Is time really a healer? So many people tell me it will just take time and you will start to feel better, feel like your old self. I’m 20 months in and couldn’t be further from the self I knew.
Do we really just need to come to the self realisation that we will never be the same again. For some becoming a mother changes them for the better and I’d always hoped that would be the case for me, but I’m not so sure.
I try to do things I used to enjoy to feel like the old me again, but nothing matters that person isn’t coming back.
I’m not sure I even know who I am anymore.
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Ally2303
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Sending you massive hugs,... I'm nearly five years on from my PP episode. Not only did I feel the same when I was in the earlier stages of my recovery - like I'd lost myself - I'm now negotiating the menopause, which felt especially frustrating as it felt like it came along just when I was feeling like I was back to being 'myself'. It's made me take some proper time to really reflect on all those things I've been through in my life and how they have shaped them, including my PP experience. Time is certainly a healer, but like anything it's not linear and I see how I've made progress, and then had times when I've had memories, grief and trauma to work through. I am able to see it all with more perspective though now, to see what I have learned from what I've been through and to begin to embrace more positively how much it has given me, how many tools, how many strategies, how much self-awareness. For example, I feel better placed to help friends through the challenges of menopause or traumas of their own. I understand better what depression really is, just how tough life can get. I am feeling more keenly than ever that life is a journey and sometimes we face challenges and in coming through them, although it's awful, we do grow. Life is a constant process of changing and growing, things don't stay the same even without facing the massive challenges that something like PP puts us through... Time has helped me to accept this, so yes, it is definitely a healer...
hi Ally, well done reaching out on here. I had ppp in 2018 and you know what, I would say , I’m definitely Not my old self because that old self knows nothing of what I’ve been through , had no mothering to do, and well life was just a lot different. Perhaps when people say in time you will feel yourself again they mean you will feel well and bright again. That I do feel and that did take time. Without the extreme trauma of Ppp becoming a mother involves finding a new self to a certain extent and I think it’s little acknowledged, the question of how you hold on to yourself when you can barely get to go to the loo without a little person by yourside is tricky to say the least. Ppp is such a horrendous experience I found and with all the meds and just trying to get your head around what happened and the shear helplessness of it all I think can really rattle our sense of who we are. You are still there, here, you’ve been through a lot, we all have on here. Perhaps rather that aiming for the pre person you were it’s about finding the one that is now. Do you have anyone you can hang out with that you enjoy company of? What sorts of things did you like doing you think you still might? I was a artist before and haven’t made anything serious since which is a bit sad but it’s coming , i call it gathering inspiration/ life experience. Still I wish I could have continued but I just didn’t have it in me but it’s definitely coming back. One new thing I enjoyed, I felt helped keep me sane while knee deep in nappies and all things baby was podcasts and or audio books, headphones on and walk, dishes etc it felt like a bit of me time while still doing whatever needed to be done. Sending love, the new you will be there , be super gentle with yourself. Not sure if you have already but talking therapy can help support. I still have therapy. Do let us know how you doing. App have meet ups which you might like to attend, there you can meet other mums that have been through this awful illness. I’m sure one of the moderators can share info on that with you. Sending love and hope you have a good day. ❤️ Xx
pleased to meet you here. I can resonate so much with you, but also agree with Seasky18 and Twobabies. We will never be the same again, and learning to be in acceptance is part of the healing process "the past can not be changed nor can you walk back to it".
When suffering from PPP I was sectioned for nearly 3 months and luckily saved by my partner as I experienced "unreasonable behaviour", I finally was released, because of an external team evaluating my case and meeting my partner and I. It would be too upsetting for people to read if I talked about details of ill-treatment.
The after care was so much better and my own home sanctuary and my partner as full time carer helped me to learn tasks again such as walking, eating and drinking, learning to look after myself and to become a mum.
We all have suffered a traumatising illness. I used to be an Academic in Education and if you look at our learning stages we are progressing, because of our experiences, whether they are positive or negative. We are continuously changing biologically, physically, culturally, mentally, emotionally etc...we do not regress or ever stay the same including our cell production Our lived experience based on external and internal factors will shape us from one day to another.
I do not want to be a lecturer anymore as it would make me terribly poorly. Stressors can affect my mental health as I live with bipolar 1. I can not be amongst crowds, because of anxiety issues...I never would like to let go of my creativity as it is part of my soul food...my moral compass is of a different kind based on none-judgmental approaches, aesthetics, appreciation of nature and spiritual development via meditation, yoga, and Reiki and so much more...the type of people I am mingling with are on the same wave lengths and I am so grateful to my partner and our beautiful sensitive son.
