Action on Postpartum Psychosis
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Stopping meds

MESSAGE FROM APP FORUM MODERATORS: this thread contains some distressing content including the topic of abuse. If you are feeling vulnerable do take care when reading this thread.

I am extremely pissed off. Basically, I saw my psychiatrist this morning and he has decided, due to an overdose risk, to take me off my lithium. I have been off it once before and this was 5 weeks ago and I ended up taking multiple overdoses and my depression worsened so much. My moods were extreme, and I felt unbalanced, so it was restarted.

Now, due to the fact I have 2 court hearings next week, he has decided that if they don’t go my way I am likely to overdose and therefore he doesn’t want me to have access to it. So I’ve got to go off it cold turkey, starting from tonight.

I have bipolar and am currently in a depressive state, and have been for approx 6 weeks, although since restarting lithium I have been getting MUCH better. Now I’ve got to go without it again.

Has anyone else stopped lithium? Or even just has advice of how to cope with the extreme mood changes? I am so worried, I don’t want to come off it at all. I feel like the psychiatrist is preempting something that isn’t going to happen.

Xx

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Hi kats

I’m sorry to hear that you’re not happy with the psychiatrist taking you off lithium. It sounds like he is trying to keep you safe, and is concerned it may not be good for you?

I didn’t take lithium myself so can’t offer any personal experience but perhaps just keep trying to do the things you’re doing, looking after yourself, and perhaps planning small activities each day that will build up your mood?

Take care

Ellie

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He agrees that it was beneficial but is saying I’m likely to overdose, even though I assured him that I wouldn’t, and only get weekly prescriptions anyway. 7000mg of lithium wouldn’t cause a problem, it might make me throw up, but certainly wouldn’t kill me. And that’s the maximum I would have at any given time. I just don’t understand. Why would a treatment that has been shown to be extremely beneficial then be denied?

I have complained to PALS, and I’ve requested a second opinion in my complaint. I really hope I get it, because it honestly does help. It makes me feel more normal. I took it yesterday and today I went and had my hair cut, went food shopping, bought lunch and ate it, cleaned out my bedroom, washed and changed 2 sets of bedding. That’s an awful lot for me to do in one day, but since restarting lithium I have slowly felt that energy returning and my life becoming better again.

Now all that has gone, and I know I’m going to end up in a deep depression again. I’m also concerned coming off it could trigger a hypomanic episode.

I’ve got no plans this weekend so I will probably end up staying in bed all weekend and doing nothing. I’ll hopefully get a good nights sleep tonight as I haven’t been sleeping well at all.

I feel like my psychiatrist doesn’t want me to get better. I feel so let down x

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Lithium goes in the blood and levels have to be checked regularly. It is easy to overdose and can be dangerous. Don't worry you will find another meds. Or perhaps be ok without anything. Just focus on you and then you will have time to sort out any other issues . Things change a lot in a short space of time. I promise. I remember years ago when I was having section after section. Maybe a change of environment / company might help

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Hi Kats88, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling let down and are worried about coming off the lithium.

I know when I took it any changes were closely monitored by health professionals so I hope that you can get support with this, or can ask for some input.

Hopefully you got the good night’s sleep you were hoping for too. We are all thinking of you, take care. Xx

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Could you talk to your psychiatrist about having daily prescriptions? It's a bit off a pain but I have a friend who is a high overdose risk that is on daily prescriptions x x

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Suggest you look at Uk Thyroid health unlocked for a list of hypothyroid check box list to see if any of your symptoms match. Sleep problems might be helped by cutting down the amount of light in your bedroom, which affects the melatonin hormone which is produced in the hypothalamus. Foods which encourage melatonin are tomatoes, bananas, and pineapple.

Think you should contact any outside social agencies which may help you delay the court session. . Have you been assigned any social worker to help you? Don't think your needs are being met at this time. You may access a free online solicitor recommended by CAB in your area

who can tell you your rights. Online CAB might be able to give you this info online. Decisions made in your absence from non attendance without notice, might be unfavourable.

Can you find a contact number for social services from your council with an urgent enquiry

- yellow pages or telephone directory might help.

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Think you should contact out of hours service from your GP over weekend which might prove helpful to explain that you are having withdrawal symptoms from removal of medication.

Normally people are weaned off drugs over a period of weeks. Think you should get advice for

another alternative drug to tide you over and even if you feel your health professional has let you down badly - find another one.

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Well I’ve woken up very headachy again which apparently can be a sign of withdrawing of lithium but otherwise I feel ok. I feel very depressed and haven’t been able to get out of bed. I doubt i’ll get out of bed at all today. I need a shower so might manage that, I’m not sure.

Unfortunately the out of hours doctor can’t prescribe lithium, only a psychiatrist can. I’ve got a barrister for court, but I don’t know if he’s going to fight for me. I definitely do want to go to court, I want to speak myself to try and get access to my babies.

My social worker absolutely hates me, and has it in for me. She’s told lies after lies and is working against me, it’s me against her at the court on Tuesday. Xx

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Yep - can see it all in broad daylight. The toxins in the drug need to be washed out. Drinking water in sips rather than a whole glass may help throughout the day.

Sweating is one way of ridding yourself of metals like lithium saunas or a hot bath may help you sweat out the toxins. Think you must contact the head of social workers department to say that you feel your social worker is hostile and you cannot work with her to improve your health you are not going to see her again! As you are extremely ill at the moment ask the head about cancellation of the court hearing until later as you can't function at the moment having to sleep all day.

Is it more than a co incidence that the court hearing is near the bank holiday when you cannot contact anyone and your case manager will be on holiday!

If you have a number for the court then you may have to phone them to cancel due to il health due to SIDE EFFECTS of drugs. Will try to find out procedure on how to cancel court through sickness. If you can manage to see another doctor in the practise who can revise your mediation to an alternative as you have problems with withdrawal symptoms which are associated with depression - there are many other drugs which can lift your mood egs i serotonin uptake inhibitors SSSIs or TSSIs amitriptyline

As you have severe anxiety with the depression

you may need a combination drug - The amitriptyline is useful for muscle relaxant and is used for fibromyalgia which can occur with post partum hormone changes. My daughter felt heaps better with neuro fibromyalgia and post natal hormonal blues. Really think a change will help in a few days. As you say if you can get up slowly have a shower, you might be able to relax and have something to eat and drink to get you moving. Think you are marvellous after all you have been through to be able to cope with this situation - and I just hope you will get a prescription and sign off from onerous commitments such as court hearings which

you are not well enough to attend. Will get back to you if I find any info on how to cancel court hearings. OK G

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Hi Kats88, I’m sorry to hear you have experienced headaches and feeling depressed today. Did you manage to get out of bed for a shower as you hoped you might? It’s so hard but sometimes the little things can help lift your mood. I remember feeling like getting up and doing anything was such a chore but it did help when I could manage it.

Tomorrow is a new day and I hope you can feel a little better and also that you can rest & feel as prepared as you can before the court date on Tuesday. Don’t forget you can go to out of hours if you feel you need support with your medication over the bank holiday too. Take care, we are thinking of you, xx

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Yeah I did manage to have a shower but otherwise I spent the whole day in bed. And I’m probably going to do the same today.

I can feel how depressed I’m getting and I really think that’s because I’m without my lithium. Xx

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Do you think you could phone the doctor tomorrow morning for help with a change of drugs and a sick note - think you've got to let go of lithium there are hundreds of srugs which might be better for you. Take care.

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Ask dr bout other medication which is suitable for you. Or ask another doctor if he not helpful

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Hi Kats

Sorry you're feeling so down, that is horrible. I know it is hard to fight it, but perhaps you can try and make some small plans for today, even a walk or to visit family or a friend, or even some household tasks? You have been doing so well taking the small steps, do keep fighting!

As you can see from posts on here, there really is always hope and you can come through this, and be with your children again and rebuild your life.

Can you speak with your mental health professionals again, about stopping lithium, and your medication generally?

Take care

Ellie

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Advice is to drop into court and cancel asap. Most courts need a sick note as evidence you cannot attend. Am enquiring whether it's ok to phone the court directly as you are not walking about well at the mo.! Will get back to see if it's ok to phone. If you want any help in looking up numbers let me know.

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Advice is to phone first thing tomorrow - they will sort it out and advise you when to bring the sick note if necessary, As long as they know to cancel they can get another date lined up ok?

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I’ve got to go to court tomorrow, it’s my final chance to see my babies before the trial in June. I have to get regular contact with them if I’m going to stand any chance of getting them back.

I’ve managed to get out to Tesco today, just bought ice cream as it’s so hot. I’ve had a shower and I’m about to curl my hair so I look presentable in court. I have an abscess on my face which is really swollen, as a result of my diabetes, so I’m going to look dreadful. I’ve bought a new dress for court which arrived the other day so hopefully I will look smart and like a mother fighting for her children.

