It has been over two years (October 2017) since I last experienced severe postpartum psychosis, and in (December 2013). It also had almost been a year since I begun consistent treatment for my conditions (Bipolar Disorder, GAD, OCD, Social Phobia, PTSD, Panic Disorder, Phobias, and an eating disorder). Coping with the after effects has been super challenging, and all the anger/resentment that has built up. It's amazing how many little things can trigger flashbacks and strong overflowing emotions. I am trying to use coping strategies and wish that I could afford to go back to therapy to leave the past in the past but things just tend to become heavy. In October 2018 we got Mickey (Goldendoodle), during my search for medications and stabilization he did what I never thought a dog could do for someone with my conditions he grounded me (April or May 2019), alerted to severe akathisia and provided pressure therapy. It was that moment when my husband called my psychiatrist, while Mickey was blocking self injurious behavior due to the akathisia from Latuda that we knew my life was going to be forever changed. From there we research more on my disorders and Mickey became a service dog in training. With the help of a service dog company and my perfectionism desire Mickey quickly learned and became a successful task trained service dog mitigating my disabilities.
We have come a long way from the time signs of bipolar and these other disorders started in 2004 and now. Where I have finally been proud to identify myself and more self aware. It was with Mickey, my children being born, my second husband, my family, and love that I continue treatment. However, coping comes with constant struggles, and occasionally nightmares where I wake thinking its happening all over and Mickey checks for people and voices that are not my own, and alerts that it was just a flashback or a nightmare as sometimes I just sit and drift into the nightmare of my memories.
The psychosis was not debilitating I remember all of it asides from the second time at the ER getting to the psychiatric facility as It was as another facility. But the treatment team and their poor behavior towards me, and the delusions. When will I be able to move forward and not hyper focus on the anger that I can't give birth safely, and that my life somewhat feels controlled by these disorders. I try and try to not let them define me as a human because they don't, but having these disorders sometimes I still am wondering who I am, as these disorders consumed me for so many years of young adult hood, and becoming a mother, wife, and more. I still feel lost and well angry.