What do I do?

[Ezzybear]

I’m post natally depressed, the only thing stopping me is that I’m scared of going to hell. I keep thinking that everyone around me are actors and that I’m in hell or that the past year has all been a dream and I’m going to wake up any second. I know this isn’t real or true but a tiny part of me wonders if it is. I’m scared

[Ezzybear]

The only thing stopping me from killing myself I mean

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Ezzybear]

Hello Ezzybear, I missed this edit. Do you have a crisis team you can call or ring the on-call Dr to visit you? The Samaritans are also very helpful and there to listen 24/7 on 116 123. Although a little late now, your local A & E has a unit specifically for mental health issues. Take good care and stay safe. You will get better but it does take time.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

So glad that you have reached out for help. We are all here to talk and support you. Belated congratulations on the birth of your baby It is very sad that such a joyful event should be tarnished with either depression or, as for many of us here, Postpartum Psychosis (PP).

I had PP many years ago followed by what seemed like an endless depression. The thoughts are very worrying aren't they and very real at the time? Do you think your medication needs reviewing? I think mine was changed a few times before I was given the right balance that worked for me. Have you been referred for talking therapy, just to get all your thoughts and feelings out in the open? I can understand that you are scared but I think if you have a good chat to your GP he / she should be able to signpost you to professional care as you should have an ongoing care plan.

Some mums here have also mentioned the Pandas Foundation (Pre and post-natal depression advice and support) so I wonder if you would find their support helpful too? The link is pandasfoundation.org.uk

There will be other mums here to share their experiences. Take care and please keep writing here if it helps.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi ezzybear, I’m sorry to hear things are tough. Feeling like this is scary I know but please reach out for help - you can get through this. Do you have a mental health team involved? If not can you contact your out of hours GP by phone?? The Samaritans are also there to talk - you can call them on 116 123.

Please know that you can get through this with the right support. I had postpartum psychosis in 2009 and with treatment and support I have made a full recovery. Please stay safe and take care, all the best. Xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

How are you feeling this morning? I hope you can find some support via the GP out of hours and Samaritans services mentioned here.

During my depression following my second PP I was also in crisis a number of times. Sometimes I was treated with medication but at other times was admitted as an outpatient for treatment. It's very hard to fight your feelings but with good medical care and support you can fully recover. Thinking of you .... take care. xx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello Ezzybear

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I had PP in 2012 but fortunately didn’t go on to suffer the depression so many do.

When I was unwell I was convinced all the staff in the unit were actors, it was all very frightening and confusing. It will get better - with time, support and treatment, you will get through this. Have you got good support?

I don’t know if you go on Twitter but there’s a great community there too, search for #PND #PNDHour and I also discovered #JoinIn last night.

I hope you’re ok, postnatal mental illness is cruel and unfair but happier times lie ahead xx

[Ezzybear]

I am under the care of the perinatal mental health team but they don’t know about me thinking people are actors etc. At first it was just a quick thought and now I’m starting to believe more and more now that it’s true I feel like I’m going crazy. If I wasn’t so scared of going to hell then I’d kill my self

[Ezzybear]

I don’t know if this is post partum psychosis or if it’s real or what’s going on

[Ezzybear]

I’m still able to function I’m hiding how I’m feeling very well. I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone they’ll think I’m crazy or lying or something

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

Thanks for coming back to talk. I'm sorry you're still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I really hope you can confide in your PMH team as they want to help you. The more open you can be about how you feel, the more they will know what to do and how to help. Do you have a crisis number you can ring?

I think you need to ask about your diagnosis as I had similar feelings of being helpless and hopeless, imagining all sorts and seeing things that no one else could see.

Please don't feel embarrassed .... you have an illness and need help to feel better. You're doing very well to function if you feel this way. I tried to tell family about what I believed to be true ..... I thought they had a problem and not me .... so I retreated to my bed and it was my sanctuary for a while until things became unbearable and I was sectioned for my own safety.