I’m so nervous, I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel physically sick. It’s all or nothing for me, I either get access to my children or I don’t, and if I don’t I will not cope.

I’m feeling so lonely today, I’ve spent 2 days more or less in bed 😕 xx

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|Kat - did you know diabetes is strongly linked with depression? I have been type 2 diabetic for over twenty years but was told I had to go on insulin or other drugs which don't agree with me at all. it has taken about 6 years to get my blood sugar down to normal.

Am so pleased you are ready to go - that's tremendous news. You are very brave !

It's normal to have butterflies in your tum with all this going on. I bet you have been feeling lonely being in bed - but hurrah you are on the mend.

As to the depression with diabetes - you should go back to the doctor as this is a hormonal depression. If your meds are not right and your blood sugar is too high then you can feel whacked out. This is disappointing that your diabetes has not been properly managed, as I think you may have gone off the rails with binge eating that sends your blood sugar high and low. You get mood swings ! You are a fit mother - I can see you are with it and when your medication for diabetes is checked and your diet is corrected you may feel a whole lot better and able to cope. Best of luck with tomorrow - sure you will be ok. Drinking plenty of water can help stop dehydration as you can feel dizzy in hot weather or any time with diabetes.

Bet your hair looks fab and the new outfit will look great. Well done. G

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I hope it goes well, Kats!

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Thank you. I’m so scared, it’s all I can think about. All I want is to have proper access to my children, and then the next step is to get them back permanently. They are better off with me, I’m not working so they wouldn’t have to spend 50 hours per week at a childminders anymore, they could be looked after by a parent who loves them, it’s so much better than being at a childminder.

I just hope the judge agrees with me. I’ve thought about what I’m going to say over and over. Xx

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Hi kats I hope that it goes ok tomorrow.

If you don’t get exactly what you hope for it is not hopeless, with small steps and focusing on getting better and your own recovery you will be able to get access in time.

Take care Ellie

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Thank you Ellie.

It will be hopeless if I don’t get to see them. I’ve worked so hard to stay out of hospital and to seek help when I need it. I really hope that is acknowledged because it shows that I’m focused on recovering for my babies.

My so scared, my solicitor isn’t representing me so I’ve got to speak to a barrister tomorrow who is going to represent me. I want to ask him if I can talk. I want the judge to hear how I feel.

Xx

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Hi Kat

Will be thinking of you tomorrow ....well done for fighting .... this shows that you have strength and things will get better - maybe not as quickly as you would like but all going in the right direction ... take care xx

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Thank you Jas. I can’t even sleep because I’m so nervous. All other court cases have just been procedure and I was in hospital so couldn’t really fight for my babies. This one is all or nothing basically. I just hope and pray the judge takes pity on me and rules in my favour x

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Can you get a second opinion. I have bipolar 1. Was off lithium for many months for preg but actually found things better. My issue was more manic episodes. Quetiapine is good but it depends if right for you and ur symptoms. See if there a substitute for lithium, maybe sodium valproate, another mood stabiliser I tuk for years. The usual care plan generally, low stress, exercise, enough sleep. The doctor shudnt take you off lithium they's v strange . Usually even in preg they don't wana stop it

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I lost in court.

I wish I was dead.

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Hi Kats

I'm so sorry to hear that, you have been really brave to go to court.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this really isn't the end. Try to focus on your own recovery, and getting better, seeking all the professional support you can, as well as any family and friends. Step by step, as you recover, and within time, you will be able to see your children. You have been doing so well, making yourself have a shower, going out etc, do keep trying to take those small steps.

Are you with someone today? Try to reach out for support so you are not alone and are safe. Are you seeing your care coordinator, or anyone else soon?

There really is hope though I know this is hard to take right now.

We are all thinking of you,

Ellie X

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No I’m on my own, as usual. Not seeing CC until Friday and don’t even want to see her. She has not helped me in the slightest.

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Hi Kats

It is so hard. Please do reach out for support, can you Phone your dad, or someone else?

And remember you can ring 999 or the Samaritans, or email them.

You will see your children and rebuild your life again, just slowly with small steps. There is hope.

We are thinking of you.

Ellie xx

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Hi Kat

I’m so sorry - you must be so disappointed- please try and keep the strength you have shown up until now - you are so important to you children even though you may not feel it at the moment ..... we are all here sending support ...... please talk to someone ..... the Samaritans, friends, family ... Jas xx

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Don't give up now you have got back on your feet. Between now and June when the trial is

I hope you can get help with your diabetes and a check for meds which may help you.

I'm not sure I you mentioned candida in a post as affecting you as it can also cause depression. Coconut oil can be bought at supermarkets and is helpful for candida. it is also a h elp for the brain and helps memory and concentration. Dr Mercola's website has info on the use of coconut oil to improve brain function. If you have candida cutting out yeast products bread buns and others might help candida and sugar levels. Take care. G

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I don’t have Candida. I’ve never had a yeast infection in all my life.

My depression is situational.

I just want my children back.

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Sorry - it was another thread . You are the master of your own destiny.

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I just rang the Samaritans hoping to just be able to talk about I feel and the guy just told me to go to a&e and that he didn’t know what to say to me. No one can help me.

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Hi Kats it’s so good you are reaching out for support and that you rang Samaritans. That is a really positive thing.

Do ring 999 or go to A&E if you don’t feel safe. Or can you reach out to someone who can be with you?

We are all thinking of you.

Ellie x

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No one can be with me, my dad is away, I have cut all ties with my mother, I don’t speak to my sisters, I have no friends. The only person I have is myself. And right now that’s just not good enough.

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Hi Kats88, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so alone.

There is also some information which you might find helpful at sane.org.uk

They have an evening phone line, SANEline

, 0300 304 7000 which operates between 4.30pm & 10.30pm daily and provides support which you might also like to try if you'd like to talk.

We are thinking of you, take care, xx

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I will give them a call. All I want is to talk to someone about everything that’s happening. Today I haven’t even got up or showered 😕 I feel so defeated x

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Hi Kats88,

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. I just want to echo that every one on the forum is thinking of you and to reach out to someone you feel you can talk to or the samaritans or the link Hannah provided.

Take care of yourself.

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I rang Saneline and spoke to someone for 25 minutes. She was more helpful than the Samaritans but said she had to end the call just when we were talking about overdoses and stuff so I felt it came to an abrupt end. But at least I managed to speak to someone about everything. And I’m finally getting over my phone phobia by making the calls.

Xx

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healthchat.org/mental- health-chat-rooms. US 6 hours behind us -free - looks ok.

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Phone phobia is ghastly - know the feeling. As you have off links with your side of the family do you think you have the courage to phone someone in your family as they may be hurt you have not contacted them. They still love you no matter what you think. It's hard to build bridges when you may have felt no one could understand you but may be contacting Saneline is showing you, can communicate your feelings. No need of reply.

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My mother subjected me to 19 years of emotional abuse, and 7 years of physical abuse. She turned a blind eye to the sexual abuse I was subjected to at the hands of my uncle in favour of spending the weekends with her new man.

When I was just 17 she organised for a solicitor to write me an eviction notice which I read one day on the way to school. It gave me 4 weeks to leave my own home. I had to leave school mid way through my A levels and work full time in a supermarket to pay rent on a flat in a terrible area of town.

She would hit me and my sisters with anything she could get her hands on. I remember having to stand in my youngest sister’s bedroom to protect her and say “if you’re going to hit her you’ll have to hit me too”. I was only 13/14. My sister was 7.

She is a functioning alcoholic, and so is my stepfather. When they get drunk they send me texts of abuse.

I sent her a text back one day saying when I get my children back I will never allow you to see them again, and on the day of court she forwarded that to my ex husband to use against me in court.

Yesterday I discovered she had sent a letter to the court making the most horrendous allegations against me, and saying I was damaged and would never be a good mother. She said in it she fully supported my ex husband in having the children full time and she had grave concerns about my mental health. She has invited my ex husband to stay at her house multiple times, and has given him thousands of pounds. This is the man who, whilst I was in a psychiatric hospital, had an affair with our childminder and then left me for her, taking my children and my pets with him. She has adopted him as a son, and has neglected me, her eldest daughter.

She is a nasty, cruel, narcissistic, evil, twisted bitch and I NEVER want her in my life again. I have blocked her and her husband on all social media, WhatsApp, phone and text. She can not contact me in any way. She will never feature in my life again and I truly wish her dead. I can not forgive her for what she put me through. When I was only 13 I became anorexic and started to self harm, in an attempt to regain some control over my life. I lost my virginity to my uncle, aged 11. Instead of supporting me, she rejected me. She knew I was cutting myself but she never once asked why or got any help for me. The school rang her to tell her I was anorexic and she said “good, she was fat to begin with”. My school had to take me to the gp, and the school nurse used to make me a packed lunch out of her own pocket and would make me sit with her every lunchtime to ensure I ate.

