She will be 3 in April and every year I really find her birthday, and the run up to it so hard. I get an increase in flashbacks to the traumatic birth and everything else that went on. Then all the photos popping up in memories of me looking like hell, like a rabbit in headlights as I'm trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me while absolutely nobody notices I haven't slept in 2 weeks and am convinced I'm evil and having the most awful thoughts.
Everyone just says don't think about it but the PTSD just gets me stuck there and I can't not think about it. I'll throw myself into making it the best birthday I can for her.
Is it just me finds birthdays hard or do others too? It's like a reminder of what a failure I was an am as a mum.
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AstroSue
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Aww lovely, I do too, all your feelings are valid, I know you will make the best birthday for her, you are an amazing Mum to those girls, even though I know you dont believe that. I'll drop you a message xx
Thank you for talking about this. I too find my sons’ birthdays can be difficult! They often bring many unpleasant feelings/ memories to the surface. So you are not alone.
I’m sad to hear you feel like a failure. I imagine a lot of mums who’ve had PP experience similar feelings at some point. I know I did/still do. You are obviously planning hard to make sure your daughter enjoys her 3rd birthday (which I’m sure she will). And be kind to yourself too.
I hope sharing on the forum will be helpful.
Enjoy the celebrations.
Hi, sorry you are feeling this way. One thing you are not is a failure of a mother however I can totally relate to feeling that way. It’s not my sons birthday but the anniversary of when I went into psychiatric care that I struggle with and caused me to have flashbacks this year in January. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that happened. I can understand why seeing old pictures is difficult, for me it was like looking back at a different person. X
Never say you are a failure ever. You wouldn't say to another Mum who had had postnatal depression or even psychosis you are a failure so why would you say it to yourself? Us Mummies who battle through psychosis to get better fpr our little ones are heroes. Being a Mum is hard without having to overcome a psychiatric emergency. But I know what you mean. I found I would compare myself to my sisters and my niece who had had babies and I'd think and still do sometimes, how come they could do it? How come they didn't go crazy and not sleep for a week? What did I do and why am I the weird one? But I know in my jeart of hearts I do everything I can to be a good Mum and that what happened was just really shitty luck. When it comes to birthdays I do understand, like you say pictures pop up. There was one if my niece holding my baby while I was in a psychiatric unit without her. I don't know why she shared it on my little girl's birthday, it was a bit thoughtless. But ai was really upset thinking I should have been there having visitors and holding my little girl. But I wasn't and that's sad. But I also felt like on my girl's 1st birthday well done to me for getting through the year. And my little one was coming on in leaps and bounds and it felt like things were getting a bit easier. Like she was almost walking so she was better able to entertain herself, she could go and get toys. I think and hope that time is a great healer. It won't be long and you'll be sat in a soft play centre hosting a party for a load of 5 year olds. That will be savage haha, a new kind of trauma 😜 but just remember you are doing a fab job and try and enjoy the birthday as much as possible, I think it will get easier xxx
Ahhh bless you. You are far from a failure!What happened was out of your control and completely natural for us few mums. I have the same with my children, I feel really guilty around their birthdays and I'm super emotional that I could have been better for them and as they age I realise how much I wish I'd have cherished that time with them. It does get easier. My eldest is 6 now and it seems to get better every year. They become their own little person and as they grow you realise you haven't damaged them and eventually you will accept what happened and feel peace. I'm sure of it. It does get easier ❤️ sending love and best wishes xxx
First off you’re not a failure. You were very sick. That doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you a warrior for overcoming such a thing to happen.
I had PP in December 2016. Birthdays are a tricky one. The slightest thing could previously make me feel unsettled, the season change, the light in winter, a piece of music played on the radio that would remind me. For a couple of years we actually went away on a mini break on the anniversary as I wanted to make new happy memories away from our home where I got poorly. In some ways that was “running away”. But it was me recognising how hard it was, and helping myself really to rebuild.
I’ve found that with each year the strength of those feelings has lessoned, but I’m still pretty cautious of it around birthdays for sure. I think I might always be careful. It’s a birthday of joy, but also super hard times so be kind to yourself always.
Have you thought about making a memory book of happy things from your daughter to look back on. Memories, snippets of time when funny things have happened? Joyful times, rather than baby photos which will naturally be tough. Just a thought.
Thank you for sharing and sorry to hear your daughter's birthday brings back sad memories. Christmas time does it for me each year as it was around Chrismtas time following the birth of my daughter a few months earlier that my illness became extremely severe. I get terrible flashbacks and take moments for myself to reflect on the sadness and I share this with some close friends and then, my coping mechanism is to put this away in a box for a while and focus on what is in front of my, which is my now 4yo, getting very, very excited for Christmas...that then gets me back in the moment of enjoyment. And yes, I feel total and utter failings for the mother that I was for her over that period December 2016.
Your thoughts and memories are so valid and so, be sure to process them as you need to and take the time that you need to do this - only you know what coping mechanism works best for you. I hope that when this passes you still get to have a good amount of enjoyment time with her aswell on these occasions.
My youngest is now 4 (today) and my eldest almost 7. Birthdays are definitely difficult but As I recover they are becoming something I can now enjoy x take each day at a time things do get easier x
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