Please either ring the Samaritans or your GP out of hours service so that someone can help you asap. Stay safe ..... take care and please write again if it helps.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Ezzybear

Please tell your team how you’re feeling and about the thoughts you’re having - they won’t think you’re crazy or lying, they can’t help if they don’t know what you’re going through. I know it’s scary but try not to feel embarrassed, they are trained to help women going through this kind of thing. Is there someone else you could confide in perhaps, who could then be there with you, a friend, partner or family member?

Don’t suffer on your own.

Jenny x

[Ezzybear]

I feel distraught right now and I’m trying not to cut myself. I don’t feel safe. I’m so embarrassed

[Ezzybear]

Nothing feels real

[Ezzybear]

Please is anyone there

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Yes I'm here ..... are you ok? Is there anyone there to help you stay safe?

[Ezzybear]

My parents are in the house. I feel so terrible this will never end

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Ezzybear

Sorry you’re feeling this way. Is there someone you can call? Have you got a number for a crisis team? Or your GP out of hours service? Or you can always call the Samaritans to talk to someone - 116 123.

It’ll be ok, you can get through this x

[Ezzybear]

I’m to embarrassed to call anyone and to tell my parents who I live with at the moment. What will any of those people even do? My mums close friend works for crisis I don’t want her to know

[NanaJudith_APP_Vol Volunteer]

Dear Ezzybear,

You are not alone you have had some very lovely replies from other mothers who know how you feel, reread them if it helps, some of them will be thinking of you even if they cannot write just now, I promise.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so unwell and frightened. You will get better but you do need help, do seek help, try to be honest with your health team, they are there to help. Do put anything which could harm you out of out of reach out of sight. If you are unable to speak to your doctors or family for some reason do ring the Samaritans 116 123 they are there to help.

Thinking of you, sending a hug.

Judith

[Ezzybear]

What will Samaritans do

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

They won't do anything but you can talk to them in confidence about how you feel and they will offer advice. It might be a good idea for you to ring them?

[Ezzybear]

I don’t want to. I don’t like speaking over the phone

[Ezzybear]

I’m sorry, I can tell I’m being annoying. I always do it. I just need to pull myself together I’m sorry

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Please don’t feel embarrassed, you’re not very well and need a bit of help, we’ve all been there.

If you don’t want to talk you can email Samaritans - [e-mail]

[Jessi_D]

When I had postpartum psychosis I thought people were actors. It sounds like you are very ill and need to go to hospital straight away. Can you ask your parents to take you to A&E? You can tell the doctor there about what you are experiencing and how you feel, they can give you medication to help you.

[Ezzybear]

No I can’t tell my parents. I’m way too embarrassed , they won’t understand

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

I really think your parents will want to help you, please don’t feel embarrassed. They may not understand but they’ll want to keep you safe x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

You're not being annoying .... we all know how hard it is to admit that you're not quite well. You need help to feel better so please don't suffer in silence.

[Ezzybear]

I feel overwhelming embarrassment

[Ezzybear]

I genuinely know I’ll never reach out for proper help or tell the truth about how I feel because I can’t get over the feelings of embarrassment

[Ezzybear]

I’m going to go now because I’m just being difficult and annoying. Thank you for your kind words I appreciate it xx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

You’re not being difficult or annoying. Please try and talk to someone and keep yourself safe. You’ve nothing to feel embarrassed about, you’re not well and I’m sure all emotions are on overdrive.

Thinking of you, you can get through this but need some support x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Dear Ezzybear

You deserve to feel better so please reach out for proper help. It must be very difficult but your care team will be only too happy to help you as long as they know how you feel.

You are not being difficult or annoying ...... you need to take good care of yourself. I think the first step is to find support as soon as possible. After talking openly to someone you trust I think you will feel better for it. Please keep writing if it helps and reach out for the professional support you need. We are all thinking of you ......

[Teresa_K_S Volunteer]

Hi Ezzybear,

If you don't like talking over the phone you could go directly to your A+E department if you're feeling unsafe. One of your parents could go with you. At the A +E they will have psychiatric doctors on duty who can help you. They will have heard so many women before with very similar symptoms and you would have no need to feel embarrased. They would help assess your mental health, how you are sleeping, how you are eating, thoughts of self harm etc and they can then decide from there if you need someone from the community mental health team to call out each day to your home to offer support if thats possible.