When I was 16, I finally sought help and got counselling at a youth centre, who referred me to camhs. I beat my anorexia with the right support and aged 18 I stopped self harming.

I met my ex husband aged 19 and put myself through university, working 2 jobs alongside uni to pay for my bills whilst studying. My mum never offered her assistance. I got a good job and I had my little boy. I made a life for myself in the face of a horrendous childhood and it is all my mothers fault.

There is no way you could pay me enough to get in touch with her. Recently, when I took the large overdose, my friend contacted my sister for help. My sister told my mum, who called an ambulance. But she never called or text me. She never asked if I was ok, or if there was anything she could do.

My stepmother has been a shining light through all of this. She has been in my life since I was 5 years old. I have her unconditional support and love. She deserves the title of Mum, not my biological mother. My stepbrother texts me practically every day to ask if I’m ok. I haven’t spoken to my biological sisters in over a year.

My dad is my rock. He knows everything, and I speak to him multiple times per day. He is the best dad a girl could wish for, and it was seeing him crying at the hospital because he thought he had lost me, that has given me the inner strength to fight through this awful illness.

I’m sorry to have written all this but I hope you understand why I would never ever contact my mothers side of the family. They are dead to me. When I say they don’t care, it’s because they genuinely don’t, and never have. My mother has told me repeatedly that she doesn’t love me, and I have no doubt that this is the truth. I was an abused and unwanted child who turned to self destruction and she neglected me.

There is so much more I could say but it would be even more of an essay and some of it is even more distressing than what I have already written (I appreciate admin will probably put a warning on my post to prepare others from being triggered).

I’ve never got it all out here before. And then, on top of my horrendous childhood, I was unlucky enough to get postpartum psychosis and severe postnatal depression which triggered bipolar. My husband left me when I was at my (almost) most vulnerable, in a psychiatric hospital.

Currently, I am stable to an extent. I am in a depressive episode and can’t even find it in me to eat. I have had 600 calories today. I am fighting for my children like my life depended on it. Which it literally does. I moved here for my ex husband’s job and left all my friends behind. So I am incredibly lonely. I now have diagnosed of pp, pnd, mdd, bipolar, ocpd & adjustment disorder. I am on benefits as I lost my job. I can not afford to pay my mortgage so my house is in the early stages of being repossessed. I don’t have my children, my rabbits or my dog. I have lost everything I had that I fought so hard to achieve.

But I’m still here.

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Just a suggestion - could you do try to rent of a room by interviewing possible ladies

a police woman or trainee nurse - or someone who help the mortgage repayments.

You can buy legal books on how to rent out a room and secure direct debits to ensure they pay the rent every week or month. Your dad could help your interview the right person.

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My dear Kats

This is heartbreaking. I don't think I've ever replied to you I never knew what to say but I have been reading your posts for quite some time and you certainly have been to hell and back! I think this last posting from you is possibly a breakthrough? You have brought up some painful shit from the past and i may be wrong but isn't that the first step in getting well? I know from experience that talking things out is not easy but you have to get it all out eventually. My heart hurts from all you have been through I feel in a way I kinda know you from reading all your many posts from before you went in hospital. Many years ago I had a baby and I went through some horrible times that is why I kept reading your posts. Hang in there girl won't you? You've been through the worst it can only get better now. Depression is hell but you got over psychosis and you will get over this also. You are truly a survivor. Love you Kats.

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I forgot to tell you one thing Karts.

I think you are amazing☺

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Ahh thank you Jamie. I don’t know if it’s a breakthrough or not, I’ve never really got it all out about my Mum before so maybe it is. Although there is so much more still to be said. I guess that’s why I’m back in counselling, to try and get to the bottom of things and talk them out. I find it so hard to be open about things.

Thank you for saying all the kind things you have, it really means a lot. I’m so sorry you went through some really tough times after having your baby, post natal mental illness is really such a bastard. It steals those first precious moments with your baby and makes you lose your mind. I hope you are well now.

I’m still up with racing thoughts and its nearly 4am, I can’t sleep because I keep thinking about everything that’s happening to me and I just want it all to go away. Xx

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Hi Kats88, I was sad to read about what has happened to you. It's good that you have felt able to share your experiences here, and I hope you understand about the text we've added to the top of your post so that others are aware of the content.

I hope that the counselling will help you further with these thoughts and memories. I also wanted to share a couple of links which might be helpful to you:

napac.org.uk/about/ The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) is the UK’s leading national charity offering support to adult survivors of all types of childhood abuse. They also offer a support line and email facility: napac.org.uk/calling-our-su...

Also thesurvivorstrust.org/ has lots of info and resources, including how to find support locally to you.

I hope you are able to rest today after the racing thoughts you experienced last night, and please take care, we are thinking of you, xx

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Racing brain is a stress related condition associated with response to fight or flight.

Research has shown that one side of the brain is more concerned with speech and thought processing whilst the other is the more creative side of the brain. By switching your brain to another activity other than the current thoughts you might find some way of relieving the anxiety. It is also related to sleeplessness so it's a vicious cycle. Another method of cognitive behavioural therapy which might work is to use a mantra "stop it," talk to yourself may be several times and it might stop.

I have had this over the years with anxiety problems associated with life events and have found if I get up and make myself a milky drink hot choc, then watch TV shopping programmes about cleaning steamers cookery craft demos my mind switches off onto a non stimulating subject.

I also do some knitting - I don't care if I make mistakes and drop stitches, it just makes the other side of your brain work rather than the rational side of the brain.

Cognitive behavioural therapy helps feelings of negativity and may be free on the NHS.

It is understandable you have so many bad memories from your life and I really believe

the letter your mother wrote was a form of mental abuse due to her dislike.

Your are right to remove links with people who have caused you distress as this will only worsen your health.

I think you really need a mental health solicitor to review this situation as the court case may have been biased in favour of your husband. You need to know how you stand with access

to your children, You cannot fight a custody battle until you can show your health is strong enough. I am so glad you are not alone with relationship with your dad and step mum and

stepbrother. The counselling may help now you are prepared to open up on your past which you have bottled up. This is why a psychiatrist might have found your responses dissociated and negative. It's finding the right psychiatrist/ psychologist to help you through this emotional maze to help go you forward. You have only been assessed as part of PP disorders.

As you have the tools to go back to work with your degree and past job experience I just hope that the immediate future with your home being repossessed and being on benefits will not further rslow down your progress. As your medication might contain misirpetine anti depressant this makes you pile on weight as well as olanzapine. Your general health needs attention with diabetes and skin complaints such as abscess. Thinking of you no need to reply - opening up helps not only you but others who have had similar experiences. No reply needed

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Good morning Kats

It is difficult to open up about your feelings I did the same thing. Keeping it bottled up is like poisoning yourself. You need to get that poison out of your body.

When I was in therapy and finally opened up it made me really sad and I would cry and cry and cry but it was a different kinda cry like crying of relief.letting all those emotions out. It was hard to do and took me awhile but after the first time it got easier. Hope you are able to do this with your dr./ pyscharitist it really is the best thing. Just open up and let it all out don't hold nothing back. It will make you exhausted but in the long run it will be good for you. It really is hard work but I know you can do it. Keep pushing forward for all of us here at health unlocked. You have many fans here wanting you to feel better. My gosh you have been through so much and survived. I'm proud of you! Talk later

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Well I saw my doctor and she said we didn’t have time to discuss how I was feeling because she was running late! So that was not useful.

She also gave me more antibiotics which don’t work for my abscess on my face. I told her i’d already been on them for a week and still had the abscess but she said they were the right ones and gave me more. So I’m going to a private GP on Saturday to get co-amoxiclav which is a much stronger antibiotic that should actually clear it up. It’s so painful.

It is really hard to open up especially about my mum because I spent so many wasted years vying for her affection and desperately trying to get her to accept me and love me. To cut her out of my life is quite refreshing to be honest, I don’t have to feel like I’m missing having a Mum anymore because I have accepted that she’s been no mother to me and I’m better off without her.

I’m not allowed CBT on the NHS because I’m “too complex” for cbt, but because of a lack of psychologist in my town there is no other therapy provided. So if I want any therapy I have to pay for it myself. I’m already paying for counselling, which I find useful and can’t afford a psychologist as well.

Xx

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Hi Kats88, sorry to hear that the GP appointment wasn't helpful for you. I hope you can get more support at the appointment on Saturday. An abcess sounds really painful, perhaps it's worth trying the ones you were given today, so you can feel you are trying them, just in case?

Accessing therapy can be really hard too, and it's good the counselling is helping you. Opening up about the situation with your Mum must have been a really big step. We're thinking of you. Take care, xx

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The appointment on Saturday is just for the abscess. She said I was just severely run down rather than attributing it to my diabetes which is out of control at the moment and is the cause of all these abscesses. I can’t get my blood sugars below 12.3 (normal is 4-7) despite not eating sugar. I’m taking the antibiotics anyway, just to say they’re not working. The abscess is very very painful, and swollen from my eye socket all the way down to my top lip.

