**content warning ** the guilt is killing me

[Mummaoftwox]

Hi all,

I had PP in 2019, I have 2 children and didn’t have PP with my first child but did with my 2nd.

I resent my baby so much I said unspeakable things, and did horrific things, (including attempting to take both mine and my babys life)

4 years on my relationship with both my children is amazing and I love them both so so much. But I can’t cope with the guilt I feel everytime I look at my kids.

I starting drinking a while ago to mask the guilt and allow me to relax of an evening.

Without a few drinks in the evening I cannot sleep, I am in a horrible mood, and I have horrible scary night mares. But if I do drink I can relax and forget for a moment the guilt I hold.

I have just booked a session with a private concealer but I won’t be able to substantiate the payments so need to find something else.

No real question, just wondering if anyone else has experience anything similar? And how you go through this horrible time?

thank you x

[Mummaoftwox]

sorry just realised my auto correct!

I did mean counselor

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Dear Mummaoftwox

I can only applaud your insight and honesty here. I’m sure there’s a lot of parents (and not just those who are recovering from PP!) who use alcohol in this way. It’s incredibly common but often just not talked about. What you describe does sound quite problematic so I’m glad you have at least a few sessions with a counsellor scheduled. Have you been able to talk about this with your GP / family doctor at all? There’s a lot of help available for alcohol use and it would be good to know your options. In the long run of course it would be great if you could get real help overcoming your feelings of guilt - so that the alcohol use just isn’t necessary.

I hope you know that PP is NOT your fault. Your actions when you were in the midst of the psychotic episode were NOT your fault. It is a severe illness that strikes at random, and you’ve done so incredibly well to recover from it and build such a great bond with your children. I really hope you can see that.

Do let us know how you get on with your counsellor - hope it goes well and brings you some comfort and resolution!

Best wishes,

Kat x

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer in reply to Kat_at_APP]

ps I’ve just checked out resources on the NHS website and they suggest:

Drinkline national alcohol helpline on 0300 123 1110

Alcohol Change UK alcoholchange.org.uk/

Alcoholics Anonymous helpline on 0800 9177 650 alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

Al-Anon Family Groups helpline on 0800 0086 811

[Mummaoftwox in reply to Kat_at_APP]

thank you Kat I really appreciate it x

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello Mummaoftwox

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting so honestly ❤️ My name’s Jenny, I’m one of the peer support coordinators at APP.

I’m so sorry you suffered from PP after your second child and went through such awful experiences.

As KatG has said, I think using alcohol in this way is very common and I think you’ve already taken some really important and brave steps in recognising it’s an issue and reaching out for support, both by posting here and booking a session with a counsellor.

I too hope you’d be able to access some support via your GP and via other sources at very low cost or free of charge. 

With regard to alcohol use, Drinkaware also has a lot of information, tips and points of contact for support - drinkaware.co.uk/advice/i-n...

With regard to the feelings of guilt you are trying to mask, there’s an awful lot to process following the trauma of PP and I hope connecting with others here is one step in helping you to work through this and feel less alone. You can read about APP’s peer support here - app-network.org/peer-support/ and the insider guide ‘Recovery from postpartum psychosis’ might also be a helpful resource - app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

As KatG said, what you went through, your actions and experiences, were not your fault. I’d really recommend talking to your GP about what services you might be able to access to help with the trauma and resulting guilt you’re trying to cope with.

And do write here any time. I hope you’ll find reading other women’s experiences and the replies here helpful - you came through a nightmare and the love for your kids shines through, you’re amazing  

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Mummaoftwox]

thank you so much Jenny it’s so nice to speak to others openly and not feel shame.

Thanks again x

[mikefff]

Hi just wanted to say that you had an illness. It was not your real self that had those thoughts. Get some serious counselling ASAP and keep it going as long as possible I think it really helps.