Please dont feel scared to go ask for help. The sooner you get help the quicker the recovery rate. I know how hard it is and how much energy it takes to keep pretending to people that everything is okay. It is such a relief to speak to medical proffesionals when you dont have to pretend anymore as they have heard it all before and they are there to help you

You must seek help for yourself as soon as you are able dont suffer this in silence as you dont want it to get worse. With the right help you are able to make a complete recovery

Do take care for now

Teresa x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

It must be so hard for you if you have felt like this for the past year without being able to let someone in to help you. When I had PP years ago my family didn't talk about it due to the stigma around mental health then, so for a long time I thought I was depressed. I was ashamed and felt guilty which meant I didn't make friends easily and carried my 'secret' for years. Until I had the good fortune to find APP and Prof Jones who confirmed that I had suffered PP twice.

Imagine my relief, as if a weight had been lifted after all those years and I felt better about myself. Please don't carry this burden on your own ..... talk to your parents who really will want to help you. This is the link for the PP Guides, one of which is "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... which might give you a talking point to open up to your family and ask your PMH team for help. Or book a double appointment with your GP who has a duty of care to listen in confidence and get help for you. Take care and stay safe .... sending a virtual hug

[Hidden]

Hi Ezzybear -just think of your circumstances - is there anything in your past that has upset you in relationships? Are you breastfeeding, or using a bottle? It's scary when your body starts to change with all the hormones. Do your breasts feel swollen, and have you lochia still? Have you bonded with your baby - how do you feel when you pick him up. Did you have an easy birth? Is your partner able to help you. The most important factor besides other health issues is sleep. If you don't feel like eating and are feeling generally lousy

this won't help these negative thoughts. Do you feel as if other people are taking over?

If you have a good relationship with a member of your family you could confide in them.

If you are frightened you might harm yourself then perhaps you will consider contacting your health team. Your baby needs you so take good care of yourself.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Ezzybear, how are you doing since you last wrote? Please know that you are going through an illness and that with the right support and treatment you can get better and be there for your baby and your family & friends. None of this is your fault and whilst it's easy for me to say now, please don't feel embarrassed or guilty about these feelings - they won't last forever, you can get better. Also to stress what others have written, you are not being difficult or annoying, you have done a really brave thing in reaching out and being honest about how you are feeling. Please stay safe and keep chatting to us here if it helps - The Samaritans are always there with a listening ear too.

I too can relate to the feelings of embarrassment you describe but I promise that anyone who thinks the worse of you for this or makes you feel embarrassed or foolish is not a positive person to have around you, what you need right is kind and empathic care and support. I hope you have been able to find a trusted ear of a healthcare professional too, they are wanting to help you. Thinking of you, xx

[NanaJudith_APP_Vol Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear,

I hope that you are feeling better about seeking help from family and Health professionals, though we can all relate to your embarrassment, they will only want to help. Surround yourself, as others have said, with kind people you trust and who understand that you have an illness. You are not being annoying, with the right support you will get better.

Stay safe, thinking of you.

Judithx

[Hidden]

How are you Ezzybear,

I was very much on my own once my partner integrated back to work. I did not talk and only was in contact with my care coordinator.

However, despite slow recovery I always went to a play group and baby massage once a week. I did not trust or speak much. I found shopping extremely difficult.

My care coordinator helped me to get therapy. Once I improved I was transferred from my Psychiatrist to my GP, who continued to follow meds assessment and evaluation together with the mental health community team.

I must have been terribly poorly and extremely out of character. The traumatising illness caused me to behave the way how I behaved. When I read through my medical file (2017/18) I felt compassion for this woman, who had been suffering so much. However, being able to step back indicates that I have come a long way along my recovery path.