I got some really fantastic news today, I applied for my dream job about 8 weeks ago, and in my application I had to explain about taking the police to court and winning, my chilldren, my lack of contact with them and my mental health, as it all features on my dbs check. I explained about my overdoses and my diagnosis and listed what meds I was on. Anyway, I got an email today saying I’ve been shortlisted and invited to the first stage assessments! My plan was not to work for the next year or so to concentrate on my mental health and getting my children back, but as this job doesn’t come up very often I had to apply, and I’m over the moon that despite everything I wrote they have invited me to be assessed! Now I need to brush up on my maths! Xx

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I have managed to get my blood sugar down from 20 to 6. The lowett I could get it was 9 - so was pleasantly surprised to find my change in diet due to multi allergies has really helped.

I have removed flour rice rye barley and all products with these in - eggs - and dairy.

I changed my grain to oats and have potato as a starch, and cut out cheese which was a hole in my life as I cannot eat sugar. Have you tried the Berry diet of having fresh or frozen raspberries black currants and blue berries, with skyr yoghurt or a little cream? Logging onto Stephen Gundry MD website I found really helpful, showing foods that retard metabolism including soy.

These berries accelerate metabolism. I changed to lactase free milk which has helped cut down

blood sugar, but am now on coconut milk which tastes fine. I also havec ut down on carb vegetables like swede turnip parsnips and potatoes and will have broccoli spinach runner beans cauliflower as a base for curries, or meat recipes instead of pasta or flour thickeners.

It sounds extravagant but you never know if multi alllergies are blowing your gut up and causing you problems with lethargy, and little energy.

Slow weight loss even when trying can be due to thyroid problems . I t is disappointing when

GPs refuse to accept that metabolic disorders can cause weith gain and depression.

Unless you ask to have all your thyroid tests with anti bodies, and T3 and T4 free and TSH

you will be told you are within normal range - when you might not be normal, or at optimal levels. Hope you feel better with different antibiotics. Advice for abcesses is to put a hot flannel over the area to try and bring the pus out. I found this ok for sties. I use comvita wound honey gel which cleans out the debris, and is antibacterial. You can get this from chemist.co.uk -or from Holland and barratt. I am not sure crying therapy is right for you - it can take months to get the poison out and the feelings of resentment and pain and rejection so it's best to let go of these contacts and move on to things which will like doing - I bet you have a lot of hobbies which you can't focus on. I have never been referred to an endocrine specialist but have had an ultrasound on my thyroid which showed up quit strongly. I have been eating high iodine foods such as fiish - fish paste salmon prawns at least four times a week, and milk - my thyroid has gone down on one side anc can actually see the arteries in my neck. This is a ramble.

Cutting down on carbs in all food with high vegetable and some protein is a fast route to losing weight but with a metabolic disorder you, - might find it hard to lose weight. I have a slice of melon for breakfast red and yellow pepers with a special dressing I make with extra virgin olive oil, coconut oil and cider vinegar which can accelerate weigh loss. I like potatoand lelek soup, and home made chicken soup made with the bones and carrots ptoatoes and onions. They say

the chicken soup works like an anti biotic. I feel better after having some.

Think you are mazing to have coped with everything going on at once!

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And now I’m sat on my bed crying my eyes out. No one cares about me or how I feel. Me and my dad have fallen out, or rather, I’ve refused to speak to him, because he is being so selfish about my children.

I just want my children back with me. I don’t feel like a mum, I am truly alone and I feel like I may as well be dead because no one cares about me as a Mum. Xx

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You are not alone, people here care for you. I know exactly how you feel about going to court to get your children back. Been there, done that. If I can offer and help and support please do ask away x x

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Thank you rachellea. Did you have social services on your case too? Xx

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The boys had an allocated social worker and to be honest she was a witch. She openly favoured my ex husband and openly made out she thought I was evil. She wrote very negative reports about me until she saw all the positive reports I got from psychiatrist s etc and she wrote a favourable report. I have nothing to do with the woman now, I hate her

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Yeah that’s the exact problem I’m having. She loves my ex husband and thinks he’s just a poor single dad doing his best. All I get is negative after negative report, despite my mental health team saying I’m doing well.

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If my court case hadn't come to a positive conclusion and she had persisted in favouring my ex I would have asked for a new one, you're within your rights to do so x

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Hi Kats

It was heartbreaking to read your earlier post about all the trauma you’ve been through in your life. You have amazing strength, and you can come through this latest battle.

I hope you can surround yourself with, and lean on, the people who Iove and care about you. You mention your dad, step mum and step brother and you also mention some friends. I hope you can talk to or see your dad today and resolve things with him. As well as working with all the professionals supporting you, and your counsellor.

It’s great to hear you have been shortlisted for your dream job, even if you aren’t ultimately successful it shows you will be in the future! This is an amazing achievement.

I know I’ve said this before, but perhaps try to just make small plans each day, taking those small steps, having a shower, eating, doing some housework, phoning a friend. My experience was that doing these small things really helped me slowly recover and fight the depression.

Take care, thinking of you,

Ellie

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Thank you Ellie. I don’t feel strong, but I’m still going so there must be some inner strength there somewhere.

I’ve spoken to my dad and told him how I feel about him using me for mediation to get him access and have said I won’t go.

I’ve also told my social worker that I won’t stand for her behaviour any more and that her smear campaign must stop. She replied saying she’d see me in court. So much for working WITH families. She is absolutely working against me.

I saw my care coordinator earlier and she claimed that whilst in hospital I had asked other patients to buy me medication to take an overdose with. I can swear on my children’s lives this is not true. I NEVER asked anyone to do such a thing. I was really annoyed by this and I’m going to have to do a subject access request to get hold of my notes so I can correct them all.

I told her that she must start putting pressure on social services saying that I am stable (ish) and that I am not a danger to my children. She said she would send them an email. I said I had never ever hurt my children in any way and it was vital that the mental health team were supporting me in getting my children back.

My cpn is back Monday and I’m going to ask her to do the same. Then, if the mental health team are all saying that I’m not a danger to my children social services are going to look terrible in court for preventing me from seeing them.

I’m also taking out private law proceedings against my ex husband to get my children back. The public law proceedings end on 29th June and from then social services will no longer have a supervision order and no say in what the children do. So I will go to court myself to get them back. Xx

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I’m going off my meds as of tonight. I got on the scales and was horrified. It’s my meds making me fat so I’m coming off them. Anyone have any pointers? I’m coming off all my physical ones too except for omeprazole. Xx

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Hi Kats

It sounds like you’ve had a difficult day, with some difficult conversations.

Is your dad maybe trying to help you see your children too, in suggesting mediation? I hope you can get on good terms with him, it’s so important that you have that family contact and support.

Do try to work with the professionals, particularly those supporting you with your mental health. It was through professional support, among other things, that I recovered . And i imagine that if you are open and engaged with your cpn and care coordinator and work with them, over time and as you recover with their support, they will be able to write positive references to help you get access to your children?

I personally don’t feel it would be good just to come off your meds. Only a week or so ago you were saying you were having psychotic symptoms because of being late with one of your medications? And the last thing you want is to relapse. And I imagine if you stopped taking your meds they wouldn’t be able to write a positive report for you saying you are stable for example?

I hope you don’t mind me writing quite strongly, i just know you really want to recover and get access to your children again, and it would be awful for you to do something that would prevent that.

Is there anything you could plan to do to tackle the weight? Plan healthy meals, and exercise and have this as a bit of a goal for yourself? I know that’s harder said than done though, I’m not great at that!

Take care kats , we are all thinking of you.

Ellie xx

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They won’t know I’ve come off them. I’m not telling anyone.

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Night one meds free. Can’t sleep. But it will be worth it for the weight loss. I’ve been restricting what I eat to a max of 700 calories a day and am not losing much so this has to be the best way forward. X

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Hi Kats

I too would urge caution in stopping your meds without supervision. From what you’ve written previously and the effects you suffer when they start wearing off, I think it’s extremely risky.

Please discuss this with professionals. You’re trying so hard and you are making steps forward, even if it doesn’t always feel like it, you need to be as stable as you can be and show you’re compliant with your treatment to support you in your fight for your kids.

Take care, we’re all thinking of you.

Jenny x

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I’m on a cto so I’m not sure if they will let me come off my depot but I’m not intending on turning up to the depot clinic to have it done.

The weight gain is a massive trigger for my depression. I have to do something about it now as it is really getting me down. It’s my meds making me fat, so the best thing to do is come off them. Saying that, I was awake all night. Which shows how reliant I am on my meds to sleep. I don’t want to be reliant on anything.

I expect i’ll get some pretty bad withdrawals as I’m on 300mg of venlafaxine but I’m not leaving my house this week so I can afford to be physically ill for a week.

