Today is Thursday
Happy Thursday
Sunny Thursday
Laughing Thursday
Chuckling Thursday.
Oh my goodness I think I have lost the plot
If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.
Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
I can't get enough minimalism.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you don't succeed, try left field.
When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!"
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
Germit McDermit,
a crabby old hermit,
has never been out of his shell.
He doesn’t like flowers
and never takes showers.
You’d know by his horrible smell.
His friends never call him,
for he doesn't want them.
He just wants to stay in his home.
So don’t be a hermit
like Germit McDermit
or you’ll end up old and alone.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She’s very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Where as she likes lazy days
He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favourite food
And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he’s handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Where as she won’t even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I’m sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband
He’ll also be her friend
And she’ll be more than just his wife
She’s be his soul mate ‘till the end.
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
and bring so much happiness, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
and I'll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done, I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry. I'll run. if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud till the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
I'm an old worn out shoe.
I am not very new.
Sitting all by myself
On an old dusty shelf.
My white laces are worn
Tattered, tacky, and torn.
I've walked a million miles
On carpet, floor, and tiles.
My slick, slippery heel
Is a banana peel.
My color is faded,
The style out-dated.
My mate has gone astray.
I'm left here to decay.
Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!
What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!
Where do flies go in winter?
To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!
Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned!
"Tell me" said the tourist to the local yokel. "Will this path take me to the main road?"
"No sir!", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself!"
Why are you covered in bruises?
I started to walk through a revolving door and I changed my mind!
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
What is the best day of the week to sleep?
Snooze-day!
How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?
A phew!
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host!
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams!
What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!
What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!
Why is perfume obedient?
Because it is scent wherever it goes!
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
Then why aren't you laughing!
What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark?
Jaws Washington!
Why is it not safe to sleep on trains?
Because they run over sleepers!
Why do you keep doing the backstroke?
I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach!
How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?
She was maid in France!
Who invented underground tunnels?
A mole!
Why did the clock get sick?
It was run down!
I think that this will do for thursday as I am not too well tonite.
Breath Easy my friends , have a great sunny Thursday and remember tomorrow is P.O.E.T.S day..
Yours
Berwick xxxx
Joke Laurate
xx Happy Thursday !
Daily Laughter Thursday