Wishing you well and sending you my love...you will get better, I got better, too. I found APP 5 years after PPP...and received compassion (by mums for mums) for the first time. It helps so much to be understood by ladies, who have walked the same path.

Take care,

x

[Hidden]

Why are you so embarrassed? This pressure is too much to deal with on your own.

2 women in every 1000 may have these problems. With diabetes or other conditions the

depression might be an additional factor to this problem. The chances are that there is some other problem which is adding to the depression. It's hard to realise you are not leading your ordinary life and the demands of a baby are so high. You need special counselling if there are other problems, and post partum care from your mental health team if needs be with visitors to your home. Are you suffering from some post traumatic stress disorder as you feel disoriented. Hope you feel better soon,

[Ezzybear]

Thank you everyone. I don’t know why I feel so embarrassed. I have just found out that I was pregnant again and miscarried so really struggling. Not sure how much more I can take. If this is what life is like then I don’t want to do it

[Hidden in reply to Ezzybear]

Hi Ezzy that's a relief you know what is causing you such hurt. My daughter miscarried - it was a difficult time for her - luckily we were there to support her, as her husband was not

there. She now has two lovely sons

who are busy, and doing well at school. It's not everybody's choice to go for another child

soon after a miscarriage especially when you have had a previous experience. Think it's time you look after yourself - pamper yourself - and enjoy yourself with your family.

If you have any sort of postnatal depression it can go on for more than two years in some

cases. We are not mechanical clockwork beings so everybody is different. You have done so well keeping up appearances, but if you have a good cry with your mum if you need to I'm sure she'll support you. Don't forget to visit your doctor as you still need professional support.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Ezzybear

It must be heartbreaking that you have miscarried ... I'm so sorry. Please don't despair. I think this might be why you need to open up to a trusted friend about how you have been feeling. I know you said your parents won't understand but perhaps they will listen and know how to help you.

I think we can all relate to feeling embarrassed about having a mental health issue but there really is no shame in it. You are really unwell and need a lot of support, even a hug for now. Please put yourself first and you really will see a difference in how you feel about yourself. Stay safe and take care. We are all here to talk.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Ezzybear, sorry to hear you have experienced a miscarriage. Have you been able to talk to someone you trust about how you feel? Take care, I will be thinking of you. Xx

[Jas15 Volunteer]

Hi Ezzybear

I’m so sorry to hear that you miscarried....this will cause hormonal imbalance and will take a little while for things to settle and your emotions will also feel up and down....I totally understand the heartbreak of miscarriage and it does help to reach out and take support from those of us who have is miscarried too....the miscarriage association has some useful resources ...try and be gentle with yourself and treatyourself kindly as you have been through a tough time.... things will get easier for you in time I’m sure, sending love ... Jas xx

[Teresa_K_S Volunteer]

Hi Ezzybear,

Sorry to hear of your miscarriage. You must be all mixed up, confused and emotionally drained not to mention hormones all over the place. Please know that all these thoughts and feelings arent here to stay. This isnt how your life will always be I promise. You are so in need of someone to talk to in confidence though. If you dont have anyone to confide in then an appointment with your gp would be a good place to start. There you needn't feel judged and could ask for a lady doctor if you preferred. Your doctor could then decide where best to get you the support you need.

At one point, I went to my GP's everyday for over a week on emergency appointments every day until it was realised what care I needed. Never at any point did the GPs or receptionists make me feel I was wasting time.

Take that bold step to speak to someone and Im sure it will lead to you feeling better, stay strong and look after yourself

X x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

Thinking of you and hope you are ok. Please take care and try to find professional support for yourself. We are all here to lean on.

[Ezzybear]

Thank you for your messages everyone. I bit the bullet today and have a GP appointment today at 6:40pm. I hope I can try and be as honest a possible and not be embarrassed. My mum is saying she’s going to come in with me but I don’t want her to, I won’t be honest if she’s there.

I have planned how I’m going to end my life, I’ve written a note. I keep biting chunks out of the inside of my mouth because when it hurts it’s a distraction from how I feel. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not real anymore, I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know if people are actors or not half of the time. I regret having my baby, I love him but I don’t want him.

