I am now bereft of the plot and lunacy is seeping through the window.

[Tansycat1]

Hi everyone, hope you all are having an easy day. So, to recap:

I have just had my 60th birthday, which actually is something of a surprise as I never expected to last this long, apparently that is what many of us think when we are bright young things. I am fat, over weight, obese, and a bit of a dumpling, my children and grandchildren seem to not care too much about this, because I give the most awesome mummy cuddles. I am an ex smoker, I stopped 22 months ago after smoking for 42 years. Cold turkey. I have been plagued by some rather spectacular illnesses over the years. I have mental health issues that go back to childhood, but came to a complete breakdown of biblical proportions about 5 years ago and am on many tablets for all types of things.

After I stopped smoking the wheeze I had had for many years stopped almost overnight and clearing of my throat disappeared too, so then I was just waiting for my breathing to improve and my chest to feel lighter... but this hasn't happened. So, most recently I saw a trainee GP who really got the ball moving, if there was an Olympic sport for getting things started, she would win. I have had a meeting with a registrar at the hospital, chest xray, blood gasses, blood pressure, ECG and I am awaiting a spirometory test that is in about ten days, I failed my last one miserably. Then, in the meantime, I had a call from the consultant's secretary because he wanted me to have a heart scan, so was only three days between phone call and scan/ heart echo. While he was doing it he asked me if I was on blood pressure tablets, I am, I have been on them since afore mentioned trainee GP put me on them about four months ago. but why did he ask that question?

Good.

Fine.

Right.

Now Mr. Anxiety has come crashing up through the floor and is devouring me. Why did the young man doing the scan ask that question? Why does the tightness in my chest seem to be worse, why am I finding it harder to breath? why do I find myself subconsciously holding my breath?. I have had a letter saying there is nothing remarkable about my lungs that has shown on the tests I have had so far, but I have not had heart scan results yet, and the dreaded spirometry test still to do. I am on a healthy eating regime, we don't eat processed food anyway, I am exercising, and I am frightened, so very, very frightened. The anxiety is overwhelming, and threatening to take over, it has affected my memory, there is no clarity in my thoughts, I forget a thought before I have had time to process the thought, and all this spiraling is taking it's toll on my chest tightness and breathing.

Sorry for massive rant. I know so many of you are having to live with the things I so fear. You are wonderful people. Your courage and personalities shine through in your writings, I am in awe of the way you handle things. Thank you so much, I feel humbled by your stories and attitude.

[Katinka46]

Hello Tansycat, I remember your previous posts, and we have been in touch before. You are a writer and in spite of your anxiety you have a most engaging, honest and witty way with words. You also have insight into your problems which is a huge part of the battle. I am not going to tell you not to worry because you will. But can it be contained? If I get a bit anxious I go into worst scenario mode and actually think about the worst thing that can happen. Because, for me, and I do appreciate that it may not work for everyone, once I have set that scene and walked around in it then it kind of puts it in perspective and just day to day survival is a bonus. But if that does not resonate with you ignore this batty old Zebra.

Glad to hear from you again and I am sure will on board soon with their words of support and wisdom.

All the best

Kate xx

[Katinka46 in reply to Katinka46]

P.S. word missing: it should read: “I am sure others will be on board...”

[Damon1864 Volunteer]

I think you are very courageous just being able to rant about it helps. We all I am sure have gone through that feeling of uncertainty and being frightened, but it helps in a way to make you stronger.i know it will not seem like it now but it will improve just give it time. You rant all you want if it makes you feel any better, I hope you start to feel better soon,please keep posting and take care. 😊 Bernadette xx

[Candyred]

Aww my friend I read this and shed a tear for you.. believe me I am exactly the same .. you sound so much like myself honestly you do.. I thought I was reading about me! .. I can’t even read the tablet information leaflet cause within ten minutes I’ll have everything they have mentioned .. I eat and sleep copd .. it’s my last thought at night and my first thought in the morning.. my anxiety as well as my depression is just awful .. I covered a lot of it up when I was younger with drink and drugs now a days I panic taking steroids!.. you need to try to stop your mind from racing at 100 mph .. I knit or listen to music and think positive thoughts .. I try to keep myself as upbeat as I can I know it’s hard I really do .. I went to my copd nurse last week and she told me not to come back to her again as there was nothing more she could do for me .. I was devastated.. upset and bloody angry .. but it’s fine, I’ll speak to my consultant when I go see him .. keep posting on here as all the many different comments will help you realise that your not alone .. chin up my friend xx💘

[breatheeasy1]

Hi Tansycat thank you so much for writing all this down and sharing with us..sometimes that's the hardest part. Sometimes just writing it all out or talking about it helps to organise our thoughts and make them smaller...more tangible somehow. And if they are small and tangible, they can be squished.

