I have multiple health issues. Has anyone experienced their marriage falling apart because of it. We have been together for 27yrs 2yrs ago I suffered fatal issues relating to my lungs, 3 month stay in ICU, patly in a medical coma. Survived being resus 2 3 time DNR but I survived. 2:yes still recovering my husband is my full time carer. Just lately we argue over him not spending time with me. I can not get through to him. Has anyone else had similar problems, if so how did you deal with it?
Many thanks in advance
Annie
26 Replies
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That’s so sad for you both. I expect your husband is constantly anxious about you, and quite possibly clinically depressed.
I don’t think we always realise the strain our illness puts on loved ones.
You’ve been very, very ill and your husband has several times had to face the prospect of losing you. It’s probably brought him up short, the realisation how precarious life can be. Maybe he just needs to escape your illness now and again? I can understand that. No one can say what’s going on in someone else’s marriage. You need to have a calm talk about it.
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Thanks Hanne62
I have asked and asked he never tells me why, except for lies, by that I mean he says things to me knowing it will hurt me, then we go around in circles. I then put the barriers up then stop taking meds which I know isn't right but that is how angry I. Feal. I wish there was somewhere I could go for restbite. I know he does a lot for me, but I can not see us staying together if it carries on. I spend most of my time in bed. I don't get to see other people than him. For example today in 24 hrs we spent 10 minutes together, he did not even speak to me, when I asked why still no response.
I’m just going up to bed but by chance saw your post.
Life is hard at times and sometimes we don’t know how to cope. My soulmate John died 15mths ago and we had our ups and downs through 45yr of married togetherness!
But we had so many positive, enriching,, events that kept us together- but we loved each other and that’s the end game
I’m soooooo glad we had the end times together , a bit like a honeymoon time, we shared the days and became generous and sensitive to our needs
I sorry for the tension and unhappiness your experiencing
but I’m gonna pray for you to find a gentle, peaceful spiritual aura, to hold his hand and smile. Ask him to try and tell you how he feels and how you can get to be comfortable in each other’s days
Hi I am sorry to hear this, and also your health issues. I presume you are getting the benefits you are entitled to? If you are not sure you can ring the BLF helpline and ask to speak to the benefits advisor.
I'm not excusing your husband's behaviour but it must be tiring to be a sole carer. Do you have any family/friends who can help out? Maybe your doctor can arrange some respite care to give both of you a break from each other?
Hi Annie , my advice would be to give your local hospice a ring . As you have been so ill , they may be able to arrange to talk to you and your husband separately , to find out why he is feeling the way he is . There are several stages you go through as a full time carer , until you can accept the changes as a couple and the completely different life to how it is now . They can help you too as you recover from your very severe illness , and maybe able to offer you some help . xxxx
This is so sad to read. I know we all go through Spells where we get on each other's nerves Part of the problem is being together 24/7. I have noticed the difference myself in the 2 years since I stopped working iowasds3110. I think regardless of anything else to me you would carry on caring and loving your wife or Husband in those circumstances Perhaps a respite break from each other would help you to reassess you Thoughts and feelings better and as to what you want to do Sadly me and my wife have difficulties over enjoying our retirement in respect of where we live Which is causing major problems Hope you manage to sort things out. Brian
How sad and challenging for you both. My thoughts go out to you.
When I was caring for my previous husband during his last illness before he became too challenging for me to support, I sometimes dreamed at night of murdering him because supporting him was so intense. I had to get away for a week, which I spent in Elie in December 1998 - that helped to reset things for a year.
My present husband cared for his mother until her death the year before we married. He is the mildest-mannered man I've ever known, but the pressures of caring for her began to make him angry and he had to walk away to stop himself being aggressive with her. The social service carers who came in occasionally to let him get out for a while, noticed and arranged for respite care for her so that he could have a break from caring.
Please get social services involved. They should help assess your situation and give information and support based on that assessment.
Wishing you all the best and a resolution to your present problems.
I can't advice you on your marriage but I will share my experience.
I have been ill myself for 4 months now feeling extremely tired and unable to do basic house chores. This has put so much pressure on my husband. he is working from home + was doing all the house chores. This was making him tired and less patient for my repetitive health worries.
Initially that made us both irritated and caused friction. I cried non stop feeling useless and un loved. While he got more tired - physically and emotionally to the extent that it started affecting his health as well. One day he stormed out of the house for few hrs to clear his head and I also got few hrs to myself at home. It was then I realised how space is so important to clear ones head and re-set the things.
I am otherwise a very positive and cheerful person and realised that a bit of space really helped me a lot to see the issue. It was only when I could empathise with this situation, I could see how worked up he was getting due to my sickness, his work and housework. I expect a lot less from him now. Instead of being critical and focusing on my health issues, I focus on how lucky I am to have him to care for me and how grateful I am to have him by my side during this tough time. It's not fair to put my loads of expectation on to him. My expectations are now with me. Whatever he does is a bonus. Instead of complaining I express gratitude. I do have my lows but it's not about him, it's about situation and I make sure it isn't during our special times like walks, meals, bedtime. This helps us keep our fun time fun.
