Triggered by other births

[Strawberryyogurt]

Does anyone else find it triggering to see other people have their babies and posting about a 'normal' postnatal experience? I know that social media is such a snapshot and not the whole picture but I feel this deep grief/jealousy when I see birth announcements and pictures of people breastfeeding and settling into life with their new babies. I feel so robbed of that experience. Does this get better in time? I don't want to be this bitter person and I want to be happy for my friends. I am six months on from my episode of PP and so sick of the recovery and how much this illness has taken from me.

[38andTTC]

God yes. I struggle to imagine it ever not being painful, although it’s not the heart-wrenching experience it was for me a few months ago, so maybe it will get easier.

If ever someone has a second child, I find myself thinking how they must definitely have had an easier ride of it than me or they wouldn’t even contemplate getting pregnant again - and it makes me feel envious. I’m trying to turn it round to a positive though and remind myself how difficult having multiple children can be.

The other day I was chatting with a new friend who had a relatively easy pregnancy and postpartum period and I found myself telling her a little bit about what I went through. To my surprise, she told me she’d had psychosis several times in her life and was under the local perinatal team as she was considered high risk for a repeat in pregnancy. That was a wake-up call to me that you can’t judge people on first impressions and there will be others out there who have been through hell, even if it doesn’t seem like that on the surface.

Admittedly that isn’t the majority of people, but still. At least on this forum there are others who know what it’s like to go through something similar ❤️

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Strawberryyogurt

I’m so sorry to read that you are sick of the recovery and how much your illness has taken from you, six months on from your PP episode. It does seem so unfair when you hear of those ‘normal’ deliveries without any of trauma we experienced. Rather than settling into motherhood, we were battling to recover.

My episodes were a long time ago now but I remember close friends and family with their babies and wondered why oh why my experience was so different. Are you having support now from community mental health? Perhaps you could talk about how you feel in your recovery and maybe go to a mum and baby swim session or baby massage just to meet other mums locally.

APP has cafe groups in some areas where mums can either meet up on occasions, weather permitting, or chat via Zoom. The link for info is app-network.org/get-help/pe.... I’m not very good with links so I hope that works.

I think time’s a great healer and looking back now I was so lucky to live through such a traumatic experience and have the precious gift of my children. Be gentle with yourself and take care 🌻

[RachelK_at_APP Moderator]

hi strawberryyoghurt

I’m Rachel, I had pp back in 2016 with the birth of my daughter. I went on to have a son in 2020 with no reoccurrence of pp.

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I too have felt jealous/bitter about families who seem to have it all perfect. Just remember most people only share the good/perfect bits and might not share any struggles they are having.

I felt like that after having my daughter, I did some baby classes but felt so anxious out and about that I didn’t enjoy them.

When I had my son, it was lockdown so we again didn’t get out much, I managed one 6 week block of baby yoga before my maternity leave was over!

It’s hard not to feel this way and do share how you are feeling with a partner/friend/ on here. And it has got easier with time for me. It’s still early in your recovery.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Rachel

[Climber-mum]

Dear Strawberryyogurt, I definitely sympathise with how you are feeling regarding your experience, especially when comparing to others who may have had it easier. I had PPP back in 2020 and it took me a very long time to reframe my feelings of being robbed / missing out on my newborn experience. Therapy was definitely helpful, and so was time... It's a great healer... My only advice is try to take it one day at a time - you are doing great, mama ❤️. Looking back, in spite of my psychosis - I still feel very positive about the whole experience. I think it was helpful to focus on some positives - maybe good memories associated with pregnancy - and build some new good memories with the bub/family... As these things will be the ones you will eventually cherish for the rest of your life.

I have gone on to have another child this year with no reoccurrence of ppp.

Take good care and feel free to reach out. You are never alone. Xx

[WonderWomanUK]

Hi, I think this is so important to talk about! Yes! It’s coming up to the year anniversary for me and I’ve had some amazing times being a Mum and I’m proud of myself but I can’t shake those darker times and it just want how I wanted it to be!

With regards to multiple children this also makes me emotional as although I’ve seen so many positive second child stories. Currently, right now, I don’t want to risk going through that again.

I agree with one of the commenters it does get easier. But I am also considering more therapy myself just got to get the timing right!

All the best with your recovery.

[Hazello Volunteer]

Hi strawberry yogurt,

I had pp in 2016 and then had another child in late 2019 without a recurrence of PP.

I feel that in general the grief and sadness about the experience does diminish with time. Although I will be honest that there are times where I'm surprised by the strength of my emotional responses to certain things. For me close family members recently having first babies has triggered a lot of emotions, sadness, grief, jealousy of how smoothly they've found it. I've been slightly taken aback by the emotional response I've had to these births. It's a journey and the grief will resurface at times, however pp no longer takes up much space in my head in day to day life and that is so different to the year or two after it happened. We are changed by the experience but I think it also makes us more sensitive to recognising when other women are struggling, and a depth of empathy that we might not have had without the experience.

What you've been through is really difficult and it's totally understandable that you'd struggle with comparisons. I've been on the other end recently which has been slightly strange. Somebody I know won't have any contact with anyone in our group because they've all got children and they're struggling with infertility. It's such a human instinct to compare and social media makes it much worse, but a lot of people people have a difficult story to tell, whether that be a traumatic birth, miscarriage, mental health struggles, relationship breakdown, etc etc.

One way I've tried to tackle things in the past was to try to focus on the good things happening in my life. I haven't kept it up but this discussion is making me think I should go back to it! I would write something I was grateful for in a journal every day. It could be something tiny like a text from a friend, or a peaceful cuppa.