I can’t do this much longer

[Ezzybear]

I don’t feel in control of safe. I think I need/want to be hospitalised. I’m scared. Do you think they may hospitalise me?

[Jas15 Volunteer in reply to Ezzybear]

Hi Ezzybear

It sounds like you are having a really difficult time, it’s good that you have some insight that you aren’t feeling well at the moment and you are reaching out for help .... it can feel very frightening, but please know that help is out there, we are all here, but most importantly, your GP is the main person, for today, that you need to trust and be honest with, and then it will be that the right meds and support are given to you, to get you through this, you are doing so well..... hold on and try and trust those around you who know you well and who can be there for you .... I’ve also had the feeling before that everyone was acting or actors and that the world around you has changed and feels unreal, but that is all part of the illness and will get better, thinking of you and sending love - Jas xx

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Ezzybear, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. It’s good you have a GP appointment, could you perhaps go along with your Mum and ask her to wait outside so you can talk to the doctor and let them know your fears? The Samaritans are also available to talk on 116 123 and if you are feeling unsafe is there perhaps a way of ringing to get an earlier appointment?

If you do need to go to hospital please know that they are best placed to help you and keep you safe. You can get through this, I’m thinking of you lots, please stay safe. Xx

[Hidden]

Hello Ezzybear,

I hope you will be able to get support and help by health professionals very quickly. The advise by Hanna is very useful. Good luck with the GP appointment.

We are thinking of you,

stay safe.

x

[Ezzybear]

I cancelled my appointment there’s no point

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator in reply to Ezzybear]

Hi Ezzybear, do you have a phone number for your Perinatal team that you can contact? Or perhaps a crisis team in your area? I'm sorry to hear you haven't felt able to go to the GP appointment, please try and talk to someone about how you are feeling. The Samaritans are also there for a listening ear or you can email them on [e-mail] if you don't feel you can use the phone. Please try and trust someone close to you - as Jas15 says, this is part of the illness. None of this is your fault, you are good enough, you can come through this. Thinking of you. Xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

Sorry to hear you're struggling ..... its very difficult to ask for help when you feel so helpless and hopeless isn't it? Is it possible that you could visit your local A & E as there are very caring, understanding teams there to help you? You are so important to your family and your mum will be heartbroken that you are suffering in silence.

Please stay safe and reach out for help. Can you ring your out of hours GP to visit you at home and explain how distressed you are? This might be a safe option as you will be reviewed and might be admitted to hospital if its a safer place for you? During my PP and recovery I was admitted to hospital in times of crisis but I did eventually fully recover. It really is possible, so please take care and keep talking here if it helps. Its okay not to be okay ..... there's no need to feel embarrassed and there are people waiting to help you if only you can call them.

I have been in your shoes, thinking the unthinkable when I was not in my right mind. Please don't give in to your feelings and get help asap.

[NanaJudith_APP_Vol Volunteer]

Dear Ezzybear,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so worried and unsure about seeking help. You are unwell so of course you feel confused, everyone will understand. Do trust the replies you have received from the Mums, as they have said this is all part of the illness, they have all had similar doubts and fears but with help they have got better.

Please try and trust in your Mum, go to the Doctors or the hospital, they will all only want to help. Try and think what a relief it will be to be taken care of, to be reassured by professional people that you can and will, with their help, get well. We know it's difficult but hand over this huge responsibility, we all need help sometimes. Stay safe.

This too shall pass.

Thinking of you.

Judithx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

I hope you were able to sleep and felt safe. Thinking of you ..... please put yourself first and get help from your GP or confide in someone you trust. Please take good care of yourself.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

I hope you have been ok today and feel safe. Take care ... we are all thinking of you.

[Hidden]

Yes, me too. Thinking of you Ezzybear. Hope you will find appropriate support from health professionals.

Take good care...we are here to listen...

x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Ezzybear

I hope you feel safe tonight and have support around you. Take good care of yourself.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Ezzybear

I hope you are safe and receiving the support you need. Take good care of yourself.