We both have started to connect more with our friends and families. Spend some time doing our own things. It really has made us value each other more.
Expressing gratitude, introducing humour, finding a fun activity to do together, giving space - worked for us.
Dear Annie, Reading your post made me feel so very Sad for you. I remember your First Post when we all welcomed you and Tried to lift your Spirits. You are still young at 49 to have all these awful Health Conditions, I feel for you. I even asked my Hubby how he felt about being my carer, and I do not have all your Health Problems. It can be the Pressure of a carer, Does he have any Time for himself? does he have any Hobbies? You may be able to get Respite care if you contact your local Marie Currie whom I have heard do not let anyone down regardless of their illness. You or your Hubby need to Reach out to receive Help and to lessen the responsibility for You & Your Husband. I wish for you a Solution Annie. We are here to Listen and Help when we can. Lots of Love to you Both. Carolina. xxx
This made me feel very sad for you both. I see you say you spend most of your time in bed If that’s a necessity then please ignore what I’m saying. Maybe, if you took baby steps to sit in a chair, change rooms etc. It would be of great help to you both. Please don’t stop taking your medication, not helping the situation, it will only make your husband frustrated and you more poorly. Maybe start making a puzzle and hope he joins in or watch a tv programme, that he likes, even if you hate it! Also, encourage him to go out and then show interest when he returns asking where he’s been, were shops busy etc? 27 years together is a long time, I’m sure you can get back on track, even if it’s a slightly different one. Joy. x
Hello, it is very difficult at these times to keep a relationship going on an even keel. My relationship became completely changed just like yours when my husband suddenly became seriously ill. We even ended up in seperate beds due to my chronic illness and his terminal diagnosis . It was very difficult, giving up work too be with my hubby especially when others seemed more concerned with the families feelings not ours. Sadly it left its mark on my future feelings, but you have a chance to talk about yours , what about counselling. ? Or as you have done seek out others in the same situation as on here. The COVID has only brought back to me how cruel life can be to some of us. Do try to talk to your husband if you love each other you will find a way we all cope differently and react differently to situations. Every best wish to you both.
I don't know all the facts in your case but there is something that can happen to carers where care love can turn suddenly into hate for the source of your pain ( temporarily in many case. e.g. When the person is beyond physical and mental exhaustion from pain from lifting etc, fear of the person dying , being responsible for someone's life, and frankly disappearing yourself, not having the right to your own life, monotonous medical and caring routine at the same time as immense anxiety, and on and on. As a carer myself, who hasn't had a day of in 6 years, and can't get any help, I've experienced this after nights and nights of lack of sleep and physical pain and anxiety. Personally I go back to normal as soon as I've had enough sleep.
I'm not saying this is what's happened to your husband but if possible try not to take this personally. You mention he wants time away but you want to convince him to spend time with you. That is draining for any man actually. He may also be trying to distance to try and prepare for a time when he will be alone or perhaps he's just tired to the core and beyond bearable psychologically or physically. So even though your condition makes it hard to think beyond your own serious issues, perhaps he needs the space to "want" to come to you as a person not just a responsibility? I'm only talking from the perspective of a fulltime carer - sometimes we "disappear" and can't cope ourselves and this may be your husband's way to cope - Again what do I know!
Sorry you're going through this - chronic illness is challenging for everyone . But if your husband loved you for so long, he still loves you.
Sometimes in life talking is a very difficult thing to do and this goes for both people involved. Whenever I have got to a stage in my life where this happens then I find writing down how I feel and how I think my husband might be feeling very helpful.
My writing letters to my husband, even though he is living in the same house, I believe has saved arguments, it is the very last thing either of us want. At times my husband has been surprised by what I have written but this allows me and him to speak calmly and openly. I also write notes and tell my husband how much I appreciate everything he does for me and I will never take that for granted.
Writing things down will help you get your feelings out of your system, give it a try even if you do nothing with your letters it will allow you to read your own thoughts and ask yourself many many questions about yourself and what it is you wish and want from your husband and whether this is reasonable.
Please take your medication not taking it will be giving the wrong message to your husband and he just might be thinking you have given up on trying.
I feel 4u both.must be heartbreaking for ea of u. Do u have a wheelchair - it would do u both good to get out,fresh air,birds singing,change of scenery.if hubby drives,go out 4 a drive,take a flask,put music on u both like,park up somewhere with a view. U have both had a hard time.i hope u can work thro probs x
Is your hubby going out or just not spending time with you. maybe he feels overwhelmed by all the chores that you used to do and that are now his responsibility.
I am sure you are very sad and down and miss your life and whilst it is hard for your Husband to be the carer it is not easy being ill and having to be cared for either, especially when it is your husband that has taken on that role.
Are you in pain? It is so hard to join in or think about leaving your bed if you are in pain. Do you have better days or is everyday difficult.
I hope you can sort things out with Hubby. Maybe he can start by bringing up a Morning coffee and sitting with you whilst you drink it.