I spend many hours worrying and tying myself in knots over both tiny things and the biggest things, and I find sharing and writing my fears down really helps. Then show that list to whomever can help...your nurse, a family member, us 😉. I like to try and tackle my fears if possible so they can't grow.

I agree with candyred too, find some activity to help channel your energies and your mind a little...distraction may help.

I do wish you calmer and more positive days very soon...keep talking 😙❤

[skischool]

Tansycat,try not too worry to much about the question you were asked on your recent heart echocardiogram,it's a standard question the technician asks and also nothing remarkable on Lungs letters normally mean fairly ordinary age related battered lungs with no serious underlying disease so glass more than half full and filling all the time,just need to do as others have usefully suggested and concentrate on reducing the anxiety.

You are super creative in your writing and imagination so use that creativity to calm a restless mind.

Love and best wishes,ungifted Ski's and and a neurotic cat.xx

[ScouseTaffy]

I feel your angst x

On a lighter note surely if you failed your spirometry test you'd be dead?

[Tansycat1 in reply to ScouseTaffy]

Lol! I did it, but instead of a blow it came out as a drawn out cough, the nurse doing it thought her equipment was faulty. I did one about 3 years ago and watching the nurses screen there was a rabbit running, the idea was to get the rabbit to cross the finishing line... any way, they have changed it now, but I think I liked the rabbit screen better, I so wanted him to cross the line, lovely little chap that he was.

[HungryHufflepuff in reply to ScouseTaffy]

The other day at my appointment the nurse couldn’t find my pulse and said, You have no pulse. I thought awesome, I am the undead, and being a vampire would explain a lot, being pale, not sleeping at night... 😆

[ScouseTaffy in reply to HungryHufflepuff]

Im so glad you were dead too, I felt alone.

My sats were 69 once after I threw myself onto the floor and the paramedics were telling me I should be poorly not laughing and joking with them.

I'm happy to report with my O2 umbilical cord plus BIPAP my sats are in the high 80's.

Good luck with your next bout of tests

I hope you have innards for them to look at. My mum doesn't have innards, she says she's like a plastic dolly - empty, this is because she's very squeamish & doesn't like to think of all that blood and organs swishing about inside her. Some members of the family feel there really may be some truth in it as her head is empty?

[HungryHufflepuff in reply to ScouseTaffy]

Maybe if we get enough of us together we could make our own zombie movie. Or am I mixing my undead metaphors.

👻🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧛🏻‍♀️🧛🏻‍♂️

[shouty in reply to HungryHufflepuff]

I'm in can we do remake of Michael Jackson's "Thriller"

[Tansycat1 in reply to HungryHufflepuff]

Love this post Hungry! x

[juney_99_antique]

I feel humbled, Tansycat, by reading through the problems you are having. You are coping much better than most and certainly much better than I do. My main problem at the moment is getting rid of mucous and I am making more fuss about that than you are with your host of thoughts and problems. I do not often write on here but I always read everything. Certainly you make me feel humble and I am going to try and pull myself together from today, do more and stop moaning so much (to myself, I must say as I tend not to put my problems onto others)! Thank you so much. Juney

[Tansycat1 in reply to juney_99_antique]

Hi Juney, great to hear from you, thanks for your lovely reply. Luckily my sense of humor, that, it has to be said, is not everyone's cup of tea, keeps me afloat most of the time, I try to look for the positive in all I do, Mr. Anxiety frequently knocks me back, but I try to learn something positive from each encounter, even if it is only that I have to ride the symptoms for a little while, until my poor mind and soul are healed enough to challenge the next visit from the awful, dreadful man in my head who refuses to lay low... but one day I will get him, oh! how I pity him for that moment. Hope your day is wonderful xxx

[Hacienda]

Hi Hun, A Problem Shared..... Just throw it our way, we will help as much as we can and Most of us have been through the Anxiety and Dark Places. Lung Diseases are the Pitts, The Meds make us have Mental Problems, Yes, it's True, been there got the T Shirt..it says Same SH...Different day. Your Words are a True Writers Hand, Not that I would Know. Stay Positive Beautiful Lady. Be Good to yourself. Love n Hugs. Carolina XXXXX

