When do emotions come back and when will i be happy again and connect with my baby and be back tomyself.

[Astarlove]

How exactly did you feel when recovering? Please share your journey. Will i feel happy again and will emotions come back and will i feel happy again. When will i regain thr connection i had with my baby. Or that mothering nature. How was it all lost had it whrn i gave. Birth had love these meds jist made me so numb. How does this condition go away what should i do

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Dear Astarlove,

These are such brilliant, poignant, questions. I can really sense the anguish behind them. I hope I can offer some hope and reassurance, by sharing a bit of my story with you. I was on a lot of antipsychotic medication, even when discharged from the MBU. You are totally right - they can make you feel very numb. I think I spent a lot of time “going through the motions”. But I can look back now with some pride that even though I was emotionally numb a lot of the time, I was still present and doing all the practical baby care tasks. Something I never took for granted given how ill I was in the early weeks.

You absolutely will find that connection with your baby again. It is still there, just harder to see I imagine under the fog of medication and mental illness. Please be reassured that your baby loves you no matter what - they know you are there and they will be comforted just by your physical presence.

Maybe try some basic things to help you feel that more connected? I signed up for a baby massage class at my local children’s centre - the lady who ran it was lovely and it made me feel a little more “normal” doing that kind of thing. My mum gave me some good advice during those early months - get out the house at least once a day! Some days that was really hard, but I stuck to it and it did help. Just walking with the buggy wherever - to the shops, or just around the block.

Best of luck. Keep posting here for help and support - we are all here for you.

Kat

[Seasky18 Volunteer]

Dear Astarlove

I could have written those questions myself just over four years ago. I remember how devastating it felt to feel no love for any of my family and no happiness or joy in anything. All I can say is it does come back, slowly bit by bit, but I haven’t forgotten how it felt. It was hard too as all the things that I’d used to cheer myself up when low no longer brought any joy either. For the first time in my life, even chocolate didn’t work!

It’s all there, just buried and it will come back, you will feel that love and connection again it just takes time and day is a step closer. Sending you love and strength, we’re all here willing you on xx

[Carmen25]

hi Astarlove

I really feel for you as I remember those days when I completely lacked any emotions and just felt numb.

A combination of the illness and heavy psych meds left me doing the necessary stuff (just about) but with no pleasure or joy.

Everyone is different of course but in my case I started to feel emotions about 5 months after my illness commenced and by 6 months I had completely fallen in love with my baby boy and felt a deep sense of happiness to be his mum.

I agree with KatG that starting to do things like taking him to the park in his pram helped me a lot. I was fortunate that where I lived there was a mother and baby day unit for people who had similar experiences and I spent a lot of time there, relaxing with others.

So it definitely does improve with time and then I found the most amazing joy in being a mum. So much that I went on to have 2 more!

My son is now 23. He knows now about my illness when he was born and although he has now moved to London for work we still have the most wonderful bond.

[The_Wes_Anderson_Fan Volunteer]

Hello Astarlove, I had PP and I spent 3 months in the MBU. My daughter is now 20. Unfortunately you will need patience to feel yourself again but you will and more.

In all my experience over the years, many mothers do not bond with their baby after childbirth. You are exhausted and it's all about feeding them and keeping them clean. This applies to women who haven't had PP too.

I felt my best connection started when she was 10 months old, that's when they are aware they are a separate entity and really respond to you.

The anti psychotic drugs turned me into a zombie but they slowed my brain down and got me completely well again. The lethargy eventually goes away.

Getting my confidence back was a slow journey, the routine of a part time job helped me. Everyone was so kind, they only knew I had been mentally ill, no details.

I have lived a very full life since I recovered. It has left me with so much empathy.

Getting 'me' back was slow, I had to practice social skills, challenge myself to do things.

Good luck, you will get there, but healing properly takes time x

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Astarlove,

yes, I can resonate with everyone responding to you, - over the years there have been lots of traumatising stories on this forum but many many happy outcomes in the long run.

Healing and recovering can be a rather slow process, depending on your experience and various factors. I was not receiving appropriate treatment in a Psychiatric hospital and only started to improve in the after-care.

I could not bond with my baby in the first few months as I was on pretty heavy old traditional drugs and my partner had to be my full time carer. However, I always was encouraged to go in small stepping stones.

I was acutely ill from August till December and then slowly woke up out of my beauty sleep...my brain shut off, too and there were only the occasional light bulb moments where my partner started to teach me the basics again.

I am not sure whether it was bonding issues in my case, I always wanted to be with my baby, but just could not take care of him nor was I able to take my own meds or wash myself, or walk properly...I lost my coordination and balance.

And here I am talking to you, volunteering. I am a happy mum! My son is 12 now...I always feel that particularly those mums, who have suffered so much are pretty amazing with their kids.

Like Kath I started off with a baby massaging course and that was plenty for me. I met three other mums. When gaining more confidence I went to playgroups once a week. I always remember taking my son walking, I walked for miles or on the bike, when he was 2/3yrs old.

I remember, my partners family looking after our son in order for me to go to a group counselling course or just to give my partner and I a bit of time together. It helps to have a bit of a support network based on family and friends and health professionals. I have had a health visitor for two years, she helped a lot with the care and welfare of our unique family...

Take good care, try to be kind to yourself...we are here for you xxx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello Astarlove

I hope the lovely replies here are helpful. So many have been where you are, it really will get better - one step at a time, that fog will eventually lift. It’s so hard feeling so numbed but it won’t be forever, even if it might feel that way right now.

The connection you felt for your baby is still there and you will feel it again - there are some great suggestions above, spending time doing little things together and just watching each other, getting outside… I don’t know how you get on with baby carriers / slings - my first baby spent a lot of time in a buggy to start with and as that’s what we had to use in the MBU it’s what he was used to, but I did carry him in a sling more later on and it gave some physical closeness which perhaps helped a little. I loved it with my second baby too.

Be very gentle with yourself and keep talking to us, we’re all here to listen.

Sending very best wishes, Jenny xx

[Ramlah_at_APP Volunteer]

Hi Astarlove,

I am sorry to hear that the medication is making you feel numb. Sometimes, it can take a while for it to kick in before you feel like your old self again. I can reassure you that you will feel happy again; Especially when your baby starts to smile at you and begins to babble towards you, those moments are so special !

Motherhood is a beautiful journey and full of surprises, take each day as it comes celebrate milestone achieved through your baby, this will hopefully build the bond and connection between the two of you.

Playgroups and baby centres are great places to go with your little one and socialise with other mums, this something that helped me greatly in understanding motherhood. Another great tool for gaining that connection with your precious baby is reading to them, babies love listening to stories especially when it hearing the mother's voice so close, kind of like when they where in the womb.

Hope that makes sense

Take care, feel free to reach out whenever xxxx