Anyway it's really hard and I hope that with time it gets easier for you.

Best wishes

Hazello

[Irishgirl1710 Volunteer]

Hi

Yes I did in the beginning, especially family and friends. The birth of my nephew triggered my second stay in a MBU.

I've found with time it has gotten easier to accept when others have a "normal" postnatal experience. I have been lucky to experience this myself with having a second child and no reoccurrence of psychosis.

Ailania

[EquineBeauty]

oh for sure. Jealousy big time. It’s been almost a year since my PP (so still early days) - but I remember the first 6 months - it’s all I thought about. My best friend was pregnant with her third and I wished her congratulations but I was so so jealous. Why couldn’t I have 3 children? And not worry about going to a psychiatric ward? I look back at photos of myself holding my daughter - after I got back from the hospital and I’m attempting to smile - and I looked horrific. My “smile” was slanted down, my eyes were droopy and I just looked miserable. There was no joy in my appearance. But as time went on and the medications started working pretty well, I felt better and was able to enjoy life again and my little girl. (I missed out on her newborn days and I look at photos and videos of her that my family took while I was in the hospital. Because I don’t remember that early stage.)

In the past couple of months my husband and I actually made the decision that we want to have another child. My psychiatrist team is confident that they can manage PP this time around and reading many stories on here - many many women went on to have a better experience so that makes me feel hopeful.

I also have many friends in their 40’s now and they cannot have children. And I think to myself - even with everything I have gone through - I am so blessed to have my daughter. I would do it again, even with the struggle of PP - just to have her again. Many women won’t have the experience of PP, but many also won’t know the joy of a child and that is sad in itself.

Take care of yourself mama. You will get 100% better, it just takes time.

[Survivedwithcolor]

I’ll post my update later today but for now, yes, I get that. I am at the moment - all these years later - still experiencing sorrow at the hand I was dealt.

I met with a psychologist yesterday who treats postpartum women, and she said that going through postpartum psychosis is very traumatic for people.

Do remember though, that what people post online is only the good stuff, usually. It’s easy to think that they have idyllic lives by just looking at their photos and gushing stories of bliss. My sister in law is one of those people. To look at her posts, you’d think she lived the perfect life. Her children are so amazing, everything she does and experiences is magical. It’s kind of sickening. It’s not that perfect in person, and I wouldn’t want to be her. So don’t buy everything you see. Think of the internet as like TV in many ways. It’s only what’s out front that looks perfect.

Also know, that however our children got here, their birth is really only the smallest part of their lives to them. None of us remember our birth and those first years very well, if at all. You will get to know them and love them for many years in a perfectly normal way, just like everyone else.

[Redtap Volunteer]

Hi Strawberryyoghurt,

I am so sorry you're feeling like this now. I remember feeling like that myself when I was recovering. Why Me? Why did other people find it so easy in comparison. It's just not fair.

I had PP back in 2022 following the birth of my son. For a long time I carried the grief that I had missed out on the early part of his life. I was in a psychiatric ward for the first month until I got a place at the local MBU. Nowadays that is more of a sadness but there is acceptance there too. Life is not fair and we have to live with the cards we are dealt so I look for positives. My episode strengthened my relationship with my husband and made us a strong family unit. I developed empathy and an understanding of mental illness that I never would have had without the illness. I think this has made me more aware of what people are not saying and has made me more willing to help other people.

It is hard when you are struggling, to be happy for others when you know what they are experiencing at the moment (be it another pregnancy for example) will not be as straightforward for you. Those are normal and understandable feelings to have so don't beat yourself up about it. It is hard at the moment, it's only been 6 months but keep going and you will come out stronger. You are not alone. We are all here to help you on your way.

[Marshman]

6 months is such early days. In some ways it is a terrible time because you are back to reality and then getting flashbacks. Plus the medication is key to getting better but I remember having an overwhelming tiredness from Olanzapine the anti-psychotic which helped me recover.

I felt like this lots of the time when I saw friends on Facebook or met people who hadn't had postpartum psychosis. Like you say that chaotic time after the birth when things unravel (I was sectioned 5 days post partum). I don't have pictures of me and my little girl from those early days in quite the same way other people do even though my husband was thoughtful and took lots of pictures. There is a picture of me with my baby in a meeting room in a psychiatric unit and it just feels crap when I see other people with more "normal" post partum pictures. You're not alone in that feeling.

Also I felt I had lost myself completely. Before trying for a baby I had been on a 10 day holiday travelling across Europe and Poland. All the things that felt good in my life felt so far away and I couldn't find the same joy in motherhood for a while. But it did come. 5 years on and I am so happy, go out drinking with my friends now and again by love being with my little girl, watching telly with her and chatting about things. You will get yourself back xx

[NMG1991]

Hi lovely,

I too get triggered when I see other people out having the best time introducing their Baby to all their Friends and Family. We had family introductions early on but friends didn't get to meet my little one until they were around 3 months old due to me being in a Mother and Baby Unit for sometime and then simply needing to recover at home for a while.

I feel sad that our excitement of having a Baby was met with so much uncertainty and hardship however I am glad it was me that had the health complications and not my little one - I would rather me than them.

My friend has recently announced she's pregnant and I was triggered as I so want another Child myself however I know that comes with such a high risk of becoming ill again so it's something we really have to preplan and think hard about.

Your feelings and the way you feel are so valid. I hope with time you'll feel a little less triggered by what you went through. It's not an easy road but everyone's recovery is so different.

N x