Xx

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Dear Kats . You will know by the number of replies that so many of us feel huge empathy and sympathy for your current dilemmas and you have clearly had the strength of purpose to identify your goals, and work towards them despite the ups and downs along this rocky path . Even in good relationships there will be some gaps in understanding so do what you can to show your dad how much you appreciate him. Your toxic past clearly has been very damaging but how sensible to cut ties with it .

Please reconsider stopping drugs precipitously owing to weight gain issues . Walking daily though it seems boring can reduce weight in 6 weeks . Eating protein and vegs is good for you and will aid healing as you are clearly run down.

You may have lost the battle but make sure you win the war . Your children will be very proud of their brave mother who faced her demons , followed her heart and never gave up . You are inspiring and deserve the best in your life .stop criticising yourself ! Be the person you want to be . You can rise above this . You have brains , a deep sense of justice , and what’s more a future , where you feel safe and confident . Slowly and surely you will recover your health and your self esteem . With love Denizt x

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Thanks Denzit.

I have stopped my meds, and I’ve seen the private doctor today and got a weeks worth of zopiclone to help me sleep in the absence of mirtazapine and amitriptyline. She didn’t know i’d stopped them though.

I’m not going to get my aripiprazole tablets at the end of the month, I’m determined to try and do this without meds. I need to lose so much weight.

Xx

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Hello Kats88

Please be very careful about keeping things to yourself that your doctor should know about. I can understand you want to be meds free but as others have said it's not possible to remain stable without them. Years ago I was fed up taking mine and wanted to prove that I could manage without them and show everyone how well I was ...... big mistake as I went downhill so quickly and relapsed. I wouldn't like that to happen to you so please think about it as you are going for your dream job interview and need to be stable and alert.

We come in all shapes and sizes Kats ...... don't be so hard on yourself. Your mental health is so much more important. Take good care. xx

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I’ve bought laxatives to take so my body doesn’t absorb much of the food I eat, and I test my urine to make sure there’s ketones in it so I know my body is using up its fat stores. I weigh myself about 5 times a day, on two different sets of scales so I can be sure that they’re giving me the correct reading.

So far I’ve been eating well and lost absolutely nothing because every time I lose I end up putting it back on. I’m disgusted with myself.

I just feel that if I stop taking my meds I will lose the weight. And my weight is making my mental health worse xx

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With diabetes type 2 your ability to secrete insulin is lowered, so foods which contain carbohydrates, will delay weight loss. Eating well means reducing those foods which might look ok but can affect your insulin levels. Porridge oats can help lower your blood sugar, whereas flour, and wheat products, will only help delay weight loss.

Sugar is found in cows milk goats and cheese milk in the form of lactase. However hard cheese such as cheddar cheese, may contain about 2mg of lactase but is high in fat.

You can buy reduced fat cheddar cheese - edam and others but they may raise your chloleterol, causing arterial blockage. A small amount about the size of matchbox of cheese is recommended on NHS diets. Cottage cheese is low fat, but still has lactase as all milks have including skimmed milk. You can now buy lactase free milk which can cut down your sugar levels. Soft drinks with reduced sugar are a no no as they only reduce the sugar by 20 percent - but no added sugar drinks can alright provided they don't contain sucrose and other sweetners which convert to sugar in the liver.

If you are diabetic and are on a protein diet with low carbs using fish and cheese in small amounts and cottage cheese will help you lose weight quickly. It has been found that too high protein diet can affect your kidneys so you have to drink more water.

During the first week you may find you might lose only half a pound if you are diabetic - that's why it's advisable not to weigh your self too often during the day. Usually weigh yourself at the same time in the morning - you usually lose 2ib over night after going to the loo! You might find after several weeks of consistency in diet sticking to your plan you have lost at least 5 pounds. The drugs you were on may encourage your appetite so you keep eating as the drugs are stimulating your brain to eat more.

If you go on sister sites such as healthunlocked and thyroid unlocked and healthy food sites such as yummy you might find some interesting diets. Actually buying preparing and choosing foods is therapeutic. A recent tip is that a natural source of progesterone in sweet potatoes might be helpful for fluid retention and pre menstrual tension when hormone progesterone levels imbalance can cause aggressive behaviour. Katherine Dalton was

the first woman and endocrinologist who discovered the hormonal link between low progesterone pre menstrual cycle and post partum depression including psychotic depression. She only recommended eating sweet potato every day as a natural source of progesterone, but some clinics of yesteryear would test progesterone levels during pregnancy and would give progesterone injections if there signs of mental health imbalance during the pregnancy. If a mother had a first born with post partum psychosis, and had a second child - the kmother was given a progesterone injection which some mothers found useful as there was no post partum depression second time around.

Hope you do get better and can sleep well and keep your links with

your doctor and with other outside agencies who can help.G.G.

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Hi Kats

I do understand you wanting to be off your meds and wanting to lose weight, but honestly believe you need the meds to get better and remain stable. Adding in some gentle exercise or activity is a good idea and may help boost your mood a little too.

Be kind to yourself kats, small changes a step at a time. Please reconsider what you’re doing with your medication and discuss it with somebody who can perhaps help you try a different approach to weight loss, as lilybeth says your mental health is so much more important.

Best wishes

Jenny x

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I’m back in hospital. Took a huge overdose yesterday. I’m really ill. I think they’re going to section me, but I have to be medically cleared before I can see the psych team.

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Hi Kats

I'm so sorry to hear your news that you are back in hospital, this is really sad to hear.

I really hope you are able to get the professional help you need. Do try to open up to the professionals and your dad and other family members, and let them help you.

Kats, you really can come through this, I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you really can.

We are all thinking of you.

Take care,

Ellie XX

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Thank you Ellie.

I’m ok, I was unconscious on arrival to hospital but after 2 shots of naloxone, and lots of drips to bring my heart rate down and to flush everything out I am feeling a little better. I just want to go home, I’m thinking of discharging myself. Because I don’t want to be recalled to the psych ward.

The staff aren’t being kind, I feel like a burden to them. X

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Hi Kats

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I know you don't want to be recalled to the psych ward again, but it's so important you get the right support and help.

We are all thinking of you a lot.

Ellie XX

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I’m just waiting for bloods to medically clear me then I’m going. I can’t stop being sick and I’d rather do it at home than here. No one wants me here, they’re ignoring me and they wouldn’t even notice if I left.

I’m so thirsty but they won’t let me go and buy a drink even though the shop is next door. I can’t drink the water they provide, it’s warm and disgusting.

I feel like I can’t go back to the psych ward, it makes me worse. I hate the consultant and the manager and they said I would never be welcome back. I know i’ll be put back on my meds and I don’t want to. X

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Hi Kats, my goodness you are so hard on yourself . You’ve had a traumatic time and are concerned about your weight ; that’s clear but stopping meds very suddenly can be very dangerous . . You could give the consultant another chance to show you that they do care about your health even if you’ll never be best friends . Did you think of talking to Samaritans before taking the overdose? I sense you have lost faith in the medical and psychiatric staff at present , and they are not showing the kindness you need , but this may improve ..

Don’t give up hope Kats . Many of us have been there and recovered not only our mental health but our self esteem .

Did you see the CMHT nurses in last few days??

Thinking of you Kats as are many of your friends on this site .xx

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Thank you denzit.

I am being recalled to the psych ward. For 72 hours whilst they decide whether to section me or not.

I’ve flat out refused to go back to the old psych ward I was on and have said I will leave.

I did talk to the Samaritans, they called an ambulance. X

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Going to the mh ward in 20 mins. Going to fight this all the way, I don’t want or need to go. Luckily I’m going to one where the consultant is nice . X

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We are thinking of you a lot Kats. I hope you can accept their help, from the consultant and the staff there. They are there to help you get better, and more stable.

Take care, Ellie XX

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I'm so sorry to hear this sad news Kats I understand the wanting to lose weight part it happened to me too the meds made me gain weight but you have to take care of your mental health first then work on other issues. I know it's depressing when you feel fat and ugly but it's more than the weight that's depressing you. You must try really hard to get over this depression then every thing else will be a piece of cake. I've been thinking of you and I'm doing my best to send you positive and healing energy. Please get better

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I tried to run off when walking from the main hospital to the psych ward and I got halfway up the road when they caught me and called the response team and they dragged me in. I was screaming and fighting and as soon as I got in they injected me twice, with lorazepam and haloperidol to “calm me down”. I don’t want to be here. I hate it. They took my phone off me but I managed to get it back. I want to go home.

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And they say I have to take my meds. Which is ridiculous because it should be my choice. I’ve “agreed” to take them at 5pm but it’s never going to happen. x

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Hi Kats

I’m sorry to hear you’re back in hospital.

I know it’s not what you want but the staff will all want what’s best for you, to get you better and stable. Taking your medication is a really important part of that, everything else can be tackled later.

We’re all thinking of you.

Jenny x

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I’m refusing them. I’ve refused to leave my room and I’m not taking them. I don’t need them.

