advice needed

Good night all,

I m in long term relationship and my significant other has always been the most incredible person to me, very kind, supportive and compassionate. However being someone who has suffered from asthma from the age of 2, as well as seasonal and food allergies, migraines and insomnia, I am what most would consider poorly, although I have managed to take care of my conditions on my own and do continue to do so without involving him. Do you suppose it's selfish of me to conveniently leave out the parts of my days when i m poorly or have cons appointments or hospital trips due to asthma. I don't want my significant other thinking of me as sickly and I guess I m hoping it wouldn't be an issue it I don't mention it. Also his mother is against our marriage plans because she says i m sickly and he deserves better. Any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you sincerely.

Jasmine

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HI Jasmine,

Not sure how much I can help - definitely not with his mother, though I'm sure others on here have had experience of dealing with hostile in-laws/future in-laws.

I can understand why you don't want to tell your SO about being ill, but I think you probably need to let him know that there will be hospital trips etc and that you have some issues. He doesn't have to start coming with you to appointments or anything (I know I would hate that no matter who it was or how supportive; I'm very private about it all even with family) but it is a part of your life and I would say he needs to know about it if this is a relationship for life and you are planning to get married.

If you live with him, as I assume you would when you're married if not before, how are you going to conceal it? He needs to know what to do if you have an attack, and if you don't tell him and then something happens in front of him he won't know what to do and will be quite shocked and upset- it's bad enough watching when you're used to it and know what you should be doing, but if he had no idea... He sounds like a lovely guy, I don't think he's going to suddenly start seeing you as someone who can't manage for themselves - he already knows you and you're dealing with it at the moment ok.

Sorry for rambling - I hope this is helpful. I do get where you're coming from but I think it's not something you can really hide successfully from a close partner and won't be great for either of you, or your relationship, if you try to.

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Maybe u should have a sit down talk with ur boyfriend and explain how your asthma is and how u feel about it and ur relationship. My wife is a great support ... When we dated she knew I had asthma ... She knew I needed a lot of meds to manage it.... When it went haywire and managing it became an issue she came to an appointment with me..... She didn't cope, became really upset with what we had been told. I found the Consulation more restrictive due to this I couldn't ask questions in case she got upset further. . We since agreed I go on my own and tell her the good bits and explain the other stuff when I'm ready . The benefit of her knowing is when I'm not able to talk with an asthma attack she's able to inform the dr exactly wots happening with my treatment.... Sorry for length of reply

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I don't like being unwell but if my SO is going to be apart of me I share it. Because real love will handle the good and bad. In laws will say what they will but its his decision to make as he is informed about the nature of your ills, right.

Gill

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Dear Gussypoo and Philomela, Thank you very much for your responses, they mean the world to me.

@ Gussypoo- I m so sorry to hear that you ve needed a lot of meeds to control your asthma, and I hope its under control now and that nellie is acting up. I m very glad you have a supportive wife I m sure it helps tremendously having her near, good on her. I do agree with your point it is important that my SO knows of my treatment plan, as well as what to do in the event of an attack. He knows what meeds I m on, mainly ventolin and symbicort as a preventer. He knows me well and is usually quite observant so much so that he instantly knows something is amiss if I m responding with one word answers and incomplete sentences as I m usually quite chatty, also he gets worried when I start coughing and if my hands are shaky and I refuse to handle any fragile/ valuable objects he knows its the ventolin shakes and tries to calm me. Its just after having been friends for the past 9 years, a few nights ago he called me sickly and he's never done that before, which made me worry that he believes his mother's opinions of me , which are less than favorable and center around things I cannot change like my illness and petite frame, and you d tend to think she'd understand since she's worked in health care. Having grown up in the home I did, I ve essentially had to take care of myself and my asthma, it also means I became very good at pretending to be alright. After numerous episodes my parents label it as attention seeking and don't believe its asthma, I have many consultant visits and admissions to prove otherwise. In fact my family are not aware of my meeds or that I ve been admitted for nebs and then discharged after being sorted. If its a bad day I simply trudge off to work and hide in my office, if things don't improve I go into A&E to get sorted and then once I home just keep to myself and hope it settles.

Dear Philomela, thank you for your response and no need to apologize for the length, thank you for taking the time to respond. Yes I ve heard many stories of hostile in laws and sadly the way things are headed mine aren't fond of me because they claim I m sickly and not beautiful enough for their son, such is life I suppose. To be quite honest my asthma was terribly uncontrolled, frequently waking me in the middle of the night and then requiring copious of blue just to barely settle things. Since

I ve been on symbicort though things have been very well controlled and I ve even skipped a few days because I was feeling that much better. Sadly stress is one of my triggers and the past few days have been quite stressful especially with future in law related issues and then my SO who is understandably quite distraught about it taking out his frustrations at times with me and being quite disenchanted with me but ultimately I cannot change the fact that I have asthma or allergies or insomnia, they are part of who I am, and I may not me very well at times but I have never asked anyone to sit and hold my hand or to take care of me, I ve always been very self-reliant and I continue to do that even though there are times when I m sitting alone in hossie dizzy, nauseated,shaky and exhausted that I do find the thought of someone to rest my head on quite nice but I ve never had that and I would never ask for it. Sigh its been such a long week and asthma is acting up and I ve kept it all to myself. I m sorry for the rant and the length of this post. I m just exhausted, unwell and afraid I ll lose my SO because of things I cannot change. If anyone reads this thank you sincerely. I hope everyone is well. Have a pleasant night.

