Brain remembering the past but not connecting with it yet

[Astarlove]

Hello good people. Its been a while since i posted. I really am greatful that i have been recovering. I have adjusted well now to my work environment. However um still tryinf ro know who i am and at times i now have flash backs of who i was before the sickness and at times i feel its not me. Even when i look at my photos i feel its not me at rimes. I dont have the who am i question anymore whoch would make me so anxious. But now i fo back to my pasr and tey to xonnect and its really draining at times. Is this part of the recovery process. I just want all to be over and get my normal life back!!!

[Loopy86]

I’m really sorry that I don’t have any answers but I just wanted to say that I feel very similar so you’re not alone xx

[Astarlove in reply to Loopy86]

Thank you so much. Its so comforting to feel you are not alone. If you don't mind me asking are you still on medication. How old is your lil baby now and are you doing any therapy? The process can be so unpleasant i assure u

[Loopy86 in reply to Astarlove]

hey yes I’m on venlafaxine and olanzapine. My baby is 15 months and I’m awaiting therapy. How about u hun? Xx

[Astarlove in reply to Loopy86]

My bany is a year old now. Um on imaprimine. Not yet on therrapy but looking forward to start.... Olazopine was on it.... It was really strong and maybe it was my delusions but felt it made me lose my emotions and who i was. We will get through this... Acceptance is hard

[Loopy86 in reply to Astarlove]

yes I have just come down a tablet on olanzapine and I already feel a little bit more like myself. Hopefully the more we come down on our drugs the better. U r right, we will get there xx

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Astarlove, nice to hear from you I am glad to read in your update that you have been recovering and have adjusted well now to your work environment.

I can relate to what you say of feeling that breakage with your past, pp is a huge trauma and I sort of felt that something shifted in myself and I could not align the same way with the person I was before. With time that shift has reduced massively and I have found big parts of my personality again. Once I did not felt so disconnected from who I was anymore I found that talking to friends and family that know me well helped me a bunch, it is true that we carry our loved ones with us. Doing activities I used to enjoy also brought me closer to the person I used to be, that's why for me going back to work and taking back some of my hobbies was so important.

Take really good care, it is good to hear back from you and do know that things most definitely will get better

[Astarlove in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thank u so much!!! That's so helpful

[yougotthis1 Volunteer]

Hi Astarlove ,

Firstly, I am so pleased that you have reached out on this forum for support, I think the worst thing is to try to deal with these things alone, and recognising these feelings shows that you have good self-awareness.

I am glad that you've settled in to your work environment, that must have been a huge adjustment for you, and is a massive achievement.

I can totally relate to those feelings, personally I felt very lost, I have always struggled a little bit with my sense of identity anyway, and I now know that this is largely due to my childhood and feeling the need to people please. But during my recovery I felt this very acutely and struggled to understand who I really was anymore. I think this can be partly true for all first time mums (not sure if this is your first child?) as you do lose a massive part of your identity when you become a mum. So when you throw in the trauma of postpartum psychosis, it is not surprising at all to feel this way.

In terms of practical advice, I would say find the things that give you a little spark, try out some of the things that you used to enjoy, see what brings out the joy in you and follow that. For me, I used to enjoy reading but could no longer focus on it, however I went back to yoga and I felt I could enjoy it. Over time, build it up so that you can feel that connection to your old self... some things won't feel right for right now but I'm sure you will find your way back to them in the future.

You are still the same person you are, but you will always be a survivor of postpartum psychosis and a mother. We may feel very different in the sense that we are healing from the trauma we have endured, in the same way that people can be different after any loss. But you are still you and you will feel like yourself again.

What really helped me with my sense of identity was identifying my core values. I was able to do this with a qualified therapist, which is recommended. However, if you are not able to access professional support, there are resources available on the internet for Values Clarification exercises if this is something you feel might help you too. I found this very grounding and helped remind me of who I really am and what matters most to me.

If you are unable to access professional help, I would say keep reaching out out on here for support or through postpartum.net/ (PSI International).

I hope that helps, you are not alone in this.

xxx

[Astarlove in reply to yougotthis1]

Thank you so much.... I at times wonder if i hadnt suffered from this how i would have handled motherhood. I always wonder. Will google for value clarification... Cant afford therapy for now. Yes hez my first baby

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Astarlove,

pleased to hear from you again and how well you are doing, Some very interesting reflection by mums, who experienced this traumatising illness. Yet, we are all different. Sometimes I can relate to females and their account and sometimes I feel pretty far fetched from their comments. However, this is how we learn from each other.

I can not relate to "becoming my old self again or I want to be like I was before". We are a life form and change continuously, because of biological, psychological and cognitive processes.

Of course, if we experience one or severe trauma in our life time, we will undergo enormous neuro-psychological changes. In my opinion it is all about learning to accept those changes caused via internal and external influences. Striving towards authenticity, loving yourself and looking at achievable goals helps us to self reflect, self-care and become more in tune with our multiple transformation.

Processing your experience and trying to make sense of what has happened is easier to cope with when communicated and shared with somebody you can trust. I had to figure out what works for me in the first few years in order to gain more confidence in how I have changed. Therapeutic support and professional help via therapy can help to open new doors for opportunities.

I never went back to my academic profession. I had to let go of all "unhealthy stressors", which allowed me to heal from within. I agree with the other women that it is important to know what fulfils you and makes you happy. I often find the answers when in nature nowadays, -appreciation and gratitude to enjoy,

Be kind and gentle and listen to your inner voice. What do you want, not what other people expect you to do.

x

[Astarlove in reply to Pikorua]

Powerful thanks dear

[Delucia]

I am 3 1/2 years in recoverd . What I could share with you is to live today. There is emotions and memories will arrive like a wave and then go away and come back, but truly know that you are OK and you are not alone. Be patient with yourself . Take care.

[Astarlove in reply to Delucia]

Thanks so much my dear