My solicitor is organising for my babies to come visit me this weekend! I’m so excited. That’s the only good thing about being in hospital. X

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Dear Kats88

Sending you massive hugs. Please take this time to look after yourself and become well. It sounds all very confusing and chaotic but you will get through this and will be better x x

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Thank you Theo.

I am so upset, they’re putting me on olanzapine so they can inject me daily, and I don’t want to go on it. It makes me fat.

I had to take my venlafaxine as they said if I didn’t take them I would definitely be sectioned. And I don’t want that, I want to go home. I feel defeated, I’m going to put back on all the weight that I’ve lost.

Xx

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hi - you should be careful with mobile phone calls - always check if a number is withheld . Use ring back if mainline phone contact is made. Cutting down on extra stimulation from horror movies or unpleasant news reports can upset your nerves. Glad your weight loss has progressed. Keep resting.

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Just tried to escape. Failed. Just sat here crying. I want to go home.

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Try to stay strong, kats. I know you don’t want to be there but you can get through this. Hopefully things will start feeling a little more stable soon then you can focus on getting better.

Sending you very warm wishes x

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They just keep jabbing me. I’ve been jabbed 3 times today and put me back on clonazepam 4 x a day. I don’t want extra meds, all I want is to go home 😢😢 x

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Kats try and rest. We are all here for you and are thinking of you at this very hard difficult time. I know you want to be at home, they are trying their best to make you well and keep you safe, which is what you need right now. Look after yourself. lots of love x

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It’s meds time and they want me to take my mirtazapine but I don’t want to take it. Nor my amitriptyline. I don’t want another battle, I’m so sleepy from the injections. I just want to go to bed. I ate a chicken sandwich earlier so I’ve had something to eat which they’re happy about. Seeing the doctor tomorrow and hoping to be discharged xx

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I hope you get some rest tonight kats, we’re all thinking of you xx

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Thank you jenny. I hope so too. I just want it to be ward round already so I can ask to be discharged xx

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Hi Kats

I hope that you are OK. I hope you can let the professionals help you, and that you get the support that you need so you can become more stable.

Take care, we are thinking of you.

Ellie

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Yeah I’m ok. I didn’t sleep well at all. Seeing the doctor at 2.30pm and hoping he decides not to do a mental health act assessment. All I want is to go home, I know I shouldn’t have taken an overdose and I regret it, so hopefully they’ll see that and understand. Xx

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Hope you feel better soon. It will be great to see your babies. Work with them and you'll be home earlier. I used to run a slimming club many years ago - so when you are home again you might find diets which will help especially with the drugs which are making you put on weight. A lot of ladies had metabolic disorders and were under their doctors so you have to be careful with diabetes an thyroid disorders. Take care Kat.

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I refused to take my mirtazapine last night and they didn’t push it too much. They had a chat with me and said I risked become more depressed without it and and that it would help me but for me, it’s better without it. I am steadily losing weight since I’ve stopped taking it and that in turn is boosting my mood. I took my meds this morning though. They’re saying my meds are weight neutral but a quick google of mirtazapine shows me the main side effect is weight gain.

It’s so boring here. They literally keep you safe and then leave you, apart from to check on me every 15 mins. But I begged them to let me weigh myself this morning and I’ve lost 7lbs!! So I’m really happy about that and am hoping this is the start of getting “me” back again xx

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Congratulations on the weight lost!

The only thing that helped me lose weight while still taking my meds was the south beach diet. You should Google it. Basically you eat no sugar and no carbs and eat lots of veggies lean cuts of meat and healthy fats like olive oil coconut oil fat from nuts and avocados. It's also a good diet for lowering blood sugar.

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Hi Kats

I hope that you are able to get the support you need, to recover and become more stable. I hope you can open up to the staff so they can better support you. As I said before, taking the medication that they advised me to take when I was going through PP and depression was absolutely essential to getting better. Do try to listen and follow the treatment they are suggesting, the staff will be specialised in treatments and what can help you.

Take care,

Ellie

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I’m going home tomorrow!!! They’re not doing a mental health act assessment! I’m so grateful to the consultant for not keeping me in. Have to have the crisis team coming out twice per day to monitor meds compliance but I’m at least going to be at home! Xx

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Hi kats

That’s good to hear you’re going home tomorrow.

I hope you can build a good relationship with the crisis team at home so they can support you and that it helps you to keep taking your medication so you can become more stable.

Take care

Ellie

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Thank you Ellie. I know the crisis team hate me and it’s only because my lovely consultant spoke to their consultant and basically forced their hand that I’m being allowed out. He said he wanted me to get to my job interview and wanted me to try and move forward and being stuck in hospital isn’t going to make that happen. But I MIGHT be seeing my kids on Friday! Xx

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Hi Kats

I hope you can find someone from the crisis team to connect with as I imagine they could be a good support. Your consultant sounds really supportive, and helpful, that's really good to hear.

I hope you can focus on some of the positive things you can do now to recover, and become more stable - perhaps looking after and nurturing yourself, and your house, and having a daily routine and activities for yourself to include exercise etc, and maybe you could even venture to some local groups that you might find helpful so you're not so isolated?

We are thinking of you.

Ellie

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I’m home! I’m already in bed though, but in my defence I am exhausted, I haven’t slept for days.

The crisis team are coming out at 7.30pm to watch me take my meds then they’re leaving so I don’t know if they’ll try to engage with me at all.

I’ve already taken a load of laxatives and have only managed to force down half a sandwich for lunch, coronation chicken with spinach. I can feel the grips of an eating disorder getting me, I’m obsessed with it. I’ve lost 1 stone in 10 days 😕 xx

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Hi Kats88, I hope you are able to rest and that you find the crisis team supportive when they visit later. Perhaps there will be someone from the crisis team you can connect with, as Ellie says, I imagine they will be a good support. Please try and stay safe, and talk to the professionals as they are there to support you in becoming fully well again. You can also contact the SANELine or Samaritans again if you need to talk. Take care, xx

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They’ve been and I’ve taken my meds. I’m not happy about taking them so early. But needs must. I really don’t like being on a cto so they can recall me to hospital at any time. I rang my mh nurse for support today to explain about my eating issues and she never called me back. The crisis team only stayed about 10 mins, they just asked about my mood and asked me to rate it out of 10, and then asked me to take my meds and open my mouth after to prove i’d swallowed them. It was like being in hospital but in my own home. Once they were satisfied they just left and said see you in the morning. I’m going to try and rush an appointment through to see my psychiatrist as I really don’t want to stay on mirtazapine. Xx

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Dear Kats

Have been thinking of you today. How are you ? . I was under the Crisis Team when I Initially came home, I hope you find them helpful. Take care of yourself, keep up the good work love Theo116 x

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Hi Kats88, good to hear your update. Perhaps you can try and contact your mh nurse again tmrw or mention to the team when they visit again in the morning about your eating issues? I hope you’re able to get an appointment soon to discuss your meds. Keep going with these small steps, we’re all thinking you, xx

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I’m ok thanks Theo. I’m doing ok, coping. I went to the supermarket today and bought a couple of low calorie sandwiches so I can force myself to eat. But otherwise I’ve just been in bed since I got home apart from 10 mins with the crisis team.

I hope I get an appointment soon too, I really don’t want to stay on mirtazapine but right now it’s either take it or stay in hospital, and I desperately didn’t want to stay in hospital.

I think I’m going to have to go to the gp about my eating problems. I have lost a stone in 10 days. But I’ve beaten this before and I’m not going to allow myself to get sucked into an eating disorder again.

And I AM seeing my kids on Friday! 12-2pm, I have to make them lunch and I don’t know what they like anymore as it’s been so long since I saw them. I’m hoping they will eat tuna mayo sandwiches and a tangerine xx

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Hi Kats,

It's great to hear you're seeing your kids on Friday, I hope that goes well. I hope you can get the support you need from the crisis team, or your CPN - do try to open up to them about everything you're struggling with.

Take care, we are thinking of you

Ellie

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I had my police interview today and they’re summoning me to court. I am so worried. My solicitor reassured me that it won’t get to court but I’m still terrified.

I’ve only managed to eat half a sandwich and a ginger biscuit today, I’m feeling so fat I just want to lose weight. I opened up about my eating problems to my mh nurse and she said I should try some Greek yoghurt because it’s fat free. Or a milkshake. I can’t bear to eat either, because they’re full of calories. She’s coming out to see me on Monday to discuss.

The crisis team aren’t interested in talking, they only stay to watch me take my meds then they leave again.

I’m so nervous about seeing my kids again. It’s from 1-3pm and I have to make them lunch. I was planning on making pizzas for them but I’m not sure. Just want it over to be honest. Xx

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Evening Kats

Just wanted to check in and say hi.

Everything will be okay just concentrate on looking after yourself and everything will fall into place. I am a worries too and it does us no good at all.

