bond with baby

[Olanzapinelenny]

hello, has anyone felt like their experience has impacted their bond with baby/ toddler?

[MotherOfBears]

I think that is something people experience for sure and very understandable. There is support out there to help support developing a bond, they offered it on my MBU.

My son is nearly two and I haven’t been stable since he was six weeks old. We do have a good bond thankfully, but I do find myself wondering if things would be so much easier without him (which even writing it now makes me want to cry)

There will be lots of women who have experienced the bond not being there and I hope someone can offer you some lived experience to help you feel less along

[x_Amy Volunteer]

Hi Olanzapinelenny, how are things going?

Just wanted to share my experience almost a decade on from PP. At the time, I definitely felt like my bond with my son was impacted and I still find it a bit difficult to look at some of his newborn/little baby photos. However, I can see when watching videos of us taken in the earlier days that there was definitely a connection there, even though I didn’t feel like there was at the time.

I’d say that the photos of him from 6 months + are the ones that I enjoy looking at the most, as it was around then that I started to feel that bond coming along, though it was muted. I think I really connected with that bond when he was between 1-2yrs old.

Warm wishes,

Amy x

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to x_Amy]

Thanks Amy your message was really helpful. My daughter is 21m but I am seeing a continued impact but will keep trying. Although being physically present I think emotionally I have struggled x

[x_Amy Volunteer in reply to Olanzapinelenny]

You’re welcome, and I completely understand the emotional struggle you’ve described. I see the earlier days of recovery as a cloudy sky, which slowly cleared with each passing year. It is still very early days and you will feel better with time, I promise 💐 I second Maria’s advice of being really gentle with yourself, and be proud of the amazing mum that you are x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Olanzapinelenny, such a heartfelt post, I don't think you are alone in this. For the early years of my daughter's life I felt that way, it gave me a lot of guilt, which I don't think helped me to see things objectively. 5 years down the line I can see how my daughter and I are very strongly attached, the time when we were physically separated and when I was slowly recovering weights much less than it used to. x_Amy said something here that really resonated with my experience about the bond starting to come along but it was muted. I think that is an important distinction. Medications side effects and the recovery from pp does dampen our emotions. So do be gentle with yourself, you have been through so much, give yourself peace because you are doing such an amazing job.

Take very good care,

Maria

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thank you for your message, I needed it today x

[Survivedwithcolor]

Remember, your mood and depression are coloring everything you think and do with negative thoughts. That's not you. You love your child and we know because you are posting this. If you didn't, you wouldn't be concerned. That proves that you have bonded with them even if everything doesn't seem totally happy. Remember, that's your mood talking, and the medications, which dull you and dampen your feelings. The real you is still inside and loves your child. Your child knows that. If you think they don't, make extra effort to make sure they do. You can't love a child too much.

I'm wondering why you think you haven't bonded well with your child, if you don't mind me asking?

I was incredibly sick during the first couple years of my daughter's life, but she turned out amazing. Having to fend for herself a little bit taught her to be independent and self-sufficient and in a good way. We have a great relationship now. I think it was harder on my older daughter who was a lot more needy and about five years old when I got ill. She had to do some therapy herself as a teenager, but she got through that and is doing great now. Kids are very resilient. Remember too that raising children is difficult for all parents no matter how healthy. Parenting challenges may just be normal phases of life and not your fault at all.

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

Hello survived with color thank you for your message. I think mood is really impacting me atm but so hard to get out of a funk at times. Atm she’s playing favourites with my husband and mum but she actively rejects a lot of what I do. It’s ok if just the two of us but she ignores or rejects me with other two present. My confidence is so low it really impacts me although hopefully just a phase. To the point where if my husband puts her to sleep she goes off quietly with no trouble. If I put her to bed at night she crys for forty minutes. I’ve tried my very best to always bond with her but perhaps have been a bit emotionally unavailable and self focussed with recovery over the last two years..

[MotherOfBears in reply to Olanzapinelenny]

Sometimes kids prefer one parent over an other for a time, just for no discernible reason. And then it changes back the other way. Happens to quite a lot of people.

I know it feels hard. My 2yo did it with his Dad and it was so hard, I felt like it was because he was doing more with Benji than me. But might be nothing to do with you “, being emotionally unavailable” in your opinion.

It can and will come back.

Equally, plenty of folks struggle with the baby age and feel a closer bond when they child is older and more interactive.

Not AT ALL trying to diminish your feelings about it all, but just to say you are not alone in these experiences, and it might not be because of the PP.

You will know in your bones if it is something you wany support with, and I do understand I really do. And if you feel like you want some support promoting that bond, then there is excellent help out there. On my MBU it was a developmental psychologist I believe who we worked with.

xxx

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to Olanzapinelenny]

I was going to say exactly the same thing as Mother of Bears; many young children do this very thing with parents who have dealt with no issues like PP at all. If it helps, one of these is my own grandson! He is two. I used to keep him a couple days a week from about 18 mos - 2.5 yrs, and he would cry and scream when his mother showed up in the afternoon. I have videos! 😅 My background is in the education of young children, and trust me when I say that little kids do all kinds of things that make absolutely no sense to us and can be hard to deal with, but that does NOT make you a bad parent or mean they don’t love you. Your feelings are completely justified and many parents have them.

There is an excellent book called The Whole Brain Child available in an inexpensive paperback, or if you have a library or a parenting resource available I really encourage you to do some reading about early childhood behaviors and ways you can deal with kids as a parent. I think you’ll feel a lot better knowing that these types of behaviors can be quite normal and many parents struggle with just the same thing. It’s even harder when you have something else going on, which is what’s so very unfair about PP and PD.

You are strong and you are doing so well. Keep doing your best and I think you’ll find it will get easier as your child grows. You can do this.

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

Thank you for your message and book recommendation. I think it’s just hard to seperate everything from negative first experience hopefully my confidence can build in time. X

[Creativeyellow]

Oh, I just posted a similar question and then scrolled down and saw this too! I'm glad to read others replies as I now feel like I'm not alone with this either. I hope they have helped you too in some way 😊