I am happy and fulfilled and momentums are so inspirational. You will tune into your beautiful you and authenticity will shine through.
Take good care, healing means being patient and approaching tasks in stepping stones and at your own pace. Learning to love ourselves can enrich our lives on many levels.
It's Rachel here, part of the APP peer support team. I also had PP back in 2016, and yes, as everyone says - you will get better, time is definitely a healer. However, I also struggled with the phrase "back to your old self". I'm really sorry to hear that you're finding you're not sure who you are anymore. I really hope that this feeling is temporary for you. It was for me. When I was recovering I did honestly think that everything was pointless, and that there was no hope. There was always hope, just sometimes I couldn't see it.
I know why people use that phrase "back to your old self", I really do, I think that it does come from a good place. People care about you clearly and want to offer you reassurance. I suppose why I personally struggle with that phrase is that in amongst having PP... we've also had a life changing thing happen in having children. People who've not been poorly, like us, and had a baby will take time to find their groove as a new parent, maintaining relationships well, with friends, partners, work potentially too. There is such a lot in the mix. So throw in a very significant illness, that is so hugely traumatic, its not surprising that we can sometimes feel like, hang on a minute, when will I feel like me again?!
I went for counselling to help me better process and understand what had happened to me. I had a lot to come to terms with, and a lot of loss to feel peace about. The PP took away a lot of myself, BUT and its an important but, it also gave me a lot too. That's going to sound completely unrelatable I have no doubt. But one day, I hope you too will find those chinks of light, and you'll know what I mean.
None of us would have chosen to get poorly, but for me, in amongst a long recovery, there has also been personal growth. I find that I am much more proactive, confident and don't suffer fools gladly any more! Where as before I probably would have been much more shy and never thrown myself into life the way I do now.
No, none of that happened overnight. Which is what is so sad and yes painful about recovering from PP. I sometimes get asked, even now six years on, "are you fully recovered?". As if there is somehow a magic moment when the memories of what we've gone through vanish and we're all better. My own internal response to that is, that some of the memories of what happened wont ever go, they're just too strong, BUT with each day I get to be ME and watch my small people thrive - those memories are overridingly (is that a word?!) overshadowed by happiness... and yes... piles of washing and cleaning too ;)! "fully recovered" or "fully thriving". I prefer to use the last one and, until you do, we're all here to support you through this.
As another saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village of understanding people to help us to get better. Have you ever considered accessing APP Peer Support? You can read more about it on our website here: app-network.org/peer-support/
And please do write here anytime, we really do understand what you're feeling. And I'm super glad you've had two brilliant replies already.
Well done for reaching out here. Connection with others who can really and truly relate to what you have been it is so important and worthwhile.
Time is a healer and back to your old self our things that get said without really holding any true meaning. Thing will change and get easier and you won’t feel so weighed down or lost…..you will find a new path and ultimately a “new” you which will be a combination of the old you….but with a whole deeper part to you. Finding your way as a new mum, especially when kids are constantly changing and going through different phases is tricky and exhausting so be very gentle on yourself. Try if you can to make time for you….getting back to my gym classes and coffees with friends are a very important part of my week for example.
And keep asking for help…even for the small things!
I just keep telling myself to keep plodding along, maybe I’m waiting for a miracle change and it’s not going to happen like that. I’m becoming impatient with myself and the situation.
To add to the stresses my partner has had a loss in his family. He’s very upset and I’m struggling to pick up the pieces. He’s been the one doing it for so long now it’s my turn and I don’t know if I can. I used to always be the strong one and I want to be there for him but it’s so difficult right now.
Oh goodness I’m really sorry for your partner’s loss that’s really tough.
It might be hard to see, but to be writing here, and being so honest with how you’re feeling - I’m sure your partner would say you’ve come such a long way in your recovery. It’s a marathon, at least it can feel it getting better. But keep on believing in yourself, it’ll be ok.
What does strong look like to you? To me, strong can look different every day. When I was poorly, strong was just being able to open my eyes each morning when all I wanted to do was hide and cry. Strong was brushing my teeth, strong was making a sandwich. Strong was drinking water.
