Our Postpartum Psychosis s01 ep06

[GeorgeKol]

Hi everyone.

It’s been a while since the last time i wrote here.

Many things are getting better with my wife and myself.

But i have one big issue that worries me a lot.

My wife is close to one year from the episode. She is fairly ok now but she has big problem dealing with our son. She can’t manage him sometimes at all. I’m saying just for the simple things. Get him to sleep at night or change his diapers. Our son get frustrated and she can’t calm him down. I gave her time to cope but sometimes if i don’t jump in the kid gets really frustrated and can’t stop crying with everything that comes with this. She don’t talk to him. She doesn’t want to go for a walk with him. But mostly she can’t calm him. Her doctor says this is the time to push a bit with her mother son relation also. But no change whatsoever.

Whats your experience with this? Same problems? How did you handle it?

Any advise will help a lot as i am out of ideas here :/

Thanks a lot in advance!

George

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello GeorgeKol

Good to hear from you and that things are getting better.

In my experience almost a year on from my first PP I was still struggling, although it was different as I had been in hospital for six months without my son. Similarly, with my second son and PP recovery I had professionals visiting me at home, which sadly isn’t possible in these Covid times.

I think your wife has done so well returning to work in this first year.

Do you think your wife would benefit from talking therapy as although we appear to be ‘functioning’ there is a lot under the surface? It might be a confidence issue that your wife has with your son and I think she will need reassurance that she is doing her best with him at the moment.

I don’t think it’s helpful for her doctor to say this is the time to push a bit with her mother / son relationship. She has been through so much already and needs to be reminded of all the progress she has made and not dwell on negative comments that she might take to heart. In the PP Insider Guide for Partners at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... there is a comment that “It can take time to deal with the difficult emotions that have been part of your partner’s illness and recovery. It’s important not to rush her and be sensitive to her feelings .......”

Perhaps you could relax your son just before he sleeps, then pass him to your wife so that he is calm and she can then cradle him in her arms and feel rested herself? Also, you might like to treat taking your son for a walk as family time, chatting together, so that your wife can build her confidence and in time will go out herself with your son?

Also please remember to take care of yourself as you have done so much.

Against all odds I have a strong, loving bond with my sons ... so try not to worry.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hello GeorgeKol,

I am so glad to hear that you and your wife are doing better.

Many things from Lilybeth's reply resonate with my thinking. I am a bit hesitant of the talk "now is the time to push it a bit" in reference to the relationship between your wife and your son. To me, it imparts a sense of urgency that just adds to your worries and has the potential to make things feel forced or a chore.

In my first year after pp I would think about my episodes or my stay in hospital everyday. That on its own is a lot to cope with, as the memories can be so painful and frightening, while at the same time you are getting on with life. Add to it coming to terms with your new role as a mum, and the pressure of feeling that you need to "catch up". It is just too much.

Lilybeth already wrote some very good suggestions on things to try, maybe get your son right and ready to go to sleep, then when he starts to drift off pass him on to mummy's arms so he drops there? As mums I think there is this perception of the mother's instinct taking over and knowing exactly what to do. I have yet to meet the first time mum that knew exactly what she was doing, pp or no pp. This illness is such a knock to your confidence that it can paralyze you. So I can understand why your wife feels incapable of reacting at certain times.

Give it time, I know it is still hard atm, but things are going to get better, and take care of yourself also very important

[Hidden]

Hello.

I do agree with Lilybeth, it seems like your wife is ‘functioning’ but may feel she is only just coping and it only takes a little bit for her to feel overwhelmed and hand the baby to you. She maybe feels like an inadequate mother (I did and that feeling is the worst ever - makes you freeze and panic, which won’t help calm the baby.)

Could you discuss with your wife something you could do together with the baby? Could you sit on the floor together while you sing him a nursery rhyme and she could clap along, or do the actions or even join in? Music is supposed to be good. Personally I found those toddler groups and the singing horribly depressing but I went anyway because you are ‘supposed to’.

Maybe she could take some photos of the baby?

Or maybe these ideas are rubbish and she needs support from a mental health worker. I remember one visited us for quite a while after but I know that’s not possible now, nor the toddler groups, nor family visiting. It is really tough at the moment for all new mums I think. Does she have someone to talk to about how she feels as a mom?

Wishing you all the best.