Please enjoy the time with your children tomorrow, it does not matter what u give them to eat just try and enjoy it and have fun. They love you, you are there mum. Try and get some sleep take care Marie x

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Thank you Marie.

I’ve been up since 2am, can’t stop worrying.

I know my daughter will have forgotten me, and I don’t know how to react around her. Xx

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Hi Kats,

I hope seeing your kids goes well today. Try not to worry, I’m sure even if it’s a little awkward they’ll be so pleased to see you - just try and enjoy the time together and try not to think it has to go a certain way, it’s your love and presence they’ll remember. And pizza always goes down well here!

Good luck x

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Kats,

Just be yourself and enjoy your time together. Children can be funny but they mean no harm I get the silent treatment from our little boy when I get home from work !!! Will be thinking of you maybe try and relax have a bath, a cup of tea and rest a little. X

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Well, I saw them. It was ok for the first hour but then they just kept asking for “daddy” and didn’t want to spend any time with me. It broke my heart.

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Hi Katts88,

I'm sorry it didn't go as you wanted but it must have been so good to see your children again.

It will take time for them to readjust to everything. I bet they loved seeing you again but might have found it difficult to express....

Look after yourself. Xx

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Thanks, but I think I failed the parenting assessment. I was useless, as always. I feel really low now.

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Hi Kats

Sorry you’re feeling low after today, I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think. You’ll always think the worst while feeling low generally but try to give yourself a break - if half of it went well that’s amazing! My kids always want the parent they’re not with, they know how to hurt! I’m sure you did great.

Well done kats, you got through something huge today.

Jenny x

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I feel so useless. I wish I could be a better mum.

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I honestly think we all feel like that a lot of the time... I certainly do x

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Hi Kats

I am so pleased you got to see your children today. I am sorry you feel it did not go well. I think it's part of the job feeling like we could do better. We are all just muddling through trying to do our best. please be kind to yourself x x

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Thanks, I was just under so much pressure today and I didn’t feel like an adequate Mum.

I haven’t slept again, despite taking promethazine. I’m so exhausted from everything over the last couple of days. Xx

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Hi kats

It was a big thing spending time with your children, I hope you’re able to rest today and that you’ll get some more time with them to build up your confidence.

Well done for opening up to your cpn about how you’re doing.

Take care

Ellie

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I’m going out to lunch with my dad today and I’m panicking about it.

Still feeling so crap about yesterday, and today as I was supposed to be seeing my kids today and instead social services are trying to get a court order to stop me seeing them.

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Hi kats

I hope you have had an ok day today and that it was good to see your dad.

I do hope you’re able to see your children again soon.

We are all thinking of you, do take care

Ellie

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I have discharged myself from all mental health services.

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And I failed the parenting assessment. So now I can’t see my kids until they grow up. What’s the point in living.

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Hi kats

I’m so sorry to hear your news. That’s really hard and upsetting.

Please don’t discharge yourself from mental health services, it’s so important you get support so you can recover, and this is when you need them the most, when you are facing such difficult times.

Please stay safe, can you ring your dad or someone else? Remember you can also talk to Samaritans on the sane line.

I know it’s hard to stay hopeful, but by leaning on support and taking small steps you can recover and rebuild your life.

I’m thinking of you a lot,

Ellie

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It’s too late I handed in the letter today requesting my immediate discharge. On my way out my care coordinator was driving in and we had a blazing row in the middle of the street.

I’ve also sacked my solicitor and told the social worker that I won’t be attending court. I don’t need to sit through 4 days of hearing what a shit mum I am.

It’s all over for me. I’ve totally lost my children. I’m dropping off all their toys to my ex tomorrow, and I’m taking my little boys bed and daughters cot to the tip. They’re never going to sleep in them again.

I’ve written them a letter telling them how very sorry I am and explaining how much I love them. I hope one day that brings them comfort.

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Hi kats

It sounds like you’ve had a really awful distressing day.

Do try to ring someone so you aren’t alone. And do remember the numbers to call if you need to talk to someone.

Samaritans 116 123

Sane line 0300 304 7000

I know I’ve said it before but you really can recover always from even the most difficult and darkest places, there are many stories of others who testify to this. I hope you can find the right support. Perhaps you can reach out to mental health peer support groups locally so you don’t feel so alone?

We are thinking of you kats,

Ellie x

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I can’t recover from this. This has been the worst year of my life and this truly feels like the nail in the coffin. 15 pages of a4 explaining that I don’t have the skills to be a mum and that I shouldn’t be looking after my children. I can’t put into words how devastated I am. I’ve cried solidly without stopping for 4 hours. True, loud, genuine sobs.

I’ve cancelled counselling tomorrow, I don’t want to see anyone. I’m genuinely considering whether it is worth sticking around now. I’ve lost the two most precious important things in my life. They are my everything.

I’m so alone. No one cares about me except my dad.

I genuinely don’t know what to do now. My chest physically hurts. I tried my absolute best at that assessment and I just got told I’m a shit mum. I thought it went ok. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I text my cpn asking for her help and she didn’t bother to reply. Which makes me even more sure I want to be discharged. I’m just a nothing, a tiny insignificant loser that no one loves. I’ve been unwanted and unloved since I was 11 years old, I’m now 30. Everything goes wrong for me. Everything. I was so foolish to ever have thought my life would be ok.

I’m hurting so much.

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I’m so very sorry kats, what an awful day you’ve had.

Please do use the numbers Ellie has given if you need to talk to someone tonight, or call your dad.

It clearly all feels very hopeless right now. Please stay safe.

Thinking of you, I hope you can get some rest tonight x

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I’m devastated. I can’t describe the pain I feel. My solicitor has said I have no hope in court. Im not even going to go to court.

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Hi kats

It is devastating what you are going through, we are all thinking of you kats. It’s so important you get support for yourself, try not to push them away : from your dad, your mental health team, your counsellor and perhaps new places where you might meet others who have faced similar struggles too?

Perhaps try to just take each hour, each day at a time and just take those small steps, doing those small things and setting small goals for yourself.

Take care, do try to stay safe, thinking of you kats,

Ellie x

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I’m being sectioned again.

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Hi kats

I imagine you don’t want to be sectioned and in hospital but professional mental health support is what you need right now, and you will be safe in hospital. I hope that you will get the support you need.

Take care, we are thinking of you.

Ellie x

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I’ve run away. I grabbed my car keys and legged it. I haven’t even got shoes on. My care coordinator will want to go home so once I’m sure they’ve left i’ll go back home x

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Hi kats

I know it is hard but It’s really important you get the right professional mental health support, please try to accept their support so you can recover. This is the support you need at the moment.

I hope you are safe. Please do try and call someone to be with you.

Take care, we are thinking of you

Ellie

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They’ve reported me missing. The police are out looking for me.

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Hi kats

Please do ring someone. You need professional mental health support right now, I hope that you can let them help you.

Remember you can also also ring your dad or a friend, or Samaritans and the sane line who offer crisis support.

We are thinking of you

Ellie

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What a horrendous night. And it’s getting worse as my consultant is coming to my house any minute. They said they won’t leave me at home alone any more because I’m too high risk. X

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Dear Kats

Please stay safe and let them help you x

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I’ve got drug induced psychosis. But I can’t go to hospital as they will section me as soon as I arrive, and I’m busy all day Saturday. Their stance is I am high risk and therefore must go to hospital.

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You need a calm time the less said the better about the unfortunate incidences -

you may find you can get your prescriptions delivered to your home. Entrapment

with the wish to interfere with recovery is not illegal. Unfortunately there is only one side of opinion no matter how badly you have been treated. Your GP is your ally as you know him/her and trust them. Sleep can be helped with a milky drink as it contains natural opioids.

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Please contact your mental health team so they can help you, or go to hospital. Or perhaps you can you phone your dad or a friend?

Please stay safe Kats

Ellie

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This is my yesterday-

No sleep all night. Staring to feel a bit off but put it down to not sleeping. At 3pm my mh earning and said straight away that I needed more intensive support so I would be redeeews to the crisis team. I agreed to that

Then the mh seem left, but what I didn’t know is they were hiding down the road. I needed to go out so about 10mins later I left my house. Then suddenly the mh team came running down the road and said “you can’t leave! You need to stay inside so we can do the AMHP accessory”. Then they said i’d Taken an overdose wasn’t fit to be driving. I did not take an overdose yesterday. Praseentha got muddled up.

I left anyway as I needed to pick up some meds, and came back around an hour later and no one was at my door. Then after 15 mins the docked was open and rhey’d Seen with the tablet. Anyway, so the police officer said she was referring mento the street triage team who would want to see me before assessing me.

Then after that things are a blur, and I just have one or two clearly memories. Apparently I was dancing to the music (cringe) and then suddenly I collapsed into my dads arms. I went back downstairs and eventually fell asleep on the wooden flooring. No one thought to put blankets or pillows down for me.