[Izb1]

Hi Tansycat, I dont have any words of wisdom to offer you but think you could write an awesome book. My motto, try to take one day at a time, care of yourself today and let tomorrow look after itself. Keep us updated Irene x

[Tansycat1 in reply to Izb1]

Thanks Izb, my life has been full of inspirational moments, I have met some magical people on my travels, I have met some demonic people. I try to squeeze out information, weird and wonderful facts and joyous experiences from everything I do, even if I am just looking out of the window. For instance, a man has just jogged down my road dressed in beige t shirt and shorts, it is dull and raining, he is about my age, 60, he had great legs with wonderful calf definition, I quite fancy him! That moment was a tiny scrap of gorgeousness, because the man was very pleasing on the eye and made me smile for the four seconds he was in my life. Just little lovely things, with a hint of positivity. My mind sometimes works in the strangest ways, the excitement often startles me.

Have a wonderful day, get pleasure in the smallest of things.

[Izb1]

Meant to say, love the picture of the fish, are they yours, so calming xx

[Tansycat1 in reply to Izb1]

Hi Izb, I was an underwater photographer and travel writer and obsessive supporter of marine conservation. This is one of my favorite pics. They are Picasso fish, part of the Trigger fish family. I felt very privileged to be able to take this shot. They are juveniles probably about 6 inches long and there were about 6 of them, just playing at the reef drop off, they let me get quite close to them - the adults are perhaps about 10 inches when fully grown and sometimes a little shy. I have thousands of processed and unprocessed underwater photographs. I am saving the unprocessed ones for when I become less active.

I have two aquariums here at home, the big tank is home to 4 massive goldfish who have amazing personalities, and the other tank is filled with live bearer fish, platies, sword tails and guppies at various stages of development. I have a separate tank for new baby fish.

Fish have been a very important part of my life for twenty years, they are calming and funny, the goldfish have personalities. I sit and talk to the tanks for about half an hour a day, they are fab!

[Izb1 in reply to Tansycat1]

Oh wow how fab is that, I love fish and often think of getting some, thank you for sharing xx

[HungryHufflepuff in reply to Tansycat1]

That’s amazing, so cool. I love fish too but the clown fish in my picture thingy is just one of the thousands of photos I’ve taken at various aquariums I’ve visited. I would not have imagined goldfish have a personality until I goldfish-sat one time for a friend for a couple of weeks and they really do have distinct personalities.

[Clamdigger]

Hi Tansycat This is a great site you can write out how your feeling .. Whats going on in your life and we can all relate ... I think about things heading in to see the Dr tomorrow find out about my lungs.. After a CT scan they need blood work done... I have been sick over so many things worried for nothing and worried over what was confirm.. I have learned to what till the diagnose... Deal with it then.... This is a great spot for writing out what your going through wonderful group

[Tansycat1]

Hi Clamdigger, always lovely to hear from you, I hope you are having a great day, I am already in love with this group. I just find writing about stuff very cathartic. It is just sometimes nicer to write in the positive, and I can wallow in self pity at other times. Today I chose to be positive, even though climbing the stairs a little earlier a tad stressful.

[Clamdigger in reply to Tansycat1]

When to the Dr's and she gave me my report on my lung functions test but couldn't find the report for getting blood work done.. When I got home she missed it on the report she gave me .....This is what it says on the report.....There seems to be antitrypsin deficiency.... .. It was over a year ago this report.... I didn't know that it can show up on a spirometry test I thought it was always blood..... My uncle that didn't smoke died of COPD,I think he might of had this ..., I have to wait two weeks two find out if I have this or not... I keep reading it over and over again... There seems to be antitrypsin deficiency.... I find I'm going over the words does it mean maybe or might be .. I'm scared of this diagnose I'm hoping i'm wrong..... Its rough ......

[Tansycat1 in reply to Clamdigger]

Sometimes I think doctors should video themselves and then play it back, they would then see that their choice of words or statements are very frightening to people who are already in an exceedingly vulnerable place. Their choice of words cause worry, anxiety and a sense of hopelessness, and we all know how anxiety affects our symptoms. We need positive statements, they may be harsh to hear, but we know where we are and then can move on to get the help we need, and to understand our conditions moving forward.