Jasmine

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Hi Jasmine,

I think you sound like a very strong and independent person and someone to be admired. Being unwell is not a personality trait, and therefore not a weakness in someone. It is something that can happen to anyone at any time, maybe your future mother in law needs to remember that.

Maybe she is a type of mother who will never be happy with who her son chooses to marry so my advice would be to continue to be the strong, independent person you are and it is your relationship with your partner that is the important one. Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself and your achievements.

Good luck, Jac xxx

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Jasmine,

I've been there with the mother in law from hell, she never liked me because I was shy, more clever than her (wasn't difficult!!), thinner than her (again wasn't difficult!!) etc etc. She always said me and my hubby would 'burn each other out', didn't like it because he was spending time with me over her. I just though, you know what, this is me and I'm not gonna change for anyone, your son loves me just the way I am, and if you cant deal with that, its your problem not mine. We got married and had our own house but she still didn't like it. In the end her overwhelming jealousy and bitterness actually pushed her son (and in the process, two young grandchildren) away and we haven't seen her for a number of years now. And I've got to say, our lives are so less complicated now. Sorry for the ramble, but I guess my point is that I'm sure your husband will see his mum for what she is, he's chosen you over everyone to be his partner for life, and he didn't choose his mum.

And I know what you mean about keeping things private and getting on with things on your own, my upbringing was very similar, but you know that's not the right thing to do, and now you have the opportunity to change things. I didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult, but still when I told my mum, she didn't believe me! So I find it very hard to discuss my asthma with anyone, including my husband, but I thought about it and made sure I told everyone. I thought it's up to them whether they believe me, or even care but now if anything serious were to happen, they've been told beforehand.

I've gone on now, sorry but just wanted to let you know that I know to some extent how you feel. As someone else said, you are obviously a very strong person who's found a very special man. Ignore what others say, they're only jealous and perhaps when he called you 'sickly' he meant it as a (not very funny) joke. Tell him how you feel, that been called that upsets you.

Feel free to pm if you'd like, take care xxx

And don't let HER upset you and make you poorly, she ain't worth it!

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Oh Jasmine, I am sorry that you do not have the support of your Mother in Law to be. The fact that despite poor health you do your utmost to manage by yourself should count as an excellent part of your character. Perhaps your mother in law to be is afraid, and covers her ignorance by being unpleasant about you. Why don't you arrange a time with your mother in law, perhaps arrange to meet for coffee some where, and ask her what she is afraid of, I know not an easy task and not one I would relish either, but if you are ever going to have a chance of a good relationship in the future perhaps it would be better to get what ever is bothering her so much out into the open and discussed. Also I think you are very lucky to have such amazing partner who is willing to take you and your health issues on board, having been married very happily despite many health concerns myself, I understand what the other half has to put up with, and for every day he is with me I thank my lucky stars that I have a special loving and accommodating husband. So regardless of your mother in law to be I wish you are your partner a very happy long marriage together.

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Dear Katina,

Thank you for your kind words and helpful suggestions, I will most certainly have a go at that not so pleasant but very essential task. Although I ll admit we ve had a lengthy conversation at her home, just us two and I reckoned it went rather well, however SO informed me that night of what his mother really though of me, gues who’s rubbish at reading people, oh well I suppose it is always better to know the truth even if it requires copious amounts of blue. She is a wonderful lady , well educated and very hospitable. Its been absolutely wonderful to hear that you and hubby are happily married and both coping well with your asthma, it gives me hope knowing that many people lead perfectly happily married lives even with health issues. Your charming lad is indeed quite a gentleman, good on you Thank you for your kind wishes and I will most certainly keep you informed as to how I get on. Have a pleasant evening. Cheers. Jasmine.

Dear BooBoo,

I m so sorry you ve had the mother-in-law from hell, my most heartfelt apologies, but you re an incredibly resilient person getting through it, asthma and all. I m happy to hear that you and hubby are happily married and with two wonderful kiddies. No need to apologize for rambling on dear, its anything but , I enjoyed reading and understand your point. I am me, health issues and all, and yes at times it can feel a bit over whelming I know that I can endure it and make it through to another day. I do think when we re living on our own it will be less complicated for us both, for the moment we have to both weather the storm and trust in each other. I am quite overwhelmed withh the support and compassion I ve received thus far from being a member of this amazing community, thank you all for the support and listening and proving very useful feedback. It means more to me than you imagine. Thank you. I did mention how being called sicly made me a bit upset, and it was meant in jest and not to be taken seriously, see you were quite right. Feel free to PM me anytime should you feel the need to. Thank you once again. Have a good night. *hugs*

Dear JF,

Thank you for your kind words and faith in my ability to weather the proverbial storm, it is much appreciated. You are quite right my illness does not define me, its my decisions, thoughts and actions that do. I have been through quite a lot and I reckon it must get better and I am going to make a conscious effort to have the future I d want with my SO, and our future children. Thank you for the encouragement and unwavering support. Have a pleasant evening. Cheers, Jasmine