Strong doesn’t mean you have to be everywhere and everything to those around you. Just being there, for your partner will mean the world. My husband went through the mill when I was poorly, I’m sure your partner did too. But you’re a team, so grab their hand and maybe say that you know they’re having a tough time. But you’re a team. And you can keep on getting through this together. You’re not on your own do write here if it helps. Thinking of you both.
Hi Ally2303, I am just reading your thread and I am very sorry for your partner's loss. Most of the time when we are mourning we don't need someone strong beside us, but just someone who can feel our sorrow with us. Be also ever so gentle with yourself as you are feeling this loss too, and stresses can rock our system more than we want to admit.You have had so many lovely replies to your original post, that I don't want to repeat the already excellent advice. But just wanted to say this space is safe for you to share as much or as little of your recovery journey as you want. When I found APP 5 years ago while recovering from PP after my first baby it was a lifeline to find others who "got it". Is such an overwhelming and extreme experience that makes it so difficult to explain to anyone who have not been through it. Do take care of yourself in this difficult moment for both of you, here if you need anything
Hi Ally, goodness that is tough. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss from your husband’s family. It’s so hard when you feel you really want to be there for people you love and feel you are struggling yourself, I have felt that recently with a friend. I’m sure you just being there with him is helping. As Rachel said below perhaps if you might tell him how you feel it might relieve you both a bit. Are you able to get support of other family or friends what you might lean on a bit more ? I think motherhood can feel a bit like plodding along and I wondered if there was anything you think you might like to do? For you? On the note of strength I remember listening to the Zombie mum podcast by Laura Dockrill and really thinking Yes! When she talks about battling with Ppp and what strength is shown. You got this, keep in touch. Big love to you. Xxx
I’m 2 years out from my pp episode. I was told by my doctor that after coming back from the hospital and healing from this I will have “new baseline”. I don’t think we are expected to be our old selves but rather to feel well and healthy. Are you off of meds? Because I will say that I didn’t start connecting with myself until I was off of the antipsychotics however I’m still on an antidepressant. The brain fog is pretty much gone since being off the antipsychotic.
I will say that as far as enjoying the things I used to before, I do not. As an example, I used to LOVE Disney world but when I went there recently I did not feel the same joy and thrill. I guess it’s many factors and not just pp. Recovery from pp has made me grow a lot as a person and realize so much more about life. I guess my worldview has expanded or shifted. I would say focus on feeling happier and healthier and not just being your old self because perhaps you will be a better version of yourself than before?
Hello Ally2303 Yes, for me 'Time is a Healer' is definitely true.
I had 2 psychotic episodes many years apart, I was in an MBU the second time.
The anti psychotics make me feel very lethargic and slow down my brain so that I have very few thoughts.
Once I am fully discharged, my confidence is wrecked as I can't think of anything to say. But slowly I ask open questions about people's weekend/holiday plans, read newspapers, watch popular TV. Anything so that I can try and train myself to converse again.
Eventually I fully get back to my normal self and I live a full life engaging with everything, but it is slow - I have to re-train myself just like recovering from a physical injury.
Good luck, thinking of you. You will get there but you need a little determination 💗
I'm new to this forum and it's great to see the replies you've had already.
I'm 25 months down the line from PPP and my bipolar diagnosis, but have had psychotic episodes since 2017.
I used to grieve my 'old' self, but now I am finally realizing that yes, I don't think I'll ever be back to that person again, but I, like you, have been through so much and I think my old self would be truly proud of navigating the 'new' me.
The new me is only just finding her feet. Navigating life as a mother, something I thought would come so easily to me, when infact I am only just figuring out what works for me and my daughter now.
My old hobbies will have a place in my heart and maybe some day I might find space to enjoy them again. But for now, I try and look at the little things I can do. The small snippets of joy in this new version of myself.
Like, making a nice coffee and eating my favourite chocolate bar whilst my daughter is napping. Or taking her for a walk in the sunshine and hearing the birds tweeting. Looking at the stars and moon in the night sky.
I can't seem to enjoy reading or watching things on tv anymore like I used to, my attention span is much shorter. But these little things get me through, day by day.
It's made me into a stronger person that has a lot of empathy for others, a trait I didn't really have before. Friends and family have opened up to me with their struggles because they have seen me go through the mill and back, and for that, I am hopeful that the new me can find hope and joy in being there for others too.
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Our lived experience based on external and internal factors will shape us from one day to another. 
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