I am sure he is sad that you are so unwell and he probably feels a little helpless. Men like to be able to fix things and get frustrated when they can’t and we Women do not like being helpless and not able to do the things for the family that we used to do. xx
Hi. Yes, sadly after 39 years we are on the edge of breaking up. My wife is recovering from chemo and radio therapy and has 'burst' a disc in a fall resulting in painful sciatica. I have multiple disabilities which leave me feeling absolutely useless and I get very angry with myself (not my wife) when my former high order skills (manual and mental) turn into incompetent fumbling. My anger involves constant and sometimes shouting swearing; I'd never used bad language in my life before now. This seriously upsets my wife, even if she's nowhere near but can hear it (like now, as I'm swearing about my having to struggle with typing this entry because of essential tremors). we have talked about it and I've agreed I would leave her in our cottage and move out. The only thing stopping this now is I'd need sheltered accommodation and that's beyond reach.
Unfortunately this is not unusual. I am in a lung transplant group and have read quite a few posts where partners, husbands, wives have moved on once the going starts to get tough. And this occurs more often when the women are the patient.
I think there are a number of reasons. Where to start...!? 😰
*Men are less likely to have a circle of friends to confide in. Unlike women who find it easier to talk about issues and request for support, men tend to try and manage everything on their own causing a lot of stress, anxiety leading to poor mental health. Typically men rely more on their partners for support when times are tough, but when that rug gets pulled out from under them, they no longer have that support system and are much less likely to confide in friends than us women. (Just my point of view)
*Traditionally, women are usually in the nursing role. And some men may find it too overwhelming to take care of all their spouse's personal needs. Maybe feeling inadequate to manage personal , around the clock care.
*Upon marriage when we take the vows "in sickness and in health" we think of sickness in our sunset years. Not in our thirties , forties or even fifties. The prospect of having decades of life as a carer can be very overwhelming for some. Imagining that caring for a partner will eventually become a full time job is enough to send some people packing pretty quickly.
*I think also there is a "jump before being pushed" mentality in some partners . A fear of having to see their spouse pass away and essentially leave them. So they feel better taking matters into their own hands before it gets out of hand so to speak.
I don't know you or your husband so my ramblings above may or may not help you get some understanding. In your situation I'm not sure how much normalcy you can maintain, but if possible try to keep day to day life as normal as you can, eating meals together, watching tv together, having tea together . If he has a close relative or friend maybe arrange so that they can meet up regularly so he has someone to confide in and discuss his worries and fears with. How do you get to your hospital appointments? Does he take you? Or is he working? Maybe that's also a worry. Is there anyone who can help you with hospital runs?
I know the last thing on your mind is humour, but if you can both muster a bit of waggishness, I think it will help immensely. Sorry for my rather long reply.
Good Morning Dear Buddy, You are so correct in your Reply to Annie. you are a Therapist I'm sure. When I first read Annie's Sad post, I asked my Hubby how he felt as my Carer in Comparison to Annie's Husband. He could not envisage not wanting to care for me, Bear in mind we have 17 years age gap. He 51 me 68. We can laugh Together, as we have made a Concious effort these last 3 months to do so. Of Course, I can still do a lot for myself with my Other Mate, Oxygen, so we compromise. We Plan( not for anything Pacific) just Future Dreams. It Takes Two to Hold a Marriage Together. Annie is still young at 49 though very Poorly, I do feel for her Mentality. I do hope & pray Her Husband can realize that he may not have her for Longer and to Stop his own selfish feelings and give Annie The Warmth she Craves. Stay well Dear Buddy & Chom & Your Girls. Much Love, C. XXXX
Very difficult situation hopefully things will improve for them . I think your hubby is very unique and a genuine good man. I'm so happy you have him. Much love to you too!! xx ❤️😘 🐕
Hi I have moderate COPD and have been a full time carer for my husband for 14 years. Without going into detail he was in ICU and rehab unit for five months. The man who came home was the opposite of the one who I married. His psychiatrist was concerned that I was suffering from PTS and equally worried that because the illness resulted in no recollection of the time spent critically ill, he could not acknowledge what his son and I went through. I too could be accused of being selfish ( I was shocked at that someone could infer that your husband is being selfish. He’s a human being not a robot) but as a down to earth Yorkshire lady nearing 70 I have to cope, without family nearby, and although my relationship has changed from wife to carer we are both fine with that. I can go out with friends and have breathing time. (Lockdown has been extremely hard for carers, the forgotten key workers.) So what to do? I don’t know either of you so I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do but if you can get your husband (via a third party perhaps) to tell you, write down how he felt and now feels, it could open the doors to better communication between you both. So many family break downs are routed in a lack of talking skills. I know because I’m not a talker more of a doer! The in phrase at the moment is be kind. You both need help and big hugs. Good luck
Is your husband still looking after you full time. I do sympathise with you. I was in similar situation when I was going through my treatment for cancer and radiotherapy. I had to organise transport to take me for my treatment, shopping and cooking etc. I still fell bitter about it. He might be finding it difficult to deal with your health issues too. Take care❣️
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