I woke up in agony, I couldn’t even get up. I had heard my ex come in (he shouldn’t do this but he does) so I screamed for him to come and help me. But he didn’t. I rang my dad but no answer.

My food has deteriorate so it is now completely numb from my toes to my knee? And I can’t walk. When I woke up this morning I was totally not with it. I was crying because I thought Dad kept hanging the phone up on me and I really needed someone to talk to. Clearly my injeection has worn off earlier this month.

I don’t know if the AMHP stem turned up, and I don’t kno w when I’m going into hospital.

My consultant did however decide that I am suffering from anorexia again and is referring me to the eating disorder s feak. I feel like a ilifcus showman.

Xx

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Hi kats

It sounds like you’ve had an awful day and are really poorly. What you really need right now is professional mental health support. Is someone with you so you aren’t alone? Please try to accept the support they give you so they can help you and keep you safe.

We are thinking of you.

Ellie

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Wow. Right. Talk about making even worse it.

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We are thinking of you kats, I hope you can get the support you need.

Take care

Ellie x

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Dear Kats - I agree with you in principle that you have not been fairly treated by social services or by care co ordinator. Your needs have not been dealt with properly.

I can see the only way forward you think is to drop all former contacts with your family

your husband, and your children. I also believe you are physically ill as well as going through a mental health crisis. If you look at Rachelle's post on how she got her family back you can see she had to find an independent solicitor to help her, and this was from

the court advisory service list. I know that mental health teams know that it can take over two years to get over this dreadful form of post natal complication but also know social services are not experts in this and will see your behaviour, as unrelated to post partum psychosis. I think your husband and mother in law have acted very badly denying you any

form of access to your children. I think they have decided to shut you out of their lives as they cannot cope with the situation.

You have never been able to bond properly with the children due to gaps in visits

and negativity from your husband.

I also believe you have been abused by your husband when he refused to let you back into the family home. If you go online you might be able to find an advisor from the citizen's advice bureau with a list of solicitors who can help you with mental health needs and your predicament.

Some solicitors give a free session . If you actually go to the CAB you can make an appointment to see a recommended solicitor.

In the meantime I suggest you should contact your nearest drop in health centre at a pharmacy. You can ask them about your diabetes and ask them to do a blood test.

Some will refer you directly to the hospital for assessment. The diet you have been on with laxatives does not sound helpful. You can go to your nearest minor injuries clinic or admit yourself to a and e, with diabetes and toxic confusional state.

LLoyds and many other pharmacists can help you with drop in facilities.

I know this might seem inappropriate as you have so many mental health issues

but you may find another avenue for full and optimal mental and physical health.

Everyone who is listening to you is on your side. Ellie is your long term supporter.

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So I’m not being chucked out? Or am I? I deleted my old account and have only set this one up to read gradgrants reply.

I am much better now. I am no longer manic or psychotic and have a lot of apologising to my neighbours to do.

I’m going back to hospital tomorrow so I can go back on lithium.

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Do you think you should go back to the hospital or the GP. As the GP you saw earlier told you were ok but a bit run down, may be she is the one to go to for a repeat prescription.

Be cautious ! GG

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Hi Kats1988, we will be here for you as you get better but please do let the health professionals help you. Take care, we are thinking of you. Xx

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Hmm I thought you were throwing me out.

I won’t use this forum much now because I feel very awkward about it.

I will try to support others.

By the way, I made it to my interview and despite being unwell and against all the odds, I got offered the job.

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That's great news - you have done so well - you have proved to yourself you have been

able to help yourself and others - Why don't use the private message service to chat to Elle or anyone else. Think you are the most popular member of the post partum psychosis - you can put tow fingers up at those who have tried to pull you down.

Think you were placed under duress by social services and your husband when you were at your lowest ebb. I don't think the letter you wrote could be taken seriously as you seemed to be pressured into relinquishing contact with the kids.

With the right help - think you might get there like Rachelle - it took her years but she was a real fighter like you. Cheers - hope you continue to feel better - GG.

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Hi Kats1988, we are here to offer peer support and everyone here has been affected by this horrible illness. I hope you can get the right support by going back to hospital. As a peer support forum for women and families affected by pp, I hope that the shared experiences are helpful to you and for others too. Take care, xx

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I’m not going back to hospital. And the mha have said they’re not going to section me so I’m free to make that decision. I’ve lost my children for good so I’m going to stop my meds and see how it goes meds free. I have nothing to lose.

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Hi kats1988, I know that meds (including lithium) and treatment in hospital were really vital for me in my illness and many others here too. I know I couldn’t have recovered without it, no matter how much I hated the situation at the time (and I did). Please try and talk to a trusted healthcare professional or your Dad. We are thinking of you. Xx

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I’ve spoken to my mh nurse and agreed not to take an overdose until I’ve spoken to her tomorrow. That’s as good as it gets. I’m definitely not taking my meds, I’ve been off most of them for a week and I’ve not been taking my antipsychotic top ups either. I’m not going for my depot on Thursday, I don’t need it. I’m fine without them.

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Glad you are feeling better - that's good news - expect a late afternoon call will be ok -

it's good you are getting support when needed.

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Hi kats1988, good to hear that you are in touch with your mental health nurse. Please keep talking to them, they are best placed to support you. Please stay safe, we’re thinking of you, xx

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So my care coordinator won’t put me back in hospital. I begged her. She doesn’t want to help me anymore. She said (exact words) “I wasted a whole afternoon on you when I could have been helping many other people on my list”. Then told me to go to a&e if I felt suicidal. I asked her to put me back into hospital because I can’t stay safe but she didn’t care 😢

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Hi kats1988, I'm sorry you're feeling unsupported and that you can't stay safe. Out of Hours, you can go to A&E, or contact your Crisis team on-call number perhaps? You can talk to the Samaritans too on 116 123 and there is the evening phone line, SANEline

, 0300 304 7000 which operates between 4.30pm & 10.30pm. I know you've called them before so perhaps they will be a listening ear too. Take care, xx

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The ambulance is coming out. I don’t want them to but I don’t have a choice 😕 I’ve taken another overdose.

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Sorry you felt so low and desperate again kats. I’m glad an ambulance is on the way, please let them help you x

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I cannot believe a mental health member told you she has wasted her time on you - hope you can get some rest and help. Don't worry about your weight just get your confidence back and your health. - who cares about a few extra pounds?

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Dear kats88

My heart hurts for you you've been through more troubling times than anyone in a life time. You don't deserve this mess. Hoping now that your back in hospital you will get some compassionate care. Please Kats you've got nothing to lose by staying in hospital and accepting medical treatment. Hope to hear from you soon.

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I’ve been in the intensive care unit for 3 days. I can’t wait to leave. X

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Hi Kats1988,

I am sorry everything is so difficult for you at the moment but glad you are being looked after. Please let them take care of you. x

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Please don't leave until your completely healthy again. Kats you are young and need to get well again please let them care for you. We all want to see you get better but it's going to take time. You've been I'll for so long and been through so much we all are rooting for you.

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Hi Kat - please ask about your diabetes as you have had difficulty in controlling it. |When you said your blood was 12. that was far too high Please don't underestimate the effect that diabetes has on your mental health as well as all the sleep deprivation drugs

and the dreadful circumstances you have found yourself in. I expect you are being monitored closely with blood pressure and your blood levels. I know you have probably had B12 tests and folate levels checked but you have an additional health problem.

I know everyone who has seen how brave you have been are hoping your will turn the corner.G.

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Dear Kats, You certainly have had a very traumatic time lately and its clear to see how distressed you feel when you think people are judging you,instead of helping you. It seems you are a very courageous person , and as such, confront those who are showing little sympathy or understanding for the state you get into when you don't have medication or skilled support . Its incredibly hard for anyone in a crisis to think calmly and make plans , and as the fear and panic escalates , actions are carried out that may not be helpful in the long run. I know how destructive criticism is and how hurtful , but as far as your dear children go , I honestly believe you can work towards getting the relationship with them back, in time, if you take care of yourself, along with receiving skilled support in the meantime... Have you thought of (when you are able) writing down a little list of what you think would be helpful for you to get onto a firm path of recovery ? Then ticking things off daily .It might include finding a CPN (there must be one good one ) whom you really can trust. ? Keeping on taking medication even if it does tend to make you put on weight.? Keeping in touch with your Dad ? Daily healthy food/drink and a bit of exercise ? These are simple things of course and might seem a bit obvious,,but from my own experience when in the worst crisis of my life, feeling desperate and on the brink many times, doing minimal "sensible " tasks , ticking them off, and writing a simple plan each day kept me safe.You probably forget how terribly tired you are, with all the mental stress, high emotions and the fight with those who seem to be against you . I think they are showing their own inadequacies... You are talented , highly intelligent, honest and brave... . You will eventually see things improving so use your skills to get the best out of the carers who are there ...

With love Deniz.x

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