I know there are some very good doctors out there, but even the best could do with going on the "talking to patients" course.

My heart bleeds for you, and all the uncertainty you are going through. I had to google the conditions you have written about, none of it makes any sense to me, the terminology is like a different language. You need to be calmed and handled like a little bird for the next couple of weeks, because if I had gone through what you are going through, I know my anxiety would spiral of the scale. Sending big cuddles and lots of love xxx

[Kristicats]

Useful information I was given once upon a time “thoughts are just thoughts, we all have them good or bad. The trick is to acknowledge them as just... thoughts ...then look around you and see what is real” cx

[Tansycat1 in reply to Kristicats]

Hi, yes you are absolutely right, mindfulness teaches the same thing, but sometimes I think the whole package of ones life makes the web just too exhausting to manage. Only when it broken up into smaller pieces can it be tackled. However, when you are dealing with one segment can you be certain that all the other segments are running tickety boo?

It is somewhat of a bewilderment to me sometimes. A bit like having a basket of frolicking kittens.

[Kristicats in reply to Tansycat1]

It’s easy for your mind to go into overdrive when faced with more than one life problem and it’s hard sometimes not to focus on the negatives I know. I’ve tried to train my mind and regularly mentally ask myself is that just a thought in my head ? What is the reality? What is really happening here? Try to understand and make sense of one thing at a time to dismiss them . Often things are not related. You are still young as I am and have 40 years maybe to get the best out of? Cx

[Tansycat1 in reply to Kristicats]

Again you are absolutely spot on. I was in therapy for quite a while, and it was so difficult for me to concentrate on just one subject, my mind would just scatter like dropped marbles, and it was nigh on impossible to get them all back. I live my life by spreadsheets, I do them for all sorts of things, I suppose that is my coping strategy. I love my Bucket list spreadsheet best, and I am going to have to live a long, long time to achieve even half of what is on there.

[casper99]

I suffered terrible anxiety, like you have Tansycat. It lasted a few weeks and I honestly felt like it was going to kill me off !!!

I left it too far too long to tell my GP about it but, he sorted out new meds and counselling/group wellness classes and the attacks finally stopped. I let them get too severe.

Don't leave it too long to get help, I have two other conditions but the anxiety was by far the worst to deal with. xx

[Tansycat1 in reply to casper99]

Hi Casper, so nice to hear from you, I am sorry you too know the horrors of anxiety, but pleased to hear you are finding ways to calm it, the problem is it sometimes manifests itself when you least expect it and it bites you on the bum!

I have had it since childhood, but it took over my very being about 5 years ago. Without telling anybody I ran away...to Egypt, I feel at home in Egypt. I let people know I was OK and on my own, but I didn't let them know where I was going until I was on the plane.

Then when I got home, obviously I had to face the music, I went on a 3 day binge of prescription drugs that I had been hoarding, and I started self harming, and the rest, as they say, is history. Now I don't see my friends anymore, they understand why, I probably catch up with them in a call once a year. My poor, poor darling Colin has been ridiculously good with me and allows me all my little weird and wonderful ways, we have an amazing relationship, I love the man with all my heart. I will never be able to work again because it has left me with quite a few phobias, but I try not to indulge myself and give in to them, Colin and I have learned what to do and what to avoid, and today all is good with the world, but tomorrow could be a different story

[Tansycat1]

Hi Casper, so nice to hear from you, I am sorry you too know the horrors of anxiety, but pleased to hear you are finding ways to calm it, the problem is it sometimes manifests itself when you least expect it and it bites you on the bum!

I have had it since childhood, but it took over my very being about 5 years ago. Without telling anybody I ran away...to Egypt, I feel at home in Egypt. I let people know I was OK and on my own, but I didn't let them know where I was going until I was on the plane.

Then when I got home, obviously I had to face the music, I went on a 3 day binge of prescription drugs that I had been hoarding, and I started self harming, and the rest, as they say, is history. Now I don't see my friends anymore, they understand why, I probably catch up with them in a call once a year. My poor, poor darling Colin has been ridiculously good with me and allows me all my little weird and wonderful ways, we have an amazing relationship, I love the man with all my heart. I will never be able to work again because it has left me with quite a few phobias, but I try not to indulge myself and give in to them, Colin and I have learned what to do and what to avoid, and today all is good with the world, but tomorrow could be a different story