what to do or say. Perhaps your partner is the same? Not everyone as the talent to be good at supporting people and they often feel they will say or do the wrong thing.

[cofdrop-UK]

This must be so hard for you GrouchyBear. We are all different and although I prefer to go to consultations on my own, I prefer to go with family when they need support. So it appears to be a different approach for both patient and carers.

Your wife needs to know how you feel and by the same token you need to know how she feels. A quiet conversation at a settled time and place might be helpful, asking how she feels rather than you don’t.... You sound to have a great relationship but as this is upsetting you, it really needs airing.

I am sure she loves you very much and has her reasons or is fearful.

Good luck

Love cx

[tomc]

Because ( I suppose) I had always been a hard worker and very active, My wife always passes criticism at my lack of energy.However, when I was admitted to the gastro ward for an Ileostomy op, and then a pulmonary embolism extending my hospital (in do & out) procedure to almost three months , she visited every day and I could see genuine worry,

I think that may have turned to disappointment on my release.

But the most annoying thing about her is her over indulgence at me, taking over the conversation with the GP saying things like "what about his feet? I think he takes to much medicine" It is hard for our partners to understand what we deal with, SO, along with educating ourselves, we have to educate our partners and try to get them to understand our pains and aches and puffing like Thomas the tank engine IS OUR PAIN, so please do not think my dear one, that you are a GP.

Our pain is our own pain only we understand it. I think you will be surprised just how much your partner loves and worries for you.

[cofdrop-UK in reply to tomc]

It’s so difficult, even when you know it comes from a good place. My late Mum had a very to the point GP and I used to ask in front of gp to Mum if it was ok for me to just explain what had happened and then I would sit back and just listen. She was glad of it as she was hard of hearing.

I used to go with my sister to the surgeon and nurses when she had breast cancer as she was so overwhelmed and asked me to ask anything I thought applicable, probably because we are so used to med situations. I would still ask if she and the surgeon minded if I asked a question.

I guess my way of preferring to be on my own could have it’s drawbacks, in that if I were in a position where I couldn’t speak up for myself, then nobody has followed my medical issues which would have been gained by being present at consultations, and many of you could fight my corner. . So I guess there is no right or wrong - just what suits the individuals concerned.

Cx

[GrouchyBear in reply to cofdrop-UK]

Thank you for your two insightful replies. It is true that there is no right or wrong approach. But, the romantic in me believes that long-term partners (we are not married) should be there for each other in an hour of need, however inconvenient it might be. I use that word as it often seems to be a case that she can be loving and caring so long as it doesn't require her to go that extra mile. It is not as if I expect her to go to every appointment with me, but when one is hospitalised or taken to A&E, surely it should be the natural response to be at the partner's side. We have discussed/argued about this before, but the scenario repeats itself...

Apologies for wittering on!

Thank you again for your wise words.

Kx

[cofdrop-UK in reply to GrouchyBear]

You are not wittering on at all K. You are very hurt. It is natural to hope a loving partner would want to be at your side when hospitalised or in A&E. I wonder if after your ‘discussions” you have felt the issues have been resolved, if so it must hit very hard when nothing has changed.

I think sometimes people will go all out when someone is in an acute situation with something from which they will get better but it can be a different matter with an ongoing chronic condition. I notice for example that as I have all my life had frequent hospitalisations I only get cards from newer acquaintances or friends and I bet that will ring bells with lots of folks.

I hope this can be resolved and wish you well K.

Love cx

[GrouchyBear in reply to cofdrop-UK]

Good morning C. An early morning reply as I'm on my way to work, puffing away happily.

You are correct, we have seemingly "resolved" this issue a number of times, but the next time I hope she will step up to the plate I am disillusioned once more.

You are again insightful about people's (and even friend's) attitude towards chronic, long term illness. Even when friends ask how I am, they hope for the polite "I am fine", and if they are prepared to listen their interest is finite. Like you, I have long since accepted this reality, but in the case of whom you hope is your life partner, one who supposedly loves and cherishes you, these "rules" should not apply...in my humble opinion, anyway!

As you suggest, and allude to in your profile introduction, a lot depends on which illness is involved. People can relate to heart disease and cancer, but more obscure, non life-threatening conditions do not have the same cache. For instance, I also have Crohn's disease, and over the years have been more likely to experience amusement than concern.

Wittering again and I am at my station now. Have a good day.

Kx

[watergazer]

Many people have given you reasons as to why this is happening. Probably best to have a chat and say how you feel. Xx

[GrouchyBear in reply to watergazer]

Thanks, I will try!

[ninelives]

Everyone is different-my family insisted my lung problems were "all in my head" until I needed to be resuscitated.Now it's never discussed in the hope I will miraculously jump out of bed and say "yeepee have healthy lungs and no bone lesion!".

Think fear has a lot to do with some folks response to illness.

Hope you can resolve this issue soon

[GrouchyBear in reply to ninelives]

Thank you for your reply, which made me laugh 😃 The partner in question suggested a while back that "I'm addicted to pain", so I know where you are coming from. I think her response is more laziness/selfishness, than fear...

[Alberta56]

It's difficult and ever so slightly irritating when one's partner says or does the wrong thing. Hope you can sort this out.

[GrouchyBear in reply to Alberta56]

Thank you for your reply - you are not wrong! Lovely cat, by the way 😊

[jmsutt73]

This must be very difficult for you. My husband is always willing to go, but he does not like to go with me to doctor appointments or want to discuss what I may have learned at them. He is in denial and he wants to stay there. So I let him. He lost his mother when he was 18 months old, and our only daughter soon to be six years ago, and he is scared. We all are different. Perhaps it is too overwhelming for her to see you in actual medical environments. All good wishes. J